Trying to find myself...have you seen me?

[Mellissandria]

During a recent argument with my husband, I realized that thru the years, I've lost who I am and who I was in order to be what everyone else wanted me to be...

That means if I liked something on TV that no one else did, I learned to pretend I hated it, too ( especially something like the Smurfs..I used to collect the figurines).

Ditto music. I really liked the Bay City Rollers later stuff, (after Leslie McKeown left them), but no one else really does. Hubby thinks I love the early stuff only...which can be cringe worthy. I also like Rick Springfield, but hubby gets jealous...and who can blame him. Man is in his fifties and his son refers to him as the chick magnet...!

I used to like soppy romance movies...and in a guy dominated household, there is no room for soppy romance movies...(friend stays with myself and husband...which means at times, it feels like I am living in a frat house) Drama as well. Musicals as well.

I also used to like to sing..I don't sing anymore because no one can stand to hear my voice....so I am told.

I'd like to go back to college, but I have no idea what to study. My knees are such that I don't think I could stand for too long (which leaves library assistant out, and also most jobs). And I think I am a bit old to study for my masters in English Literature....I'd love to go into radio, but stopped listening to it in the nineties when they all went talk shock.....

Help?  

[Mellissandria]

Podcasting? Hmm, what sort of software?

And giving up the comfort of the known is part of my problem. That and the hubby wants to move from Boston closer to his sister and her daughters in Mn. I am not so sure....seems like we pick up and move every few years and we've only been in Boston for four....

Ironically, the other day, after being told I need to get out more by hubby, I appoached him about going to a con together...his response...We might be moving by then...btw aforementioned con is in March next year...and we are on a fixed income, so gonna take a while to save up to move anywhere....

Much as I hate to say it...should I consider letting him go to MN by himself if he keeps sending mixed messages?

Edit: Going to get back on my seizure meds first (had been taken off them a few years ago, then started having them again recently) before I make any decisions on the marrage. In the meantime, about the podcasting...(wonders where in Boston she can study for the GRE at this late date..)  

[g0dless420]

www.podomatic.com

www.idiotvox.com

Podcasting is 'streaming' internet music...basically *mp3's that people host on a site (such as the 2 i listed) that you can play back whenever you want (i use my Psp for that alot...love it).

Anyway to comment, You dont know me so I'll try to have some tact. Do what you want to do...I know its not as simple as it sounds...but until you take that first step you wont be doing it.  

[Hanamura-sensei]

Arguments with husbands can do that to you.
I used to argue with mine all the time and me made me feel really crappy about myself...that's why I ended up divorcing him.
I was fed up with feeling low and useless and hating things I used to love because of him.
Been without him now for 3 years, got a new partner and a baby on the way.
I've only been with my partner for around 1 year and we decided pretty fast that we wanted a baby together, originally did I want to wait for at least a year before I even wanted to think about babies, but I also had to think of my age...being 37 and having my body clock ticking, I couldn't really wait for a few years first...so far everything is fine, 1 year and not a single argument....very refreshing when I think back and remember those countless arguments I had with my ex...glad he's gone....oh damn...I turned this about a rant about myself...sorry about that.
When I get started there is no stopping me...lol

Anywhoooo...don't be put of the things you really like, those are the things which keep us sane at the end of the day.
If you can't bare watching your once favorite movie anymore, try to find something fresh you like.

I know all about the struggle when it comes to decide on a collage course, I've been trying to work one out for myself for several years now.
First I was thinking about one to become an accountant..but then I decided against it, because I really can't see myself sitting and juggeling numbers all day, even though I'm pretty good at it.
Then I was thinking about photography, something I wanted to do since high school. but since everything has gone digital it has somehow lost the ...whatshamacallit......excitement about the whole thing to me.

I really envy my 14 year old son...he already decided what he want's to become later on in life, he want's to become a chef and he's got his mind set on that..wish I would have been able at that age to decide what I wanted.
Now I'm 37 and I still don't know what I want to do...lol  

[Lil Brat]

Reminder: You can't take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself ~ meaning sometimes you have to do stuff just for you. No one else will do it for you. Agree to disagree ~ like what you want and tell the others to go piss up a rope if they don't like it. If you're not taking care of you, everything else will start to fall apart, too.

Check up on courses available online at your nearest community college, there may be something there that catches your interest. It might be a new career, or even a hobby ~ but something for you. That's not selfish ~ what's selfish is everyone else expecting so much and not supporting you, and worse, belittling you for your opinion. You are entitled to have one ~ your own. 3nodding

Hugs and hang in there ~ little bit by little bit heart  

[Nodijo]

Ditto what everyone else said, and to address the 'too old/late to start college" thing. I'm 49 and started college in 2005, and won't graduate until Spring term 09. Reason is I was diagnosed with cancer in November 2006. That threw my plans out of whack. I had to put school on hold for almost a year before I could go back, and I almost gave it up...EXCEPT my desire was to graduate with my degree and my closest friends and family knew it and supported and encouraged me to keep on pursuing it however long it takes. So, here I am today still going just finished Summer term and Fall term starts next week. I begin my second year of my program (Graphic Design) officially. I said all of that to encourage you to pursue your dreams and we support you...*Gives you hugs* Don't give up your dream, you are worth it!  

[Eirwyn]

I'm nobody to give advice--I've never had so much as a boyfriend & can't say as I'm looking for one. I know a friend of mine has a very controlling husband though, & it's always about doing HIS thing and going where HE wants for her. I'd hit a guy like that upside the head if he tried making me do crap I don't like all the time without ever doing MY "crap" that HE doesn't like in return.
And I've been forced back into school with the loss of my job, trying to get new job skills. I let them shove me into going for Biotechnology ("There's plenty of great paying jobs in Biotech! Biotech is what's taking the place of textiles and furniture in NC! You have to go for Biotech!!"), but within a week of starting the Intro to Lab class I knew it was plain stupid. I always HATED science and math, I was lousy at them both. What am I DOING?? gonk
But I won't give up--I'll struggle through this semester & figure out what to change my studies to next semester. Luckily, most of my classes were prerequisites this 1st semester anyway.
So c'mon in & flail around with the rest of us, Mel'! At least you won't be restricted by a govt. funding program that demands you pick a field of study, take full loads every semester, & take all your classes in your field of study! See if somewhere around you there is a Career Transitions type class to take; despite shoving me towards Biotech I still don't regret taking that 5-week course one bit. Most folks in the course came out the other end no longer scared, a lot more focused and knowing where they wanted to go.  

[Nodijo]

Good for you Eirwyn! I didn't mean Melissandria to sound unsympathetic to the problem of your husband. Lil Brat can vouch for this, mine is extremely controlling as well and we've been through the gamut of 'stuff'...to put it mildly. I to have 'mourned' the loss of who I was once, my mother has commented I'm not the same and my friends noticed a change to and those who are closest to me and know my husband and how he is know why. After my bout with cancer though I'm no longer afraid of him or to stand up for myself...not in a confrontational way mind you, but I have now begun to set my boundaries, I'm still in practice though and every once in awhile Lil Brat will help me out moral support wise and give me a listening ear when I need to vent. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.  

[September Wolf]

Sorry, a little late responding here...

Can I just say that your original post made me laugh due to the collecting of Smurfs - I did that too!! My favourite was always smurfette, simple, but there where not many pretty girly smurfs!

On a more serious note, never be afraid to be who you are and do something different - if you want to study for your masters in Eng Lit - just do it. If the people around you love you, they will support you in your choices!

Good luck!  

[Lil Brat]

Speaking of the controlling one ~ how're things going Ms Nodi? Twas up to me, I'd thwack him upside the back of the head a time or two, but tisn't my marriage. But you keep working at it, good and bad, so I'ma support you whatever happens. ~ Hugs heart

Even if nobody else does, Nodi knows I'm always gonna ask her what she wants, and respect her opinion, even if I don't agree.

Mel ~ same goes for you ~ Making a marriage work is hard work, but don't lose yourself in the process. And again, if no else listens, we will here. heart  

[MQubed]

Hugs to you Mellissandria!!

I believe that just by stating how you're feeling to others (even us here on Gaia) you've begun that change.

I have a dear friend who puts it this way: "you need to fill your creative well." We so often give to others (I too live in a male-dominated house and when the action videos come on, I find a book to read ... or come visit someone here) that it drains all our energy. What is one little thing you can do that will refill that well?

Sing?! (I too used to sing all the time until I was told that I don't sing well, but it makes me feel good to sing ...) Is there a time you can sing without the other folks? Join a group? Put on your favorite music and sing along while you ! This could also help by letting the family know what you do like...

Have a girls night out (find someone else and go watch a movie, then stop for a cup of tea/coffee or sweet, etc.)

Do you have a community college nearby? Most of them offer free or nearly free fun classes to the local community ...

Know that you are NOT alone, and there are many people who are pulling for you!

3nodding  

[Harbone]

I should have looked at this one earlier!

As a husband myself, all I can say is: I don't really WANT to control my wife, but if she does as I say, then I'm NOT going to go out of my way to MAKE her choose something I don't want to do.

It's hard to compromise and marriage seems to be made up of compromises. I know that if I don't manage to compromise enough, my own marriage goes fuzzy around the edges.

When money's tight, it becomes even harder to compromise, because you're always worried about being able to afford the things YOU want to do (as a husband) the things that keep YOU going. You get caught up in the loss of your own dreams and you forget that your partners' are slipping away, too.

All I can say, then, is, if Umberella, my wife, were feeling I couldn't give her what she needed any more, I'd want her to find a new direction. I don't want to be a drag on anyone. I'd miss her, of course, but we KNOW we can live without eachother. We'd just rather live with eachother, for now...

...er, I think. Let me check.
(*Hollers into the other room.*)
HEY! HONEY!
AM I TOO CONTROLLING?
...SOMETIMES!!! WHAT THE F- *sputter!*
...HOW AM I CONTROLLING?!?
...FASHION MAGAZINES! WELL OF COURSE I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN YOU PICK THOSE DAMN... WELL, YEAH, YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING WHEN I...
... SINCE WHEN DON'T YOU LIKE...
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY SOMETHING, THAT'S ALL...

...WELL OF COURSE I FREAKIN' SULK! THAT'S WHAT...
NO! WHY ACT HAPPY WHEN YOU'RE MISERABLE? OH COME ON!
I JUST DON'T AGREE WITH IT...
WELL, I THNK THEY SUCK MONEY OUT OF PEOPLE LIKE US!
...WHAT ABOUT MY DR. WHO OBSESSION? I THOUGHT YOU LIKE DR. WHO!
YOU SHOULD'VE SAID! I CAN WATCH IT WHEN YOU AREN'T AROUND!
OH THAT IS SO NOT...
COUCH?!? WE DON'T HAVE A COUCH!
NOT THE BATHTUB! PLEASE! I HAVE A COLD, PLEASE, NOT THE BATHTUB...
FLOOR? WITH THREE CUSIONS? COMFORTER. I DEMAND...
OK, I REQUEST A COMFORTER.
FINE. NO. FINE!
...FLOOR IS GOOD.

See, I can compromise.  

[Mellissandria]

Thanks.

Update-of sorts.

Medication therapy going ok, but had to give up SWG for at least six months due to their particle effects. My seizures have come back, so on the games that remain at the moment (LOTRO and WoW), my husband has had to 'dumb' down the special effects so they don't get triggered.

My mood has improved a bit. Actually feeling not so lethargic and wanting to get out a little more....Errands to run and all that. Haven't picked up a college catalog yet, but gotten some ideas for stories, I just need to put down the outline for this one...and do research. So the depression is lifting just a little bit.

Tom turned out to be more understanding than I thought. Tom being my husband. He's actually started to hug me more, and he doesn't come from a demonstrative family....and in turn, I've started to talk to him more about my side of things....

There is a community center for seniors near where I live. I may be checking out their bingo games...once I hit fifty in less than a month.

It's baby steps...but better than nothing.