Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

[nytshad]

Fair warning: This is more of a vent than an advice-quest.

A little background on me: I'm a late-20-something, 10 years married, reasonably successful college grad. My life is pretty much tied up in one happy, kitten-filled package. I've got an incrediblly loving and supportive husband, my sisters and I get along great, they've got fabulous kids who love me, and all but 1/3 of us live within spitting distance of each other. Life's pretty shiny.

Until my mother gets involved.

My mom tries to be a good person, but over the last decade or so her grip on reality has diminised greatly. It's not that she sees pink elephants and rainbow frogs in her bathroom, it's that everything that happens in the world revolves around her. After my dad died in '02 and she remarried in '03, we figured she'd be so wrapped up in her new life that she'd leave us to ours.

Notsomuch.

Her husband, a man we've known for 20+ years, has a violent temper that usually involves scream-cussing and hurling about of things. To keep him happy, mom allowed his two adult sons to live in their house. One is a registered sex offender, the other a convicted drug-dealer/attemped murderer. She did this while two of my teenage sisters were still living there. Our objection to this situation landed us on the recieving end of the cuss-throwing-adult-hissyfits. So we began distancing ourselves from them as smoothly as possible (one of my sisters moved as far as australia).

Then they adopted. The sex-offender son had three kids (the ones he and his ex abused), my mom thought it'd be a good idea to adopt 2 of them. Despite the therapists and social workers saying the kids were dangerous preditors with sociopathic tendancies who needed the constant care and supervision only found in a mental institution, mom and her husband were allowed to have custody of those two kids (and the monthly government stipend that comes with damaged kids, because neither adult will get a job).

This is where things get really bad.

These two kids, age 8 and 9, have molested 3 of my neices and nephews, 2 neighbor kids, tortured 5 cats and rabbits (killing an undetermined amount of them), and my mom doesn't care. The cops and social workers won't get involved because of the kids' age. Mom seems to think my sisters' demand to keep the dangerous kids away from their kids is us trying to punish her for something. My youngest sister has gone so far as to cut everyone from that house out of her family, including mom. She's justified in that, since mom has treated her like crap since she was 12. My eldest sister allows mom around her kids, but not the husband and definately not the dangerous kids.

My mom has gotten professional help, she's been seeing various therapists and been on antidepressants for 15 years. No matter how I talked to her or what I say, she still says sick things like "childhood molestation doesn't matter" or she'll adamantly claim that my youngest sister's eldest is HER baby even though she left her alone in the bathtub with one of the dangerous kids, facilitating the attack.

So the reason for this rant: my wonderful and supportive hubby and I are going to be starting our family soon and I will NOT allow this drama to effect my kids. I'm considering taking my youngest sister's lead and cutting mom out entirely, since she is a constant source of discomfort and derision in my house. She has never agreed with my choice of husband and went so far as to sabotage my wedding to show her distain (of course, it was all an "accident" according to her). Her reasoning for not liking my husband is that he doesn't kiss up to her and he went to pharmacy school instead of medical school. There's also the religion angle. She's catholic, we are not. She has tried to spirit my unbaptised neices and nephews away from their mothers to have them batised in secret, and I refuse to give her even the opportunity to do it to my kids.

So here's what it comes down to: I owe my mother nothing. I was a model child, a model teenager, I even went to the college she wanted. I gave up every weekend for 10 years helping her run her business that hemoraged money because of her inadaquacies. I've counciled her through my father's death, her rejoining the workforce, raising my sisters, and eveything that has happened up until her third marriage.

I'm done.

So, my plan is to cut her out; only talk to her on the phone or visit with her (and not her new family) in public places with my hubby there as back up. Am I over-reacting? Should I give her a chance to screw up and risk my kids?
 

[yarg_ninja]

I'm only 13 so i can't say much but I have an abusive step brother i know how those kids must feel so honestly i would move away don't let them know cause they will try to find you if you tell them where you're going and try to move into another state just to be safe for you're sister and kids.... ninja pirate ninja pirate  

[nytshad]

We've considered it, but my job is not one I can move out of the area and I don't want to move away from my husband's family. They're good people.

Mom and her brood live 65-70 miles away and, given the ridiculous price of gas, she's only on this side of town once a week most weeks. I've made it clear to her that she must call before stopping by, and my husband is all eager about enforcing that rule.
 

[yarg_ninja]

nytshad

We've considered it, but my job is not one I can move out of the area and I don't want to move away from my husband's family. They're good people.

Mom and her brood live 65-70 miles away and, given the ridiculous price of gas, she's only on this side of town once a week most weeks. I've made it clear to her that she must call before stopping by, and my husband is all eager about enforcing that rule.

o.k well then i really can't say much but do your best to help you sister like keep her in your house or something cause she's probably think about killing them or herself you never know... sweatdrop  

[nytshad]

I probably should have clarified. All of my sisters currently are married and live in their own houses.  

[btrfly7]

No, you are not overreacting. I would do the same thing as you. You can not just let your kids have exposure to that kind of stuff. It will be bad for them physically and mentally. You are making the right decision. Your mom should have better morals about what is going on, but it seems that she loves this man so much that she'll put up with anything, either that or he's got her brainwashed to thinking that those horrible things don't matter. Also maybe if the police did get involved and punish both of them for what they are allowing the children to do, then it would matter more. I don't know about there but here where I live, those children would have been taken and placed in foster care or a mental place and those parents would be either in jail or a mental place themselves. I am not trying to be harsh and sorry if it sounds that way but that's just not right, all of them need help bad.
As for you, take your stand and don't let them near to mess up what you have because it seems like they would do it in a heartbeat.. Good luck with your family.  

[nytshad]

Thanks, btrfly. I agree with your assessment of the situation. If it wasn't for the fact that they live in a tiny little whitetrash town, the cops would have done something. But such is small town life.

It's not so much that he has my mom brainwashed or that she is hopelessly, blindly in love , but that she is terrified of being alone and she was raised with the concept of The Husband Is The Head Of The Household and his rule should never be questioned. She's compliant in his behavior and happy that way.  

[btrfly7]

nytshad

Thanks, btrfly. I agree with your assessment of the situation. If it wasn't for the fact that they live in a tiny little whitetrash town, the cops would have done something. But such is small town life.

It's not so much that he has my mom brainwashed or that she is hopelessly, blindly in love , but that she is terrified of being alone and she was raised with the concept of The Husband Is The Head Of The Household and his rule should never be questioned. She's compliant in his behavior and happy that way.

Being raised in a "Church of Christ" Christian atmosphere I also believe that the man is head of the household, BUT that kind of situation is just horrible. I don't believe that God wanted anyone to be punished like that, but there could be a few more reasons that I can think of why she puts up with it. As for being alone, that's my biggest fear in life, but I have been for three years since my divorce and I refuse to be with someone "just because". I want a relationship that I want, and won't settle for anything less. Anyway, I'm glad that you chose to take a stand and separate your family from that one, it's the best thing to do.  

[Captain- Ecnelis Daed]

nytshad

Fair warning: This is more of a vent than an advice-quest.

A little background on me: I'm a late-20-something, 10 years married, reasonably successful college grad. My life is pretty much tied up in one happy, kitten-filled package. I've got an incrediblly loving and supportive husband, my sisters and I get along great, they've got fabulous kids who love me, and all but 1/3 of us live within spitting distance of each other. Life's pretty shiny.

Until my mother gets involved.

My mom tries to be a good person, but over the last decade or so her grip on reality has diminised greatly. It's not that she sees pink elephants and rainbow frogs in her bathroom, it's that everything that happens in the world revolves around her. After my dad died in '02 and she remarried in '03, we figured she'd be so wrapped up in her new life that she'd leave us to ours.

Notsomuch.

Her husband, a man we've known for 20+ years, has a violent temper that usually involves scream-cussing and hurling about of things. To keep him happy, mom allowed his two adult sons to live in their house. One is a registered sex offender, the other a convicted drug-dealer/attemped murderer. She did this while two of my teenage sisters were still living there. Our objection to this situation landed us on the recieving end of the cuss-throwing-adult-hissyfits. So we began distancing ourselves from them as smoothly as possible (one of my sisters moved as far as australia).

Then they adopted. The sex-offender son had three kids (the ones he and his ex abused), my mom thought it'd be a good idea to adopt 2 of them. Despite the therapists and social workers saying the kids were dangerous preditors with sociopathic tendancies who needed the constant care and supervision only found in a mental institution, mom and her husband were allowed to have custody of those two kids (and the monthly government stipend that comes with damaged kids, because neither adult will get a job).

This is where things get really bad.

These two kids, age 8 and 9, have molested 3 of my neices and nephews, 2 neighbor kids, tortured 5 cats and rabbits (killing an undetermined amount of them), and my mom doesn't care. The cops and social workers won't get involved because of the kids' age. Mom seems to think my sisters' demand to keep the dangerous kids away from their kids is us trying to punish her for something. My youngest sister has gone so far as to cut everyone from that house out of her family, including mom. She's justified in that, since mom has treated her like crap since she was 12. My eldest sister allows mom around her kids, but not the husband and definately not the dangerous kids.

My mom has gotten professional help, she's been seeing various therapists and been on antidepressants for 15 years. No matter how I talked to her or what I say, she still says sick things like "childhood molestation doesn't matter" or she'll adamantly claim that my youngest sister's eldest is HER baby even though she left her alone in the bathtub with one of the dangerous kids, facilitating the attack.

So the reason for this rant: my wonderful and supportive hubby and I are going to be starting our family soon and I will NOT allow this drama to effect my kids. I'm considering taking my youngest sister's lead and cutting mom out entirely, since she is a constant source of discomfort and derision in my house. She has never agreed with my choice of husband and went so far as to sabotage my wedding to show her distain (of course, it was all an "accident" according to her). Her reasoning for not liking my husband is that he doesn't kiss up to her and he went to pharmacy school instead of medical school. There's also the religion angle. She's catholic, we are not. She has tried to spirit my unbaptised neices and nephews away from their mothers to have them batised in secret, and I refuse to give her even the opportunity to do it to my kids.

So here's what it comes down to: I owe my mother nothing. I was a model child, a model teenager, I even went to the college she wanted. I gave up every weekend for 10 years helping her run her business that hemoraged money because of her inadaquacies. I've counciled her through my father's death, her rejoining the workforce, raising my sisters, and eveything that has happened up until her third marriage.

I'm done.

So, my plan is to cut her out; only talk to her on the phone or visit with her (and not her new family) in public places with my hubby there as back up. Am I over-reacting? Should I give her a chance to screw up and risk my kids?

Do you want someone to kill off the problems?  

[nytshad]

HaHayourefunny.

Dumbass  

[heishi_rozu-chan]

Well, the first thing I would have done was to have reported your mother's new husband to the police, along with his two sons. I would've also mentioned the two sex-offender's offsprings to the cops, & let them deal with the mess.
I'm guessing you've already tried this.
The other option I could offer to you is to just leave them alone, as btrfly suggested. if this were a situation of my own, I would attempt to speak to my mother about all this, & then, if she doesn't agree, I would tell her not to contact me anymore, & to just leave my whole family alone. I would say that if she doesn't see the...immorality of her choices & her family's choices, then she cannot plague her family's disgusting misconduct on mine.
I would tell her that I love her very much, but that my family is much more of a priority than fixing her home life. I would say that that was her job, not mine.

Basically, I'm completely agreeing with btrfly.
Wish I could be of more assistance.  

[nytshad]

I don't entirely disagree with you, Heishi, as that is what my sister has done and what my husband hopes I will do. But, the problems arise from my inability to do so without valid justification. I've always been "the good child" and she would not take it well. At all. There would be lots of crying and suicide threats not matter how calmly and maturely I approached it, and I'm not so keen on being on the recieving end of blame if she does hurt herself.

Once I have kids though, I don't give a flying monkey's tail what she does or what happens to her. The safety and health of my children will become my valid justification and, when it comes to them, my word is law.

As to your other point, the cops won't get involved because the majority of the adults' crimes took place in another jurisdiction.  

[Zat In The Hat]

WOW......Just wow.....Man seriously i would cut off from the family.

I can't help you cut off and tell your kids your mom wasn't a good person to be around or lie i would recommend telling them the truth. Your family is a total mess and i wouldn't want to be part of it.  

[dontnowat2donow]

i a 13 and i have an abusive step dad and u need to get out of there with the kids  

[nytshad]

CHAPTER 2

Last Friday my mom sent out an email to my siblings and me offering up a number of family heirlooms, as they have recently remodeled parts of the house. The final offer on this email was for her husband to go digging through my father's ashes to make us necklaces. Apart from being illegal, this is an entirely nausiating and reprehensible concept to us and I have told her so in the past (when he did it once before last summer).

So I called her and very calmly (without crying or yelling since I was at work) told her exactly what I think of the way she treats my sisters, the way she treats my father's memory, and the direction her new family is going. Of course, she claims not to remember me expressing my disgust at her husband's idea of a kind favor last year, and she claims no responsibility for the way she treats my sister, blaming the 6 of us for "leaving her" after Daddy died. I told her that it wasn't Daddy's death that made us leave but her behavior since then. She then launched into a tirade about how my father suffered from depression and how he had been dying for a long time but none of us knew (both true statements, though didn't need to be rehashed). It ended with me saying I would stop by for a few things while I was in town that afternoon.

I stopped by and hung around for an hour and let her talk about "safe" topics and ramble on because it made her happy. Meanwhile the demon children are torturing kittens in front of her and she's not saying anything, they're trying to get into my car even though I told them repeatedly ot to, and basically just running around unfettered and mom doesn't seem to mind. But I let it go because I didn't want her blaming me for whatever bad thing happened next in her life.

After I left her house, I got a call from my eldest sister. Apparently my mom's husband had dropped by her house unannounced and talked her ear off for 2 hours about how Mom is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it's all our fault and it's our responsibilty as her children to save her from herself and stop making her life difficult. He said her grasp on reality is slipping and she mentally ill and he can't help her if we're all making her cry herself to sleep at night.

I've known my mom was losing her grip for years and I adjust my personality when talking to her accordingly, but he can't expect us to put the little ones at risk. But he does. And of course, if anything happens to my mom it'll be all our fault. Narcism, much?