my kid brother is in danger...

[Tirsden]

I could say my kid sister is too, but she's also made some odd choices on her own that have made me lose a lot of respect for her. Either way, my very religious and controlling parents have shown all the major signs of abusing the kidlings since... I was a kid, nevermind now. (There are 18.5 years between me and my kid brother.) But now is important, because I don't live there any more (thankfully) but my brother and sister do. My sister is showing true sociopathic tendencies while my brother is showing very physical signs of depression.

I feel like I'm writing this weirdly, and I know I am, the real issue is that I think I know what needs to be done but I lack the courage. I could air the family laundry out for all to see... but it's best easily summed up as: mental, emotional, and physical abuse. My brother, let's call him "Jack" for ease and privacy, has been having migraines and more often stomach pains and digestive troubles due to this. My parents have government health insurance so they have a lot of doctors to go to. The doctors are stumped; they are now saying it might be abdominal migraines. The last thing the doctor told them to try was Prilosec OTC. It is not supposed to be used on people under the age of 18! He's 12. And Jack has also had other questionable medications tested on him, including another one not approved for children (I forget the name). He's had to deal with side-effects from all the experimentation, and often had to take further medication for those side-effects.

He turned up negative for allergies of any sort except some mild grass/pollen stuff maybe. He's gone through all kinds of tests with little or no results. He is on a laxative that mother unit makes him take almost every day as I understand it. He's going in for an upper and lower GI (or just did, I don't know when it's scheduled). I know I've already said it, but he is 12 years old. He is, in fact, horribly depressed and under way too much stress at home, and also being forced to go to an overbearing religious school he only likes because of the friends he's made there. He has been to a psychiatrist and mother unit actually went in with him, why on earth they let her do this is beyond me. He was too scared to tell the truth in that situation, and when he dared bring up "well, my sister moved out recently and that makes me kinda sad," mother unit immediately butted in and said, "no, that's not it."

I want to point out that I find religion to be in general a very dangerous thing, especially in the hands of people like my parents. They forced all their kids to go to church, and the one time I really said I didn't want to go (I was probably 16) I got a huge lecture about how I was a bad, stupid Christian and then we went to church. (Father unit denies remembering this now, but it was he who gave the lecture). You have no doubt noted by now how I refer to my parents... this is because of how badly they have treated me, and continue to. I've had a very strange life, and am still dealing with so many things... I would cut them off completely but I can't because of my little brother. He would be better off with me, a bipolar Asperger's unsocial freak than where he is... unfortunately, I can't have him where I am living right now. Nevermind the nuclear explosion such a thing would cause in the family unit. By the way, "family" is unfortunately for me, a very bad word.

But eh, this isn't about me. This is about Jack. Maybe both kids, but I know my sister can survive this. Jack... he's not really surviving it at all. He's told me things that end up in the suicidal category at times. I have told all this to my therapist and she has asked me if I think it's child abuse. I say yes, duh, and so technically she is supposed to report it... but hasn't, in part because I'm afraid Jack will end up in foster care, which would be worse than where he is (if not by much). My parents have more or less isolated themselves here, extended family being elsewhere in the country... and sending Jack to someone else within the family wouldn't be much better. I would take him in, in a heartbeat, if I had a situation where I could (I'm living in residential care for people with severe mental issues). And that's even with knowing I would have to figure out how to continue his education and everything.

Meanwhile, I do what I can for him, but his complaining attitude at home is starting to get on my nerves, plus I have to be at their house to spend time with him. In that same situation that hurt me for so many years. I know his complaining is at least in part his attempt to tell the parents "help me, I am floundering under heavy thumbs" but it doesn't help me want to hang out with him. There are so many other things I could list as far as what he's going through (nevermind my own personal history)... but the list is too long. I'll sum up some of the mental/emotional abuse with one heartbreakingly familiar thing: how my parents discourage him from being interested in the things he's truly interested in, and try to force their own interests on him. This merely translates the same way it did for me when they did the very same thing to me: "You're stupid, unimportant, and useless unless you think like us, and you're really stupid for thinking anything that contradicts what we think."

So I guess in the end I'm asking... what should I do? Does anyone have any ideas I haven't presented here? I'm very worried for my brother's mental and physical state. Yes, I know the whole family could probably use ten tons of counseling, but I have written my parents off long ago, and almost everything they do just adds to that conviction. Father unit is a ticking time-bomb of anger, mother unit is a hypocritical backup to his nonsense, and... I'm still stuck in their crap, without being under their roof. Jack isn't as lucky... he's still there.

Edit: I should note that I tried writing my parents a letter while I was living with them, early last year or so. It was very well thought out, and only vaguely referenced Jack as I was currently trying to impress my own concerns on them... but mother unit treated it with indifference bordering on hostility. They know what they are doing... and it disgusts me... and saddens me.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Having been in both your brother's shoes, and yours, oddly enough, I can offer little more than the following.

My brother took off from the house at age 17. He left me alone with an abusive stepmother, an uncaring father, and a brat half sister, until after the age of 21, I left. I felt and hated him for leaving. He had ran away without taking me with him, and he never defended me. This might be how your brother felt about you leaving, but from what I read, this seems to not be the case, as he seems more depressed.

I now sense my half sister, brat as she may be, is going to have the same problems when stepmom realizes she has no more robots to do her work. Now I am in your shoes, pondering my future actions.

In your case, I strongly suggest you get him out, and your sister too. No one should have to endure abuse. Maybe the foster parents won't be so bad, but it sounds like they seriously need to leave. If all else fails, they can go with you, if you're able to have them with you. But the point is they need to leave before it gets worse, and yes, yes it can get very much worse. Let us know how things turn out.  

[charamath]

I have to agree with trying a foster family. Not all of them are horrible and he needs to get away from the oppression. Ask your doctor for help with it. I'm sure he/she knows social workers that can work with you for his best needs, or at least get him into a psychiatrist that he can see without the parents there. However, young as he is, I think the parents may be able to force themselves in on the sessions. But it sounds like the law (social worker) does need to get involved.  

[lenoree]

I strongly agree with the foster family situation. He is at an age where he would be alright in a foster home. It sounds to me like your parents have some issues they have to work out themselves and they definitely shouldnt have the children around while they do so. They might not ever.
My mother is severe bi polar. And has always been that way, but she refuses that she has it, and refuses to get help for it, so she only keeps getting worse as she ages. 2 of my poor children are stuck there in her care, fortunately my father is a great man and they have him to defend them at times. Though most of the time he just keeps his mouth shut because he dosnt want to fight with my mom. Im trying to get them back with out having to go through the court system, because my mother is the type to make up aweful lies just to keep them because she wants the death benefits she gets each month from their fathers death. So Pitiful it is.  

[Tirsden]

Yeah. At this point it's hard to even think about going back there again for another random weekend. I want to be away from my parents... forever... and as I said before, I can't have anyone live with me because I myself am in residential care, and that was where I moved to from my parents (after living with them for a couple years... my story before that is even freakier and I won't get into it here). I did recently (finally) land permanent disability, so I could look into section 8 housing and try to get my siblings emancipated... but I am working on limited mental and emotional resources myself, and my lawyer wants me to stay in this place until my older social security disability case goes through (it's a huge backpayment, but the case that did go through was filed earlier this year and doesn't effect the older case... or I'd have more resources to use to help out my brother... don't think my sister is interested in my help, but I haven't actually asked her). Regardless, my doing anything on this level will shock the hell out of my parents... they'll probably figure out who did it even if it can be an anonymous report. I really, really hate drama of the personal/family variety. But I know if I sit on this longer, it'll just get worse. If the kids get removed and the parentals come after me for it... well, I guess I can happily sever all contact with them finally. I'm not afraid to call the cops in that sort of situation.

I see my therapist on Friday. I'll tell her I want to move forward on this. I know my parents should never have had kids... they only got married because mother unit got pregnant with me (oops). Four kids total later... they are a bigger mess than ever. The one sibling I haven't mentioned is a brother roughly 3 years younger than me (the other two were adopted) and I have literally severed all contact with him because he took what my parents taught us and took it to an extreme. He's in another country now which makes him easier to ignore, though it doesn't help to hear him referenced at my parents. Their clueless church thinks they look like shining examples of wonderfulness. The plaques on the walls only hide the rot within. -.-

Thank you for your encouragements and opinions and I'll keep you posted. I am seriously afraid of what this might do... but I'm more afraid of allowing the situation to remain as it stands.  

[Chimaria]

question is your therapist licensed? What you have been able to tell us, I am sure is the short short version. The many details were given during your sessions; if you were able to get into residential care, i am sure your therapist is mandated by law to at least have an investigation into your siblings plight.

it would not be up to you to tell the therapist to go ahead and sic the authorities on your parental units, the therapist has to make the call for the sake of the child(ren) under the age 18.

to comment on the religion: being Catholic I would freak out on any "Catholic" who treated their children to the point of what you have described. As i have always stated "...any extreme is BAD!" remember that when you make your decisions.

Good Luck! I'm glad you are trying to help your siblings...  

[Tirsden]

Yeah, she's licenced. I'm not all that impressed with her on certain levels, but I've learned from being dependent on the government that it's hard to find good help. (I could complain about the bizarre office politics that rule this housing system and the clinic I get therapy at as well, but I guess it just goes to show that there can be problems on every level of a system.) I'm not sure if she hasn't taken matters into her own hands because she is getting all of this information second-hand or what... but if for some reason she won't follow the directives she's supposed to (heck, they have the same rules in art therapy)... I'll make the call myself.

It's a lot to deal with. -.- It's not like I'm in residential care for no reason at all... but eh, this isn't about me... and even if it is somewhat, it's only partly about me. It's about the kids. My parents are grown adults and will have to figure themselves out because they've proven they can't be responsible enough to take care of children without driving them into despair or potentially criminal activities.  

[charamath]

i just have to say - Bravo for being strong enough to do this for your siblings. It's an immense showing of character.  

[Tirsden]

Thankye. I have seen so many circumstances I can't help with... this is one where I can make a difference for the good, and for someone close to my heart (and even if I don't trust my sister, she needs out of there too). Ironically, I find it easier to stand up for others than to do so on my own behalf. I feel bad I haven't done anything sooner, but I know that is in part because whether I like it or not, my parents still have some sort of hold on me. That's gotta go... and so does their ability to abuse the children still under their thumbs.  

[Wendy Belle]

You mentioned physical abuse as well as emotional abuse. Although we know emotional abuse can leave the worst scars, Child Protective Services (CPS) tend to pay more attention when there is physical abuse. If you call CPS, be sure to describe any incidents of physical abuse that you have witnessed, especially when there have been bruises or other marks. If you don't want to make the call yourself, (although it certainly sounds as if you are committed to doing whatever it takes) you could tell any mandated reporter, such as a teacher or counselor, and they will be required to report it. Stay strong! I wish the best for you and your brother and sister!  

[Tirsden]

Thanks again heart and yes, there was some stuff on the physical abuse end I hadn't even told my therapist (but thought I had... or she's forgotten... on a sidenote, I'm seriously unimpressed with a system that overworks therapists because they just plain can't remember very much at all it seems to me... messed up situation, I tell ya, but that's a rant for another time). So the specifics on the physical abuse have been reported, along with "verbal and emotional" abuse as my therapist so aptly put it, for both my kid siblings in the present as well as myself (mostly from the more distant past, though if I end up being interviewed during any investigation in this, it'll prove quite obvious the emotional abuse continues to this day pretty much any time I'm in contact with my parents). So yes, the report is in, and I'll keep you guys posted as I know more.  

[pretty hate machine]

I think you got it all right, as far as the illness and depression go. I had a similar situation, myself, when I was a teen. I was in a severe depression and had even gone to my parents for help before (I was self-abusing at that point), and they just told me "it's just a phase." To have something so serious brushed off like that hurts. I fell into a severe depression, coupled with the stress of school and having to graduate and also the added stress of feeling like my parents were blaming me for their financial problems because they were constantly having to take me to the doctor for tests and medications because I was always ill, especially throwing up. I remember I refused to eat for a week. It's not that I didn't want to kill myself or anything like that, it's just that I didn't feel well and didn't feel like eating. I ended up losing 10 pounds that week alone. It's strange how something so seemingly benign as depression can wreak so much havoc on your body.

You are so wonderful for getting your siblings help. I really wish my parents would have helped me when I asked them. People have no idea just how much depression can really hurt a child.  

[Filia_Nox_Noctis]

Foster care isn't always bad in fact it is usally very good (you only hear about the bad ones in the media) and if the therapist wont report it you could. my advice is seek out knowledge that will give you power (i know bad cliche but true) and then do everything you can for your brother your parents are clearly not fit to raise him and the incident with his therapist is proof your mother is avoiding the posibility that it might be her fault that something is wrong. and yes i agree religion can be a very dangerous thing in the wrong hands and your parental units hands are very much the wrong hands for a lot of things. you love your brother that much is obvious and he needs to at the very least know that you love him just letting him know that you do and are there for him if he needs an ear to listen or a shoulder for crying can make all the difference. do what you can and we will be watching, waiting, and lending our strength (i'll set aside a part of my meditations just for the 2 of you)  

[Tirsden]

Thank you all again. So very much. And yes, I forget that I distrust the media and for the most part, that's where so much (biased) information comes from. ^^; In fact I saw a shelter recently on a home improvement show that surprised me... it looked like someone had opened a normal home, their own house, to those who needed it. I didn't even know anyone did that... that's so awesomely great! But then of course the only shelter I've ever had experience with has been one that threw people out during the day (in January, with snow on the ground... spent a week there) and besides that... ones I've seen on TV... or media references...

Anyways.

It turns out CPS is dragging their feet (and I can't even get an update because somehow my name did not get listed among people who should be able to hear from and add to the case). So I kept getting clueless phone messages from mother unit asking if I wanted to come over. I knew I would have to end things in a more definite way, but then I also realized... I had one last chance to talk to "Jack." I thought at first I couldn't do it, because I'd already prepared to move on and the thought of going back there....... But I thought it over hard, and did go over one last time, Friday night through Saturday evening. Jack and I talked privately and he understands, though obviously it completely sucks this has to happen. I made sure to show him how to contact me via deviantArt. I've already gotten a message from him. heart

I came back home and wrote a draft of an email and got a little feedback on LJ and sent it earlier this afternoon. I contacted my kid sister via Facebook and after initial confusion she also understands. The content of the email is basically... well, it's what needed to be said. Some of it has been said before, perhaps slightly less clearly. They can't deny it now. Beyond that, it's a request that they never contact me again. I guess something got through, because the phone has remained silent. I blocked their email address of course. Whatever they might do, I refuse to give them any more quarter. I'm done.

Meanwhile, CPS needs to get a move-on.  

[charamath]

I'm glade your brother and sister understand. Want to borrow my steel-toed boot for te CPS?