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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:55 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:00 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:41 am
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 10:24 am
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Alexandretta First of all.. the red flag that comes up for me is, where if she has a history of lying... I wouldnt bank on her using the 40.00 for two tickets to a dance. She has been evasive all along not giving the information about who-what-when-where-how... that right there speaks alot. By the way, since when does a school dance cost $40.00 for tickets for a couple? Unless she was planning to go to a Junior or Senior Prom, I know the regular dances tend not to be more than 5 or 6 bucks tops around my neck of the woods. Seems to me there needs to be some sort of professional intervention. Lying, lack of motivation, failure to thrive in school, cant hold herself accountable for her actions. By chance, did she ever receive counseling through the divorce? She seems to be struggling with her self-esteem here (boy), doesnt seem to want to be honest in her actions or with words (perhaps divorce-related), looking for the wrong kinds of attention (failing in school and coming up with excuses)... I would really be interested in learning more about whether or not she received counseling as a result of the divorce. Most divorce courts will require couseling when kids are involved if there were issues stemming from the divorce. I agree on both fronts, there is no telling that she even planned on going to this dance. And the price does seem pretty high. She didn't say she would pay for his ticket so $40 for just one ticket? Sounds more like a concert cost to me or some sort of party cash fund. Therapy would help her to be sure but all of those traits you've described about her could be easily be caused by drug and/or alcohol abuse. You'd be surprised at how easy that sort of thing can be hidden if you've got a friend with dead beat parents. Personally I'd confront her about what her plans for that night really are, why she lied about it etc or if she's more likely to tell the truth to her father have him do it. And watch for signs of depression or substance abuse in her.
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 4:46 pm
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I think assuming there could be substance abuse based solely on the information given is pretty out there and reminds me of overprotective parents constantly asking their kids if they're on drugs every time they do something that the parent doesn't approve of or understand. Remembering being a teen myself {as that was not as long ago for me as some others} I can tell you that if my parents had asked me if I was on drugs, or even tried to squeeze the answer out of me without asking directly every time I did something "out of the ordinary", it would have only made me feel annoyed and less likely to be open with them. Actually, I'd even go as far as to feel insulted.
I know this is not the case for everyone and sometimes it might be good to ask, but in most cases they will be less trusting of you if you're snooping around their room looking for drugs. 14 is also kind of young to start getting into such things... especially as a female.
I agree that it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want that money for dance tickets, but that doesn't mean she wants to buy drugs with it. My sister stole a lot of money when she was a teen, and she didn't do drugs with it. She just used it to buy herself a lot of random stuff and flash it around her friends to impress them. It bothered her that we were poor, so she tried to make herself look rich by any means necessary. To this day she will deny that she stole it, however.
Unfortunately, I don't really have advice for this specific situation other than not letting her go anywhere unless she provides viable contact information and getting confirmation from other parents. Therapy as suggested above could be a good idea for a more prolonged fix to her personal issues, but it could also make things worse in some cases. You'd have to judge for yourself if it is right for your situation. A liar never wants to admit when they lie, and "butting in" too much can make her act out more out of spite.
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 5:39 pm
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:43 am
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I don't have children of my own and I'm too quite young to remember how it was back when I was about that age. Difference is that I was pretty "nice" kid.
Still your question got my attention and raised an opinion. I'd say that you do need to seriously sit down with her and have her to put all the cards on the table and bring the boy to meet you. Don't just hint, ask straight. With this case, she should not be going nor getting any money for it if she can't prove herself. She seems to be a girl who has gotten too much leash - I'm not pointing anyone, these things just happen with divorces - or thinks so.
If possible, try to get all the information yourself first. Ask the school or whatnot. Demand details, names and facts. Then you know and you don't have to guess and be surprised afterwards. And she'll have to learn that lying doesn't help her. Being caught hands red (is that the saying?) makes her unable to turn it inside her head to anything else and continue as before.
She might hate it at that moment, but it is needed. I have the feeling, that she may be thinking that she's in control of the situation. And in a one way, she is. As long as she can try to squirm around she will do it and cause trouble. This should become also authority question, most of the teens do rebel, but they need the adult to their lives too to say 'don't be stupid'.
Correct me if there is need, fill in the blanks. But those were the things that I've encountered even in my own family and with friends same age. Parents do need to be strict with these, early enough too. 14-year old doesn't think what s/he does or what it causes. Its just fun and games to most of them. =/
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 9:47 am
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:22 pm
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Chimaria Oh Veddhartha... You are so on point. When I got home last night I was informed that her mother felt it was okay for a 14 year old to stay out on a first date until MIDNIGHT! eek The heck! I was 17 when I was allowed the Cinderella hour! "...try to get all the information yourself first. Ask the school or whatnot. " Yes inquiring outside of her is the only way to get the truth. & play twenty questions to get something close to the truth. Her father and I have had multiple sit downs with her (past 6 years). I informed her (number of times over the past 3 years) that truth, honesty is important to trust and if she wants keys to a car...these are just a couple of the items needs (grades, responsibility...). still...nothing...she's practicaly pathological in her lying patterns. I'm hoping for some serious therapy...but she's not ready. And with her indulgent mother, it is sooo hard to create incentives. Bri told us...when she was 6 years old "if you don't get it for me...mommy will!" and it hasn't changed.
-ponders-
Given my background in psychology, this does sound like some hints of narcissism. Either that or she's spoiled as heck, and you're going to either break her out of it or she'll be so in deep that there wouldn't be any help.
You might want to ask the therapist to take a approach that counters her possible narcissism. Good luck!
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:39 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:24 pm
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:08 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:34 am
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 5:58 pm
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wow Sweet...thank for the light at the end of the tunnel story. I hope for the a similar result. since you asked...The parents were divorced several years before the Dad and I met. We technically are not married, but have been together for almost 9 years. We have been struggling with her grades since 5th grade. Largely due to her mother refusing (i mean refusing in every sense of the word) to follow through with homework, keeping her from school for any little reason, getting her to school late, teaching her daughter to make excuses (to date is a chronic problem) & placing blame on the father whenever convenient. Partly due to the daughter who is absolutley lazy unless it's something she wants, lies "because it's convenient", deceives to get her own way and practicing everything her mother taught her right down to the "sigh". I have had 1:1 conversations endlessly. Supportive (available when you need an ear, your dad is upset b/c...) and firm (I need to hear the truth, don't steal from me...). My 20 yo daughter has taken her aside and said "call me if you need to talk to someone". When it comes to father/ daughter taking sides. I am mostly neutral. if the father is out of line (way pissed off) i'll help defend her...when i know she is BS'ing us i'll take the "listen to your father" role. those examples are very generalized. She has the support and understanding of our neighbors and a young couple we know takes are once a week to youth group meetings (she enjoys those). We won't mention the endless rewards/bribes we presented to her for years if she would just get C's (amusement park trips w/ a friend, cruises, $, etc) I also keep reminding her dad, that though she is all of the above, she could be a lot worse (more physical, more verbal (more shouting), behaviorally out of line) so there are parts of her that are restrained, considering she is a young teenager. oh and at a recent school physical she has the eyes of a hawk and hearing of a bat...scarey!! She loves to read and is given plenty of time for that.
*yipes!* again...thanks for your story...and congratulations on your daughter's fabulous comeback and heavy duty responsibility to join the armed forces. (My daughter is in the National Guard - Army) heart heart
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