advice please!!

[angelplustwo]

okay , i have myself , my boyfriend and our 2 kids live in a 2 bedroom apt. which is small but works for US. my boyfriends brothers decided to move here and are currently staying in our home that's 5 extra people ( 3 adults and 2 young children ) on top of the 4 that lives here so that is 9 total.
other then spending ALL my time cooking and cleaning up after these people i don't mind them being here i like his brothers and the kids but his sister in law keeps yelling at my son and lets hers get away with everything! she yells at my 5 year old for stuff her boy does. And i can't take it anymore. i feel like i have to keep my son in his room so she won't yell at him . then her kid goes in there and still its my boy that she yells at. I have told her to stop and so has my boyfriend. I am afraid if she does it again i'm going to knock her out! its getting so bad i am uncomfortable in my own home and now spend most of my time in my room by my self. its even causing me problems with my health. i get horrible awful pains in my tummy yesterday i could hardly walk.anyone have any ideas how i could make this situation easier without me taking my kids and going to my moms? my boyfriend is trying so hard . but he promised his dad he would take care of his little brothers!  

[Veddhartha]

Oh gods. You're in a terrible situation.

I do appreciate the fact that family is helping each other and you as a couple have taken them in. BUT. That should never be something that is taken for granted by those who reserve your help.

Even if your boyfriend is promised to take car of his brothers, it should not go to the point where it is a burden that either of you can't carry. They do need to help themselves too and (excuse my French) goddamn respect you two for letting them live there. Its your house and your rules. That is so big thing that people deserve to be humble for it and at least help you with daily shores. It is much to have them under your roof - why on earth you also have to serve them. The way you represented it, it sounds like they are not either realizing or caring how much extra labor it gives you.

To my eyes, that rudeness negates your obligation to help them that much. Enough is enough, and a promise loses its meaning if you and your boyfriends father are not least bit respected for your help. If case really is that your kindness and your bf's loyalty to his father is mistreated.... You don't have to put up with it.

Try to keep your chin up, what you two have done has been praiseworthy. But no one has right to misuse you. Don't let that bring you down, if you don't want them to stay, you aren't committing a moral crime.  

[Azure Alexea]

Veddhartha

Oh gods. You're in a terrible situation.

I do appreciate the fact that family is helping each other and you as a couple have taken them in. BUT. That should never be something that is taken for granted by those who reserve your help.

Even if your boyfriend is promised to take car of his brothers, it should not go to the point where it is a burden that either of you can't carry. They do need to help themselves too and (excuse my French) goddamn respect you two for letting them live there. Its your house and your rules. That is so big thing that people deserve to be humble for it and at least help you with daily shores. It is much to have them under your roof - why on earth you also have to serve them. The way you represented it, it sounds like they are not either realizing or caring how much extra labor it gives you.

To my eyes, that rudeness negates your obligation to help them that much. Enough is enough, and a promise loses its meaning if you and your boyfriends father are not least bit respected for your help. If case really is that your kindness and your bf's loyalty to his father is mistreated.... You don't have to put up with it.

Try to keep your chin up, what you two have done has been praiseworthy. But no one has right to misuse you. Don't let that bring you down, if you don't want them to stay, you aren't committing a moral crime.

Well said, I agree completely. It's your roof, ad it should be your rules. Definitely put your foot down about yelling at your son, if she can't stop then she needs to find somewhere else to be. It's not fair to you, the others in the house, and especially not fair to your son. Maybe it's time to start looking into other ways to help them, such as trying to help them find new employment (if that is why they are there), any government assistance they might qualify for, and a new place of their own.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

I agree with Veddhartha. I have been in a somewhat similar situation before and it was not fun. However, rather than it being me and my spouse taking people in, it was my mother and father taking family in. I was already living there... I hadn't moved out yet. Then my sister came in with her two kids and boyfriend, and then my brother. Everyone wanted to just lounge around and enjoy living in a place without having to pay rent or bills, but it was really taxing on my father. We had about 8 people in the house including children {sometimes 10 when my sister had her children from a previous relationship visiting for a while}, and my dad had to pay for each and every one of them without any help.

He put up with it for a while because it was his children, but when they started blowing their money on things they didn't need instead of trying to save up like he thought they were, it started becoming too much. Eventually they moved out on their own volition because having that many people living in a small space can get rather annoying. Right before they moved out, I remember a lot of yelling, stress, and drama. My mum and dad had even given up their room just to shut my sister up because she kept complaining about having to stay in the livingroom.... she acted like she owned the place and she deserved the best we had to offer. I have never wanted to punch a woman more than my own sister.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help, but you should not let them walk all over you. It is -your- place and you are allowing them to stay out of kindness. If they cannot respect you, your home, and your family, then they do not deserve your kindness and they can go elsewhere.  

[Mikiba]

I understand that your boyfriend made a promise to his father, but there is such a thing as helping others help themselves. It sounds like they are taking advantage of your kindness and not really trying to make their situation any different.

If your sister in law is yelling at your son, maybe you should remind her that you and your boyfriend are letting her and her family stay there out of kindness. Sometimes people need to be reminded of these things. Don't feel like you owe them anything...you're helping clean up after them. Enlist her to help you. Tell your boyfriend to have a similar talk with his brothers. With the economy the way it is, no one can afford to have someone take advantage. Just talk it out. If it doesn't work, just tell them that you don't mind letting them stay there but you and your boyfriend are paying for it and you don't have to put up with it. =/ Family is family, but don't let them take advantage of you.  

[Patron with a Mission]

I agree with everyone here; ask them to help, or push them to help themselves. If it's gotten to the point to where your health is at stake, then it's time to do something.

First, however, I believe you and your boyfriend need to sit down and agree on a plan of action. Then follow through, and show the offending party that you both agree and both intend to seek their help or seek their behinds getting out the door.

Forgive my harshness, but I hate people who take advantage of other people's kindness.  

[Harbone]

I think, first and foremost, you need to evaluate what effect this is having on your child.

If constantly being chided by the sister is having a negative effect on your kids, then, for heavens sake take every effort to stop it!

Don't worry about the sister pampering her child, just tell her, then and there, to leave yours alone... and make whatever ultimatums you have to make. Your child is what's important.

Keep in mind, too, that the sister may not be able to perceive what her own child is doing wrong. We humans have funny blind spots when it comes to those we love.  

[Wixandrettas]

Whether your boyfriend promised his father or not... that home is YOUR home and your boyfriend's. That home is to be respected. That includes the people who pay the rent/mortgage and utilities and their family members as well.

Promise or no promise, family or no family: If they cant remember to back off of your children, then they need to find another place of their own.

This is why I dont help family members/significant others. I refuse to. I did this once, and never again. Never ever will I ever help them out. They took advantage of me in the worst way possible and I refuse to do anything for them because they forget that they have a responsibility. Im sorry I know that sounds cruel but: in most circumstances they tend to forget that they are in someone else's home and to be mindful of that. Your sister-in-law seriously needs to be put in her place. And her husband/partner needs to be reminded to keep her in check as well.. so shame on the both of them.

Also.. why the hell are you doing the cooking and cleaning for everyone? Who the hell says they can walk all over you like this? If you are doing it all, then you are being walked all over...No wonder you have stomach pains.. you are most likely developing problems there due to the high level of stress in that home.

I dont mean to come off pissed off but this whole picture reeks of being taken advantaged of not to mention SIL feeling like she can throw her weight around in a home that doesnt belong to her from the start. It sounds like to me they need to find another place. Seriously. They need to make every strong effort to get the hell out of there, regardless of the shitty economy.

Dont let them mooch and walk all over you like this. Your poor son needs you to put them in their place. This is HIS home and the only people that should be giving him any discipline is Mom and his Dad (your boyfriend, I dont know what the relationship is between them)... Your boyfriend needs to support you on these problems because its not going to get better from the way you have communicated it.

They need to move on in their own place or stay with someone else who can better-accomodate them. Man, things like this piss me off.  

[Yraen Man]

Harbone

I think, first and foremost, you need to evaluate what effect this is having on your child.

If constantly being chided by the sister is having a negative effect on your kids, then, for heavens sake take every effort to stop it!

Don't worry about the sister pampering her child, just tell her, then and there, to leave yours alone... and make whatever ultimatums you have to make. Your child is what's important.

Keep in mind, too, that the sister may not be able to perceive what her own child is doing wrong. We humans have funny blind spots when it comes to those we love.

We must remember in this situation, that not only the Mother's of all the children are involved. There's also a relationship between the brothers to think about. Perhaps it should not up to the mothers to sort out the situation. Perhaps it should be the brothers/fathers.

Not to be unkind, but perhaps your partner's brother needs to be informed of what's going on under HIS brother's roof. Then, it could be left up to HIM to remind HIS partner that they are guests, first and foremost. Perhaps he needs to remind HIS partner of this fact and that if SHE has a problem with either Parent or Child, then she needs to figure out whether she needs to find alternative accomodation.  

[Miss Abigal of Lenox]

The one thing you need to do is sit down and talk about how long they are going to stay, then get the rules straight, things that can and can not be done, meal preparation, cleaning and the duties of all concerned. There is no way I would let this lady yell at my child like this, after all it's his house and they're guests. Shame on this lady, who's acting like the child here. Times are tough all over and I believe that we should help each other but there's a limit as to what you will put up with and I think this lady has stepped over the line. Talk with her, you can't hold things in or you will explode one day and then you might not say the things that you want to say. Words said in anger usually hurt someone, so best to sit down and talk before you reach that point. I wish you all the luck with this situation, it's not an easy one to deal with.  

[Veddhartha]

Yraen Man

We must remember in this situation, that not only the Mother's of all the children are involved. There's also a relationship between the brothers to think about. Perhaps it should not up to the mothers to sort out the situation. Perhaps it should be the brothers/fathers.

Not to be unkind, but perhaps your partner's brother needs to be informed of what's going on under HIS brother's roof. Then, it could be left up to HIM to remind HIS partner that they are guests, first and foremost. Perhaps he needs to remind HIS partner of this fact and that if SHE has a problem with either Parent or Child, then she needs to figure out whether she needs to find alternative accomodation.

Seconded, heavily.  

[angelplustwo]

heart hello everyone i want toi thank you all for your advice! and i used it to lol. But now thankfully today they are moving into there own house hooray!! i am so excited to get my house back lol thanks again  

[Veddhartha]

How did it turn out? And congrats for having your home back. blaugh  

[Patron with a Mission]

angelplustwo

heart hello everyone i want toi thank you all for your advice! and i used it to lol. But now thankfully today they are moving into there own house hooray!! i am so excited to get my house back lol thanks again

Congrats! Now hopefully things will get back to normal for you ^.^  

[Maria51]

You need to say what you feel. You have the right to happiness and if this situation is causing you physical problems, its not good. Set boundaries, set limits, and if your brother in law brakes them, you'll have the answer.
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