~ In Loving Memory: Margaret Montgomery ~

[Moonlite__Syren]

XxXx Under Construction! xXxX

Note: This Thread is still under Construction but I have reserved all the posts that I will need, so you may post as I work on it if you like ^^



Its been a few years, but I decided to work on this again. This is my daughter now, touching the her grandma's frame as if she's known her all her life.

 

[Moonlite__Syren]

Chapter 1:
Bits and Pieces of her Life.

I regret to say that there was a lot of things I didn't know about my mom and her early life. I did manage however to pick up some things that she told me before she died. I learned that she had made a lot of mistakes in her life just as much as she tried to put her own effort to make up for those mistakes. I will list here everything that I have learned about her early life. The good, the bad, and the mediocre.

First things first, I know that her name was not originally Margaret Montgomery. Her real name was Karen Ann Konow. But from how she use to tell she hated her name. She hated how people would call her "Karen Ann." I don't recall where the name Margaret came from but I know it was either from her mom or grandmother. Montgomery I know was her grandmother's maiden name. She told me she was very close to her mom and grandmother. She would always get on me about treating her right because she was her mom's goody two shoes. She even named me after her grandmother. I unfortunately was not able to meet any of these lovely people. I was born much later to the point where Great Grandma Vivian had passed from old age. But my grandmother had unfortunately committed suicide. The reasons behind that are still unclear. I also know that she had a dad and her mom and dad divorced shortly after she and her sister had moved out of the house. The stories I heard about grandpa were not pleasant ones. Apparently he would always pick on my mom because she was very sensitive and easily to be picked on. And I guess he wanted her to be a son rather then a daughter to. So he would buy her trucks and stuff. He was in the air force I think it was. Then my mom sorta started calling herself an army brat because she went into the forces herself but didn't survive halfway through boot camp because of her asthma and they kicked her out because of it lol. Speaking of which for her hating that man so much I don't know why she kept his air force pin for all of these years. I now have it in a special place.

Among getting into the force my mom had also worked in a factory. There she met a little African American girl who had asked her for some money for lunch and my mom told her sorry but she didn't have any. She was suppose to get paid within the hour though. But the girl blew up and said, "I thought all white people were rich." An old lady passed by both of them and said "If she was rich, she wouldn't be working here."

She was also a receptionist on several jobs. So she knew how to type very fast on a type writer. Yes, a TYPE WRITER. Remember those ancient things? I remember she had an old olive green one... or maybe it was brown. She let me type on it when I was little. She really enforced me to read and write. What good mother wouldn't? I know that she use to write screen plays, stories, and poetry. I remember this big black binder she had that was full of her poetry. But that thing has been hidden for years. It still remains MIA to this day.

Let's see, back to her family. Let's talk about my aunt Karla. Apparently they were very violent siblings but they always protected one another. Whether it was from guys, gossip, etc. My mom talked very highly of her sister. Sometimes if me or my dad made her upset she'd talk to her on the phone. And she'd always know what to say to calm her down.

She also had a nifty little cat named Jeana Bean but was later named Jelly Bean. It was a black cat with yellow eyes. And it would stalk people and pounce on their heads from high places lol.

My mom said that once she and her sister had saved a kitten who was in a paper bag and about to be lit on fire by a bunch of these guys. Go mama!

Okay let's speed things up a little bit here. She was born in Indiana and left her parent's house in Florida. Aunt Karla went to Ohio. And my mom went to California to kinda be close to all the celebrities in Hollywood. Basically she became a groupie. But also as she lived out here she was taking acting lessons. She lived in a apartment close to the beach. And made trips to LA and all that very frequently. Before and a little after my birth my mom was a swinger. She dated more then one guy at a time. (I got to meet Harrison Ford when I was a baby go me! XD) So there's a chance I could be the kid belonging to 1 of at LEAST 2 people that I know of. And that's Micky Dolenz, one of the singers from the Monkees. And my dad. Who I am living with now.

Now let's stop where and how she met my dad. My mom and dad knew this guy named Sandy who was best friends with my dad and dating my mom at the time. My dad was a Speed Dealer. So he sold Speed to my mom and Sandy. Somehow or another Sandy died. And through mourning I guess my mom got together with my dad and started to date him. They went to Disney Land with my brother overnight and that's where I supposedly may have been conceived. My poor brother had to listen to my mom as he was trying to sleep XDDD. ANYWAYS.

I was born. And at that time my mom and dad weren't together anymore. It took my mom eight months before she told my dad that I was alive and in the world. My Aunt Karla was the one who persuaded my mom to finally tell my dad. Karla didn't believe my mom was doing the right thing by keeping me in secret and not letting me know who my father is. And I guess supposedly he stalked her. o.O He would drive by with his car or have my brother, Brett make prank phone calls. I don't know about all that. My mom was kinda paranoid on those sort of things. Eventually she did move in. But I guess my dad made a messed up comment and said "God knows we could use the money." I'm sure he didn't quite mean it like that but it was inappropriate for him to say that regardless. Then my brother threatened my dad with a shotgun and told him not to lay a hand on me or my mom.

Anyways, we lived there in LA for quite some time. Those were very dark and violent days of my childhood. I didn't realize it at the time because I was too young and didn't know any better. My dad was really abusive towards my brother and continued to sell dope so I got to meet all kinds of weird people. Who kept gawking at how cute I was.

We left LA shortly after I started Kindergarten. We got evicted from that house. So we moved out to Newhall/Valencia.  

[Moonlite__Syren]

Chapter 2:
My memories with her

The nicknames she gave me: Toots, Boo, Kit, Little Witch.

I have a lot of memories of her that play as flash backs quite frequently these days. I'm sorry if all of this seems a little jumbled but you have to understand that these are perspectives I've took in as a child. This is how I saw things and how I remember them. So please bear with me lol.

Let me start where I can go back and remember when I was at least 2-4 years old.

Actually the farthest memory I can probe into my mind is one that I think I might be 1-2 years old. I was in the stroller and it was really bright outside. But the stroller was really comfy and the heat made me really sleepy. And I remember going to this place that was near a beach. My mom took me out of the stroller and gave me a bag of popcorn to feed to the seagulls. And then we walked along this walkway and I saw a dead baby octopus in one of those pools of water that sometimes collected in between those big rocks on the beach. The place had a lot of colorful buildings on the side. In one of the buildings was this Disney souvenir shop I think it was. And they had this mound of mickey mouse plushies all in different sizes. I really wanted them. Really bad lol. My dad picked up and as we were leaving, I stopped to look at these colorful flamingos and birds that were wind/lawn ornaments. And I kissed the flamingo good bye XD.

I remember being by the beach a lot. Like this one time I was with my mom and dad. Me and my mom picked up my dad from the fish yard and there was this BIG fish thing. I can't remember if it was in a hanger or hanging from a crane off of one of the ships. It was like a whale or a shark. It was just really big. But as we were leaving I got to have my close encounter with a pelican that was on the dock. That thing must have been as big as I was cuz I remember looking at it eye-to-eye level. My dad got me to feed it some sardines or anchovies. I was afraid to feed it or get close to it because it was pretty intimidating. Its beak was huge and I was afraid it was going to snap at me and lose a finger. It didn't seem to fear me much because I was about as big as it was. But my mom and dad had to stand back otherwise it would have flown away and they wanted me to have this experience. So they watched me from as close as a distance as they could. The pelican did bite me though. Not as hard as I thought it would but it FREAKED me out! But my dad was right on its a**. He chased it away and my mom made sure I was alright and kept saying "Bad pelican! Hurt my baby!"

She did that a lot whenever I like hurt myself or ran into a table, she'd tap the table and say "bad table! hurt my baby!" and it made me giggle and stop crying. ^^.

I remember walking in on my mom who was laying on her tummy on the bed and listening to her walkman (yes those things that played cassettes! but they're more durable then diskmans. thanks god for mp3 players and ipods! s**t I'm off topic okay anyways.) And she was reading a book. And I was just wondering what she was doing cuz she had disappeared earlier that day. And I was about to leave her to her thing but she immediately dropped what she was doing and went to go play with me. I felt really bad though. I didn't wanna disturb her and push her away from her alone time. crying

I remember one time that I walked into her room to look for her and I found something weird on the dresser. It was a mirror with white powder stuff. And my mom came in and was leading me out and I asked it what that stuff was and she told me it was her medicine. When in reality I'm sure it was her speed stash.

I also remember this one time where she was really drunk and sick. (The worst kind of combination.) She kept telling me she was dieing and no one loved her. And I calmed her down and told her I loved her and then she threw up on my pants that were on the floor beside the bed and went to sleep.

I remember a lot of times when my parents would fight and I would always talk to each of them and try to get to them to apologize to one another. But then one day I just gave up. They fought too damn much Dx.

I remember when my mom introduced me to The Land Before Time (the very first one!), Indiana Jones, Toys starring Robin Williams, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Never Ending Story, and music videos of Jim Morison.

I remember my first room. I shared it with my mom. My mom didn't sleep with my dad. The room was really big. And sometimes can get REALLY cold. There was at least two windows that looked out to the backyard. On one side of the room was the bed and a boombox. And the other side was all of my toys. My mom bought me those little "room" sets. Like how its a kitchen and you get all of this plastic food and plates. And she also got me a salon set. And I had LOTS of stuffed animals! Still do XD. At that time I wasn't going to school so I didn't really have friends so I played with the dogs, my stuffies, and my mom. My mom would dress me up and at one time she dressed me up, she taped a little toy microphone to the handle of the vacuum cleaner and I had my little toy guitar and I was jamming out! My mom was so thrilled and took a lot of pictures of me then and throughout my childhood. Even now as I look through the pictures it seem like every time I moved my head or blinked, just the slightest movement, I was even cuter so she made sure she got every last cute pose I made XD.

I remember late at night when I told her I was hungry and she'd go down to the corner to pick us up some BBQ ribs to snack on.

I also remember her reading to me. I had this little mermaid book with buttons on the side that made sounds. So when you read and you came across the little picture you were suppose to push the button on the side. It was suppose to make reading more fun. But in reality kids were just more focused pushing at the buttons lol. She also got me a big flat book that was beauty and the beast. And she'd read that to me to.

My mom was always encouraging me to express myself. She liked the fact I was so artsy. She demonstrated this by buying all of my art supplies. I had everything. Water colors, colored pencils, markers, cranyons, construction paper, glue, scissors, feathers, felt, beads, EVERYTHING. And she ALWAYS preferred that my gifts to her were hand made. She wouldn't accept a gift from me unless I had made her a card to go with it. And she kept everything. She had a whole stack of paper that was nothing but cobwebs because my class had taught us how to make them.

I also remember her putting makeup on me and giving me my own makeup box.

My mom was a constant shadow while I was growing up. She pampered me, coddled me, and was very strict. I couldn't go a certain distance from the house when I was out playing with my friends even if we were bicycling. I wasn't allowed on the street. I wasn't allowed out after dark or after dinner. There was a lot of things my mom took charge of even when I felt confident in doing it myself. Which is probably a reason why I have low self esteem issues. She wouldn't have me cook unless I was baking with my dad. Fact was she wouldn't have me in the kitchen if she was cooking. I learned a lot of my stuff from Jen, the internet, and cooking shows she and my bro would watch constantly.

Sometimes my mom would get frustrate when it came to trying to get me to understand the homework so would do it for me. Probably one reason why I was so lazy in school. She would sometimes would get carried away on m school projects to the point were they became her own. And if I didn't use her idea I was sure to fail and she would have a fit and give me a guilt trip. Guilt tripping was indeed one of her professions. Sometimes she would just act like a spoiled little brat. Unfortunately as I got older, I have developed these same characteristics. My mom suffered from mania and severe depression. I never figured out why she had these problems since she was such an inverted person. I have developed these due to postpartum as well as my domestic violence experience. Sometimes I feel like maybe my mom faced a similar experience as it would explain how and why she acted that way most of her life when I knew her.

I think from seeing how my mom treated my dad, how she always slept in her own room, warped my perception on love. On how to really treat someone you love. Not talk s**t behind their back and call them old, ugly, and a pig. Then when she would tell me I was just like my father, the one person she seemed to hate the most, really took effect on me. But I would much rather be like him then be like my crazy, old, drunk mom. At least my dad supported all of us when he had a job and when he had the willingness would fix things and make me toys and hold us together as a family. But apparently he was a horrible person? This confused me as a kid. My parents lived more like roomates. But I had developed this concept called love based on fairytales.

This is probably what lead me to make really bad decisions when it comes to the men in my life. Its bad when you're in a domestic violence relationship and the dude's mom is acting like your mom and filling that empty void in your life. That was something hard for me to give up on the account of it hit me on an extreme personal level. That woman was there during my entire pregnancy and when her son bitched out on the birth of his daughter, she was right there cutting the cord.

I remember being in my room and my mom had gotten this motion sensitive parrot. As I walked into the room or turned on the light it would turn its head, flap its wings, and caw. I decided I wanted to pet it one day so I pushed a computer chair over and climbed on top of it. I remember reaching up and I was just about to touch it. And I think maybe my mom came in the room and startled me or I lost my balance but I fell full on face down into the floor and I started to cry. And my mom told me not to do that again.

Shortly after my mom got me this little plastic bird cage with two plastic birds inside. One was yellow and one was red.

I remember a lot of toys she gave me. Like that little music box thing. It looked like a little television. You turned the nobs and then it started to play somewhere over the rainbow and a little wrap around picture would slowly started to move forward. I'd have it in bed with me and and I'd watch it and listen to it before I went to bed.

There was another music box that had just the wind-up key and it was wrapped by yellow tape. I forget what song it plays but it was really pretty and I loved! that thing! I think I still might have it somewhere.

She'd also make me a lot of things by hand. She really liked to sew. She'd make me clothes. And she made me this towel thing that had all of these soft tags and ribbons and I would take that and my binkey and go to sleep every night.

I told her that I wanted to learn how to sew. So she got me this little kiddy sewing set. It had plastic needles, yarn for thread, and you had to sew these felt pieces that were shaped like dinosaurs and already had premade holes in them either together with the other felt piece or to a thin cardboard that was the same shape.

I also remember when my dog had puppies but couldn't take care of them cuz she would kill them. (she was abused so we think it might have something to do with that.) So me and my mom would bottle feed them. I'd bottle feed my favorite dog Priscilla who would later treat me like one of her own. ^^

Then I remember when Priss had her own. But she had inbred with her brother accidentally Dx (my dad forgot to separate them when Pris went into heat.) She had a big litter but most of them died from parvo. My mom was really sad. Losing a baby's life was the most saddest thing cuz they will never know what life truly is, my mom had said.

Back on to a happier note, I remember my mom always stashed away candy. And it was always those vitamin C candies and the little strawberry ones. I ate the strawberries like crazy. And I would eat all of the orange and pink vitamin c's. Cuz the lemon ones were just nasty.

I also remember that my mom would sleep with me and my dad for a long time. Especially just after the northridge quake. My poor mom was on the toilet when it first hit lol. She got done as quick as she could and ran and jumped onto the bed to hold me. I remember the bed made a BIG jump. We had a water bed at the time. That was a scary memory. I could just hear the rumble of the quake. I could hear car alarms going off in the street and dishes breaking. But at that time my imagination took part and it kinda felt like a worm hole had opened up and there was a bunch of horses and cowboys running down the street. And then my dad squashed me when he rolled over. >.< over 200 pounds of pure muscle and body weight and about a pound of sweat splashed into my face. It was really gross.

Over the next few days we had some minor after shocks. Some were pretty long. But some were pretty short and abrupt. My mom taught me to stand under a doorway because that was one of the safest places to be. During one of the after shocks I remember her holding me under the doorway and she made worried noises but then it stopped.

I also remember when my dad got that job for the Forest Service and he'd be gone for sometimes as much up to a week to fight fires. And during that time it felt really good to spend time with my mom alone. I remember me and her would snack together on his bed and watch TV. I remember when she left the room for a minute and I put olives on all ten of my fingers and stuffed the rest of them in my mouth. So when my mom came back my cheeks were all full and I waved at her with one of my olive fingered hands. XD She would also make some crazy concoctions. Like I think it was a drink I REALLY liked that she made for me. I think it was mixed with cranberry grape juice and Sprite. So good. ^^

Then I remember when we go kicked out of the house. In LA. So the first place we went was to one of my dad's friend's house who lived with his mom. I called her grandma cuz she pretty much treated me like one and I didn't have one so I wanted one XD. We spent one night there. We had to sleep in the garage on cots and it was very cold. Then my dad manage to scrape enough money so we could go into a hotel for the next night. And I remember waking up in the middle of the night and I was wandering around. And then I guess my mom heard me and asked me what I was doing. And I told her I was hungry XD. I was a very hungry child XD. So she bought chips from a vendor machine in the hallway and I was like yay chips. I munched on them till I toppled over and went back to sleep.

Shortly thereafter, we moved out to Newhall/Valencia and I have to say, that had to be some of the best times I've had with my mom. She bought me a bike and taught me how to ride it. She got involved with my school and became the cafeteria lady. And she even got involved in a voluntary children's place that lent out toys. It was called the Toy Library. It also had a bunch of programs where you could go on field trips for cheap prices. Like we went to Catalina Island and my mom absolutely LOVED it! I only remembered the boat rides. Then we went horseback riding. Just the two of us. No one else really wanted to go which was a shame. And I remember multiple times we went to the community pool where she and my friends taught me how to swim.

We also would make regular visits to Hart Park. Which was an old western park down the street that had a petting zoo, a doggy cemetery, and a bunch of buildings that had historical meanings to it.

It truly was a beautiful place and a wonderful community.

But unfortunately we were only renting the house there in that city and the landlord saw that if he sold the house he would get more money. My dad tried to find an affordable home in Valencia but it was just too expensive. So we came into the Mojave Desert. Where the worst was shoved into all of us.

I met many deceiving friends and there was a lot of bullies at school and I started to go through puberty around the same time so I had a very bad attitude when it came to my parents. Especially to my mom. Apparently she had had breast cancer as far as back to Valencia but didn't tell anyone. At first it was hard to believe her cuz she was a bit of a drama queen and drank a lot. When we did finally believe her, she was about to have surgery for it. She had a disceptemy. I tried to take care of her for a few weeks as she recovered at home but then I went right back to my attitude. I think it was partially out of anger cuz she didn't tell us and because now that she was all better I didn't have to worry about her.

But she wasn't.

I tried to make the best of it in my own way. I invited her to come to a whale watching field trip at my school since I know she loved the ocean. I revealed to her my talent of singing. And would invite her "on occasion" to see some of my choir concerts. As I got older it just got more embarrassing Dx.

I also remember how during high school, she supported and introduced me to Paganism and would often leave a new book on my bed. Our favorite store was Sacred Space which was a Pagan store we'd visit on rare occasion but somehow we magically manage to bond there. She bought a lot of stuff there for me for xmas. It was awesome. I think I made a lot of good decisions there. Like buying that incense where half of its profit went to education funds for kids in India. And that calender which was made of recycled paper but had awesome artwork on it. She also got me my idols, athame, and a few other things. I sneaked some patchouli incense in there so I can give it to her later on. She really loved patchouli. I honestly hated it. She used the oil as a perfume and it was really strong and musky.

I remember my mom constantly embarrassing me and annoying me. Whenever I had friends over she'd tell them how bad of a daughter I was to her. Make them think I was the bad guy. She'd steal my lime light and take my friends away. Then she'd get butt hurt when I'd tell her to go away. Truth is, I knew that if she didn't go away, I would never be able to spend time with my friends. Of course there were politer ways to say it but when she's ignoring you while making your friends laugh at you I'd think anyone would have frustrated with the situation. But then I had to deal with the bad impression I just inflicted on my friends now. It was just bad.

I remember my mom being a very jealous, sensitive, and paranoid woman. Sometimes she would even get jealous of me. She'd yell at me about the stuff I got from my dad. Sometimes she'd get jealous over simple things like a new shirt or whatever. It didn't really matter what it was.

She could also be very vicious and vengeful. I remember when her dark brown eyes would just narrow and become evil looking. I also remember her yell. I have her yell now.

I remember I made her mad and she cast a spell on me to make me have a bad day at school. I had to find one of my teachers after class to get graded on my baby egg thing and I ended up spraining my ankle, searching the whole school, and never finding him. Then I had to walk home. Well more like limp home.

The reason why I knew it was her was because I remember I made her mad and she walked past me whispering something. Then while she was in the kitchen it sounded like she was chanting. And the next day, this happens. Coincidence? Possibly. But our house is very spiritual. Even a normal person entering the house could sense something that may have been a little off.

I remember one of the embarrassing moments in my life where she showed up at my high school to pick me up. She wore no shoes, no bra, no padding for her other boob, her baggy torn house clothes, and she was just standing there cat calling the football players. When she saw me, I ran the other way as quick as I could. lol

Her quotations:

"Patience and consideration is a virtue, and a virtue is a good thing."

So yeah... that's basically all I can say on the memories I have with her. I just feel really bad that I couldn't make the last few years of her life more enjoyable and less difficult.

But there's one more thing I'd like to add, by losing my mom I feel that I have lost the only person that actually gave a damn about me. Its been five years now since her passing and we are... not a family anymore. My brother is extremely narrowminded and we cant seem to see eye to eye anymore. My dad and I hardly ever talk unless its about his bodily fluids and functions which are subjects I dont have the stomach for. My family has put me in enough horrible situations to make me back off from them completely. The only person I have now is my daughter. And I want to make up for the loss of my mine and my mom's relationship and start over with my little legacy.  

[Moonlite__Syren]

Chapter 3:
Losing her Battle

She had to go to chemotherapy which was a really bad ordeal in itself. She would throw up every chance she could get. She couldn't keep food down so she started eating less and less. Her hair started to fall out little by little. But she never really lost her full head of hair which was good. But she was also in and out of chemotherapy. There was times where she would give up a couple of months. Because it was really bad. It was like...as she was getting better she'd have to go back in and be sick all over again. It was too much on her body. Then she came to the conclusion that she was going to give up on chemotherapy. She figured the therapy was only killing her and the cancer at the same time. So she'd rather have more time in her life, and let the cancer kill her off slowly.

But she was extremely fierce in her dieing years. She had her own room where she would yell and scream to herself and throw things around the room. Her name calling and words were very hurtful. She'd call me and my dad all of the mean names in the book. And she was ALWAYS unhappy. She had to be mean and angry at some point in the day. Nothing was ever good enough for her during that period. She always had something to complain about. She always had to yell and snap at me and my dad. Sometimes she'd even get physical. And she was always drunk.

I believe my mom may have opened a portal at one time because a LOT of things went really wrong for awhile. Some things were really hard to explain. Another possibility was sense she was near death, perhaps spirits were just attracted to her. I don't really know. I just know that my friends and I were haunted by something on several occasions.

Even now, years after my mom's passing, one of my friends entered my house and sensed a lot of "magical pollution" he called it. The house needs to be cleansed with a simple shaman sage burning.

I remember my mom telling me about a little girl that would come to her in search of a mother for her own had passed on to the light. But the girl was stuck behind. My mom also told me about another perverted male spirit. She told me he looked like a hippie. For awhile I believed in these spirits. But after awhile, the activity died down. And when my mom still talked of them, I only believed that it was just her drunken imagination. Perhaps after years of me pushing her away, she created these people to keep her company in her room?

Her main goal was to see me graduate high school. And to be honest, at the time I wasn't doing so good. It got so bad that by the summer I turned into a Senior, I was already two years behind in my grades. Our summer school only allowed us to take two classes over the summer. But the school had an independent study room next door where I could take two more classes. So I took four classes that summer to try to help my grades next year. I passed all my summer school classes but I had a problem passing the independent study classes. They were all done on computer and if you failed a lesson you'd have to call in and ask the lady to move you on. But I did all of my homework at night and by that time the lady wasn't in the office. So I gave up. By next year, apparently there was a problem when my mom went to go register me. I had been kicked out of the school from my grades and sent to Desert Winds or whatever its called. A school for slack offs and gangsters. Me and my mom wouldn't stand for it cuz we had no warning of this and we had no idea how to get to the school or anything. So we asked to talk to the main office people and they showed us into their back office. I don't think my mom has ever seen me react the way that I did in that office. They kept shoving papers in my face and said that there was no way that I was going to pass. And I denied them and said that I could. They kept saying I was in denial but I stood my ground. I was screaming, yelling, and crying in the process...but I stood my ground. I even went as far as walking out of the office because they weren't listening to me and I was seriously going to knock one of the ladies onto the floor! My mom came out to the car where I was and told me that I needed to finish this and come to a conclusion. So I went back into the office and I told them that I will take independent study as I'm attending to my other classes and I WILL pass. So reluctantly they gave me some paperwork and I signed it to allow me admittance back into the school. It was really such a relief but kinda terrifying cuz I know that I just chose the hardest way out. But I wanted to stay for my friends, for a choir class that I had been trying all my high school years to get into, and to graduate at my home school. And sure enough, I passed all of my independent study classes a few months before graduation, and my report card was straight A's besides one B. I did it. And when I was walking down the track on the day of graduation with my friend TJ, and looking for my cheerers lol. I saw her, my brother, and my two best friends cheering for me. My mom was so proud of me that day. She wouldn't stop talking about it for months. About how everyone told me that I wasn't going to pass and I was going to be kicked out of the school, but I fought and I fought hard to graduate that day.

> Another thing I forgot to add and would like to thank my mom for was she helped me find the place to do my Senior Project and drove me to the places I needed to go to keep up with it. ^^

After high school I knew it was only a matter of time before my mom was going to kick the bucket. Unless of course she had made another goal to stay with me to see me graduate college, or get married, or have kids. At this time I thought my mom was pretty much indestructible lol. As long as she didn't loose her spirit she would live a long time.

I took about a little less then a year off from doing completely nothing with my life. The only thing productive I did was open up a bank account and store my accident money to save for college. I had gotten about a grand from it. As I slowly wasted away, I decided I should probably start taking up a couple of classes at the college to get mom and dad off my a**. So I start going to college. I register myself, get my financial aid. (it was actually a lot difficult then that but I don't wanna talk about it lol.) My mom helped me a lot but for the most part she left it to me to figure out on my own. It was really frustrating and I almost gave up but I did it.

I mainly took electives to figure out if music was what I really wanted to do in life. Even though I had to choose a major and my major was music. But by that time it was just the beginning so even if I did change my mind it wouldn't be a problem. My mom really helped getting what I needed for school including giving me lunch money from time to time. She also helped by driving me over and getting a bus pass. She told me that I needed to learn how to ride the bus because it was costing too much gas. I was REALLY nervous. I didn't want to get lost lol. But I did it.

On the week of my ending finals, I was hospitalized because I felt like I couldn't breathe and I had a sharp pain in three different areas on my chest, side, and back. My mom didn't believe me. She thought I was being over dramatic. I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't, I was too in pain and I could barely talk. My mom was in her room screaming as usual about how I was being a little sissy. And my dad was in the living room perturbed by my movements and the way I was talking. He called my brother and sister to tell them to take me to the emergency room. My sister came first and picked me up. She drove me close to the entrance as she could, got me registered, I waited for a bit, then I was sent into a room where they were going to examine me. They knew I was taking medication that I got from a free clinic because I apparently had ring worm or Lyme disease on my wrist. I think they were checking to see if maybe the medication had formed any allergic reactions. They checked my heart because when I was younger I had a heart murmur. By they end of it my brother was already there, they came back to us and told us that they couldn't find anything. And that made me feel really bad because then that would mean this internal pain was my imagination? But then the doctor said that he thinks it might be one more thing, it might be a blood clot. Though its highly unlikely but he wanted to take a catscan to make sure. I was really freaked out. I knew my mom had blood clots caused by her cancer. I wondered if I had breast cancer or cancer of some sort. My brother and sister tried to calm me down and repeated saying that the doctor thinks its highly unlikely. So I calmed down and it was very painful for me to do the catscan. Took me several tries. To lay down flat and to put my arms over my head was the most painful thing I could do. It was alright sitting up. But to cough, hiccup, cry, laugh, burp, breathe heavily, sneeze, and sometimes to talk, hurt SO BAD. I had never experienced that kind of internal pain before. It just hurt so bad! They told me that I had a severe blood clot in my right lung. I would need to be at the hospital to run tests and take blood thinners till the blood clot thinned down some and look like it will pass on its own.

It was really boring to be at the hospital for a week. Especially with the thought of I was missing my finals. I had a lot of visitors though. And my mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, and Lyn would come and see me very often. I kept telling them I wanted to go home. And my mom apologized to me about not believing me. But I eventually went home. My mom tried to make everything comfortable for me. But I was up and running the next day. I developed a lot of respect for my mom. And I saw her as an inspiration. I knew she must of went through that kind of pain every day. But every day she got up and took care of us and get by that day.

Though I recovered quickly, I was afraid to go back to college. The longer I waited, the more I knew I couldn't go back. I had gotten on academic probation and they would want the financial aid back. Plus with the fact now that I didn't have medical insurance, the hospital bill would show up on my credit report record as well. I figured they'd see me as a person who just takes money and leaves. Plus I didn't think I could sing anymore. The blood clot had messed up my breathing and vocal cords pretty bad. I didn't know what else I could become.

So I decided to go ahead and get a job. I wanted to eventually get back into college. But making and saving money is always good. You can never go wrong with that. My mom became my coach. She motivated me to keep calling them and keep trying to get a job. Actually there was times she could have sworn I wasn't doing anything but I knew I could prove her wrong. It was hard because I didn't have any experience. I didn't know that clubs after school, baby sitting, and voluntary work was exactly "work experience" lol. I'm sure if I added that to my resume I probably would have gotten a job faster. But I did get a job in November. I was expecting people in my family to be a little more proud of me because it took me two years. But I got it. And I saved my first checks till I got about $400 to spend on xmas presents. I got my mom this mahogany wooden model of the B2 bomber. It was $60. Everyone else's budget was under $30. I wanted to make sure her present was the best and well thought of since my mom really liked to be spoiled and that's the whole point on xmas. Plus I wanted to get something that wasn't wolves or seahorses. I wanted to get her something different that she liked. Even though my brother took my idea and decided to give her a raptor jacket and another model of the B2 bomber with her name on it and hanging it from the ceiling...a** MY IDEA AND YOU HAVE TO COMPETE WITH ME?? Anyways. I still think she liked my gift more >.P.

The day after xmas my brother and his girlfriend finally got married after a 8 year relationship. I helpeded. ^^ Did the bride's makeup, helped her with her veil, and kept her calm cuz she was felt very nerve racked. As she was outside having herself a cigarette I remember asking her what were the reasons why she wanted to get married like all of a sudden and on this day in particular. She said that she always found it romantic that the day you started dating would be the day to get married on. That way you can keep the day you started dating as a fond memory. She also said that she didn't know how much longer my mom had to live, and she wanted her to see this. Unfortunately though, as everyone started to show up, I saw that my mom wasn't with my dad. And I was very disappointed. After the service he told Brett that she was sick in bed. She hadn't been able to get up. He'd been helping her to the bathroom to make sure she wouldn't fall and she's only been drinking glasses of milk to help her nutrition.

After the wedding, my mom only seemed to be going further and further downhill. My brother would be called sometimes at 3am to come over and help pick her up and make sure she stayed in bed. At first I thought it was the alcohol. One time she cracked her head open really bad when her head hit the bathroom tile. I told her to stay on her bed and I'd be back with the first aid kit to take care of her head. When I got back she was looking in her hand held mirror and told me she hadn't realized she cracked her head open, she couldn't even feel it. I felt like I was going to cry but I held in my tears and fixed up her wound and told her to lay back down and go to sleep. Then it got to the point where she wouldn't even get back up from bed anymore. We could trust that once she was put in bed, she would stay there. It was then that I realized that she was losing her spirit to fight. I remember sometimes going to sleep and crying. Because I knew her time was coming. I had dreams for three nights in a row about death. Just losing someone close to me in general. Then it slowly started to come to the time where my brother told her that he can't keep doing this. She needed professional help. So he took her to the emergency room and the hospital took her for about a week. Then they said that they were going to place her in a nursing home in Sylmar. Which was city about 45min.s away from us. So we couldn't see her as often as we would have liked.

I remember the last day I saw her alive. I had been working on a drawing in the car for her. It was a seahorse wolf. I thought it was a cute idea. When we got there she watched me color it. I used her favorite colors. Then I told her I was going to brb. I snatched some medical tape from the charge nurse and hung it up on her closet door that was right in front of her bed so she could always look up and see it. She kept telling my dad and brother that she wanted to go home and she promised not to drink anymore. I heard the quiver in her voice and felt so sad. I told her that I loved her over and over. It was the only thing that I could think of to tell her and the sound of it just wouldn't get old. I wanted to cry but I held it in. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. And I wanted to be strong for her.

And then we got a call from the nurse three days later that she was going down and she was going down fast. She didn't expect her to live within a few days. So we made plans to go see her tomorrow. But the nurse called back and said that she didn't expect her to live within hours. It took a long time for my brother to get a baby sitter and then he and Jen came and got us. But then Lyn called and said that he wanted to come with us so he tried to get there as soon as he could. I was already in the car by the time Lyn called. My dad was taking forever to dress himself and Jen was in there helping him. But my brother was outside talking to me and I started crying. I was so scared and I wanted to just go already and get there. I somehow knew in my heart that we weren't going to get there in time. And then I just got really angry. I told him if they would have taken better care of her she would probably be okay. The first time we went I found a stale pretzel at the bottom of her drawer, crumbs by the beds, spilled crap all on the nightstand. That place was dirty. Plus the paint was all peeling from the walls. The hallways had flickering lights. The color of the place was really depressing. And EVERY time we went there her mouth was really dry and she was always dehydrated. Her cup of water was in a place she couldn't have reached it. And her bags that gave her nutrition were always like empty. My brother tried to calm me and told me that its natural to feel angry and that you feel like you could have done more. Or other people could have done more.

So everyone got there and we all piled into the mini van and took off. The moment we were about to get on the freeway, my brother got a call from the nurse and she told us that mom passed just 60 seconds ago. My brother told my dad. His stupid a** wasn't even listening he was in the middle of his stupid stories. And I had to ********' yell at him to make sure he heard us. And he was like "oh..." Dumbass. "well no sense in going to see her now." And I blew up right there in his face. I turned around and said "I STILL WANNA GO!" My brother held my hand and we drove out there. As we were driving I had a big overwhelming feeling come over me. And everything just seemed brighter. The sun shined brightly over the mountains and seemed to wink at me through the trees. It was like the world was trying to show me how beautiful it was to save me from my sorrow. But it didn't help. Nothing helped. I felt like I wasn't gonna be happy again. I felt like she wasn't really dead. I hoped maybe the nurse made a mistake, maybe she'll wake up one last time to look at us and then leave.

When we got there, I remember running into the nursing home, and running almost disorientated down the depressing halls. I came to her room to first see an old lady that had been her roomate. She gave me this really kind smile. I think I might have given her a weird look because at that time my brain was like "Why is this crazy lady smiling at me? Doesn't she know my mom's dead?" I approached the curtains and slid them to the side. My mom was there looking like she was peacefully sleeping. I approached her slowly feeling the uncontrollable tears form in my eyes. I sat down next to her and clutched her hand in my own. I was surprised to feel that it was still warm. Not like the saying, "Cold as death." This was my first time being in the presence of a dead person aside from an open casket funeral I had went to when I was younger. But I didn't know that person like I knew my mom.

As I sat there, clutching her hand, crying uncontrollably, I tell her that I was sorry. Sorry for not being the perfect daughter, sorry for making her life difficult, sorry for not getting there in time. And I told her how much I loved her and how I would always remember her and I know now that she's always with me. Of course I didn't say half these things out loud because I was too overcome by sadness.

I started to hear movement on either side of me and I noticed I wasnt alone anymore. My family finally came in to say their good byes. Jen was the first to say something and it was something that seemed to strike everyones eyes at the same time. She said it looked like she was still breathing. And it really did, I still swear to this day that I saw her stomach/chest rise and fall. But my brother says that it was just our eyes in denial. Or maybe it was the body exhaling all the breath from the lungs as it went into the stage of necropolis. Or maybe it was her spirit lingering and leaving the body the moment we got there. Who knows?

Jen offered me to take a lock of my mom's hair in remembrance of her. I looked at my mom and I saw how peaceful she was now. This was a woman that lived in making people happy. She had held on to see me graduate and lived past that. There was nothing more I could ask from her. Holding onto even a piece of her would not make entirely free. And I wanted her to be free. I didn't want a piece of her to be left behind. She deserved her much needed peace and rest. If there was anything I could do I felt that it was letting her go.  

[Moonlite__Syren]

Chapter 4:
Emotional Turmoil

On that day, I blamed everyone for her death.

I blamed the nurses for not taking care of her. I remember going through the drawers and finding stale crumbs from snack foods that have been there for who knows how long! The floor was sticky from things being spilled. And the whole building was just dreary. Paint was peeling off, the color was depressing. It needed MAJOR work. It reminded me of a foreign rescue building from like Africa or something.

And the work they were putting it through made it even more uglier. PINK curtains and walls. Made me sick.

It wasn't a clean and hospitible environment. That and my mom said that the nurses were mean to her. They had her wate WAY out of her reach. When I visited her the first time she was severely dehydrated. I held her cup and straw up to her mouth and she downed like 4 cups of water.

The management was obviously messed up at that place. Me and my brother were sitting there with the woman who was in charge of the place and I mentioned everything I was unhappy with including the cleansiness. And she said that she'd have to talk to mantenance because apparently they had just finished cleaning that section of the building. Needless to say, after that I just sorta kept my mouth shut.

I blamed my dad for the longest time. My mom said my dad would stop her from eating. These days I am starting to believe her. My dad chooses the most inconvenient time to have people do these little side missions for him. Never letting you know his true intentions. Side missions start to stack up and become a two hour project of him constantly hovering and making sure things are done HIS way. Because if it isn't HIS way, its the WRONG way. He may cut into my eating time but hes put into his place the moment its time to feed my daughter. He knows now that my daughter is always first.

Another thing he does that he did to my mom was hound her for money all the time. Truth is, you cant hound someone who's already broke lol. I live my life on a tight budget. The rent I give him every month is all he gets, nothing more. But it does stress on me a lot. Finances are always a constant problem. But its not my problem if its HIS expenses. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

Slowly my dad revealed the monster that my mom spoke of for all these years that I dismissed. But even now I see my dad as the least of my problems despite how annoying it is to live with someone who depends on you cuz no one else is around.

A lot of me is still depressed on the fact that she wasn't around to meet my daughter. And I needed her so much when I was pregnant. But perhaps the mom I had borrowed at that point in time was the better option. What if my mom would have stressed me out more? What if she was just as clueless as I was?  

[Moonlite__Syren]

In Honor of her Death.

 

[Moonlite__Syren]

Her Personality, Likes, and Hobbies.

Favorite Foods: M&Ms, cottage cheese, block of cheddar cheese with olives (black or green), toasted mayo and peanut butter sandwiches (yuck!), fettuccine chicken and broccoli Alfredo, hotdogs and mayo, french fries and mayo, ham and mayo sandwiches, plenty of mayo, lots of salt, kit kats, fish, crab, lobster, chicken, jack daniel's whiskey, store brand vodka.

Most Adored Celebrity: David Dachoveny (completely obsessed with him really)

Other Favorite Actors: Robin Williams, Tea Leoni

Favorite Bands: Good Charlotte, Ramones, Sex Pistols, No Doubt, Monkees

Favorite Colors: Purple and shades of blue, sometimes red

Favorite Animals: Wolves and Seahorses

Personality and Life Style:

My mother was a really bad alcoholic and unfortunately it was the booze that helped push her death. She was also a very spiritual person. For the longest time she followed the Wiccan way. But upon nearing her death she chose a very obscure christian influenced path to redeem herself.

But she always had a fascination with the ocean and punk rock music.

She was certainly a very interesting character to say the least. The only thing that seemed to bother me was she stayed locked up in her room all the time drinking her booze. She had always been a very depressed, inward person. And I remember her constantly lying to my dad over the smallest of things. She was also very mysterious at times. Sometimes she ended up with money and disappearing randomly. She was a very stubborn and hard headed person. Most of the times it was very difficult for me to get along with her on the account of she was always lashing out at people and putting the blame on others. I can only assume she was a very lost, troubled person.

I only hope shes found her way now and comes to terms with the things shes done in her life and accepted it all.  

[Moonlite__Syren]

Special Thanks.  

[tynnk]

To live in the hearts of those who love you

I really don't know what to say. I couldn't imagine how it would be if I would have lost my mother. I'm so gratefull she pulled trough...
I'm not going to say something like 'at least she's not suffering anymore' or ' she's in a better place now', because even tough it's true, it doesn't change the fact that it's unfair and painfull and just...crap. Nothing in the world can make this OK, life should not end this way.
I admire you for putting up this thread in her memory and how you are able to express your feelings so well.
I wish you strenght and the best of luck.

means not to die.

 

[Moonlite__Syren]

tynnk

To live in the hearts of those who love you

I really don't know what to say. I couldn't imagine how it would be if I would have lost my mother. I'm so gratefull she pulled trough...
I'm not going to say something like 'at least she's not suffering anymore' or ' she's in a better place now', because even tough it's true, it doesn't change the fact that it's unfair and painful and just...crap. Nothing in the world can make this OK, life should not end this way.
I admire you for putting up this thread in her memory and how you are able to express your feelings so well.
I wish you strenght and the best of luck.

means not to die.

Thank you for your kind words. I rediscovered the Daffodil Movement last year and joined the guild. Setting this memorial up for her helped me really vent my emotions. I hope to finish it soon.