SOS - First Girlfriend

[Psyzapp]

HELP!!! Oldest Son (13) brought home first girlfriend and my hubby and I haven't discussed or decided on the "house rules" yet for girlfriends!!!! List your best "house rules" for me QUICK!!!!!

Rule #1: OPEN doors at all times.  

[lady ayami chan]

One that I remember is two feet on the floor at all times. one of his and one of hers. i guess that prevents the "horizontal" position from ever occurring. Unless you want to get creative with argument but lets not go there... eek  

[Patron with a Mission]

Well, since it already has happened, set the curfew rules for sure. Let them go out, but let the other parents know this is happening as well, so maybe you can arrange to get to know the other parents as well as her.

Also, don't be too restraining; this will make sneaking out seem appealing. But if you can go and make being supervised appealing, there won't be much need for rules, especially if they can prove they are just hanging out together instead of...yeah...you know...doing things.  

[The Last Chase]

Well, when I was younger it was a rule to keep lights on too, but I don't know if it really even matters anymore. But yeah, I would say give them their space so then they don't feel like you're too overbaring.
My parents were pretty laid back and I was a pretty good kid if I do say so myself lol. I would suggest having her over for dinner and just being open with the fact that he's got a girlfriend.
Also, if you have a basement I would suggest keeping things on the gound floor, it keeps things with in your ear shot.  

[Amarella Harte]

No girlfriends till 16  

[The Last Chase]

Amarella Harte

No girlfriends till 16

Now I think that's a little too harsh, thats bound to push the kid to act out. There's nothing wrong with having a girlfriend in the early teens.  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

When I was younger there was a "No boys allowed upstairs" rule. Boys could come over and visit but they couldn't go upstairs. That left the livingroom, dining room, kitchen, back porch and family rooms available to visit in. It was a very fair rule and the other rule was that all guests had to leave by 8pm.  

[Amarella Harte]

The Last Chase

Amarella Harte

No girlfriends till 16

Now I think that's a little too harsh, thats bound to push the kid to act out. There's nothing wrong with having a girlfriend in the early teens.

Really. And what exactly is he going to DO with a girlfriend at 13, hmm? Besides get tempted to have sex I mean, as that goes with out saying. (You did notice that teen pregnancy ages are dropping did you not? I wonder why that is. My parents growing up (65-68 ) did not even know but one or two people who where allowed to date before 16 or 17 and, they said, 18 wasn't uncommon either. The standing thoughts on the matter was these kids' parents didn't care what happened to them.)

I have a confession, I lied, the rule in our house was no girlfriends till 18. I didn't think anyone would believe me if I said that. I do apologize.

The only reason it was not 21 is because realistically we couldn't enforce that. We did have heart to hearts with our son and explained why it was stupid to date before his last year of college. IT DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO 'ACT OUT' AT ALL! I am NOT proud to say this, as it is exactly what I assumed would happen. Why? Because he's not stupid.

He did have two girlfriends at 18 (he'll be 20 this year). After those experiences, observing what his friends went through with girl/boyfriends and more heart to hearts about what he observed, he came to the conclusion on his own that we were right and has decided to wait till 1. his life is in order and he is prepared for a girlfriend and 2. till he and all the girls out there are done with their finale personality growth stage (this is usually between the ages of, you guessed it, 20 and 21. And yes, this is a medical FACT. You can't know for sure 'who' you're dating till this last growth stage.)

Our daughter(20 this year) was easier because all her friends (now age 19 to 23) had come to the same conclusions before she was wanting to date (late 17 early 18 ) (some because of parents like us, one or two on their own by sheer observation, and some the HARD way). Between our heart to hearts and theirs, again NO ACTING OUT and she also, has chosen to wait.

You know, kids aren't stupid. They do respond to facts, reason, and logic.  

[The Last Chase]

Amarella Harte

The Last Chase

Amarella Harte

No girlfriends till 16

Now I think that's a little too harsh, thats bound to push the kid to act out. There's nothing wrong with having a girlfriend in the early teens.

Really. And what exactly is he going to DO with a girlfriend at 13, hmm? Besides get tempted to have sex I mean, as that goes with out saying. (You did notice that teen pregnancy ages are dropping did you not? I wonder why that is. My parents growing up (65-68 ) did not even know but one or two people who where allowed to date before 16 or 17 and, they said, 18 wasn't uncommon either. The standing thoughts on the matter was these kids' parents didn't care what happened to them.)

I have a confession, I lied, the rule in our house was no girlfriends till 18. I didn't think anyone would believe me if I said that. I do apologize.

The only reason it was not 21 is because realistically we couldn't enforce that. We did have heart to hearts with our son and explained why it was stupid to date before his last year of college. IT DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO 'ACT OUT' AT ALL! I am NOT proud to say this, as it is exactly what I assumed would happen. Why? Because he's not stupid.

He did have two girlfriends at 18 (he'll be 20 this year). After those experiences, observing what his friends went through with girl/boyfriends and more heart to hearts about what he observed, he came to the conclusion on his own that we were right and has decided to wait till 1. his life is in order and he is prepared for a girlfriend and 2. till he and all the girls out there are done with their finale personality growth stage (this is usually between the ages of, you guessed it, 20 and 21. And yes, this is a medical FACT. You can't know for sure 'who' you're dating till this last growth stage.)

Our daughter(20 this year) was easier because all her friends (now age 19 to 23) had come to the same conclusions before she was wanting to date (late 17 early 18 ) (some because of parents like us, one or two on their own by sheer observation, and some the HARD way). Between our heart to hearts and theirs, again NO ACTING OUT and she also, has chosen to wait.

You know, kids aren't stupid. They do respond to facts, reason, and logic.

Wow, no need to get angry. My friend was homeschooled and she never had highschool crushes, she didn't even go to prom, we ended up doing a prom for her twenty-first birthday.
But what I'm getting at is that she's has done far more than I ever did. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do hard drugs and I had every chance to do so. My parents were very easy going with me, they werent my friends, but they were as close as parents can get to that. If you keep people from doing things, they will do them simply because.
Sex is not always on the brain, I think that's overreacting... a lot. I wasn't thinking about sex at that point, I was just happy to hold a guys hand (actually, I was a bit of a tomboy, so me dating guys was me beating them up and the them asking me out.) And you're right, kids aren't stupid, but to asume that they're going to be sex crazed is terrible.
There is nothing wrong with dating at thirteen Psyzapp!!! Nothing! And to Amarella, if sex is on the brain at that point, they will find a way to do it anyway.
As long as you talk to them about where you stand on it, your children will understand.
Amarella, you need to calm down, seriously. If you were my parent I would have run away from home  

[Patron with a Mission]

I didn't date until 18, and even then, it was a school only relationship, as we lived two counties away from each other, and our parents were not aware, and still aren't. My second boyfriend, their parents knew, and they disliked me being there, especially that I was 20 and he was barely turning 18.

Trust me, my first boyfriend [the one I'm currently dating again after two years gap] and I found a way to have sex anyway inside school grounds. Kids get REALLY creative. So, being too restrictive would be too harsh, thus leading, as I said before, to sneak out.

Again, suggesting to you, not only you, but all parents, as a once teen, go ahead and get involved, but not in their face.  

[The Last Chase]

Yeah, it's true. I actually wish my mom would've talked to me about it. It would've made things a little easier.  

[Veddhartha]

Teens react on things very differently. Every one is a case of their own. What works on other might not work on someone else. I too hope that you Amarella would take it easy, but I'm really happy that your child has been smart enough to see beyond the rule you've set.


I'm another half of identical twins. As a teens we both reacted to same rules, to same parenting the opposite ways. We lived literally same life our first 18 years. We were ofter referred as one person. That was one reason to react unconsciously and consciously so differently to same things - we tried to be recognized as two persons, not 'JohannaKristiina'.

I was the one to see reasons for the beginning and I didn't have the wanting or trust enough to any boy to get involved or even want sex until I was 18 and far enough from familiar circles. My sister was the other side around. She rebelled almost against everything and felt that things are always unfair to her (plus that I was being supported more than her). She learned every aspect of dating and growing by the hard way.

We were not saints nor we were the headless idiots either. We both did wrong decisions but I was the one to always think ahead of my actions.

That still affects us. I'm still referred as the 'good twin' and she is the 'bad twin'. And we both hate it, but in a way, we did that to ourselves. She can and is nicer and sweeter than relatives and friends except. And I am more aggressive, more strict than people expect. We are the coin, two faces, same coin.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

While I agree that kids should not date at such young ages, making a rule against it sounds a bit overbearing. It's better to talk to kids about it rather than just flat out restrict it. Children have more intelligence than even you {Amarella} are giving them credit for.

There are kids that just want to say that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend as a status symbol... sex is not even on their mind. Others see it as a way to get to know someone {which is stupid, but not sex driven}, or they just like to hold hands and hug, or they think that if they're hanging out so much with someone of the opposite gender, that means they need to be dating. Of course these are all bad reasons to date, but dating at that age usually means very little and there is also very little involved. "Dating" at that age most of the time means you hang out more with someone and hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes. There's a huge difference between adult dating and young teen dating and that's something you should keep in mind.

Dating also does not always lead to sex, nor does it always lead to the temptation. Similarly, restricting when someone can date does not mean they won't have sex.

My parents didn't have a restriction on what age I was allowed to date and despite it I still didn't really "date" someone until I was 22 as I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask someone out {especially since the first time I asked someone out, they laughed and made fun of me thus instilling the fear of being horribly turned down again}. However, I had sex for the first time when I was 16 with a friend of mine and never told my parents. When I say friend, I seriously mean friend. We did not hold hands or do all that "dating" stuff... we were just friends that happened to decide to have sex one day. I realize now that it wasn't the brightest move as my friend then felt too awkward around me to remain my friend, but my life has not been permanently ruined because of it either.

As Veddhartha stated, teens will react differently to rules and so you have to make them on a case by case basis. If a 13 year old already has a girlfriend and then you tell them "no girlfriends until 16, you have to break up", chances are they will not respond favorably, not even if you explain to them why you want this rule in place. It is like if a child spent his allowance on candy and then you took it away and said "no candy" is a rule. If you don't want your kids having sex at early ages, then have a talk with them about it so they can make informed decisions.

As you {Amarella} stated, your children realized that dating at younger ages was not a good idea from you talking to them about it so the conclusion should be to talk to your children about it rather than forbid them to do it. While kids/teens do not always make the best decisions for themselves, they do tend to have basic understanding and comprehension skills. If they realize that dating and sex have responsibilities they are not ready for, then they will choose to not do those things on their own without you restricting them from it.

Sometimes the more you forbid something, the more tempting it becomes. It's the "forbidden fruit" concept.  

[Wixandrettas]

Sorry - the age of 13 - they THINK they consider it going out but, its more like hanging out..

My daughter is about to hit 16 and she knows what the house rules are:

Adults MUST be home at all times, regardless if its her friends or a potential boyfriend.

NO BOYS ARE ALLOWED TO GO IN THE BEDROOMS - whether the doors are open OR closed. Ariel has a few guy-friends that she likes to visit and their parents have an understanding and a common ground with me when it comes to that topic - thankfully they have an entertainment room that has no doors... anyone can walk in at any time... but there is no reason for a boy and a girl at any teen-age to be in a bedroom whatsoever.

I dont think parents do enough today - 13 is too young - they should be doing homework, having fun with their friends, sleepovers, etc...

Ive been in the medical field for almost 14 years now, and the youngest patient I had that was knocked up was 12 years old... the doctor who oversaw her care knew of the family environment, had countless interventions with the parents telling them about their daughters inability to control herself and that she needs guidance and supervision.. kids need boundaries at all ages, they get adjusted as they get older... but the parents, coming to find out, thought so long as their daughter and the boyfriend were having sex under their roof, at least they were safe...

Well... Mom lost her daughter because in the State of NH, she got hit with several charges, one of which included child-endangerment... The Mom tried to start s**t at the office, and we had to have her removed because she was considered a safety issue with the other parents and kids in the waiting room... the Physician took Mom, along with a police escort to a supervisory room to inform her that she was warned too many times about the health and welfare of the child and chose to ignore the warnings that their daughter was displaying..

Now - dont get me wrong, Im not saying that is the case here - but... THAT was a 12 year old GIRL... To this day, I dont know if she kept the baby or not, but, I know the girl was a permanent part of the system, and underwent some serious counseling.

13 years of age today: these kids have way too much leg room and too much influence.

13 years of age about 20-25 years ago: this was not a common thing - 13 year olds were still getting dirty, playing outside with their friends, active in extra curricular activities, etc...

In the past 20-25 years, I have seen things getting worse.. Telling your 13 yr old that having a 'girlfriend' is NOT wrong and that is ok, brings serious doubt to my mind completely.

My daughter at almost the age of 16, knows that was my rule - no dating until the age of 16 with a 10:30pm curfew - no later. She wants nothing to do with a boyfriend simply due to the reason that the guys in her High School have said nothing but 'how good are you in bed?" and a few other sex-related banter... she had to nail one in the groin with a swift kick because he tried to grab her breasts...

Start early with your children about what is acceptable and what isnt... Im telling you, it does make a difference.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

Ah, my parents had the no bedroom rule {I think} because there really is no reason to go into the bedroom. I didn't have a girlfriend so I forgot most of the rules, but my sister would bring boyfriends home. I believe another rule was we had to be home by 8:00pm... 10:30pm seems kind of late as we were often sent to bed at 10:00pm except on weekends, but we still had to be home by 8. No one was allowed over until the afternoon as well unless special permission was given beforehand.

I'm not saying to let kids go on believing that dating at 13 is okay, but I don't think it's good to just forbid it either. It's good to teach teens why it's a bad idea instead of just say that they can't do it as some would find the idea more tempting if it was forbidden than they would if they knew the consequences.