Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hey, welcome to my journal :3
Like I said, you can go ahead and post if you like. All this is going to be is (another) place for me to vent and rant and stuff, blow off some steam, try and sort stuff out through the written word.
Basically whatever's going through my head at the moment. Mostly revolving around my higher education, trouble with people, my failure of a love life, my video gaming addictions, etc.
It's wordy.

And you should also know that I use some foul language, particularly on page 3. Just so you're aptly warned.

Btw: title taken from 'Good to You' by Marianas Trench :3 Love that song~

i read most of it before my eyes started burning with all the small pink print jumping off my comp screen. *rubs eyes* lol.

yaaaay e-cookiez! whee hehe.

lol, Avatar in 3D? i saw that... great movie xD
you guys ended up sitting together? even betterrrr! mrgreen lol jk...but seriously. blaugh aaaah, front row? that sucks, haha.

yeah, i can relate to the whole (as you put it) "liking-a-guy-I-can-actually-talk-to thing". it's happening to me right now too, lol. except he's totally aware that i like him, and he likes me as well... buuuuut i can't date so it's kinda sad, lol.

anywaaay, getting off-topic... yeah, this guy sounds awesome! for you, anyway. sweatdrop xD okay, let's forget i said that, shall we? rofl

blue's a nice friendly color. SBQ likez. 3nodding hehe.

every time you go to a movie? lol. coincidence? i think not! wink
yep, front row, haha. i've been in the fifth (or something) row before. and even THAT made my neck malfunction. xD

i KNOW it sucks!! yep, there's no way i can get around it. my parents don't like him either, lol. it's VERY upsetting. but then again, i'm a few years younger than you (YES, i went to your profile... aagh, more pink. burning_eyes ) so i figure there'll be plenty of guys out there. eventually, anyway. *sigh*

i hope things work out for you too. 3nodding your entries make me feel quite sorry for you, especially that last one. not about the guy, you're lucky to have a friend like him. but i just hate being confused about how guys feel about me as well. grrrr. lol.

Prom Dress Shopping Should Be Outlawed

So... you probably don't know this about me, but I'm in love, like, completely in love with dresses. Any kind, any style, shape, design, colour, material, anything. I love me some good dresses. And so I've been looking forward to shopping for my prom dress since I was little. I've had thousands of different visions of what I'd wear. And today was the first shopping day. And... I've done a complete 180 on the subject. I HATE prom dress shopping, it's uselessly pointless, makes me feel 110% like s**t, and should be outlawed. I'm a little miffed that something I've been dying to experience since like, pretty much forever is ruined in a single afternoon (not to mention that my friend and I stayed up last night until 4:30 when she came over, and getting up when my mom got home at 9, so I was hella-tired, quite cranky, and generally unhappy about life, + extreme building stress from Hell Week, exam week following that, and life in general (I'll explain later).)

Anyway... so we go into this fancy wedding boutique that I've drooled in the windows of for years now. I've been dyyyyying to go inside for so long. And inside was spectacular. So many gorgeous dresses!! But the problem came with sizes. All of their samples were like, size 10. And I'm totally not a size 10. I'm around a size 16, but according to the dresses themselves and how they're built, I'm actually a 20...? The first dress I found that I fell in love with was so unique, it was grey pinstripe with a ruffled bust, and a trumpet skirt that was divided by a long black ribbon, and another ribbon around the middle, if I remember correctly. And it was discontinued, so they couldn't get sizes in it. I was a little devastated, but I moved on. I put on this one gown that they did have in an 18, it was dark blue and very gorgeous, though a little plain for my tastes. And when I put it on, it was like... absolutely gorgeous. Except that it wouldn't do up. And that was it for samples that I could try on. I loved these two poofy ones, a tealy-green with lots of extravagant beading, and one with a purple-black printed bodice with a v-notch out of the neckline and a big black poofy tulle skirt. And... I didn't fall in love with either of them. I could live with either, live quite happily going to my grad dinner-dance in one of those, but... they're not really me. They're not 'the dress'.

And the lady measured me, with me in just my underclothes, and I was just... disgusted at myself. I feel atrocious now. I mean, yeah, I know I'm not skinny or anything, I'm not pretty like that, I've been fat since I was little and battling it the whole way. But still... I felt so gross, staring at myself nearly naked in the mirror as this woman wrapped this measuring tape around all my imperfections and wrote down big numbers, probably multiples of her own. (I'm in one of those 'I hate myself' moods =.=;; )

Then mom dropped me off at another shop and left me to fend off this extremely slow old lady who worked there. I found that I love the shape gathered/ pick-up/ ruched skirts give me. Long and elegant and slim, compared to just like... poof! But all the bodices were boring or plain or ugly, so I probably won't go back there. They had little selection, though lots of samples in big sizes (again none that fully did up, but still, an improvement.)

And tomorrow mom wants to go looking in two more shops, and at first I did, too, but now I just... don't feel like subjecting myself to that. Not two days in a row. Well... that, and the fact that he (the he of above posts) asked me if I wanted to hang out with him. And I really want to. After I finished at the shop my mom left me to my own devices at (she went to go for a big walk with her boyfriend, and basically said I'll come back for you at five) I couldn't find any of the other bridal shops I was looking for, I was stuck downtown with an iPod touch that would NOT connect me to ANY Wifi so I could contact someone, anyone, (hopefully him) to hang out with, and no cell phone, and hours to burn, and on top of being grouchy and angry and tired... yeah. XD It was an ugly afternoon. I /stormed/ around the city. I did nothing meekly. Lol.

So now, after thinking about him all afternoon and dying to see him because I had the chance yet not the means (including ideas of calling every single one of my friends whose numbers I had on the payphone until somebody gave me his number, and also being totally creepy and just showing up at his house. I don't think that would fly. We're awesome friends and I've been to his house before, but I don't think we're the 'I'm randomly going to show up on your doorstep' kind of friends yet.) I'm just kind of really anxious and desperate to see him. So hopefully I can convince my mom of a change of plans. I think I'm just gonna be honest with her-- I want to hang out with him rather than shop for dresses. She'll probably make it awkward, but still. She can go hang out with her boyfriend.

Next week is Hell Week. And saying next week makes it sound like it's far away. I'm deluding myself. Hell Week starts Monday. My week goes:
Monday: Chem test, English project to work on, Math test, Comp. Civ test.
Tuesday: Chem review, English project to work on, Math review, whatever else in comp civ.
Wedn: Review, last day to finish that project (a children's book, fully illustrated and coloured and everything, collaborative with another person, so it's difficult to swing that in Hell Week of all times.), Review, Review hopefully.
Thurs: CHEM FINAL. Giving the children's books to the kids we wrote them for. MATH FINAL. dying (review)
Friday: death. Review. English paper absolutely due today or else certain death via mom. And hopefully hanging out with some great people, and perhaps having a few rounds of Halo at my friend's place. I'll want to blow s**t up after that week. (Like we did this Friday... XDD I'll talk about that in a moment.)

Then Exam week is just... messed up. I'm actually going in the Sunday before exam week to do another optional final. That's how freaked out I am about these exams. And yet... I'm sitting here procrastinating. :/ I just can't help it. Every fibre in my body is fighting against me being productive.
Anyway, Exam week... The gov. decided to be dumb and squish ALL our provincials into ONE week this year, just to be royal asshats. And we have two exams per day during that week: morning and afternoon, 9-11 with an additional hour if needed, and then 1-3, with an additional hour. My problem is that because I have to rely on my mom for rides since we moved, I'm going to be showing up for my exams somewhere around 7:45 or 8 am, and not getting to leave until 4:30 or 5 pm. Which... yeah. I'd like to say that that's not gonna fly with me, but I really have no choice whatsoever in the matter. And I only get Thursday off that week, where I have NO EXAMS/ PROVINCIALS/ FINALS ETC. WHATSOEVER. I'm so pumped. Except then I have the Chem 12 Provincial the next day, and yeah. I'm panicking. I need to get 86% or better on three of the uhh... six? provincials I'm going to take this year, because then I get an automatic $1000 scholarship. And I need the money. Scholarships are another thing I have neglected and procrastinated on... s**t.

I'm such a mess.

Ahhh... what else did I say I was going to talk about? *scroll back* Oh, right. Life in general... basically mom's being pushy and insists we get moved into our new house ASAP, despite that we can't even move in until my grandmas get back from their international gallivanting so we can give them their goddamn dog back and finally be independent. So yeah... that won't be until like February, so it doesn't necessarily fall high on my priorities list as of right now. I need to vacuum out my room and touch up my (purple!) baseboards and stuff, and get moved in so I can find the things I'm missing (camera cord, etc.) but otherwise I could care less. I'm just trying to survive the next two weeks.

Oh, also: there's this thing, Grad Fashion Show. Every year, basically people from the grad class go around to different stores and model their clothes at this show, and we make money that we can then put toward our grad dinner-dance (our prom thinger) and it turns out to be a really fancy do. I've been dying to do it. I think if I was nice and skinny I'd be a fabulous model. I love clothes. But now I'm starting to freak out because I keep having nagging doubts that I'm not going to fit into ANYTHING that they give me to model (we have two casual outfits and one formal gown) and I don't think I can handle that. My friend and I had to find a guy, so I begged him to join our group, after he'd already said no, and turned down our friends in another group (since the max. girls can be 3 per group, there must be one guy, and we were four chicks.) It was surprisingly easy. And... well, I bribed him with a jacket. There's this hot-as-all-hell faux-leather jacket at Le Chateau Men's that he tried on one time we were shopping, it was just a little rough-looking, just a little borderline-goth, and I seriously melted when he put it on (and we got the straps around the neck done up, XD) It was heinously sexy. Stuff like that shouldn't be allowed to exist. It was like... $200 or $300? ... >.>;; But really it's worth it to me. I benefit from it, too. XD! Not just him being in our group for the show. Lol.
But I guess if I decide to pull out of the show, then it's all for naught? I just... I'm scared. I'm scared that they won't be able to find me an outfit and then our group won't work and they'll have to be pulled out, too. And I've been looking forward to it for so long. But still, I'm terrified.

Oh, and Halo. XDDD Riiiiight.
So Friday we (he, and two of my best friends, both females, one aware of how I feel for him, and one pretty much his best friend and not aware) all went over to my bff's house (the one who is aware, XD I'll call her my bff) to play some Halo because I needed something to do, and he had a shitty week so I figured it might be therapeutic to shoot up some s**t. XD It always makes me feel better. So we get there, make and eat cookie dough (lol, tradition), then head upstairs to her room. I get there first and sit on one side of her bottom bunk, and then he claims the other half instantly. The other two girls end up sitting on the floor. And we played... I got pwned... etc. And then whenever he killed me I'd get pissed and reach over and grab his sides, because he's really ticklish, to distract him... XD So we ended up having a couple huge tickle fights, and it was like... the other two on the floor didn't notice D: It was probably really obvious, but... gah. Definitely worth it. I love seeing him smile like that, that sincere smile when he's having fun (occasionally when I'm torturing him). XP Yay sappiness. I had so much fun with all of them, I freakin' love them.
And I think I'm probably just going to forefeit and tell him on Monday, because anything off my chest that might help me sleep better at night during the next two weeks is definitely appreciated. And yeah... I lose a lot of sleep over him and over that.


WOW this is long. XP




Responses! 8D

XP I like the blue, too~
Awww, what?! That sucks DDDD: Yeah, that's a good way to look at it, optimistic (lol, irony~) But still, for now, it kinda' blows D:
Lol, sorry. XD I love that colour, for some reason. I used to hate pink DDD: I used to be a sane, non-obsessing-about-boys person. D: Now look what's happened!
XP Yeah, it's a miserable situation, but I think I'm right and I'm just gonna have to take a leap.

XDDDD I was really bad at overanalyzing my old crush. It was practically my profession. It was kind of unfortunate, because I missed out on getting to know the friends I have now better because I was so freaking obsessed with this guy, with hopefully catching him on the bus home and maybe getting to talk to him... for three years. It was just pathetic. So glad it's over with =.=;;
Aww! XP That's not very nice of them D:
XD Yes! My high patheticness quotient is laughable. But... he's seriously... gaaahhhh shut up Vivi. XP
Lol! Haha, I'm overanalyzing again. But still~ I take as many opportunities for hugs as I can get n.n;; And my bff has now taken to giving me these meaningful glances and smiles whenever we walk away from him, and I'm like STFU I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!! XP She's been there to witness every one of my displays of patheticness in all matters of boys, but now she's constantly bugging me about him. XP
I know!! XP He's such a sweetie, it's insane. XD
XD He's pretty huggy, or at least he's forced to be around us. XP Yeah. Not going to think about it. (Although... Friday, I was hugging him at one point, and I went to pull away and he held on. XDD! It made me far too happy than is good for me. xD) Yeah, the insidious monster's always poking at every area of my life =.=;;; I wish he'd leave alreadyyyy.
Yeah... it's hard to decide D: But I really really feel like it's something I have to do n.n;; So I think I will. Plans be damned. I'm quite sure that we're good enough friends that it won't get in the way of things. (Lol, I say that now, but Monday I'll be like, flipping out and will chicken out... and yeah. XP)
XDD It's like... our theme song. That or Alejandro. XP
Thanks, darling <3 It's nice to have some feedback every now and again n.n;;;
Also, thanks for putting up with all my patheticness. XDD! <3

I don't think we're the 'I'm randomly going to show up on your doorstep' kind of friends yet.

Ahaha, I'm never gonna be that kind of friend for ___. crying

Next week is Hell Week. And saying next week makes it sound like it's far away. I'm deluding myself.

Ooh. Sounds pretty torturous. How's it going? :/

The gov. decided to be dumb and squish ALL our provincials into ONE week this year, just to be royal asshats. And we have two exams per day during that week: morning and afternoon, 9-11 with an additional hour if needed, and then 1-3, with an additional hour.

Aah, that sucks. I have state tests in a few months, but that's about it. sweatdrop I truly pity you. o.O

And then whenever he killed me I'd get pissed and reach over and grab his sides, because he's really ticklish, to distract him... XD So we ended up having a couple huge tickle fights, and it was like... the other two on the floor didn't notice D: It was probably really obvious, but... gah. Definitely worth it. I love seeing him smile like that, that sincere smile when he's having fun (occasionally when I'm torturing him). XP

Awesomeness! Lollll.

---
YAAY! RESPONSES TO RESPONSES! mrgreen

I used to be a sane, non-obsessing-about-boys person. D: Now look what's happened!

Ugh, same HERE! I swore to myself a few years back that I'd never waste my time with a guy... I've gone way past that level now. LOL.

XDDDD I was really bad at overanalyzing my old crush. It was practically my profession. It was kind of unfortunate, because I missed out on getting to know the friends I have now better because I was so freaking obsessed with this guy, with hopefully catching him on the bus home and maybe getting to talk to him... for three years. It was just pathetic. So glad it's over with =.=;;

Three years? My God, you're HORRIBLE! XD

Aww! XP That's not very nice of them D:

Yeaaaah, it's starting to get on our nerves. Lol.
Just today, a guy randomly came up to us and started listing the stuff we had in common (it was mostly appearance-wise. I mean, really now?). and me and ___ just kept glancing at each other with looks that said, "Okay, how the hell do we get out of this?" LOL. And then when the guy asked us if we had had our first kiss yet ( gonk ), I was like, "OKAY that's enough," and walked away. Without ___, mind you. But anything to get away from that kind of torture, I suppose. Lol.

Lol! Haha, I'm overanalyzing again. But still~ I take as many opportunities for hugs as I can get n.n;; And my bff has now taken to giving me these meaningful glances and smiles whenever we walk away from him, and I'm like STFU I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!! XP She's been there to witness every one of my displays of patheticness in all matters of boys, but now she's constantly bugging me about him. XP
I know!! XP He's such a sweetie, it's insane. XD

Aaaah! My friends do that too now, oh my God. Except you get meaningful glances and smiles. I get, "HEY ___! SAY HI TO OPTIMISTIC!!!!" or vice versa. Aagghh. It's even gone so far as to one of my friends talking about double dating... and then today she started joking about a double wedding. I nearly threw up my lunch. eek

(Although... Friday, I was hugging him at one point, and I went to pull away and he held on. XDD! It made me far too happy than is good for me. xD)

WHAT?!
CONGRATULATIONS!! *high-fives* Lol.
*serious tone* This is your first step to success.
razz

Yeah, the insidious monster's always poking at every area of my life =.=;;; I wish he'd leave alreadyyyy.

I don't think it ever will... *sigh* crying

But I really really feel like it's something I have to do n.n;; So I think I will. Plans be damned. I'm quite sure that we're good enough friends that it won't get in the way of things. (Lol, I say that now, but Monday I'll be like, flipping out and will chicken out... and yeah. XP)

Yeaaah, putting off stuff is a way of life, I guess. LOL. I do it all the time, don't worry about it. XP

XDD It's like... our theme song. That or Alejandro. XP

GAAAH! I'm totally obsessed with 'Alejandro'. Lady Gaga rules, I'm tellin' ya. XD

Thanks, darling <3 It's nice to have some feedback every now and again n.n;;;
Also, thanks for putting up with all my patheticness. XDD! <3

Ahh, don't WORRY about it - In some ways, I'm WAAAY more pathetic than you are. *cringe*

Swallowed by Yoshi and spat out into a canyon

Ohhhhh myyyyy godddd.
This was one of the best weekends in all of eternity.
So, I'd been planning this for weeks now, this epic sushi party. Originally, I was going to have the aforementioned /him/ and two of my female friends all coming over on the same day to make sushi and then have them stay over for two nights. But usually none of the plans I make work out exactly as such, so instead I had him and one of the girls, Taylor, stay over the first night. We three, my mom, her boyfriend, and his daughter all spent about four hours making sushi and various other types of Japanese foods. It was so awesome! The only bad thing was that I felt like I might have been flirting with him just a bit too much, both a) in front of my mom, and now that everyone's gone I'm really really surprised she hasn't said anything about it yet, and b) Taylor is like, his absolute best friend. And I'm afraid of upsetting her or making her angry. But even despite all that, it was so much fun! He's such a sweetie, so not fair! D: I'm powerless against him!
But anyway... we did our grand cooking fiasco and made it out alive, and after finally finishing the clean-up by 10:30, we all went downstairs to play Wii with the adults, we played Rock Band 2 and the new Mario bros. game. But I wanted to check my Facebook so the three of us got distracted and got on the computer, and then he stole the keyboard and kept updating my statuses so I had to fight him off when he tried to write 'badass' on one of my friends' walls, (uhh... a girl I'd kinda accidentally stood up earlier that day for going out to coffee. I was supposed to call her, but I was stressing about my chem exam that afternoon and completely forgot!) and thus we began an epic tickle war between the three of us. He is extremely ticklish, so whenever I get the opportunity, I'll grab his sides and make him freak out when he's not expecting it. So the three of us started that on my bed (which I had just made nicely the night before, and now it's completely ripped apart... D: ) and us girls ganged up on him, of course, then we took a break to catch our breaths and he does that cute thing he always does where he kinda curls up next to me and puts his head on my shoulder n.n;; Then we decided that we should probably go and join the Rock Band, and we did, then we played the new Mario game for a while, and then mom's boyfriend and his daughter left close to two AM, and mom went to bed, so we stayed up playing Rock Band until we couldn't really hold a beat anymore and decided to get into pajamas, so around four we decided to start playing Risk. And we didn't have the energy to play by the official rules (I'd been up since 6:30 am XD), so we just kinda' made it up as we went along (and I got decimated! XP The first time, he had his first turn, then it was my turn, and then Taylor defeated me completely on her first turn. XD! Then the second game, Taylor was the first to be beaten, then he was quickly gaining on my territories and instead of doing the decent, humane thing, he gave me a fighting chance that I botched and drug out my utter defeat for far too long. XP And when I lost, he patted me on the head! XD! It was weird!) Then around 5 we decided to watch Hitchhiker's Guide, but Taylor was already asleep, and two commercials in I was starting to drift, and he was sound asleep, so I turned it off. XP
Five hours later, we slowly slowly woke up, because Taylor's mom was coming at 11, (I don't think I actually got out of 'bed' [I slept on the floor] until she had left, I was so dead D: ) A little bit after she left, the two of us wandered upstairs to make breakfast, we ended up making the best pancakes, with chocolate chips and blueberries. xD I freaking love cooking with him. He says he doesn't like cooking with other people, but we did just fine, he didn't have any complaints. XP I would kill for mornings like that. That would actually make me want to get up in the morning, just to be with someone sweet and cute and funny and make pancakes and talk quietly and exchange small touches that make my heart melt and kind of say 'I'm thinking about you'.
So we shared the first pancake and cooked up the rest and ate them with my mom (slightly awkward, not going to lie), then had showers and got ready and stuff, and we made him help us move some stuff to our new house. XP Since my mom had to fold the back seats down, I actually sat in the back of the CR-V when we transported my (thankfully L-shaped) desk and freaked people out through the back windows. xD! But it was so much easier with a third person to help n.n;;
Then mom took us downtown for an hour (lol fail) and we bummed around the mall, just wasting time, talking, like we usually do. Then we got a ride back home, and my friend had just arrived before us, and mom's friend was waiting, too. So we all went in and started preparing the sushi stuff, and the three of us, he, Alix and I, sat on the big island in the kitchen and talked and ate white rabbits (they're delicious candies. XP) After more sushi rolling since Alix couldn't attend Friday, we got off cleaning duty and got to run downstairs to play Wii (but got distracted again by Facebook) and ended up having another tickle fight, this one more involved because Alix has no mercy for either me or him. XP! After everyone checked Facebook and the tickle war subsided, we played Wii the rest of the night, mostly Rock Band, he finally got his parents on the phone since he'd been trying all night, and since he hadn't asked if he could stay over the second night, his mom came and got him and it was upsetting. XP But Alix was still there so we played lots of Rock Band, then attempting to get all the special coins in each level of Mario until 2, then I fell asleep ten minutes into a movie. xD This morning, we made awesome pancakes with cinnamon and apple (I hate to admit that they were better than the chocolate-blueberry pancakes) and watched a movie until her mom came to pick her up. From there, the epicness dissipated. But I had such a great time, even if I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I'd have liked to.
I can't even put into words how awesome it was, when we'd finish a game of something or other and I'd look up and he'd be there, smiling at me, or just hearing his laugh at supper, or just... being with him in general, being with him in the still silent moments where absolutely nothing needs to be said because it's a mutual comprehension. Ugh. I loved it so much, I never wanted it to end. I wish I could just... be with him.
I'm thinking I should take a chance. Because I'm pretty sure that he might feel the same. Well... I think... I don't know. D: I'm afraid because I don't know for sure and I don't want to be wrong, but at the same time I think I'm right just by the way he treats me just a little bit different than everyone else, even his best friend, and I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone before, even the dreadful three-year crush. I'm crazy about him in every way. I'm attracted to him for his personality, for his wit and his attitude, for his humour and for everything that just makes him who he is, but I'm also attracted to his body, his face, his great smile, his amazing, beautiful, elegant hands that I love to touch, all the little nitty-gritty features of him. XP And it's weird-- I never really notice a guy physically until I notice his personality. XD I didn't notice his physical features until I knew him as a friend, as more.
God. I think I need to do it, because it's just driving me insane.



Responses! 8D
Ahh, well, don't let that discourage you! D: I don't want to scare you away from prom dress shopping. I was just being bitter. XD Prom dress shopping is really fun when you get to the right place. My issues were that I went to a crappy boutique, it was a busy Saturday because of the big bridal show that weekend, all the brides were there and it was way too stressed. But where I actually bought my gown, we were the only ones in the store, and the woman had all the time in the world to help me, (even though the first dress she pulled was perfect. XD) and it was just a much better experience. xP

XP! Yeah, I hate when that happens! It's ridiculous D:

XDDD Aww! Well, I don't think I will be that kind of friend, either, so don't worry. XP

XD Hell Week went okay, I procrastinated a lot, but everything's done now. XP And all my exams are done and over and I've washed my hands of last semester. It was a train wreck ._.;; Tomorrow I start with all new classes, start fresh~

XDDDD! OMG. Same! When I was younger, I was like, phhht! I don't need a man to make me happy! And now I'm like, PLEASE! I need you! Have me! D:
I did the same thing with makeup. xD! I don't do it religiously or anything, but if I have time in the morning, I rather enjoy doing it. I didn't do it for Hell Week or exam week, though, couldn't muster the effort. And I get frustrated and rub my eyes in exams... so that wouldn't work. xP

HAHA. Yes, three years. I am horrible! XD It was just an obsession, I think. And I'd started to feel less and less about him over the summer, but I was just in denial that I didn't really care about him anymore. XP

DDDD: Wooow! I'd have bolted like, shortly after he started the comparisons. xD I don't like people trying to set me up. XP

Ohhh! That's terrible! XP I laughed a bit about the double wedding! XD So tacky! lol Ah, just ignore them :3 Or smack them. I find the latter works best. XD
I actually went on a double-date (if you could call it that) with him and my friend and this guy we found at the fudge shop. All I can say... it was awkward as hell D: He was a nice guy... until he opened his mouth o_o;;
Though me and my 'date' had a decently good time. xD

xPPP I wish!! Ugh, what I'd give to be successful in this pursuit... D:


Hahah! I dunno... I can be pretty pathetic... lol~


Onigetoe:: Ahh... what? D:
I agree with you, though; it totally isn't the place for the guy to be bitching. If it's ruining his life, what does he think it's doing to the poor girl's life?
Guys like that need to start thinking with their northernmost head instead :/

Wrecked; Bruised - warning, effing long

These past few days have been extremely difficult.
Monday, I had an appointment with a dermatologist and got some hard news to swallow and got into a fight with my mom. This is what I wrote in a thread in the LI subforum here in the guild about it (and some other stuff):

Ugh, so my mom dragged me to this stupid uhh... what's the word... skin doctor guy. You know. Anyway, so we went there to get this big mole on the side of my neck checked out, because she was scared it was cancerous somehow, and she just lost her boyfriend, my stepfather, to cancer. He looked at it and poked at it, and said it was the beginning of diabetes. And I wasn't really surprised, because my dad has it pretty badly. And I mean, I'm not skinny, I'm definitely overweight, but I try to take care of myself. I eat the least junk food of anyone I know, get out when I can, I do my best to keep up with life and senior year and all my priorities and stuff, but after such a stressful, traumatic summer and hellish first semester, some things like my health get left a little behind. But what pissed me off most was the stupid dumb-a** doctor, who was probably pushing seventy-five or more with a pot-belly and the most atrocious voice I've ever heard. The way he talked to me, he acted like I was a complete and utter moron, which I'm not, I've done extensive research on weight loss and metabolism and how the body works and processes food and whatnot. He spoke to me like I was an obese little kid who couldn't go ten minutes without shoving something in my face. And in fact, I don't eat a lot. Usually I don't have time for breakfast, I rarely have time to grab a lunch, and suppers are pretty decent. My eating habits are sporadic, and I'll only really overeat if I'm depressed, I eat emotionally. And, ********, I lost my stepdad over the summer, so yeah, there has been a lot of bingeing, do you blame me?
That's okay, douchebag. It's not like I needed that chunk of self-esteem, anyway. It's not like it was that one Jenga piece that holds the whole structure together, no. It's not like now it's all I can do to make myself go to school and face people and think that this is what they're thinking of me, that I'm some obese waste-of-space ******** who can't stop eating and doesn't care about herself or her body. It's not like any previous insecurity issues I had were monumentally multiplied or anything, no, why would you even think such a thing?
But like, I'm not all that upset about the actual pseudo-diagnosis anymore. I mean, it's probably for the best that I'm aware that it could easily happen if I don't smarten up, and yes, I've been dying to lose weight and this is going to motivate me quite easily. But it's the fact that he made me feel like such a worthless piece of s**t. Like I'm some pathetic human being who's a slave to junk food- he implied that when we go grocery shopping, we buy tons of junk food. We shop well, thank you VERY ******** much- when in reality I've just ******** up my metabolism for so long, been eating my feelings, and don't get out very much lately in my grad year/ since we moved way out here in the middle of nowhere.
So of course, when we went home, my mom kept pushing me and pushing me, pestering me with questions when I just wanted to be goddamn left alone. I was pretty upset, practically felt like my life was going to end, but she kept bothering me about what I was going to do, if she wanted to join me up to some dumbshit diet place that doesn't work, she went out and bought all sorts of cookbooks (and on top of having six hours of sleep, my patience for her and her irritating dialogue was short) and above everything was this sense of superiority. As though she herself is not fat and hasn't been chuffing down more food and more junk than I have. As though she doesn't stand in the kitchen and stuff her face all night. And I mean... I do resent her a little. How the hell does she get off so easy? Why does she get all the 'good' genes, and I get the shitty ones from my dad? I have his height, his disgusting, football player shoulders which are not flattering for a girl, his huge bone structure, which doesn't help the looking-fat-issue, I have his gross smile and his huge feet (another disadvantage as I AM FEMALE) and his hands and his everything and it just disgusts me to even look at myself in the mirror and have to see him. I resent him for leaving and never being there for all the moments in my life that were important for me. I hate having to see him in myself and having to hate myself because half of what I am doesn't even deserve to live, to take up valuable space and oxygen and resources on this planet. And I resent my mom for getting knocked up by him during her second year of uni, so that now we just finally managed to move out of our trailer and get an actual, legit place to live, and only because her boyfriend died and left everything to us. I resent her for giving me all this s**t to deal with, all this agony to endure, hating myself every day, getting so so frustrated and ticked and so fed up with hating myself that my mind can't fight off thoughts of self-destruction anymore. I've never been more tempted to just... take something sharp and drive it into my skin, just to see what it would be like, just to satisfy some sick curiosity and just to have some way of hurting her through hurting me. In a way I'm almost tempted to make all the same mistakes she made, just to hurt her, just to kill her inside. But I think I respect myself too much.
I just hate her for dragging me through this hell with her, I hate her for having me, for putting me through poverty, through loss and pain and sorrow like I've never known before, for having to hate myself every day and never being able to just appreciate me, because he's always there and always a reminder that your mother screwed some low-life asshat who doesn't deserve to be and made you. Better luck next time.
And she actually said, at one point, when I told her I hated that she'd screwed him, she actually said 'Well at least I can get screwed!' I was like, what the ********, mom? I'm seventeen. That's not a big interest of mine. I'm waiting for the right guy to come along. I should have said 'at least I'm not a whore.'
I want some small scrap of my own freedom back. I can't get anywhere, I'm stuck out here in the middle of ******** nowhere with no transportation until March because she couldn't be bothered to take me to get my damn driver's license until a full year later, and any and all bus stops either are close and come every ultra-inconvenient hour and a half, or stops are located very very far away. I'm having to live my life around her schedule, I'm missing out on the best years of my life because she decided that it was best to move out to the middle of nowhere, to force over an hour of commuting every day so that I can get to school before even the teachers are there, and give me just enough time after school to wish I had something to do, but not quite enough time to actually let me do something I want to do in that time. I just want to be able to... go. To enjoy my senior year, the last years of my teenagehood and my freedom and my youth, I just want to go and hang out with friends and be happy and not have to worry.
I want to chase after him relentlessly until he's mine, I want to go to his place and see him, I want to see him all the time, I want to travel the world with him, I want to be with him, in the warmth of his wonderful personality and his inner light, I want to be the only one his amazing laughs are for, I want to lie awake with him all night, just talking, like we're so good at, talking about everything that we understand each other so completely on, and I want to do this and know that no matter what I say, he'll understand completely, because I know he does, he always does; I want to know all the details of him, physically and mentally, intimately, I want to lie beside him and caress his hands and examine them, I want them to be mine and I want them to be the hands that help me when I fall down and the hands that I can hold and treasure and love when he's going through a difficult part. I want to have him to lean on, to support me so I'm not just going at it completely alone, and I want to be there for him for everything and anything, like I have been, but more, I want to be the only one he needs, I want to be the one he tells everything to, I want to be the one who'll fight for him. I want to steal small kisses from his gorgeous lips when he's not expecting it, I want him to be my first everything. Even now, even just as friends, I'd be willing to give him all my firsts. I want him to be my first kiss, my first hands held (at seventeen, fail), I want him to take my virginity and I want to take his, I want him to be the one I'll marry, because he's the one that makes me feel complete, whole, bright, perfect, found, and so entirely happy. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. And yeah, life will probably change and it won't end how I want it to, but still, he understands me so completely, he's my source of strength and light and the best thing that's happened to me in what feels like forever.
When my mom and I had this big epic car-fight, that's all I could think of, that I wanted to just, go, just go away and run to him, because he'd make it all better. It doesn't matter what I'm going through, all he has to do is be there and smile that gorgeous smile at me, and everything seems right again. I just want him so badly, in every way, but I'm so scared that I'm not good enough, terrified that I'm completely wrong and that he doesn't think of me like that, at all, despite flirting with me (at least as far as I can tell) all the time, and I really don't think I could handle that rejection. He's my favourite person in the entire universe, and it took me way too long to realize that I actually really do like him. But now, especially after this stupid thing, I don't have the courage to tell him how I feel because I don't feel like I'm good enough, I don't feel like he actually likes me as more than a friend because I'm not skinny like the other girl friends he has that he'll have sit on his lap and he'll hold them and it all makes me so jealous. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm dying to be able to tell him how I feel. I'm killing myself wondering if he likes me or not, if the fact that he treats me differently than his other friends means anything at all, wondering if it's worth it, losing sleep, losing focus, losing sanity.

I don't really remember Tuesday, it was another day, first official day of classes for the new semester, except that we heard that a girl at our school had gone missing Monday night/ that morning, between 9pm and 6am. So everyone was shocked and freaked out and feeling helpless. When she'd gone missing, she'd left a disturbing note in her room, and search and rescue teams were searching for her by the ocean.
And then... Wednesday. Wednesday, everything broke. They found her body at one AM that morning, in the ocean, under twenty feet of water. And the news spread like wildfire across the school. She was an amazing student, it just shocked everyone that this had happened. Even the teachers were shocked and deeply affected, they had no idea what to do. A whole squadron of grief counselors were shipped over here, and everybody was crying, classes weren't working, and at lunch, I left with a bunch of my friends and we went over to my bff's house and talked with each other for a long time, both about it and about other things, too, and watched a movie. It helped. We couldn't stay in the school any longer; it hurt too badly. I'll admit I didn't know her more than I could match her face to her name and I knew her reputation, extremely gifted and an amazing achiever and someone who was definitely going somewhere, so I wasn't affected nearly as bad as the people around me, but it just reminded me of when my stepdad died six months ago and how much that hurt, how it felt like I might tear in two because it just hurt so badly and wouldn't go away.
I wrote this in my blog last night:

'This week just blows. There was the thing on Monday, there was yesterday which wasn't amazing, either, and then there was Today. Today when she left the first marks upon my skin and truly scared me for the first time, today when I found out just who my friends are and how much they care, today when it seemed like time should stop as a whole school cried, but it didn't.
Today brought back six-month-old memories. Because everyone around me was experiencing what I did those months ago, everyone's hearts were breaking and it was like being back there again, seeing his chest cease to rise and fall, breath stop flowing to and from his body, just being so helpless and bewildered that life could change so quickly, could change in a day, an hour, a moment, just a flicker in the flow of time. And remembering that, like back then, now begins the ascent into time in the opposite direction. The Then and the Now. From here on the Now becomes part of the Then, and you count not age, but absence. The slow, aching recovery, the pain that radiates from some untouchable central place, that hurts so badly it feels like you might suffocate in your own sobs, drown in your own tears, pain that feels like it might tear you apart at the seams. The lying awake at night choking on your sadness, unable to breathe or speak or do anything but cry harder and harder until nothing more will come and you can finally sleep to memories. It's hard and life-changing, and you can't stop it and can't stop those around you from it, can't protect them, and it hurts all the more.
Reality hits you like a brick. My mortality is all the more present in my mind and all the more looming, the knowledge that I'm going to die someday came back just as huge and as frightening as it did six months ago. I don't want to die. Like, ever. I love too many people and too many things in this life to ever give it up. But time's slipping by constantly. I want to let the people I love know that I do and how much I do.
And the knowledge that someone could hurt so badly as that, and to feel like there was no other way...
I'm glad I have the people I do around me, and I hope they know that they have me, too.'

And then that evening, all hell broke loose. I'll copypaste what I wrote to my friends in a message on Facebook, because it pretty much explains what happened.

'Alright, but you can't tell anyone, okay? If you tell someone, things won't get better, I'll get shipped off to NS, and I'd much rather stay here. And I don't want you to phone or come up here, haha.
When I got in the car, she asked me how school was, not why I met her halfway up Lampson hill, so I told her what happened and stuff, and then she asked me why I wasn't in fourth, and I told her that I went with you guys to Alix's, and right away she starts talking ill of everything that happened, and tells me how she waited for me for an hour at school, like I was supposed to know she went home early because a fire extinguisher had blown up in her office and nobody had told her. And I forgot to ask how she was, because she'd pissed me off being so ignorant about what had happened, like, really, she doesn't get it. So I all but ignore her the whole way home, and she gets all angry at me halfway there because I didn't ask how she was, and because I'd said something to her that brushed her the wrong way because I was still ticked, and all hell breaks loose. When we get home, she's angry at me before we get in the door, because I was being bitter and said a few things in a way I shouldn't have. Anyway... it goes on, we fight, about absolutely nothing because she's probably PMSing or something, about how oh, I don't care about her, I never ask about her, oh, I hate her, and I accidentally told her how I don't even want to go home with her every day (the truth, that's how I feel) because she always finds some way to piss me off and every day just feels like a struggle as soon as we're going home. She blames me for sitting here at my computer every night, instead of sitting out there watching TV with her. Either way we're not doing anything, I don't see how it matters, and sometimes I have homework that needs to be done on the computer. So I go downstairs to leave her alone, and she goes ballistic, and comes down, and starts screaming at me for the modem, so I hand it to her, since my computer's plugged into the internet in the wall. This does not go well. She yells at me how I'm such an ingrateful cow, and tells me that I'd better get looking at the bus schedules so I can figure out how I'm getting to school tomorrow, and I say that she should, instead, (stupid), and she starts screaming "Who do you think you're talking to?!" and starts hitting me, pushes me back on the bed and trying to get at me but I've got my leg up against her stomach so she can't. She smacked me across the face so I pushed her back hard with my leg so she'd get off me, and she pushes me, and... yeah. It's stupid. And it goes on... she goes into her room to try and disconnect the modem that's all through the house, but I take the keys because I was clearly feeling stupid, and she starts attacking me again, pushing me and slapping me, and screaming, and she grabs my wrist and squeezes tight, but I've given up trying to fight back by this point, because nothing's making it any better. So there's bruise #1, and I do not bruise easily. And more pushing and screaming, while I'm trying my best to keep calm so maybe she'll chill out, and then she locks her door and starts trying to open the box without the key, and failing, comes back to the door and screams at me to give it to her. She opened the door, and then grabbed a nearby long salt grinder (which was mine, that she'd taken and was in her room for reasons beyond me) and started hitting me with it, and I just put up my arm in self-defense, so now I have this huge bump on the outside of the bone on my arm, luckily it's not as big anymore. And just... more kicking and screaming and hitting... Then upstairs, again, she drags my dad into it again, saying stupid stuff like I should move back with him so I can be happy and live happily ever after and s**t, and that is the last thing in the world I want to do, and every time we even have any sort of spat, she ALWAYS brings him up. And just... more verbal abuse, more physical abuse, of course by this time I'm angry again and I'm shouting back. At one point, I called her a whore, but there's only so many times you can be called a ******** cow and a stupid b***h and etcetera before you start to lose it.
I hate it, it just feels like no matter what I do, I'm always wrong. I'm always doing SOMETHING wrong, always a failure at something, always getting in s**t with her for something. I'm trying my best to keep her happy, and the more I do, the more she gets angry at me. I made sure I was going to be at her work on time, but no. It's my fault I had no clue she went home early. It's my fault I was exhausted and angry so that I didn't feel like listening to her and talking to her. It's my fault I wanted to be there for my friends, it's my fault the whole school was ******** up because Freya died, and some stuff she said about Freya really pissed me off, she didn't know her, she didn't know any of the circumstances, or how things were for her, she has no right to say any of those things. I just... ugh. I hate this.
My forearm ******** hurts so bad, and internally I've just been... crushed. I'm utterly defeated. She's never been like this before, she's never actually left a mark before, and we don't fight that often.'

So then, even though I told my friends to chill out and that it was no big deal, they started freaking out on my behalf. On one hand, I'm really glad I have their support, but on the other, I really really do not need intervention and don't need anyone involved!! My friend was going to tell her mom and come up and get me (she still told her mom, though, even though I expressly asked her not to) and I had this big huge panic attack and tried to call her to tell her that everything had blown over, and yeah. It was just a bad evening. And then all today I've been in lots of pain from these stupid bruises, because I guess I pulled some muscles or something during the actual physical fight, because all during first block spare, I just kind of sat there whimpering, because it hurt. The pain in my bruises radiated up through my arms, and my back just at the base of my neck hurt like it does when I overdo it swimming. Even now, I'm still stiff and sore all over, and my bruises still hurt really badly. I can't place my left arm on a table because the bruised bump on the bone hurts to touch, and both my wrists are bruised and writing today hurt.
And the fact that she was actually able to bruise me at all was incredible. I don't bruise visibly like, ever. In grade nine gym, my friend accidentally kicked me REALLY REALLY hard in the shin, and the place hurt for over a month, but it never bruised. I've been hurt in so many places, but a visible bruise will never rise to the surface. But now I have that bump, I have a series of bruises around my left wrist, one on the base of my left hand, on the underside, and one somewhere in my hand that I can't find but makes it hard to write with. It's bad. I'm in a bad shape, physically, mentally, emotionally.
And yet still, he's all I can think of...
Because if I learned anything from the past week, it's that life is way too goddamn short and it's important to make sure that all the people around you know how much you care about them and that you're there and you love them and you're there for them, so they don't go and do the same thing. She didn't need to die.
I want him to know how I feel about him, because who knows, one of us could die and then it'd all be over, and I'd feel awfully about never having let him know how I feel about him. But at the same time I'm deathly terrified of getting rejected, of all my fears coming true, it'd crush me. And after this week I've had, I'm feeling just about as low as I can get, I'm feeling absolutely terrible about myself and it's making me feel insecure about absolutely everything about me. But I really care about him, and I really just... want to be with him, I really just need him around me. He makes me so happy, it's ridiculous. He supports me, he gives me strength and the will to live my life how I want to and be who I want to be and not care about what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how much of a rough shape I'm in, he can make me feel better. He makes me feel like I have something to live for, some reason to be. We get along so well, we understand each other perfectly. He's like being with a soulmate, we see completely eye to eye on everything, and I've never met another person I've connected with like this before.
I think that this should happen, that I need to tell him and it should work out, because, honestly, life? I could really use a break right about now.