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 Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:46 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 11, 2010 12:12 pm
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:00 pm
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Masago.
Today was weird. Both good and bad.
Had a fun time out with my friends.
Ate some delicious sushi, and stood in the drizzle of rain.
But anyways.
I've felt strange lately.
Like I've been wanting something more from life.
I just feel like I want to take off somewhere, without anyone knowing, and come back the next day, no questions asked.
I really wanna go to England, to be honest :/
That's the heartland. That's where everything good is.
That's my fresh start.
I'm afraid of America.
It's just another MKULTRA explosion, and I don't want to be in it anymore.
I just want to go somewhere new, where nobody knows my name.
Settle down in a nice apartment with my dog and a new Corgi puppy.
Maybe get a job.
Never mind.
I just want to stay here with my mum, I s'pose.
England can wait..
Pshhhhhhhaw.
Can't wait for this year of school to be over.
Then I can run around as I please!
Which means...
-No boyfriend nagging me every two seconds, though I luff him dearly.
-No creepy fling guy, who makes me feel bad about myself everytime I look at him!
-A new start!
-Better grades!
-Errm. That's all.
URGH! DAMNIT!
It's too late.
It's like almost 1am and I'm tired as hell.
s'cuse my langauge.
I'm just a ruffian.
BLARGH! D:<
Tomorrow will be conquered.
-Angel Monster
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Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 1:56 pm
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Posted: Sat May 29, 2010 10:04 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:51 pm
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Desperado.
I've been feeling down lately.
I'm sure as to what the reason, either.
I just feel this strange since of depression.
The more I try to understand, the more I think.
And the more I think, the more I find more sadness.
I think of my abuse, the men in my life, the bad stuff.
I really hope this mulls over fast, I'm tired of being upset.
All I think about lately is somebody.
I think of Chase like, all the time.
He was so perfect, adorable, and such a good friend.
I miss him, and I hate that he moved.
What the ******** is so great in Texas that he had to move there, anyways?!
Gah. Forget it. My metal rockstar isn't going to ride over here on a white stallion with his Dimebag Dean from Hell guitar anytime soon, or at all. "/
-Angel Monster
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Posted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:34 am
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Sad Dream
I just had a really disheartening dream. It was really weird and sad.
Yesterday, before I had the dream, a friend told me that this really cute guy I liked was checking out this girl and rated her a 10/11 or whatever. It was a little saddening to me, but its whatever, really, I do that with guys.
But here is my dream. Or, things that happened in my dream.
-I remember being on a yellow bus with an old school bus drive, who is my friend's mum. My other friend's mum was on the bus too, and the missed Kristin's house, and Kristin was the bus drive daughter. I remember that happenind. However, I do not remember making it to a school.
-I remember being somewhere. I don't exactly remember the location. But I was on the website Facebook, and on my "people you may know", he was there. I clicked on it, and it had his name on it and everything. Initials HK. I don't remember his full name, as it's foggy. I just remember the first few letters of each.
-On his profile, I remember the numbers 212 and 2059. I looked up information about the year 2059, and that year is the year a futurist predicts the economic collapse. As for 212, all I found was that it was the year when people where freemen in the Roman Empire. But it also stated that the Jews were also free. He is a jew. I found this weird.
-I saw his pictures, and a bunch of really pretty girls were in his pictures. A few guys were in it, and they all looked like they were metal and brutal and whatnot. He had a bunch of metal songs in the "music" part of his facebook.
-After I was off his facebook, my friends Ashley, Kristin and I were in my upstairs purple bathroom. All I remember was sitting in the tub, holding an organ.
-I awoke very saddened. I am not sure as to why I am, though. Maybe subconsciously, I really am jealous of all the girls he thinks are pretty, and that it makes me feel insecure. I don't know. I still feel empty, as if I feel all hope is lost with him ever liking me or anything.
This is it.
I'm just logging this so I will remember it later.
Any comments are welcome.
-Angel Monster
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Posted: Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:32 pm
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Another upsetting dream.
Before the dream, I had previously talked to my Asian friend Ben, who lives in California, on Yahoo. I had also been fighting with my ex.
In the dream, I was in a car or something, and this Hispanic guy and his girlfriend (i knew his girlfriend) were telling me to meet them somewhere. Then, all I remember is going to the local movie theater.
There at the movies, I see a lot of people I know. Specifically, a girl named Julia, who I'm kinda friends with. (irl, she annoys me a little because she always acts emo) But I saw her, and walked over to her to talk. All the sudden, the Hispanic guy comes over and says something like "You sure did meet us there", and then he punched me in the face. I fell down and saw my ex boyfriend stepped out in front of me, and got in his face. Another guy approached, and looked at me. He was with the Hispanic guy. As soon as he started to come at me, I ran around the next corner. I heard the Hispanic guy yell for him to go after me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to escape from him. So as soon as he goes around the corner, I bite a huge chunk from his neck, and rip off a huge piece of it. I hear him yell. I turn around and run away, and I remember spitting out his blood and skin as I did. It was a dead end, and so I turned around and ran back around to the lobby, where I was punched. everyone was coming out of their movies, and I ran outside, looking for anyone to help. I saw my ex and asked why he helped, and he said that he didn't want me to get killed, and that him and Ben saved me. Afterward, I ran around, and I asked a lot of people if I could get a ride home, but they didn't listen. After almost every person had driven away, I finally see Ben, my Asian friend. He asked if I was okay, and said that he was catching a ride with his sister in this tiny car, so I pile in the back, and we drive off.
Prettty creepy. Comments are requested.
-Angel Monster
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Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 2:44 am
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What am I doing?
Guess what happened tonight?
I confronted the man who took my virginity. I asked him about Chase, my friend who moved away. He said that he'd talked to him and that Chase missed the old times, with all 3 of us, playing guitars and being the best of friends. We talked about everything and had a lot of laughs, but I ended up crying. We were at the park with one of my friends, and we weren't too far from her house. We were at the park, sitting at one of the tables with nobody else but the 3 of us. So I wasn't alone with him or anything. But my best friend was pestering us that she wanted to go, because she is afraid of the dark or something, so we had to leave before long. He was a little mad because she was whining, and so he drove us back to her house, or at least halfway up the road, so her parents wouldn't be like "wtf?". She got out of the car and walked up the road a little ways, and I was still crying a little tiny bit, so I leaned over and hugged him and said "I miss you Timmy.." and he said "I miss you too kid." I got out of the car and I said bye, and he drove off.
In all honesty, it gave me a lot of closure about Chase, and even Tim. It was a good feeling that we tied up loose ends and talked about the past, and didn't leave all the pieces of it just lying there. It felt.. Right. He didn't try and make any moves on me or anything. We were just friends, and that was that.
Maybe it's my last encounter with him. I dont know. But it felt really good to know that I had self control. I didn't let anything bother me, and everything went well.
I know I said I wouldn't talk to him about it a while back, but something told me I had to, and I'm glad I did. It just put an end to that lost page in our friendship. I'm glad it turned out nicely.
I don't know where I'm going in my life. I don't know what I'm doing, either. It seems like everyday I spend waiting here for stuff to happen, it's like a whole lifetime of dying. I know that's dramatic, but I just want things to roll on faster instead going shitilly slow. I feel like I need somebody.
Ehhh.
I want somebody, but I feel as though I'm not good enough for them. I like this guy, and he is very handsome and gentle, warm and kind. He is realllly nice, and likes me, but I just don't feel I measure up like other people. It's stupid. I feel as though my weight is making me hide from being my true self, and it's stupid.
Gaaaaaaaaaah. Can someone explain what I'm doing here? And can someone tell my hormones to go kill themselves?
-Deepest regards,
Angel Monster.
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