[I HAVE A SHITLOAD OF ISSUES SO THIS MAY LOOK LIKE A WALL OF TEXT,SRY.]
Okay, so.. my boyfriend and I have known each other for about a year and a half, we've been together for awhile now..
I love him to death, but I don't quite know how to explain my .. situation to him.
You see, he frequents stripclubs with his buddies and I didn't mind it at first, because I know that he's a responsible adult, and he's hardworking and he needs a place to kick back and relax, which is also the reason why he hangs out in bars from time to time.
But as the months/weeks passed, horrible thoughts began to invade my mind.
I know what goes on inside of stripclubs and it pisses me off. It makes me feel inferior that he comes back, telling me what a wonderful and fun experience it is to be surrounded by "hot girls." It really hurts to hear him talk about other women this way, because it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough and not enough to get him aroused, because on several occasions, he'd talk about how horny he was after seeing certain dancers perform on stage.
To make things worse, he keeps pushing the idea of buying me a lapdance from a really hot chick whenever I'm in the area. (He lives about two hours from me.) I keep telling him I'm not interested because I hate places like that, particularly because it's a PTSD trigger for me, and he knows it too..and yet I feel like he's pressuring me into going to this place with him..
I feel really bad, but I don't want to come off as too controlling/clingy/jealous. I just want to tell him that I don't feel comfortable with him going to a place like that, and I don't want to ever go to a strip club, because I HATE IT. I HATE HATE HATE IT. I digress in telling you ladies the full story behind why I truly despise gentlemen's clubs , porn & escort services....
He also had the nerve to ask me for a threesome with another woman. I'm not the jealous type. It might seem like it, but I really just want.. my boyfriend..
I don't have the greatest body in the world.. My breasts aren't big enough to fill a bra, I'm basically flatchested, I don't have a succulent butt, and sometimes I feel like I'm an easy slut because I give into the sexual demands of guys way too effortlessly.
And at this point, I think I'm being too easy with my boyfriend because I keep getting sexual with him without him initiating it and he never stops me, which makes me feel horrible, but at the same time.. I.. enjoy that.
So to sum it up, I have a barrage of issues here.. I feel like I'm not good enough, my boyfriend tells me I'm sexy and I'm beautiful all the time, but he talks about other girls too and how attractive they are, and he knows it makes me feel bad, but he does it anyway.
I'm always thinking he's cheating on me when I dont hear from him immediately.. or if he's gone for a long period of time.. Or whenever he's out, even with his friends.
I don't want him to stop going out, and I don't want to limit anything he does in his life that makes him happy, because I know he's had it rough in the past and he deserves a break every now and then, but I can't bear it when I know what happens beyond closed doors in these joints.
It's okay for him to look at porn, and talk about celebrity sex fantasies, but to know he's around normal women, IN THE FLESH, and he gets turned on by them and openly talks about all of this when he knows it bothers the ******** out of me, is unacceptable.
But I can't go to these areas with him either.. I don't trust his friends.. I'm scared.. to trust him..
He's an extraordinarily amazing guy, but he just.. Sometimes he can be inconsiderate..
What should I do ?
I can't help that I feel what I feel despite him reassuring me that the stripclub he goes to is desexualized and you're not allowed to get too touchy-feeling with the performers/workers.
I just hate feeling like I can't trust him, also. And I don't want to feel like I'm being used for sex...I know he's not that type of guy.. but what if.. what if I just end up being hurt?