Sexual Assault - A Safe Haven

[flauterfli]

A Safe Haven.

Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent. Some types of sexual acts which fall under the category of sexual assault include forced sexual intercourse (rape), sodomy (oral or a**l sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling and attempted rape. Sexual assault in any form is often a devastating crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure or tricks. Whatever the circumstances, no one asks or deserves to be sexually assaulted.~ncvc

Too often "rape" is thrown around in casual conversation, even joked about. News stories about brutal rapes are shrugged off, some going so far as to debate whether or not the victim was "asking for it." This sort of attitude makes it even more difficult for a sexually assaulted victim to report the crime -- especially if it wasn't penetrative rape. Sexual assault of all varieties are all too often encouraged by the fear of taking action.

SPEAK -- a powerful fiction novel that shows the unraveled mind of a young rape victim. In the end, she finds the strength to speak. Unfortunately, a large amount of women are none so lucky. A woman may feel not just threatened by the rapist themselves but also by society -- that she won't be believed, that no one will do anything about it, perhaps her clothing choice would "suggest otherwise", etc. etc. (I'm not excluding men at all; it's a girls' forum, so yeah.)

Share your stories. Rant. Vent it out. Go into details if you have to, anything to make you feel more at peace with the ordeal. If you're not comfortable doing so online, think about opening up to a friend, a parent, a teacher, a pastor -- anyone you can trust for support.

All will be regarded with respect and compassion.
No unkind words will be tolerated. Whatsoever.  

[Jenitorturer]

Thank you for sharing with us.

Well.. I guess one of the main issues in my life that nobody really knows about is that I had been sexually assualted by a very close friend who I instilled all of my trust into. [This is NOT my ex fiance, for those of you who are familiar with the details of my relationships.] This happened a few months ago..

He was just one of my closest friends and I knew that there was something up with him. He's known to alot of people as what you would call a "rake" or a "player" or a "lady killer." I don't even know why I trusted him so much or why I allowed him to get close to me. It was a mistake.

My friends and most people who know me know about my history and my approach to sex. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not a whore and I'm not a slut. I'm ******** tired of everybody judging me beforehand and labeling me as either of the two or a variation. I find it incredibly offensive that anyone should call me anything other than my name, in the first place.

To help you ladies understand, I have a sex addiction problem and I don't enjoy it. It's really ******** hard for me to try and make it through each day without doing something sexual with others and it's ruined 90% of my potential long term relationships. It was one of the major factors that led up to the destruction of my relationship with my ex fiance, (who i know, treated me like s**t 70% of the time) and it's made me afraid of myself. I know I have a problem and I've tried everything. I've been to rehab and s**t, but it's not working...

So back to my ordeal.. This friend .. ex friend of mine, Aaron, one day, we're alone at his place. I was there because he asked me to come over. He had something he wanted to talk to me about, but he wanted to tell it to me in person. It must've been really important, I figured, because he wanted me to meet him at his house, alone.

It was just the two of us..And he started to tell me that he loved me.. That's when I began to say that I loved him too, as a friend.. but after he hesitated, he said to me, "I love you.......(hesitation) because you're so easy and you're always horny and ready to ********. You'd let anyone ******** you any way they want. That's why I love you."

I didn't know what to say. I was shaking and my lips were quivering. I was ready to cry. He ignored my tiny droplets of tears and watery eyes and slipped his fingers up my skirt, feeling me through my panties.

I subtley tried to stop him, but he didn't. He just forced himself on top of me, pinned me down, and said to me, "But, Jenny, you know you want this, you always wanted this. Stop lying to yourself and let it happen. You know you're nothing but a dirty little ...slut."

I was crying because I hated him so much. He didn't take off my shirt or my skirt. He didnt even remove my panties, he just pulled them to the side and..took me.

After he called me a slut, I didn't even bother trying to resist him any more. I just.. It was like something inside of me possessed my body. I was feeling sensations I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to ******** enjoy it. my mind.. my heart was in another place, but my body was there. And I had to feel everything. I had to feel him inside of me, his skin against mine, and it felt .. physically, it felt great.. but I didn't.. want it to. I wanted it to feel like nothing. But my body had turned into my very own nemesis. And I couldn't help it. I couldn't control it.

In my mind and my heart, I wanted him to stop and apologize to me. I wanted him to ******** stop. But i was weak...

After he finished.. he just spit on my face and told me to go home..

I didn't know what to do, where to go for help, or who to talk to. I was ******** scared shitless and I felt so worthless. I was sexually and emotionally numb for weeks following that day. nobody really knew what was going on, not even my ex fiance who i was seeing at the time..

I was too scared.. i just wanted to die.. that was when all my troubles with my relationship and my sex addiction spiraled out of control. I did what i needed to feel wanted. I believed everything anyone told me. If i was a worthless whore, then i was a worthless whore. I almost even almost came close to prostitution,..

I don't really know how to feel anymore..

I don't feel any better...

I've killed every relationship Ive ever had.. Ive lost trust in men, i dont even trust myself, and I'm struggling to make it through each day. I've been having emotional breakdowns, ive been suicidal, and my happiness is only a facade im wearing for others to see, because its easier for them to understand. If they dont know about any of this, then they cant judge me and I wont have to hurt as much..

I've lost so many precious things I can never retrieve.. and I know i need help but i just can't ******** cope. I break down every time i think about my life and my body and who i am and I just.. feel so helpless.

I'm sorry for using such vile language but i dont know how to properly express my emoptions right now and im having a really bad breakdown..

I just wanted to share.. and show you all how flawed I am as a human being.. I'm not.. human.. I'm a monster..

 

[katan ayde]

"You're not a monster. The one that hurt you was."  

[Jenitorturer]

the sad thing about the ordeal is that the only lessons I learned are lessons which hurt me even more, and I still make bad decisions, choose bad "friends" and I'm still on the decline, despite being fully aware of the consequences of my actions.

I have only picked up bad lessons from this incident.

I can't trust any man to genuinely love me for any other reason than my body.. and sex.

I'm still trying to love myself and heal, but I'm surrounded by people who look down upon me and they just drag me down even deeper. I don't want to listen to what others say about me and I don't want to think that what they say is true, but when you hear it constantly, everywhere you go, it's hard to block it out. If I'm happy, I'm either faking it for the sake of protecting myself, or.. it's only temporary and I get a relapse later on.

Even amongst other victims, I fail to feel a sense of solidarity or consolation. It's like a dagger through my heart. I feel like noone will ever love me for me.. And if they love me, they only pity me..

 

[MunakMousie]

flauterfli - I live in oregon... I hope that you feel a little better now that you've shared your story. An that boy sounded scary >.>; *pats* at least you have a good supportive boyfriend now.


Jenitorturer - Okay... your story seriously made me cry. I felt like I wanted to rush to your side and just hug you... *hug* ;-; *sniffle* You are definitely NOT a monster! Your not anything but a beautiful girl. None of those horrible names describe you. That man is a horrible person for thinking of you like that and thinking he could take advantage of you.

I understand sex addiction very well, because I have struggled with it in the past... and still sometimes do. But I'm getting a little better (now that I've gotten closer to god - but its still hard) It can sometimes be completely hormonal and there is nothing you can do about that, but see a doctor maybe.

I was abused alot in my past... and according to therapists that is part of the reason I became originally addicted to sexual things (not so much as sex itself just sexual acts... such as masturbation and what not)

I was abused when I was 6.... A very close friend of mine, whom I looked up to as part of my family whom was 7yrs older then me (he was my moms best friends son) somehow convinced me... to have sex with him. Saying it was a game. He had sex with me, and though I didnt like it at first... slowly I got used to it after we did it several times. An eventually I kind of started to enjoy it. But I thought something was really weird that we had to hide it form everyone. I started to feel really weird, and bad about it whenever he made me do things... like give him a b*****b or have sex with me (in weird places like public playgrounds, outside, under the bed or stuff like that) But it didnt stop until he moved away for a short time. I thought something was wrong with me... and I eventually blocked it out of my mind, I didnt KNOW what sex was until along time later. (yrs) and when I finally knew... I thought I must have made that all up, or dreamed it up and I was a sick person.

For years I thought I was just a messed up person, and I turned it around on myself. I started to become addicted to sex around 11. But I was to terified by then that people would hate me, or be disgusted by me that I never dared approching another boy. Until I was 15, when I found a boyfriend whom I had sex with again. Our crappy messed up relationship lasted over a yr. Until I finally ended it.

I still struggled for a while, and realized that it wasnt my fault and told my mom and sister about what had happen. An found out that the boy (whom I still know and forgave somehow) tryed to do things to 3 of my sisters as well. (but my big sister grace beat him up for it lol - she's the same age as him)

I found god, and it helped me to forgive myself, and him. He changed thankfully. An got better. But I know some people dont.

I still have strong sexual desires... and I try to avoid being with guys I like alone, or in relationships cuz I know that I wont have the will to resist not wanting to just have sex with them... Although I sadly let myself slip into it again

I met up with a friend who kind of liked me and is very sexual... I thought to myself no. I will be strong and not do anything with him. But.... the first day we met up.... He started kissing me and my resolve vanished and I told him to **** me >.>;

An sadly... since every time I had actual sex with a guy other then just playing by myself... was just the right number of yrs apart. I have had my hymen broken 3 times! Not fun >.>; An this time it REALLY hurt! (he's kinda big) An... hurt for days after and bled... but I still have sex with him and crave it all the time now. So I'm a little afraid Im gonna be addicted again... Starting to really freak me out a bit.  

[Jenitorturer]

MunakMousie

Jenitorturer - Okay... your story seriously made me cry. I felt like I wanted to rush to your side and just hug you... *hug* ;-; *sniffle* You are definitely NOT a monster! Your not anything but a beautiful girl. None of those horrible names describe you. That man is a horrible person for thinking of you like that and thinking he could take advantage of you.

I understand sex addiction very well, because I have struggled with it in the past... and still sometimes do. But I'm getting a little better (now that I've gotten closer to god - but its still hard) It can sometimes be completely hormonal and there is nothing you can do about that, but see a doctor maybe.

I was abused alot in my past... and according to therapists that is part of the reason I became originally addicted to sexual things (not so much as sex itself just sexual acts... such as masturbation and what not)

I was abused when I was 6.... A very close friend of mine, whom I looked up to as part of my family whom was 7yrs older then me (he was my moms best friends son) somehow convinced me... to have sex with him. Saying it was a game. He had sex with me, and though I didnt like it at first... slowly I got used to it after we did it several times. An eventually I kind of started to enjoy it. But I thought something was really weird that we had to hide it form everyone. I started to feel really weird, and bad about it whenever he made me do things... like give him a b*****b or have sex with me (in weird places like public playgrounds, outside, under the bed or stuff like that) But it didnt stop until he moved away for a short time. I thought something was wrong with me... and I eventually blocked it out of my mind, I didnt KNOW what sex was until along time later. (yrs) and when I finally knew... I thought I must have made that all up, or dreamed it up and I was a sick person.

For years I thought I was just a messed up person, and I turned it around on myself. I started to become addicted to sex around 11. But I was to terified by then that people would hate me, or be disgusted by me that I never dared approching another boy. Until I was 15, when I found a boyfriend whom I had sex with again. Our crappy messed up relationship lasted over a yr. Until I finally ended it.

I still struggled for a while, and realized that it wasnt my fault and told my mom and sister about what had happen. An found out that the boy (whom I still know and forgave somehow) tryed to do things to 3 of my sisters as well. (but my big sister grace beat him up for it lol - she's the same age as him)

I found god, and it helped me to forgive myself, and him. He changed thankfully. An got better. But I know some people dont.

I still have strong sexual desires... and I try to avoid being with guys I like alone, or in relationships cuz I know that I wont have the will to resist not wanting to just have sex with them... Although I sadly let myself slip into it again

I met up with a friend who kind of liked me and is very sexual... I thought to myself no. I will be strong and not do anything with him. But.... the first day we met up.... He started kissing me and my resolve vanished and I told him to **** me >.>;

An sadly... since every time I had actual sex with a guy other then just playing by myself... was just the right number of yrs apart. I have had my hymen broken 3 times! Not fun >.>; An this time it REALLY hurt! (he's kinda big) An... hurt for days after and bled... but I still have sex with him and crave it all the time now. So I'm a little afraid Im gonna be addicted again... Starting to really freak me out a bit.

I feel like you really understand where I'm coming from with all this. I know what you mean with resisting.. A lot of people look down on me and say that I don't have morals or ethics because I'm not supposed to give myself to a guy on the first date, but I can't help myself.

I used to go out and get my fix any way i can with whomever. Age never mattered to me and that's when I realized something was wrong.

My ex fiance was actually the one who made me realize the cost of everything I've been doing and the way I've been living my life.

My addiction is the reason why I don't have "real friends" who are there for me because they care. The majority of them just use me for sex..

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and that boy you trusted.

the way I actually found out about sex was when i stumbled upon my father's porn collection at a tender age.

One day, i wanted to try some of the things i saw and um.. I asked a friend if he would do it with me..

I didn't know what was going on, but that some of those sex acts felt good.

It just worsened over time..

But now i just think of it this way: I'd rather spend the rest of my life with someone i love than spend the the rest of my life with someone who i know will have sex with me anytime i want..  

[Rissa Unit]

Wow.. Sometimes I can't believe how horribly people treat the sexually abused, or assaulted. They say it's OUR fault. WE're the ones that should've stayed at home, or kept our pants on. When in fact, it's not in any way shape or form, the fault of the innocent. Men can be cruel. I know that for a fact. Women can be, as well. It's honestly really hard for me, because love is kindof like a two-way street. You either fall in love and are meant to be forever, and your lover stays loyal; or sadly everything comes crumbling down, and either you end up hurt emotionally, or physically. Most times both.

Now I just have one piece of advice for those, like me who have been sexually abused/assaulted. TALK ABOUT IT. If you can't find someone in your life offline who understands and will listen, rant in the guild. Tell your feelings! Let it all out so you can release some of the built up fear and anxiety from the experiences went through. I've been there. I was sexually assaulted by my COUSIN. He was a very troubled boy. Went to jail at age 16.

But I got over things by telling friends, family, even just friends or people in my guilds, or on Gaia how I felt. The biggest thing people need after going through something like sexual abuse; (in my opinion) is a friend. Someone who will listen, and understand what you're going through. Someone whose been through the same circumstances.

I hope this helps a little, and if anyone ever needs someone who will listen, and understand.. I'm here for you! Guildies stick together <3  

[MunakMousie]

Jenitorturer - Yeah, I understand. Thats why your story touched me so much, and made me feel like I should share mine.

I feel bad about what I did with my friend... Especially cuz now he thinks we're serious. I dunno how to avoid the issue. An my family will KILL me if they found out that I slept with a guy, before being married lol... (they dont know about my addiction really.... or that I've struggled with it so much in the past)

An I met this guy on the plane coming back, and he's cute. An we went on a date and I might go over to his house later today. I really hope he doesnt put the moves on me... He doesnt seem like a bad guy. He's very funny and sweet. But its hard for me to judge how some people take to... sexual type things. Its impossible to judge on how a person looks or acts.. until you get them alone.

Anyhow girl. Just stay strong, keep fighting. *hugs* I really hope you find a special person who will see you for the wonderful gal you are. An not just for the sex. An you can always talk to me if you ever want <3  

[Jenitorturer]

@ MunakMousie: I feel somewhat privileged and grateful that you shared your experience.

I used to be really nervous about talking about subjects like this.. even the topic of sex alone would be enough to make me cry. But now i finally realize that i should not be ashamed of myself because i'm not the only victim.

It makes me wonder how many women/men out there have actually experienced this and are afraid to talk about it.

Same here. My parents have their suspicions, but they haven't really bugged me about it. Probably because they know that that was sort of what landed me in rehab.

my parents are kinda conservative. They don't believe in sex before marriage either so i cant imagine what would happen if they found out.

Well.. i dont know.. he somewhat took advantage of you in the past.. it's something to consider.

That's true.
I'm not so different alone than when im with friends, though. So you would know what to expect from me..
Except that im much more romantic and intimate and i smile much more when im alone with someone.

I hope everything went well for you. I'd love to know how everything's going and maybe we can keep in touch because im super nosey LOL.

Sorry i couldnt respond earlier to this. I've just been super busy lately and ive been struggling with some other things ><

The guy im currently with fits the bill for my ideal guy.. except.. he seems sexually resistant, which is odd, but im somewhat glad.

And you too ! I hope things get better and it was a really good feeling to have this conversation with you because i just felt like you were speaking my words.

Im always free to talk with as well <3  

[Jenitorturer]

Rissaness

Wow.. Sometimes I can't believe how horribly people treat the sexually abused, or assaulted. They say it's OUR fault. WE're the ones that should've stayed at home, or kept our pants on. When in fact, it's not in any way shape or form, the fault of the innocent. Men can be cruel. I know that for a fact. Women can be, as well. It's honestly really hard for me, because love is kindof like a two-way street. You either fall in love and are meant to be forever, and your lover stays loyal; or sadly everything comes crumbling down, and either you end up hurt emotionally, or physically. Most times both.

Now I just have one piece of advice for those, like me who have been sexually abused/assaulted. TALK ABOUT IT. If you can't find someone in your life offline who understands and will listen, rant in the guild. Tell your feelings! Let it all out so you can release some of the built up fear and anxiety from the experiences went through. I've been there. I was sexually assaulted by my COUSIN. He was a very troubled boy. Went to jail at age 16.

But I got over things by telling friends, family, even just friends or people in my guilds, or on Gaia how I felt. The biggest thing people need after going through something like sexual abuse; (in my opinion) is a friend. Someone who will listen, and understand what you're going through. Someone whose been through the same circumstances.

I hope this helps a little, and if anyone ever needs someone who will listen, and understand.. I'm here for you! Guildies stick together <3

It did help, thank you. It's gotten easier for me to openly talk about what happened because i no longer see it as my fault, although i know it could have been prevented.

I'm glad that you were able to move past your ordeal and carry on.

I'm slowly working on improving myself and im being extra careful now with the type of people i surround myself with.

I dress more conservatively now and i keep the more provocative attire for my Master (im in a M/s relationship) like in the bedroom..  

[1nsane0takuChan]

Well, I don't know if this is sexual assult, but, once this boy came up to me while I was in my locker(I was in like, 7th grade) and out of no where, he humps my arm(or side or whatever). Is it?  

[Empty Spiral]

[~+~]

I think i'll make this a sticky, as it's a pretty important topic which i can imagine quite a few girls have experienced, unfortunately.

 

[flauterfli]

Sorry for not posting for agees.
Life gets ahead of me sometimes. :'D
Some of these stories make me sniffle, but I'm glad that girls feel safe to confide in this thread.

@Jeni: you are not a monster!
Being sexually active does not make you a whore, a slut, or anything of the sort! It does not make you deserve what that jerk did to you, at all. You are a beautiful young woman that deserves a loving man who will cherish you for much more than your body. Enjoying sex is a natural and wonderful thing. While there are many intolerant people out there, believe that you do have a friend, a family member, and especially a guild online that believes that he violated you inexplicably -- you were in no way asking for it, and whether or not your body responded doesn't matter. If you didn't want it, he shouldn't have forced anything on you. It was wrong. There is no denying it. Please forgive and love yourself. =) And, request that your master aid you in such. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

@Munak: I'm very sorry for what happened to you. It still alarms me that such things do happen to those so young...but at least God has helped him get better, and given you the strength to forgive.
Sex can be a strong and sometimes irresistible force...abstaining can be quite the struggle for my boyfriend and I, so I sympathize with you there...But keep in mind that sexual, intimate acts are always much better and wonderful with the one you love. I used to do things with a previous boyfriend(a more recent one, not abusive), one that I stayed with for quite some time and never really loved. I got addicted to being touched and, honestly, stayed with him mostly because I wanted someone to make out with. Finally I ended it with him. After being with someone who I truly love and care about, everything was soooo much better...it helps that, yeah, he's an almost-lover, but mainly it's because I love him. I don't know if it'll help any, but if you feel regret for having sex with guys who don't treat you right, or those whom you don't have feelings for, try to wait for a great guy who won't make you feel guilty about sex. Think that it'll feel better, that it probably be the best, pain-free sex you've ever had. Maybe you'll better be able to curb an unhealthy appetite for sex that makes you feel bad. I'm still a virgin so perhaps I'm not the best source of advice for this, but I do believe sex should make you feel loved and secure, not terrible. Raise your chin and deny meaningless pleasure because, hun, you're too good to lower your standards to it.

@KawaaiHikari: Yes, that very much was. If that ever happens to you again, tell him to cut it out and that such behavior is uncalled for and unacceptable. If it were to persist, reporting it, or at least confiding in someone about it, would be a necessary action. (boys that young don't always understand their boundaries, either because they haven't been taught or are too immature comprehend it, and need to be reprimanded or the behavior could worsen)  

[Jenitorturer]

Thank you, Empty Spiral, for making this a sticky.
I think every woman/girl in this guild should stop by and read through the posts,

And thank you, flauterfli for making this thread. If you hadn't shared your account of your ordeal, or made this thread, I'd probably still be suffering in silence.

I still sneak a cry or two every now and then and my triggers are still there, but my Master and long term best friend has been there for me and He's been really protective and nurturing.

I've matured somewhat.. and I'm doing better now. I spend my time around friends who actually care and love me for me and not my body.

And I wanted to thank everyone here for helping me reach my realization. My heart goes out to all the victims who have undergone similar events and tragedies.

We're all vulnerable at one point or another, and sometimes we can't control what happens to us. But no matter what, we all need to stay strong, keep our heads up, and work harder to make healthier decisions for a better future.

Love, Jen.