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Gabrielle_AnimalLuver Crew
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 Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:29 pm
I'm hoping this is just pms, but I'm really depressed lately, and very irritable.
It's been about a week and a half since my...boy toy for lack of a better term, has made any attempts to hook up. And after initiating the first two, I'm feeling like a whore and tired of trying. The first time was really fun, the second time I was just too drunk, well he still had fun. After the first I felt so good about myself. I felt sexy, and wanted. And now, I feel like I must be such a loser that he's already tired of me.
And I started going back into a "i wish I had a boyfriend" phase. It just hit me like a brick wall. We were at a party, and I had my boy toy there but what we do is a secret from everyone. And I saw my patrol partner hugging his girlfriend and I just wished I had a guy there to hold me. Someone who actually cared about me.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think I'm actually good looking, but I always avoid my own reflection, because most of the time I see myself and think, I'm such an ugly loser, how could I possibly hope to ever find a guy that would want me.
And I'm irritable cause, well, after I hooked up with my ex. He was very "chatty" online, and I would stay up and chat with him till he was done even though I was really tired. When he shared his fantasy with me, I listened with an open mind and I considered it. But he just completely ignored mine and made no attempts whatsoever. He's still a selfish d**k that's for sure.
And I got really sick of jokes made at my expense by my coeworkers because my ex had to be a ******** big mouth and tell EVERYONE that we dated and why he dumped me. Like, wow, could I feel more pathetic?
Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. So I text him, "the ball is in you court, unless your tired of this already, in which case leme know so I don't hold my breath. But I'm free, you've got my number, so it's ur move."
cause I decided I'm sick of chasing him, if I wanted whatever it is we have to be so complicated then I'd date him. This is suppose to be no strings. So I give up. I also gave up on finding a nice guy who might actually care about me a long time ago. I think my ability to trust or care about someone is pretty much destroyed.
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:21 pm
Don't feel alone in that respect, not at all. I actually had similar conversations with a good friend of mine years back. Cut to several years later: she's happily engaged, and I'm still single... I can't tell if I have low self-confidence or if I simply don't trust other people, but I cannot for the life of me seem to get a serious relationship or even keep good friends for more than a couple years. gonk I could go on several rants on that, but I wont. I also find myself looking at myself in mirrors quite often, but it's usually to pick apart what I don't like about myself that day/hour. Very unhealthy.... I think that studies have shown most women are unhappy with their appearance (at least here in the US). There seems to be a cultural or instinctive urge for women to compare themselves to other girls and feel inadequate.
It sounds to me like the boy toy thing just isn't working - it's all obviously up to you, but it seems like it's just making you second-guess yourself and feel worse. Having something like that and feeling you need to keep it secret doesn't help. Whatever you choose with that, though, also remember that most men's brains don't dwell on things like that. If it's even occurred to Boy Toy that you might be feeling worse from your situation, he probably hasn't even given much thought to it. Not saying that negative or positive - it just kind of is what it is. You're not a whore for wanting to have some occasional fun or intimacy, especially not when you're only seeking it from one guy.
Now granted, I don't know you face-to-face, but from what I've seen via the guild, you're a pretty strong-willed, dedicated person with set hobbies and opinions and an active lifestyle. I see those as positive traits, and many people find that attractive. And you're certainly not ugly. =) I know we all have our fears of ending up alone (heaven knows I do, too), but it's better for you to have a sense of who you are as a person than try to think of how others view you. At the end of the day, you're living your life for yourself (and Cowboy and all your other animals), not for someone else. If someone's not interested in the whole package that is "you" right now, then that's their misfortune.
Guh, hope that wasn't too corny...
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 6:41 pm
Don't worry hon, we still love you no matter how many hook ups you have. I really, really, really hate to admit it but I did something very similar but with people I never had any relation with :/
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 3:25 pm
Thanks guys, and ya, I don't intend on continuing to mess around with him. I sent him that text Friday, he still hasn't responded, which I personally believe to be ******** rude evil
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Gabrielle_AnimalLuver Crew
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Gabrielle_AnimalLuver Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:39 pm
I had a lil CHAT with him. To clear things up. Turns out he "reconected" with an old friend and they are probably going to start dating. And he doesn't wana mess around when he's interested in someone else. WHICH if he's telling the truth is a good thing. But NOW he decides to be noble? It's so unfair, I feel like we JUST started to fool around and it's already over. And I never even got to finish. I'm secretly hoping it doesn't work out with the new girl. But I can't help but think it's partly BS and that he's done fooling around regardless.
I just wana get llaaaiiiddd crying
I do want to be friends. I know that it's sort of unrealistic when I don't trust anything he tells me.
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:28 pm
If you were down here this would be the time I'd toss some pizzas on the grill, chill down some wine, and we'd relax on the docks and take time to just be positive. The happier you are with yourself, the happier you are in general, the more positive you are and the more positive people you gather around you, and the better chances you will have at finding someone that's right for you.
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Gabrielle_AnimalLuver Crew
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:49 pm
Akiska If you were down here this would be the time I'd toss some pizzas on the grill, chill down some wine, and we'd relax on the docks and take time to just be positive. The happier you are with yourself, the happier you are in general, the more positive you are and the more positive people you gather around you, and the better chances you will have at finding someone that's right for you. Junk food has the opposite effect on me. Makes me feel much worse about myself. I would think it awesome to cook up a big, healthy, maybe organic stew. And brew lots of yummy tea. Working towards my goal makes me feel better. Like if I get dressed up, I still feel like, ugh, this flaw and that flaw, but if I dress like crap and go workout, then I feel really great after. And guys, well, ya, I have issues making it work, but, I'm picky. There's more than one male friend in my life who has made it clear he would like to be more than friends, but, for reasons unknown even to me, I just don't see them like that. There's actually very few men that I find attractive, and I haven't had so much as a crush in...like...3yrs. Which like I said, makes me think I am just emotionally unavailable. Like I MISS being in a relationship, if you've seen my album "adventures with men" on facebook, then you could catch a glimpse of what I had with Marc. It wasn't perfect, he was gone a lot, but, just getting those messages made me feel so good. Like, I miss having someone TO miss and that missed me. People keep telling me to stop looking, it's when your not looking that it happens. Just cause that's how it happened for them. Last time I stopped looking I was single for two years. In the past year and a half I haven't even had one single date. My ex, broke up with the girl he left me for, and was getting offers the next day and dating right away. I don't get it, how is it a selfish douchebag like him has girls throwing themselves at him AND staying with him so long. I just lack the ability to have a relationship I really do.
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:42 pm
Grilled pizza is actually very healthy, being nothing but flatbread esque crust with whatever you want to put on it, like tonight was a mild low sodium sauce with sliced tomatoes, basil, and smoked mozzarella. And a glass red wine is heart healthy. And its more about the down time relaxing than it is about eating or drinking, you gotta remember though I'm italian we do everything with food it seems sometimes.
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Gabrielle_AnimalLuver Crew
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Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 4:28 am
Oh, my bad lol.
Well don't be mad but it's back on with my boy toy. Things didn't work out with the girl he was interested in, so he came crawling back lol. Thad cool, now I can text him when I'm in the mood and were planning on going downhill biking. Maybe camp too.
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