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 Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:51 am
So this is my journal - sort of. I started writing, for myself, a list of reasons why I should not want my ex-boyfriend back. Not because there is any chance, but because it's been a month and a half now, and things are starting to fade in my memory. This isn't good since, although I am forgetting the relationship, it's patchy and the bits I possibly should try to remember, are also going with the bits I really ought to forget.
But as I got through the reasons at an alarming rate, I realised that it's a shame no-one would ever see this. I can't show it to my close friends since there are certain things I'd rather they didn't ever know. But I thought it would make a cute little idea as a journal, since my everyday life is eye-wateringly dull.
So, as to make sure I don't end up with this finishing in a week, I'm going to post a reason a day, with most likely some commentary with it. It will start off pretty serious, I warn you, since the first few points are the most important. However, if you stick with me, you should get down to the amusing, weird and wonderful ones xp
Well if you managed to stick with me after my long-winded blurb, then enjoy! 3nodding
EDIT: Oh just one little note I thought might be nice - I wrote this as a kind of list to my future self. So in the quote bits each entry, if it sounds a bit weird, that's why xd
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:07 pm
Ohai!
So what are your reasons?
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:18 pm
Quote: 1. He used you. Depending on when this is looked at, the pain of discovering you were a rebound may have faded completely. That doesn't mean it wasn't there. This is not to say he is a horrible person, but him being a ‘nice’ person has only softened the edges of the pain. Trust me, it hurts like a b***h. So let's start the first post explaining the relationship - it's no good reading about the reasons if you have no idea what happened! Me and Andrew* have been friends since we were...well sometime between being 15-16 we became friends. I say this because it turned out, years later, that he had actually thought we were friends long before I did. I had always thought of him as a friend of a friend until he called me out of the blue one day to hang out. Fast-forward to now, 5/6 years later. Although both of us refused to call each other 'best friends', we definitely were close friends. I say 'were' because right now, I have no idea what we are. But we had even planned travelling around Japan together when I was studying out there (it got cancelled through not fault of our own). We always made sure to see each other during the holidays. And now somehow, I'm here, considering the distinct possibility I may never see him again. How did we get here? Well it starts with a girl - Summer*. His first girlfriend, they started going out while I was in Japan. By the time I came back, they had broken up. I never knew exactly how long, but it could have only been 3-4 months maximum. He was still really hurt by this though. Told me he felt like he needed at least 6 months to get over it. Now I'm sure you have seen where this is going, but hold on one moment. Nothing actually happened over the summer holidays when I saw him. Yes, I had realised I had feelings for him, but I was not going to act on them. In fact, when I went back to university in the autumn, I purposely went out, met new people, and really felt like I was getting over him. When I had a week off, it seemed like a great idea to go visit him. Hang out, eat junk food, maybe game a little - just normal friend stuff. I'm not going to go into exactly what happened - that's for tomorrow xp - but it turns out that, that night when I went to visit him, plus the rest of the 8 months that followed, were all on the rebound from Summer. I'm still confused to be honest, about the whole thing. I have to agree with what other people said too - he was probably just as confused as well. Still, I struggle to get my head around the idea that he really couldn't have said anything about it beforehand. But hey, if either of us had been willing to be completely honest, we'd have probably never made it to 3 months. *not real names
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:22 pm
Gigi Deveraux Ohai! So what are your reasons? Hey! Well number one is out there for all to see surprised I'm currently on number 43 in the actual list, but no spoilers! Some of them are pretty average, some of them less so xd I'm hoping I'll actually get to 50 though! I've still got 42 more days to do it in, so I'm sure I'll think of something whee
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:39 am
Quote: 2. You don't trust him. OK, this may or may not continue to be relevant, but right now, you don't. This goes back to point 1. He screwed you over in spite of the friendship. That's why you don't fully trust him. First things first, this isn't like I don't trust him completely. It's difficult to explain exactly. Or maybe this is just me. Up until now, my idea was that trust runs on a linear line, with one end being "trust with my life", the other end being "wouldn't trust them with my trash". But now, I'm thinking that's probably too simple. Andrew jumps up and down on that scale like a yo-yo. I mean, like information about me, I'd still trust him with. I don't plan on confiding in him any time soon, but I still don't feel like I couldn't if, for some bizarre reason, I absolutely had to. I still take what he says as true (though possibly being a bit more critical of it). And it's not like he cheated on me, so that's not the issue either. I just don't trust him not to screw up again. This point, in many ways, is more powerful to me than the first one, because it overlaps with our friendship too. In fact, it's really all centred on the trip I made to his place when we got together. So, as promised yesterday, I will say what happened. I got there, we ate dinner blah, blah blah. Skip forward to the actual relevant bit - the film. We've watched stuff together plenty of times, so nothing big here. Watching it on a bed too, also not actually news. However, things started wandering out of (what I felt anyway) friend territory, and into something else territory after this. He tells me to get under the covers. Meh, it was a mid-winter night, so fair enough. Then he starts cuddling me - and says he's gonna use me as a teddy bear (a statement that at the time made me go eek now I just wanna punch him in the face for it). He stayed like this the entire movie (I was doing a great impersonation of a statue), and I expected/hoped he would let go of me as the credits roll. Nope, he's still got his arm over my waist, and we are now lying in a pitch black room. Now, if he had let go of me, I honestly think, at least for that moment, nothing else would have happened. I genuinely had wanted to get up (my leg was actually hanging off the bed ready to go xd ), but what did actually happen is still clear in my memory. He sits up, reaches over me for a drink, then proceeds to tickle me for about 2 seconds, before grabbing hold of me. And that's how we stayed the entire night pretty much. The only other thing that relevant to this point is the next afternoon. Pretty much the same set-up - watch a film, snuggle. So we were lying in bed together, close enough so we're, well, breathing on each other xd This is a key point since at some point, we started this stupid thing where we kept blowing air onto the other's face. After a while of this, I decide to dive in and kiss him. It was odd even at the time, that he didn't kiss me back. I thought then it was shock. The gap before he kissed me back was long enough for me to start panicking. But he did, and well, the rest is history. So, now I've laid all that out, time to slam on top of it the reason why I don't trust him at the moment. After ending it with me, Andrew confessed something. That up until the point where he kissed me, he was "messing about". He admitted that maybe blowing air onto my face was too intimate. I called him out on this and told him that he was too intimate way before then. But that's not the point, the minute he told me this, it threw the entire thing on its head. I'd thought everything had happened because he liked me. The truth was he was lonely, and just wanted someone to snuggle up to. So, now knowing that, I struggle to believe that he wouldn't do it again.
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 1:27 pm
Oh, man, trust is SO important... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or twenty times, doesn't matter), shame on me.
I have friends I love dearly, but I wouldn't trust them with a cracked CD. On the other hand, I know people I don't particularly like that I'd leave my firstborn child with for a week without worry.
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Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2012 12:10 pm
Quote: 3. He pushed you. I don't think I need to give examples, but just in case you forgot, just remember back to the last time you were together. He hadn't stopped after you said no several times, and you actually had to physically restrain him. "Curiosity" is not a valid excuse. Oh boy, today's post is taking a look into probably the darkest part of the entire relationship, and definitely falls under the category of "things I'd rather my friends never found out". In fact, I almost considered skipping this point because a) I'm still kind of uncomfortable even writing it here and b) I'm not too sure how much detail I can actually go into on here xd I know how terrible the quote sounds so, as a disclaimer, I am not talking about rape here. I wouldn't care what he was to me, if I had been forced to have sex with him, he would have been reported. Yes, it would screw up his life, but if you do that to someone, you've kinda got it coming to you. Now the event that I am referring to in the quote actually occurred over probably the last 5 days we were physically together. Up to then, I feel like he had been pretty average with being intimate. I'm sure it was frustrating for him at times since I would have a 'freak-out' (I usually ended up just stopping what I was doing) when we had gone too far - but I don't necessarily blame him for this since I did always have the option to opt out, but I didn't. Mainly because I felt like it's something I 'should' be doing (believe it or not, I was getting peer pressured from my family for going too slow with him stare ). However, there's no way I can deny it was him that the faster than I was comfortable with pace. But, since I felt that I was somehow wrong for wanting to be slower, I just went with it. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy myself most of the time. But seriously, I don't think I can actually write what he did (PG13 rule xd ) but let's say it was intrusive, and something that I'd think you'd be best at least asking someone before trying. Or if not, at least sure as hell stopping when they said no. Instead, this was how it went over the course of 5 days: - I said no (several times) - I tapped him on the arm and said no. - I started manoeuvring my leg in such a way as to stop him, and still saying no (I think I started getting annoyed by this point) - Just plain kicking his arm away. - Slapping him on the arm, said no, and I think I may have even pointed at him once (like you do when you're telling someone off) - Final straw: I actually held down both his arms, told him no, and then walked away saying I was no longer in the mood. You'd have thought that would have got it through to him. It did - for about 12 hours stare Fortunately, I went home not long after that. But I did call him out on it when I had gone away for a couple of days and realised just how out of line he was. He had been justifying it saying he was doing it 'for me', so I somehow couldn't see it until I had taken a step back from it all. That's when he told me he had just been curious, and that he'd try to hold back next time. Well, the next time never happened since he ended it a couple of weeks later, so I can't say whether he would have done or not. But yeah, I'm not condemning curiosity here - but seriously it would have taken 2 seconds to tell me about something he wanted to try out as opposed to making me feel like some plaything for him...
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:18 am
Quote: 4. OK, this isn’t going to be about him, but remember you never fell in love with him. Maybe for one moment you could have done it, but then you went off to Spain for 3 months and everything went and magically disappeared. So think about it this way, 8 months and you never fell for him then, so why the hell would it happen a different time? Well today's entry is going to be a short one. Partly because my mum's gone for an operation (nothing major), and partly because I'm not too sure what else I can say that's not already in the quote. Now, the realisation that I was not in love with him came exactly 3 days after the break-up. I had just come back from seeing a friend, and was just aimlessly jumping from thought to thought as I walked home. I have no idea how I came to the conclusion, but when I did it was odd. I felt such a wave of relief. I've only told one person about this realisation - my mother. We are fortunate in that we have a close relationship. I waited until the next day to tell her though since I didn't want to jump the gun and find out the next day I'd just been kidding myself. She couldn't quite get her head around why I called Andrew a lucky SOB for the fact I never fell in love with him. I suppose it's just because this whole thing would have been 100x if I had. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, and I still do. But nothing changed in that manner really from before and after, other than lust just got thrown into the mix. Honestly, I ought to have thought about it sooner. I kept thinking "Well I must be in love with him because of XYZ." I've given out enough advice to know that that's not really how it works stare
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Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:13 am
Quote: 5. He was crap to talk to. Seriously, the amount of times you would be crying in front of your computer screen because he had gone off into his own little world while on Skype. And if you want to say that it was only due to the distance, think again. You wrote a page and a half rant to stop yourself from crying it got so bad when you were actually with him. And that was at the start of the relationship... Since I don't think I've specified, the relationship was a LDR for the majority of the time. We met each in school, and our families are still in more or less the same area, but we were both going to different universities by the time we started going out. Plus, just under 6 months in, I went away to Spain for 3 months as part of my course. This was all set in stone long, long before we started going out. In fact, the fact that he tried to put the distance forward as a reason for breaking up was how I knew there was something more to it - we'd known it would be long distance for, well, years so I struggled to believe that just as we had an opportunity to be short distance for a bit, it was suddenly a problem. Anyway, back to today's point. Since it was long-distance, that meant a lot of time spent on Skype. Mainly IMing though since he was on voice call for an online game pretty much...all the time. I did bring this up several times with him, but even when I suggested we set up Skype call times, he just said "I'm on all the time, so just ask me when you want to call." See, the thing is, I have a big thing of if I feel like the other person doesn't want to do something, I'm not going to push it. Maybe that's setting myself up to be disappointed, but honestly I feel like I don't want to be doing something with someone where they've been hassled into doing it. Especially if it's something as simple as having a conversation. The other issue that came up from this was that I never got his full attention. OK, I sound demanding, but I mean like probably 80% of our conversations were: Me: [statement] Him: lol Me: [statement] Him: kk Me: [question] Him: [shortest answer possible] So yeah, I would try and do this for as long as I could stand before I decided to go do something, or rage quit (by giving some lame excuse to go). There was also quite a few times where messages were just plain missed. He would say it was a 'glitch' and, although I don't think it was the case that he flat out ignored them, I do think they just got lost in the noise of the voice call and the game. Once or twice, I could handle. Enough times though, and I just couldn't take it. I felt like I was fighting with a game for his attention, and losing. I feel like I should say I am not a weepy sort of girl. I don't cry a whole lot, to the point where I am called out for my cold-heartedness. While I was with Andrew, I think I was crying maybe, every 2-3 weeks? I thought I was getting depressed it was getting so bad. Well, maybe I was - all I know is that after a week of being broken up, I started to feel like me again. I just hadn't realised I had stopped feeling like me. Now, to get me through all this trouble, I also would tell myself that it was just the distance. If I waited, we'd be back together, and then it would be OK again. Except it wasn't. In fact, in some ways it was worse. He'd often put headphones on, back to me, and be playing his game for an entire evening. Hell, the entire day even. Don't get me wrong, I do actually like playing games. In fact, I'd usually be on the bed behind him playing on my phone or DS. But again, it was a case of me not wanting to hassle him into being with me if it felt like he was wanting to do something else. And when I told him about this, I pretty much had the same reaction as about Skype - "If you want to do something, ask me and I'll stop what I'm doing." I don't really know who was missing the point here, me or him. I know that I can be too passive, and I really dislike the feeling of being a nuisance. Plus, it wasn't like I always had something in mind, and there was no way I could ask him to stop what he's doing for effectively nothing. At the same time, it wasn't like we saw each other everyday. Even if it was something stupid like both reading books while lying next to each other, at least I felt like we were actually together. But this rarely happened. Instead, I just felt like he was in his own little world. In the end, I kinda think that you should be wanting to spend time with your girlfriend - willingly.
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:04 pm
Quote: 6. He never held you (without other intentions). I know this is a common complaint, but seriously 8 months and you actually can't think of one time. Not even after being intimate. It was either go on and continue with life or... OK when I wrote this, I may have neglected to mention that technically he did hold me for the entire night on the first night we got together. Although you could argue that he did have other intentions, just not fooling around, since he admitted he was just messing around that night. Regardless, I can't think of any other occasion now except for then. When I say it's a common complaint, I mean that it always seem that a lot of women complain about this. Or it goes to the other end of the spectrum, and the guy is practically like glue. I don't really know if this bothers me or not, if I'm honest. I'm not an overly affectionate person, and if he had wanted to be cuddling all the time, I'd have probably got annoyed eventually. It was more of a nuisance, maybe? Snuggle for about 10 minutes, and then it was time to move on. Again, it wasn't like I didn't want to most of the time, it just would've been nice just cuddling every once in a while.
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 2:12 pm
Quote: 7. ...be the big spoon. Every. Single. Time. He wonders why I got fed up in the end. Yeah, today is 2 for the price of 1 day! Or I thought it was just easier to write them together sweatdrop Anyway, maybe this point demonstrates just as much about me as him. I'm not an overly affectionate person, I'm not going to deny this. After being intimate, I wasn't exactly trying to get held. The thought didn't really come into my head if I'm honest. So it was generally get dressed, or go to sleep. The 'get dressed' option never bothered me. The 'go to sleep' one on the other hand...The first couple of times was more shock than anything else. He would grab my arm, and pull it around him. This was a particular shock in my bed, which is a double, since I was also dragged from one side of the bed to the other xd There's nothing inherently bad about being the big spoon every time. Spooning is still spooning regardless. It just ended up feeling so...cold in the end. I'm not sure if it always felt like that - maybe that came with the change in relationship too. Also, I really disliked that I felt like a limpet or something, especially since I always got so cold, and he was nearly always too hot. Oh, and there was always the logistical problem that I can't sleep on my side. It meant that no matter what, I'd have to roll over after a while or wake up with my shoulder in agony. I don't know why I didn't just tell him about my shoulder sooner. Or any of it. He did find out in the end - he asked what was wrong when I had slipped my arm away from him while he was still awake (I'd been waiting for him to fall asleep each night). Actually, I think I should be fair to him, he did spoon me that night instead for a bit, but I think that maybe he felt the same coldness I had felt the whole time. All I know for sure is that was the last night we spent together, and when I kissed him the next morning, I could feel him pull away. I ignored it at the time, of course, but I definitely felt it. It's in the past now, so doesn't matter really though.
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Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:31 pm
Quote: 8. There were in fact several occasions where you considered finishing it. The key point being in January after you saw Simon, when you realised you felt more of a connection with him than your boyfriend of 2 months. And then there was that dream too... I’ve been looking forward to writing this point. Well, ‘looking forward’ is probably the wrong phrase, maybe more...anticipating? The thing with break-ups is, unless both sides have been utterly atrocious to one another, anything done by the dumped person is just forgotten about by nearly everyone it seems. The same thing happened in this case too. This was particularly noticeable with my parents, who went from thinking Andrew to be the best thing ever (and criticising me for my cold ways) to saying how I was always too good for him. The honest truth is that I don’t think I was too good for him. I also don’t think he was too good for me either. We were both equal amounts of bad for each other, that’s all. And the quote above, I think shows one of the times where I was likely in the wrong. But since I was the one who got dumped, it would be forgotten about forever, if it weren’t for the fact that I feel the need to write it out. Let’s start of my explaining the whole me-Simon-Andrew thing. I mean, there’s not a whole lot to explain. Simon was a friend I met at college*, and even though we didn’t actually have any classes together, we ended up eating lunch together nearly every day. I really enjoyed being with him, and it didn’t take long for me to get a pretty big crush on him. The only problem was that no-one else liked him. Well, my best friend tolerated him, and Andrew made it clear to me that, after I had all invited them over for my birthday, he really didn’t like him. In the end, it didn’t actually matter though when I found out that he liked my friend not me. My pride hurt, I stopped talking to him for a while, and we went from insanely close to OK-ish friends by the time I graduated. Really, it was just your average teenage drama. The relevant bit comes 2 years later. I had just come back from Japan, and Simon gets in contact with me again. I already knew this then, but he had applied to the same university as me, and was in the process of completing his first year of Japanese. The problem was that he had failed, and he came to me for advice. In fact, he came to me for advice several times over the summer. It didn’t really take much for old feelings to re-surface. I think people close to me had noticed too since I was being warned off of him again, just like in college. I always found Andrew’s reaction the most interesting though – “If you went out with Simon, I think I’d actually have to stop talking to you.” Yup, he really didn’t like the guy. Anyway, nothing did happen between us. I don’t even think he was interested that way, which really was for the best. My feelings were constantly going backwards and forwards between Simon and Andrew, which would have been no way to go around being with someone. However, skip forward 6 months to the winter term, and I have now been with Andrew for 2 months. Simon is coming to the university to take exams, so I let him stay at my place for 2 nights. First of all, nothing actually happened. If it had, that would put me firmly in the wrong. Andrew knew about Simon staying, and had said he was fine with it. Simon didn’t know about me and Andrew, but we had only been going out for 2 months. I had planned on telling him, but somehow I never managed to tell him, so actually even as of right now, Simon has no idea about me and Andrew. Definitely no point in telling him now. So where is the problem? Well, with my thought and feelings. Before Simon arrived, I really wasn’t too worried about it. I had seen him over the holidays, and didn’t really feel anything. Plus, it had only been 2 weeks since I had last seen Andrew, and I was seeing him the day after Simon left, so I wasn’t worried about craving affection or something like that. The first thing was being able to actually, properly talk to Simon made it glaringly obvious how much the communication between me and Andrew was lacking. In only a few hours, we were having in-depth conversations, while Andrew was IMing on Skype random bits from a comedy show we watched together – and that was probably the most he’d spoken to me since we had last seen each other. I think in the end I told him I couldn’t talk because I was talking to Simon. Maybe harsh, but it was true... The thing was, as soon as I realised this, I started to panic. I shouldn’t be feeling more of a connection with him than my boyfriend. I felt guilty for even thinking it. I know it’s normal to be attracted to other people in a relationship, but not in the honeymoon period really. The next point is kinda stupid, and kinda not. I’m just gonna right it out, and let the stupidity come out for itself. He was staying in my room, so when it hit about 11-12ish, we got ready for bed. I got into my pyjamas, and he got...down to his boxer briefs. Now, I grew up with 2 much older brothers, so I pretty much grew up with guys walking around in not much other than boxers. I’m usually really not bothered at all. But this time I freaked. Mainly because, well, he had seriously been working out, and I had noticed. Basically, I was checking him out. And this scared me a lot. In the end, I grabbed my phone in an attempt to give myself something else to look at xd The final thing was the dream. I’m really not the type of person to put any importance on dreams, but this one I just can’t ignore really. It was the night Simon was staying, so really I already had a lot about him swimming through my mind as I went to sleep. So yeah, there wasn’t really a whole lot to the dream. It was early morning, and I was still asleep (well, my eyes were closed) ad I felt Simon climb into the bed. He wrapped his arms around me, and just held me. I kept my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. I knew I should open my eyes, having a boyfriend and lying in another man’s arms was not really a good thing. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to just stay in his arms a little longer. Pretend I didn’t have a boyfriend, just a little longer. When I woke up, it was with a start. I think I must have stopped breathing or something since the first thing I did was take in a huge gulp of air. And then the guilt kicked in. The rest of the day was…difficult. I was completely on edge, to the point where I freaked out when Simon went to hug me for lending him some money. I just kept telling myself that it would all be fine just as soon as I see Andrew. Well, it was after a day of being with him really. But I still didn’t actually talk to Simon until very recently, after me and Andrew broke up. I guess I was still too scared of those feelings returning. Wow, that post got long surprised I definitely feel better for getting it out of my system since I never told anyone about any of this. *equivalent to the last 2 years of US high school (I think)
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Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 11:09 am
Quote: 9. His inferiority complex. I know one when I see one, and that boy's got one bad. "Well I'm a gamer *smug smile*" I swear if he did that one more time, I was gonna slap him. He always needed to be right. Or better. Which annoyed the hell out of me, especially since I simply had to give up more than once. It’s お母さん、お茶お願いします!! After yesterday's essay, I'll try to keep this to a reasonable length xp When I wrote this point, I still had a lot of anger. Everyone has insecurities, but I still don't think that means it's OK to try putting others down. Although I will confess, I not only have a strong competitive streak, I also feel a need to correct others, so it's possible this came about as a reaction to that. The first part was the games. We both like games, but in general, different types. The issue came in with overlaps in interests. I'll admit, I got a bit butthurt when he beat me hands down at my favourite game, but I feel like it's pretty normal. I love it, and I hadn't really been beaten so badly at it before. But he liked to show off, and often used the excuse above with many things. The thing is, if I beat him at it, I had to have cheated. Sure, he'd admit I'd beat him, but not fairly. Or if he beat a high score (by repeating a level until he did - doing it first time is fair enough), he'd say I just wasn't good enough, even if I explained to him that I don't really play to set high scores, and I only repeat levels once I've completed the game. It's stupid, but since gaming is a big thing for both of us, it wound me up probably...before we even were going out xd Just got worse since we spent that much more time together. Now, the other thing was seriously him. I study Japanese, and am now at a conversational level. All the Japanese he knows is bits I've taught him, and stuff he picked up from anime. I can see that I may have annoyed him, but correcting people is just what I do. So he told me about how he says 母さん、茶お願い which is simply "Tea please mum". The thing is, Japanese is a language that has a large range of politeness and respect, so I said that he should be more polite (in only a semi-serious way). Maybe he took it the wrong way, but he kept pointing out how I was wrong about it, from what he had heard. In the end, I backed down and said that it wasn't important anyway since I just couldn't be bothered making it into a big argument over nothing.
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Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:53 am
Quote: 10. Emotionally, I feel like we were the same. It’s good to be similar about some things (I don’t really think the whole ‘opposites attract’ thing works 100%) but where you’re both closed off, unwilling to open up…it was bound to get ugly sometime. Now there is getting some time between writing my list, and writing the commentaries, some of the points I'm looking at in a more sober light. I really was angry when I wrote it, and the main reason I started was simply to release that anger. I'd already told Andrew about how angry and upset I was (after admitting that he was not over his ex, I sent him a very long, ranty email), but somehow the anger was just not going away. I was starting to hate him for it, and if there was one thing I couldn't bear to do it was hate him. The last time I got like that, I pushed away an amazing friend, and it still hurts me that I couldn't get over my anger for the sake of the friendship. I didn't want to do that again. Wow, went off at a bit of a tangent there...Anyway, the point I was making was that even now, my feelings haven't changed on this point. The thing is, being emotionally similar, it meant we were amazing friends. We both kinda got that neither of us were into talking out our feelings. When he would turn up at my house after having a fight with his dad, and all I'd do is smile, make him a cup of tea, and then we'd game/watch a movie. He'd distract me if I was having any problems, or when I was in a bad mood (cos if there was one thing he was good at, it was reading my emotions like I'm a book). In a relationship though, this is well...awful. Neither of us were discussing our problems. And when the problem was the other person...it just got even worse. Like the week I stayed, he could tell something was upsetting me, I could tell that he knew, but neither of us were willing to talk about it. When we finally did, it all seemed so stupid. I mean, I nearly burst into tears just asking him if we could watch some television together. So yeah, this is one thing I am taking away with me for next time. Maybe I'll go to the other extreme, insisting we need to be like open books to each other. But honestly, I'd rather that than sticking with how I am at the moment, because that clearly doesn't work.
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Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:47 pm
Quote: 11. You never really felt supported by him, which I always found odd since he was a supportive person of nearly everyone else it seemed. For reference, you telling him about your dad. Yes, you didn’t tell him the whole story (glad about it too now), but he brushed it off like nothing and it always felt like he didn’t want to even be part of it. You cried on and off for 2 days as well when you first told him. Yup, this is true. OK, I'm not exactly open - this is a point I think can almost be assumed by now - but the times I did try to open up, he just seem so...underwhelmed. Going off into the deep end and making things out to the most important thing in the world would have been equally annoying, but sort of some concern would have been nice. Now, I wrote my dad as a reference point. My dad is an incredibly complex issue for me. I considered telling Andrew everything, I wrote out this long email detailing it all. But it never got sent. I decided that it was too much at once, so, after about 6 months of going out, I told him simply this. My dad has a mixture of mental illnesses, so he can sometimes be quite reliant on me. I suppose I did over-simplify it. Andrew didn't even understand why he needed to know this, so I quickly said it may mean my dad doesn't take too well to the relationship, which wasn't a lie exactly, I didn't know what my dad would think, but I was sure he would freak out. I didn't think it would mean the end of the relationship or anything (not that that's what I said either...but I suppose it could sound that way) So yeah, after I told him this, and he seemed not really to care, I did cry. I was still crying when I thought about it the next day. I didn't even want to talk to him on Skype on anything. The only thing that calmed me down was my mum having a talk with me, saying that in reality, explaining the impact of my dad on me and my life doesn't really come across to anyone that hasn't actually experienced it. See, the thing is, my dad spent most of my childhood making my mum and my (half) brother's life a living hell through his psychological bullying. My mum recovered eventually, but I don't think my brother will ever get over it, and he's never forgiven me for being my father's daughter. Being bought up with that guilt (since my dad has never truly acknowledged his behaviour, I've always felt the need to make up for it), plus being the emotional crutch for my dad ever since the divorce...well, maybe it's easy to see why I didn't want to unload all this onto Andrew at once. But at the same time, I did. I wanted to feel like there was someone else who could understand, and be there for me. Maybe I was a little unfair to him, testing him with only a fraction of the information, but I don't think anyone can blame me for doing that. And maybe if he had shown a little more support for me, I wouldn't have felt like I didn't want to open up. Because that's all that happened after this.
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