A little help please?

[YippieKiKaye]

I have identified myself as bisexual for seven years. I was in seventh grade, as crazy as that sounds, when i first began being attracted to both sexes, and have now been out of high school for a year. Ive discovered I am a lesbian and im pretty confused about it because i am engaged to the man i have been with for over a year. I still love him dearly, but i am no longer sexually attracted to him. This makes me even more confused though,because it brings up the question of whether or not i ever was in the first place. I've known for a few months now but i cant bring myself to telll him because i dont want to hurt him and i dont want to be hurt, but im more depressed than i ever have been before trying to hide the fact and smother it away. Can anyone tell me what i should do? This is killing me, but i dont know how to handle this situation. Any advice would be great.  

[sandrock_buck]

thorn821

Okay, you've been together for over a year, and you're already engaged? I don't mean to sound rude, but isn't that a little quick? I would not have gotten engaged that swiftly.

Moving on, you still love him, but you feel no sexual attraction. Have you tried spicing it up in the bedroom? Roleplay, BDSM, toys, there are a plethora of things that can get you both "in the mood" so to speak. It could also be just that you haven't gotten used to having a single partner for a long period of time. I'm not talking about cheating, just staying with a single person for an extended period of time has sort of confused your body. It thinks that there will be someone new, but there isn't, so it's trying to make you move on.

My advice is to stay with him a bit longer. See if it persists for a month, maybe even two. Don't sit idly by though, try new things in the bedroom, see what turns him on and show him what turns you on, experiment. Talk about these feelings, marriage counseling is NOT a bad thing, it can bring an outside opinion into a confusing situation that can help you two stay together and stay happy.  

[YippieKiKaye]

Jonstalker62

I know that it seems like a fast move to get engaged, but we knew each other throughout high school, and we are very comfortable with one another. (or at least i was until recently) It's not just sexual attraction for him that i dont feel either, its any kind of attraction for the opposite sex that i dont feel, other than friendship. And I have put a lot of thought into trying to spice things up, but even the thought of having sex with him now it a little weird to me. Sorry if this is TMI, but we had sex about a week or so ago, and i just kinda felt...gross(?) afterward. Im trying to stay with him, i love him more than i have ever loved anyone, but its hard when I continually feel like i shouldnt be with a man.  

[Esiris]

thorn821

Jonstalker62

I know that it seems like a fast move to get engaged, but we knew each other throughout high school, and we are very comfortable with one another. (or at least i was until recently) It's not just sexual attraction for him that i dont feel either, its any kind of attraction for the opposite sex that i dont feel, other than friendship. And I have put a lot of thought into trying to spice things up, but even the thought of having sex with him now it a little weird to me. Sorry if this is TMI, but we had sex about a week or so ago, and i just kinda felt...gross(?) afterward. Im trying to stay with him, i love him more than i have ever loved anyone, but its hard when I continually feel like i shouldnt be with a man.

It's possible to be Biromantic, but homosexual- which means that if you wanted sexual fulfillment you would either have to agree with him to practice some kind of ethical non-monogamy or leave him.

Those are really the only two options that won't end in psychological and emotional injury to yourself and long-term feelings of betrayal for him.  

[Esiris]

Jonstalker62

Okay, you've been together for over a year, and you're already engaged? I don't mean to sound rude, but isn't that a little quick? I would not have gotten engaged that swiftly.

My Annette and I were engaged within 3 days of meeting face to face- sometimes love is love and there's no sense in denying it. cat_3nodding  

[PeachPunk]

Relationships aren't all about sex. Ask yourself if your feel gross about sex with him or just sex altogether. You and your fiance sound like you have a good relationship with or without sex.  

[Purple Robot Queen]

Esiris

Jonstalker62

Okay, you've been together for over a year, and you're already engaged? I don't mean to sound rude, but isn't that a little quick? I would not have gotten engaged that swiftly.

My Annette and I were engaged within 3 days of meeting face to face- sometimes love is love and there's no sense in denying it. cat_3nodding

I was thinking this same thing. There are lots of happily married couples who get engaged much faster than 1 year.

As for the issue at hand, it seems like you really need to sit down and have a discussion with him about the nature of the situation, and then the two of you can figure out together how to handle it. I know that is easier said than done, but if you get married without saying a word about alternative sexual outlets, he's going to regularly want sex which you won't want. So either you'll give it and be miserable or withhold it and he'll be miserable.  

[YippieKiKaye]

Jonstalker62

thorn821

Okay, you've been together for over a year, and you're already engaged? I don't mean to sound rude, but isn't that a little quick? I would not have gotten engaged that swiftly.

Actually, 8 to 10 months is the average amount of time couples are together when they start thinking about marriage. My fiance and I got engaged on our one year anniversary.  

[Esiris]

Sunshine Peach-Heart

Relationships aren't all about sex. Ask yourself if your feel gross about sex with him or just sex altogether. You and your fiance sound like you have a good relationship with or without sex.

I'm pretty sure that without sex people can undo marriages without divorce or anything- so while relationships aren't all about sex, sex is a part of marraige and it isn't fair for her to know she's not interested in him sexually when he would be expecting sex as part of their marriage.  

[PeachPunk]

Esiris

Sunshine Peach-Heart

Relationships aren't all about sex. Ask yourself if your feel gross about sex with him or just sex altogether. You and your fiance sound like you have a good relationship with or without sex.

I'm pretty sure that without sex people can undo marriages without divorce or anything- so while relationships aren't all about sex, sex is a part of marraige and it isn't fair for her to know she's not interested in him sexually when he would be expecting sex as part of their marriage.

True. I simply meant that sex is not the focus of marriages and people shouldn't view it as such. Traditionally speaking, marriage is the only time sex is "acceptable", although in today's day in age, that's not really the case anymore.
To the OP: I would suggest you talk to your fiance about it. Try not to hurt his feelings. Just say something like, "I love you, but I feel weird about sex. I don't really know why." And I saw someone else in this thread mention couples therapy, and I'd totally go for that if I were you.  

[Esiris]

Sunshine Peach-Heart

True. I simply meant that sex is not the focus of marriages and people shouldn't view it as such. Traditionally speaking, marriage is the only time sex is "acceptable", although in today's day in age, that's not really the case anymore.
To the OP: I would suggest you talk to your fiance about it. Try not to hurt his feelings. Just say something like, "I love you, but I feel weird about sex. I don't really know why." And I saw someone else in this thread mention couples therapy, and I'd totally go for that if I were you.

I don't think she should lie to him- she knows why she's not interested in him sexually- she isn't into guys. cat_stare

I think it is starting to feel like people are ignoring that she identifies as a lesbian and are trying to "fix" her instead of fixing the problem- she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't fit her sexual attraction spectrum.  

[PeachPunk]

Esiris

Sunshine Peach-Heart

True. I simply meant that sex is not the focus of marriages and people shouldn't view it as such. Traditionally speaking, marriage is the only time sex is "acceptable", although in today's day in age, that's not really the case anymore.
To the OP: I would suggest you talk to your fiance about it. Try not to hurt his feelings. Just say something like, "I love you, but I feel weird about sex. I don't really know why." And I saw someone else in this thread mention couples therapy, and I'd totally go for that if I were you.

I don't think she should lie to him- she knows why she's not interested in him sexually- she isn't into guys. cat_stare

I think it is starting to feel like people are ignoring that she identifies as a lesbian and are trying to "fix" her instead of fixing the problem- she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't fit her sexual attraction spectrum.

It wouldn't be "lying" because she still loves him, just in a more platonic way. She shouldn't crumble him right away and say "I think I'm a lesbian so I don't know if I can be with you." Just start off vaguely--"I feel weird about sex." Don't go into too many details. Tell him you want to go to couples therapy. If you decide that you can no longer be his fiancee because you realize you are not bisexual after all, so be it. But don't tell him you are gay right away and leave him. Go to therapy, get to know him, get to know yourself, get to know this situation.
At least, that's what I would do.  

[Esiris]

Sunshine Peach-Heart

It wouldn't be "lying" because she still loves him, just in a more platonic way. She shouldn't crumble him right away and say "I think I'm a lesbian so I don't know if I can be with you." Just start off vaguely--"I feel weird about sex." Don't go into too many details. Tell him you want to go to couples therapy. If you decide that you can no longer be his fiancee because you realize you are not bisexual after all, so be it. But don't tell him you are gay right away and leave him. Go to therapy, get to know him, get to know yourself, get to know this situation.
At least, that's what I would do.

I think that telling her to say she doesn't know why when she does is lying- and why on earth would her being a lesbian mean she feels weird about sex?!


I really don't see any difference between you saying she should try and force herself to be bisexual and settle into a heterosexual relationship than the people who say they can "Pray The Gay Away!"

Look- I know ending relationships can be hard- and even more so when you like the person but it just isn't going to work, but everything you're posting comes down to lying, manipulation and is really pretty anti-gay because it undermines someone who already understands their identity.  

[PeachPunk]

Esiris

Sunshine Peach-Heart

It wouldn't be "lying" because she still loves him, just in a more platonic way. She shouldn't crumble him right away and say "I think I'm a lesbian so I don't know if I can be with you." Just start off vaguely--"I feel weird about sex." Don't go into too many details. Tell him you want to go to couples therapy. If you decide that you can no longer be his fiancee because you realize you are not bisexual after all, so be it. But don't tell him you are gay right away and leave him. Go to therapy, get to know him, get to know yourself, get to know this situation.
At least, that's what I would do.

I think that telling her to say she doesn't know why when she does is lying- and why on earth would her being a lesbian mean she feels weird about sex?!


I really don't see any difference between you saying she should try and force herself to be bisexual and settle into a heterosexual relationship than the people who say they can "Pray The Gay Away!"

Look- I know ending relationships can be hard- and even more so when you like the person but it just isn't going to work, but everything you're posting comes down to lying, manipulation and is really pretty anti-gay because it undermines someone who already understands their identity.

I get how you may think that, but we're all some breed of queer around here or are LGBT allies and we really mean no harm. It really kind of comes down to personal opinions here. If I were to be in her situation, I personally wouldn't set him off with that huge burden right away and say "I'm a lesbian so I don't want to force myself into a heterosexual relationship when I know that's not what I want." I just feel he might get really disappointed and hurt. If I were to break up with him, I personally don't feel as if I should set him off with two pieces of huge news. Breakups alone can hurt pretty bad, and finding out the person is breaking up with you in the first place because they are not sexually attracted to you is even worse. If I were dating a guy and he broke up with me because he was actually gay I would be pretty upset, and I'd feel the same if I were dating a girl who broke up with me because she was straight. It would mean there would be no second chances for anything romantic ever again with that person. As a sensitive person, sometimes my head gets wrapped up too much in how other people feel and I only tell people the information that seems less bad. Not to say I'll never tell them the worse information, I just think they should process the original information first and not have this overload of disappointing news.
I wasn't trying to come off as "trying to cure her gay" or anything. I'm bisexual myself. If I were one of those people who thinks homosexuality can be cured I obviously wouldn't be here. I just recommended couples therapy and such for the sake of his feelings, not to try to convince her that she is not a lesbian.  

[Esiris]

I need to break this up because there are approaches to things that are just as important as the things themselves- so please bare with me.

Sunshine Peach-Heart

I get how you may think that, but we're all some breed of queer around here or are LGBT allies and we really mean no harm.

I think it is important to understand that just because we don't mean harm doesn't mean we won't cause it- in this really cool NP I work for, we look at not only the intention of our actions, but also their impact.

And both sides are accountable for both- which means we have to be really thougthful before we act, and we also have to be responsible when how we have acted creates a bad situation. Likewise, the people on the other side of the fence need to think about people's intentions- which is why I don't think your intention was to cause harm or anything, and it doesn't make you a bad person, but it also doesn't mean that encouraging someone to lie is ethical.

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It really kind of comes down to personal opinions here. If I were to be in her situation, I personally wouldn't set him off with that huge burden right away and say "I'm a lesbian so I don't want to force myself into a heterosexual relationship when I know that's not what I want." I just feel he might get really disappointed and hurt. If I were to break up with him, I personally don't feel as if I should set him off with two pieces of huge news. Breakups alone can hurt pretty bad, and finding out the person is breaking up with you in the first place because they are not sexually attracted to you is even worse. If I were dating a guy and he broke up with me because he was actually gay I would be pretty upset, and I'd feel the same if I were dating a girl who broke up with me because she was straight. It would mean there would be no second chances for anything romantic ever again with that person.

I think people need to get OK with the fact that other people may not give them a second chance when it comes to relationships- it doesn't matter if someone has a 1 strike rule when it comes to violence, if they have standards about their lifestyle, drug use or if they happen to have found out that their partner isn't on their attraction spectrum- the idea that just because someone would feel bad that means people who are LGBT should closet themselves to make their exes feel better does a lot of harm- it shows that they can't be who they are even with people who say they love them.

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As a sensitive person, sometimes my head gets wrapped up too much in how other people feel and I only tell people the information that seems less bad. Not to say I'll never tell them the worse information, I just think they should process the original information first and not have this overload of disappointing news.

But I don't think it's right to conflate "less bad" with outright lies.

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I wasn't trying to come off as "trying to cure her gay" or anything. I'm bisexual myself. If I were one of those people who thinks homosexuality can be cured I obviously wouldn't be here. I just recommended couples therapy and such for the sake of his feelings, not to try to convince her that she is not a lesbian.

Couples therapy only works when the people should be a couple- if a lesbian is dating a guy she doesn't want a sexual relationship with, then all the therapy isn't going to change the fact that she's not compatible with her.

If he needs help with his feelings- he can go to therapy designed to help him, not designed for a couple.