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 Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 5:36 pm
Last year in August one of my best friends committed suicide. It's hard to face it sometimes and there's a lot I don't want to accept. I try to avoid thinking about it because it makes it all seem less real but there's always those moments where it just hits me that she's gone and won't be coming back. Those moments are always the worst and it takes a lot to hold it all in. My mom is angry at her for killing herself. But I can't bring myself to be angry with her, just sad.
Around the same time, my best friend who I knew since kindergarten blamed me for all her problems but instead of just talking to me and working things out, she has her mom tell me that I've been a bad influence on her and that I'm the cause for all of her actions. I had told her a while back to let me know if I ever say anything to hurt her or make her uncomfortable but she never said anything. Then out of the blue her mom send me an email saying that she thinks Rachel (the girl) should take a "break" from me, but I know what that really means and it hurt to have someone who was like another mom to me tell me that. Rachel hasn't spoken to me since then and I always wonder if she's feeling as bad as I am. There's a lot more to this story, but I don't know how to put it all down on here.
I just want to let both of them, so that it won't hurt so much anymore. But how do I? They both had a huge impact on my life and I feel like there's this big empty void in me now. I know it's impossible to fully heal from something like this. But how do I start letting go of the past? How do I recover from it?
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:17 pm
First off, I have to say that I am so sorry about your loss. I know how hard it is. I lost my grandpa last year, and sometimes I actually believe he's alive until I stop and realize "No. No, he isn't." It still hurts a little, but the impact is lifted a bit.
And I don't think your mom should be angry at her for killing herself. I'm in no place to judge, but I do know that if she went to the extremes of committing suicide, something was going on. I don't think it's her fault, necessarily. I don't mean this in a harsh way, but I think it the people that made her feel like she needed to commit suicide's fault. She probably was hurting inside. If she really though out the choice, I believe she's happier there than she would be here. Things change, I know, and she may have become something great eventually. But the way she felt then probably outweighed that hope.
Don't be too sad, though. To be blunt, people die. I know it's hard and you always have to remember that she's really gone, but I think she'd like you to remember her as the happiness she brought you rather than her last choice.
And I'm going to sound harsh now, but if your friend blamed you for all your problems and made her mom call you a bad influence and the cause for all her actions, is she really being a good friend? I know so many people that are great people to be around, but the second something goes wrong you're the one to blame and they turn into something completely different than they were a few seconds ago. They're not the best people, honestly. I was their best friend at one point, but they treated me so horribly I eventually said "That's enough" and went to be friends with people that are really my friends.
She might not actually be like that, but that's just my experiences.
Honestly, though, I think it's Rachel's choice. If she decides she doesn't want to be around you anymore and that everything the two of you's been through since kindergarten isn't worth it anymore, then I wouldn't go stressing about it. It's hard because you've know each other so long, but I know it'll be worth it. After this, do you really know she still likes you, or just wants to keep another friend?
I've moved many times in my life, I had to leave people and enter other people's lives. It strikes me so hard how the people I used to be best friends now probably wouldn't recognize me on the street anymore, and I probably wouldn't recognize them. Everyone I used to be so close with are probably the same people that if we were in the same room it'll be hard to keep a conversation because I rarely (if ever) talk to them anymore.
So what I'm trying to say is you can let them go. Eventually, they won't be on your mind 24/7 and everything will be easier. They'll always be there, but they won't be the first thing you think about waking up. Everything comes with time.
For now, though, I would say do some things you enjoy and maybe meet new people. That way, you can get your mind off them while doing something you like (unless you hate meeting new people, then I'm sorry).
I would be drinking coffee and curling up in front of my computer to watch Youtubers make me smile, but that's just me.
I'm not sure if that helped at all, or if you read what I said and did not agree with me at all, because this is your situation. I hope it helped, though. All I can say is good luck. <3
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:34 pm
Thank you, and it did help. I honestly don't know what else to say about my friend anymore, but you have given me good advice and it helps some. As for Rachel, I think I ignored all the bad parts of her because she was so important to me. But I think I learned a lesson from her and from others before her.
Once again, thank you very much for your advice~
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:35 pm
It will be 2 years in September in my situation just like yours. I only knew him for 3 days. the 3 day is when he pulled it. that same day my friend said we were no longer friends . All I did was be her friend and she knew I was a Christan. I had invited her to church and her mom said some some hurtful things and what she thought about Christians. That is when my faith went down for awhile. It is hard at times and I completely understand how it is losing a friend and a friend dieing. I am praying for you.
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:38 pm
Firefly Rhapsody Thank you, and it did help. I honestly don't know what else to say about my friend anymore, but you have given me good advice and it helps some. As for Rachel, I think I ignored all the bad parts of her because she was so important to me. But I think I learned a lesson from her and from others before her.
Once again, thank you very much for your advice~
I'm glad it helped. <3
Thanks so much for sharing. I know how hard it can be to put those words out.
I wish you the best! <3
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 8:02 pm
MiracleRayray2 It will be 2 years in September in my situation just like yours. I only knew him for 3 days. the 3 day is when he pulled it. that same day my friend said we were no longer friends . All I did was be her friend and she knew I was a Christan. I had invited her to church and her mom said some some hurtful things and what she thought about Christians. That is when my faith went down for awhile. It is hard at times and I completely understand how it is losing a friend and a friend dieing. I am praying for you. Thank you~
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 8:03 pm
Spottedteddybears Firefly Rhapsody Thank you, and it did help. I honestly don't know what else to say about my friend anymore, but you have given me good advice and it helps some. As for Rachel, I think I ignored all the bad parts of her because she was so important to me. But I think I learned a lesson from her and from others before her.
Once again, thank you very much for your advice~
I'm glad it helped. <3
Thanks so much for sharing. I know how hard it can be to put those words out.
I wish you the best! <3
Thanks~
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