Well, Like the title says.. I'm not sure what to do.. I would normally post something like this on my tumblr, but I'm to panicked to even do that. I'm having a lot of issues and I'm not sure what to do.
Ok, first off, I've liked this guy for a while, I've talked about him before as well, asking for guidance as well. Anyways, he found out from his "Little Sister" that a guy confessed to me on New years. I didn't want him to know until i could talk to him fully about it. After finding out he came to me started asking me a lot of questions, and each one hurt a lot, He then told me to go out with the guy that confessed. It hurt even more, like a bullet to the chest. I kept going over in my head "Me and Daniel could never work. He lives in France, I live in California.. He's a teacher now.. And I'm going to be a college student... We have different times... I should just give up on him.." I kept thinking and thinking, and decided to go out with Vincent (The guy who confessed). Problem is. I was unhappy. So was he. We ended it, it was barely a week being together. I still really like Daniel, but a lot of people are telling me to give up those feelings. I'm hating it because I'm falling for Vincent, but he's an a**. Yes, I said it. He's an a**. He's a sadist nudest a**. But even if he ignores me, And forgets that I want to talk, or barely speaks to me. He is also kind to me. I talk to other people about him, hoping they can give me some advice. Everyone who I speak to him about all tell me to drop him, they say he's a douche and an a**, and that he is lame. Yes, he can be a douche and an a**, but he's not that mean. He's just always busy.. I guess, I was just being to naive and hoping he'd pay attention to me more.
Secondly, I've been having really bad panic attacks, and I keep crying and stressing over the littlest of things. I'm thankfully no longer suicidal, but I've been really depressed, I keep listening to sad songs, love songs, and such, happy up tight songs just make me worst. But so does the sad songs.. I feel like I'm going down a dark road. I keep thinking of things I've done, I'm afraid to actually admit it but I will because I trust this guild.
You see, I'd go on cam nude for men, I hated my body, and other people enjoyed it... So i did it to make them happy. I regret ever doing that... But now I've done it again with Vincent. You see, He LOVES sex... I'd say I was a prude, But I'd masturbate, i honestly hate that I do... My Online "Mom" also bought me a glass toy (I've been trying to hide it from my family because that would be extremely awkward to explain why I own one). I hate anything sexual, I really do, But I tease people as well, which is really wrong of me. I feel bad after I tease people because it's not very nice. I've been hating myself more and more.. and not really caring for my looks / hygiene either. My face is getting covered in pimples, I've also haven't been able to shave my legs / armpits for a while. I've also been avoiding being active, as in physically. My mom and sister talks about how i can get blood clots and can seriously hurt my body, To be honest, I would really mind it. I know that seems really stupid.. But I keep having dreams of me getting in accidents, being hospitalized, or getting overly sick and being hospitalized, or me loosing my memory and not remembering anyone at all. To be honest, I really really want to loose my memory.. So I don't have to remember all the pain I've gone through,
Vincent tells me to tell him these things.. But I'm so scared to vent to people.. I'm scared of being judged.. I'm just scared in general.I'm scared to let people in and past my walls. If I let people in.. I'll hurt all over again. I wanted to change since it's 2013.. But I'm scared to move forward.. I'm scared to leave my safe haven...
I was in love with two guys.. One, I sadly forget his real name. I met him on a game called Ragnarok online. We met on Wolf RO. He had a younger brother named Danny... He's also the reason why I go by Danie, instead of Dani, His RO name was Jin Shiro.. He lived in San Fransisco, while I lived in Apple Valley (very far away from each other). You see.. He was a college student, and I was barely starting Middle school. We would talk on AIM, our computer at that time crashed, and I lost all my information.. I haven't spoken to him in years. But I still think of him. I have a feeling he's off and married and has children already. But a part of me wishes we could be together again.
The second guy I loved, still love honestly, His name was Hayden, he was shot and killed, and was buried on Valentines day 2012. He turned 22 soon after that.. I really miss him.. And I hate that I've been so unhappy since he pasted.. I feel like I can't be truly happy because I lost him.. Because he was the second guy to ever truly be good to me. All my past relationships, I've been cheated on and left. I've been used, No one truly loved me like him.. It scares me so much, because I KNOW I wont find someone like him ever again. He was against all sexual acts. He was old fashioned. He wanted to ask my parent (My mom obviously) for their permission to date me.. He wanted to take me to dinner, to see a movie, to the amusement park.. He wanted to pick me up, drive me home, Open the door, help me over a puddle.. He was a TRUE Gentleman. Guys like that don't actually EXIST anymore.. Or from what I've seen they don't. It bothers me so much.
And Now I'm crying..
I feel so empty and lost.. I want to dig a hole and stay there.. Shield myself from the light and stay in the darkness.. I'm so lonely and sad... and all I do is cry...
Ok, first off, I've liked this guy for a while, I've talked about him before as well, asking for guidance as well. Anyways, he found out from his "Little Sister" that a guy confessed to me on New years. I didn't want him to know until i could talk to him fully about it. After finding out he came to me started asking me a lot of questions, and each one hurt a lot, He then told me to go out with the guy that confessed. It hurt even more, like a bullet to the chest. I kept going over in my head "Me and Daniel could never work. He lives in France, I live in California.. He's a teacher now.. And I'm going to be a college student... We have different times... I should just give up on him.." I kept thinking and thinking, and decided to go out with Vincent (The guy who confessed). Problem is. I was unhappy. So was he. We ended it, it was barely a week being together. I still really like Daniel, but a lot of people are telling me to give up those feelings. I'm hating it because I'm falling for Vincent, but he's an a**. Yes, I said it. He's an a**. He's a sadist nudest a**. But even if he ignores me, And forgets that I want to talk, or barely speaks to me. He is also kind to me. I talk to other people about him, hoping they can give me some advice. Everyone who I speak to him about all tell me to drop him, they say he's a douche and an a**, and that he is lame. Yes, he can be a douche and an a**, but he's not that mean. He's just always busy.. I guess, I was just being to naive and hoping he'd pay attention to me more.
Secondly, I've been having really bad panic attacks, and I keep crying and stressing over the littlest of things. I'm thankfully no longer suicidal, but I've been really depressed, I keep listening to sad songs, love songs, and such, happy up tight songs just make me worst. But so does the sad songs.. I feel like I'm going down a dark road. I keep thinking of things I've done, I'm afraid to actually admit it but I will because I trust this guild.
You see, I'd go on cam nude for men, I hated my body, and other people enjoyed it... So i did it to make them happy. I regret ever doing that... But now I've done it again with Vincent. You see, He LOVES sex... I'd say I was a prude, But I'd masturbate, i honestly hate that I do... My Online "Mom" also bought me a glass toy (I've been trying to hide it from my family because that would be extremely awkward to explain why I own one). I hate anything sexual, I really do, But I tease people as well, which is really wrong of me. I feel bad after I tease people because it's not very nice. I've been hating myself more and more.. and not really caring for my looks / hygiene either. My face is getting covered in pimples, I've also haven't been able to shave my legs / armpits for a while. I've also been avoiding being active, as in physically. My mom and sister talks about how i can get blood clots and can seriously hurt my body, To be honest, I would really mind it. I know that seems really stupid.. But I keep having dreams of me getting in accidents, being hospitalized, or getting overly sick and being hospitalized, or me loosing my memory and not remembering anyone at all. To be honest, I really really want to loose my memory.. So I don't have to remember all the pain I've gone through,
Vincent tells me to tell him these things.. But I'm so scared to vent to people.. I'm scared of being judged.. I'm just scared in general.I'm scared to let people in and past my walls. If I let people in.. I'll hurt all over again. I wanted to change since it's 2013.. But I'm scared to move forward.. I'm scared to leave my safe haven...
I was in love with two guys.. One, I sadly forget his real name. I met him on a game called Ragnarok online. We met on Wolf RO. He had a younger brother named Danny... He's also the reason why I go by Danie, instead of Dani, His RO name was Jin Shiro.. He lived in San Fransisco, while I lived in Apple Valley (very far away from each other). You see.. He was a college student, and I was barely starting Middle school. We would talk on AIM, our computer at that time crashed, and I lost all my information.. I haven't spoken to him in years. But I still think of him. I have a feeling he's off and married and has children already. But a part of me wishes we could be together again.
The second guy I loved, still love honestly, His name was Hayden, he was shot and killed, and was buried on Valentines day 2012. He turned 22 soon after that.. I really miss him.. And I hate that I've been so unhappy since he pasted.. I feel like I can't be truly happy because I lost him.. Because he was the second guy to ever truly be good to me. All my past relationships, I've been cheated on and left. I've been used, No one truly loved me like him.. It scares me so much, because I KNOW I wont find someone like him ever again. He was against all sexual acts. He was old fashioned. He wanted to ask my parent (My mom obviously) for their permission to date me.. He wanted to take me to dinner, to see a movie, to the amusement park.. He wanted to pick me up, drive me home, Open the door, help me over a puddle.. He was a TRUE Gentleman. Guys like that don't actually EXIST anymore.. Or from what I've seen they don't. It bothers me so much.
And Now I'm crying..
I feel so empty and lost.. I want to dig a hole and stay there.. Shield myself from the light and stay in the darkness.. I'm so lonely and sad... and all I do is cry...
