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 Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 4:09 am
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I posted this on the Facebook page. But This isn't just the only thing..
I really hate this feeling.. I keep seeing all these couples around town, and around the internet.. I feel so jealous of them.. I even tried out some dating sites again. But I failed to really accept them so I removed my accounts.. I guess I just want a handsome guy, Tall, Some what thin, and actually works in a nice business or something... I know.. I'm picky.. But I can't help it.. I just miss feeling like I mattered to someone.. Even though I got rid of Vincent.. I think of him from time to time. I know he was in an abusive sense.. But he was hot like the type of guys I like... *sighs and slumps over* Guys should like me though.. I'm plain, I'm against sex and all the other sexual things. I have glasses, I don't do much, I'm still in high school though I'm almost 19. People say shy girls are cute.. But Most people don't like shy girls. Girls like me.. Most of the time.. I feel like I don't deserve to have some that I can say is mine. Every relationship I've ever been in.. Well, it failed.. I could never be happy, specially since they'd all cheat on me, or say bad things about me, then leave me. They only ever liked me because I had a caring heart. Maybe I should just stop caring so much and stop being nice. Seems like guys like bitches (excuse my language). I haven't met a single guy who hasn't thought with his member, and who looks for just nice girls like me. I know I said I'd wait until I was actually ready. But I've been ready.. I had such strong feelings for someone. Though I keep pretending it was just a "phase" but it really wasn't. But it was one sided.. Everything is always one sided... Guess I should just give up..
I'm always trying my hardest in everything. Though my mom doesn't think I do. She's called me lazy. A lot of people do. Yes, I don't go outside as much as I should, but I can't help it. I'm afraid to. I mean like, every time I do, some laughs at me, looks at me and whispers to their friends. I'm scared of people, and it makes it worst since I have a really bad anxiety when i get in large crowds. I really want to do better in life, but it's so hard. And I blush so easily.. It makes things difficult. I can't even talk to a guy correctly now after what happened when I lived in Napa. After that. I've been so awkward around guys.
My health is also pretty bad. I have a really bad issue with my intestines. Like.. well, it's embarrassing. But I have hemorrhoids, really bad ones. And like, my muscles aren't that great. We're still unsure what is exactly wrong with them. But It's hard to do things. But I know part of is it becuase I don't exercise enough.
Right now, all I keep doing is listening to love music, and music bout romance, and love, or even sad romance music.. I can't help it. I'm just feeling depressed. And that's making me stressed. I'm so very stressed my shoulders and neck hurt. I keep having dreams about meeting a handsome guy, or dreaming of things I could make better, or things I want to do. But I just can't. None of my clothes fit me, well none of my pants. I only have dresses and skirts that fit me. And my breast are getting bigger, but anything below that, it's not very appealing. I have a stomach, I really hate it. I miss having no stomach, but If i exercised more, I think it would reduce a little. But then I'd have stretch marks.
I guess I'm just complaining.. I can't help it.. I have so many emotions I jsut want to spill out here.. But I can't at the same time. I hate it when people judge me. I don't think any of you would, but still, I have horrible trust issues, and it scares me. If I say any more, I just have a feeling everyone would laugh at me, and think badly of me... I just want to cry now too. But I can't. People in my family always judges me, and thinks differently of me. I can't cry.. But I guess, in a way, I'm doing better since I'm not suicidal anymore. But I wont lie, I have thought of ending it.. but I refuse to let it get the better of me..
Ugh.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm so lost.
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:15 am
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I SHALL TALK TO YOU MADAM.
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE MADAM.
I'll just go paragraph by paragraph.
Men like bitches?
Well, boys like bitches.
And I see few bitches with a ring on their finger.
You're not being picky. You just know what you want, and it's not that far out of reach. When I have dreams of things they happen. Maybe a bit differently, but still. It'll happen, slowly, but surely.
Shyness, anxiety and bashfulness to me are all signs of past wounds. Wounds that either haven't been treated for properly, or began to heal and reopened. I have no idea what has happened in your past, but you have to solve it. You have work through it fully. Don't shove it aside and try to pretend that it never happened. Work and work and work through it until you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are not the victim anymore, and you can always rise above that. Sure, healed wounds turn into scars. But one can have the power over how ugly the scar is.
About your health, there's not much you can do about it until the doctors diagnose it and give you the proper medication/treatment. But there is something you can do about your weight. Set goals, and achieve them. When going through hell, don't stop! Even though the world says no, you must say yes. And I promise you, when you lose that weight, stretch marks won't matter. No, the benefits physically and mentally will be just too great to frown upon. And on a side note, perhaps applying some sort of oil or lotion could increase the plasticity of your skin, preventing stretch marks. I've see lots of commercials for things like that. I don't know if they work, but it's worth the try~
That's not complaining, that's letting things out. You've been holding it in for so long, girl. No human can hold that much strain forever. It's impossible. And you can cry. Because before you start to fill up your body and mind with positive things, you must release the negative. Judging someone is just showing a sign of inner weakness. I know it hurts, it hurts really bad. It hurts when people judge you before they get to know you. When they take one clip from your life movie and probe it, finding everything they can wrong with it, and completely ignoring the rest. When strangers try to steal, and smother the little flame steadily growing inside of you. I know that. All of that. And I know how hard it might be to do this, but you have to, have to keep going.
When you're lost like this, you won't get a map.
But that's perfect because you don't need one.
Just follow your own path, march to the beat of your own drum.
You'll get to paradise, after a few steps.
But you have to take the first~
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:37 am
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I would never judge someone on how they look or act.
Guys are just plain jerks and they just want to rush things to the sensual parts but this is not the perfect man. We all reflect on the past seeing that it was better but I don't know, people just change and sometimes it is for the best. Trust me when I say this; the people that like shy girls are also shy so it's kinda cute in a way.
Most relationships kinda don't end up well, but those guys that you've been with just don't understand the sweet, charming, beautiful girl you really are. Don't stop caring and being nice for they are just two of your many wonderful qualities you possess. I once had a crush on a guy but I was rejected for it was one sided, but that didn't stop me to give up. Just give it time, for life constantly changes if you wish it to.
I believe you are a hard worker, and if you do too then that is all that matters. It is what you think first, and then the others. You might have had a bad experience long ago but taking a few steps will improve your anxiety. I go outside and listen to mostly music for it colours my world and you can try that and see if it works ( it helps with ignoring the others around you and their actions.) Just start slowly for going outside, like go locally with your mum somewhere for a while and see how that goes ( like window-shopping just ideally walking around without a care, or for a quick errand.)You should try yoga. Do the easy poses and its relaxing and it counts for exercise too.
You aren't complaining, I think this makes you more human for sharing your emotions to others. You might feel like it's a slow ride right now, but you are still young and have plenty of time to find your perfect real man.
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:56 am
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Melodies From Heaven I SHALL TALK TO YOU MADAM.
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE MADAM.
I'll just go paragraph by paragraph.
Men like bitches?
Well, boys like bitches.
And I see few bitches with a ring on their finger.
You're not being picky. You just know what you want, and it's not that far out of reach. When I have dreams of things they happen. Maybe a bit differently, but still. It'll happen, slowly, but surely.
Shyness, anxiety and bashfulness to me are all signs of past wounds. Wounds that either haven't been treated for properly, or began to heal and reopened. I have no idea what has happened in your past, but you have to solve it. You have work through it fully. Don't shove it aside and try to pretend that it never happened. Work and work and work through it until you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are not the victim anymore, and you can always rise above that. Sure, healed wounds turn into scars. But one can have the power over how ugly the scar is.
About your health, there's not much you can do about it until the doctors diagnose it and give you the proper medication/treatment. But there is something you can do about your weight. Set goals, and achieve them. When going through hell, don't stop! Even though the world says no, you must say yes. And I promise you, when you lose that weight, stretch marks won't matter. No, the benefits physically and mentally will be just too great to frown upon. And on a side note, perhaps applying some sort of oil or lotion could increase the plasticity of your skin, preventing stretch marks. I've see lots of commercials for things like that. I don't know if they work, but it's worth the try~
That's not complaining, that's letting things out. You've been holding it in for so long, girl. No human can hold that much strain forever. It's impossible. And you can cry. Because before you start to fill up your body and mind with positive things, you must release the negative. Judging someone is just showing a sign of inner weakness. I know it hurts, it hurts really bad. It hurts when people judge you before they get to know you. When they take one clip from your life movie and probe it, finding everything they can wrong with it, and completely ignoring the rest. When strangers try to steal, and smother the little flame steadily growing inside of you. I know that. All of that. And I know how hard it might be to do this, but you have to, have to keep going.
When you're lost like this, you won't get a map.
But that's perfect because you don't need one.
Just follow your own path, march to the beat of your own drum.
You'll get to paradise, after a few steps.
But you have to take the first~
This made me cheer up a little. Thank you. And most of what you said, I know, I need to do it. I DO set goals, but then stray from them becuase I don't have the motivation. I even made goals for this year, But I just ended up from straying from them because I saw no point. I've been feeling that lately. Like there's no point in anything I do. But I put on a smile, and act like everything is okay. Because so many people, who actually know the real me, they treat me so badly. And Like are always trying to change me. I don't want to be changed. I just want to be happy again. But everything I do, it just gets worst all over again. I don't know how to be happy anymore. I feel like, If I'm happy, It'll ruin everything. The one guy I really truly loved, he was shot and killed. I haven't found real happiness since then. I haven't been able to feel it. I think I feel it, but then it's just another illusion.
But all in all, I'm not sure. I think I just need to sleep more. |
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 9:53 am
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:48 pm
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okay then, maybe you shouldn't think to hard about going into a relationship. you are young, go experience the world as it is; get off dating sites. maybe get out of your shell little by little. i know it's hard, but seriously, it'll help. guys like self confidence, not bitchiness.
also, guys are jerks, ok? i have had my fair share of jerks, but i kept my chin up and persevered, and you can too! you really can. i swear. if you stop focusing on trying to get a male, they'll come to you.
the couples everywhere... well in real life anyway, it's hard to watch all of them when my own boyfriend is so far away from me. goddamit, i just want to shoot everyone in the head because of it. i hate being alone.
when you have feelings for someone,i don't care who you think you are, go to them and tell them. ok? so what if you get rejected? i would rather live a life filled with "so whats" than "what ifs"
it's hard to find romance. i know. read shojo manga, cry it out, embrace yourself, and just have fun, dude,
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:07 pm
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tanqela okay then, maybe you shouldn't think to hard about going into a relationship. you are young, go experience the world as it is; get off dating sites. maybe get out of your shell little by little. i know it's hard, but seriously, it'll help. guys like self confidence, not bitchiness. also, guys are jerks, ok? i have had my fair share of jerks, but i kept my chin up and persevered, and you can too! you really can. i swear. if you stop focusing on trying to get a male, they'll come to you. the couples everywhere... well in real life anyway, it's hard to watch all of them when my own boyfriend is so far away from me. goddamit, i just want to shoot everyone in the head because of it. i hate being alone. when you have feelings for someone,i don't care who you think you are, go to them and tell them. ok? so what if you get rejected? i would rather live a life filled with "so whats" than "what ifs" it's hard to find romance. i know. read shojo manga, cry it out, embrace yourself, and just have fun, dude,
I'm not actually searching for a relationship. i'm just jealous of people... And I agree with the shooting people. I just wanna smack people some times.
But thank you. This has made me feel a little better. And I do read those types of Mangas. And I watch anime to make me cry too haha.. I'm such a nerd XD.
and I'll try to get out of my shell, slowly, but surely. |
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:09 pm
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O w l - C h a n tanqela okay then, maybe you shouldn't think to hard about going into a relationship. you are young, go experience the world as it is; get off dating sites. maybe get out of your shell little by little. i know it's hard, but seriously, it'll help. guys like self confidence, not bitchiness. also, guys are jerks, ok? i have had my fair share of jerks, but i kept my chin up and persevered, and you can too! you really can. i swear. if you stop focusing on trying to get a male, they'll come to you. the couples everywhere... well in real life anyway, it's hard to watch all of them when my own boyfriend is so far away from me. goddamit, i just want to shoot everyone in the head because of it. i hate being alone. when you have feelings for someone,i don't care who you think you are, go to them and tell them. ok? so what if you get rejected? i would rather live a life filled with "so whats" than "what ifs" it's hard to find romance. i know. read shojo manga, cry it out, embrace yourself, and just have fun, dude, I'm not actually searching for a relationship. i'm just jealous of people... And I agree with the shooting people. I just wanna smack people some times. But thank you. This has made me feel a little better. And I do read those types of Mangas. And I watch anime to make me cry too haha.. I'm such a nerd XD. and I'll try to get out of my shell, slowly, but surely.
i assumed cos dating sites. when they make out right in front of you? that irks me. like seriously, get a ******** room.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CRY TOGETHER SOMETIME.
have you read kimi ni todoke? if not, read it! |
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:11 pm
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tanqela O w l - C h a n tanqela okay then, maybe you shouldn't think to hard about going into a relationship. you are young, go experience the world as it is; get off dating sites. maybe get out of your shell little by little. i know it's hard, but seriously, it'll help. guys like self confidence, not bitchiness. also, guys are jerks, ok? i have had my fair share of jerks, but i kept my chin up and persevered, and you can too! you really can. i swear. if you stop focusing on trying to get a male, they'll come to you. the couples everywhere... well in real life anyway, it's hard to watch all of them when my own boyfriend is so far away from me. goddamit, i just want to shoot everyone in the head because of it. i hate being alone. when you have feelings for someone,i don't care who you think you are, go to them and tell them. ok? so what if you get rejected? i would rather live a life filled with "so whats" than "what ifs" it's hard to find romance. i know. read shojo manga, cry it out, embrace yourself, and just have fun, dude, I'm not actually searching for a relationship. i'm just jealous of people... And I agree with the shooting people. I just wanna smack people some times. But thank you. This has made me feel a little better. And I do read those types of Mangas. And I watch anime to make me cry too haha.. I'm such a nerd XD. and I'll try to get out of my shell, slowly, but surely. i assumed cos dating sites. when they make out right in front of you? that irks me. like seriously, get a ******** room. MAYBE WE SHOULD CRY TOGETHER SOMETIME. have you read kimi ni todoke? if not, read it!
Only tried out dating sites becuase I wanted to make friends haha..
And omg yes! It's made me cry so many times. I even watched the anime D; |
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:12 pm
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O w l - C h a n tanqela O w l - C h a n tanqela okay then, maybe you shouldn't think to hard about going into a relationship. you are young, go experience the world as it is; get off dating sites. maybe get out of your shell little by little. i know it's hard, but seriously, it'll help. guys like self confidence, not bitchiness. also, guys are jerks, ok? i have had my fair share of jerks, but i kept my chin up and persevered, and you can too! you really can. i swear. if you stop focusing on trying to get a male, they'll come to you. the couples everywhere... well in real life anyway, it's hard to watch all of them when my own boyfriend is so far away from me. goddamit, i just want to shoot everyone in the head because of it. i hate being alone. when you have feelings for someone,i don't care who you think you are, go to them and tell them. ok? so what if you get rejected? i would rather live a life filled with "so whats" than "what ifs" it's hard to find romance. i know. read shojo manga, cry it out, embrace yourself, and just have fun, dude, I'm not actually searching for a relationship. i'm just jealous of people... And I agree with the shooting people. I just wanna smack people some times. But thank you. This has made me feel a little better. And I do read those types of Mangas. And I watch anime to make me cry too haha.. I'm such a nerd XD. and I'll try to get out of my shell, slowly, but surely. i assumed cos dating sites. when they make out right in front of you? that irks me. like seriously, get a ******** room. MAYBE WE SHOULD CRY TOGETHER SOMETIME. have you read kimi ni todoke? if not, read it! Only tried out dating sites becuase I wanted to make friends haha.. And omg yes! It's made me cry so many times. I even watched the anime D;
i haven't watched the anime yet! i want to though!
oh. awk. xD |
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:15 pm
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