Hi everyone! My name is Angel and I used to have journal on here... it was a journal of very depressing and not nice things. Since I started that one my life has changed dramatically. My friend Isis Wife Of Osiris suggested that I make a new one now that all that is behind me and I agree that that is a great idea. To start I suppose I should tell you a bit more about me. I am 27 and I live in Idaho. I'm a survivor of domestic abuse (7 long years of it). I've been homeless and bounced from place to place. I've gotten stronger since I started my old journal. There was a time I could never see myself being happy again and boy was I wrong. I suppose I could start at the beginning (though I'm sure at least a few of you know the story already).
My mother passed away when I was 19 years old. I had just gotten a really great job doing something I know she was proud of me for. I already had a long history of being with abusive men, sad but true. Her death left me devastated and alone and that is when one of my "friends" from middle/high school came back around. R, as we will call him, showed up at my house one day about three months after my mom passed away. He said he was sorry. I fell for him. Things were pretty good at first, though there were warning signs I should have read and taken into account. That's neither here nor there. I'm not going into details... there are plenty in my old journal. I just had to make a mention of it so I could tell you guys where I've wound up since then. That was December 2006 -- fast forward to November 2013 and the day I decided I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been planning for at least a week... everything was in place. I had tricked R into letting me keep all my clothes in the suitcase. I calmly and quietly tucked away things I wanted to take that I didn't think he would miss between those clothes. My friend bought me a ticket and a cab and the minute the cab showed up I bolted, with my suitcase, out the door. There was a higher power looking out for me that day, as he was in the bathroom and his dad was in the back of the house. His dad's girlfriend was at the front but she was deaf and didn't ask me any questions. I don't know what sort of chaos ensued after I left but I can image. I went to the bank and cashed the check his uncle had sent me (since I was basically forced to sell my house to him) and then headed to the Greyhound station. This was the first of my many, many bus trips. I was headed to South Carolina. I went to stay with some friends, staying with them for about a month and a half. I was extremely anti-social and hid in my room on my phone all day. They really, really didn't like that. At one point one of them questioned if what I said about R was really true... which hurt immensely. I was still wounded and not ready to take on the world... but they decided they didn't want me there for one reason or another (which we won't go into, just know it was bullshit) so I got in touch with my older sister Summer. I had only ever seen Summer once or twice in my life but she was still my sister and begged to let me let her help me. So... in January I got on a Greyhound and headed off to Tampa, FL. At first things weren't too bad... she lived in a hotel room with her boyfriend who worked there to pay for the room. We went places and did things and it wasn't too awful. Then the owner found out I was there and forced me to work housekeeping and front desk in order to pay for me staying there. As if that wasn't enough, Summer was bipolar and going off her meds (as she apparently often did). Her boyfriend Willie was extremely abusive to both her and me. I got to a point where I would cry to my best friend every night about how awful it was. I would hide in the bathroom (which they would b***h about).... and stay up all night (which they would also b***h about). I wound up at the ER one day because my kidneys were bothering me. I came "home" and started searching for food and Willie asked me what I was doing. I told him I hadn't eaten all day and was looking for something to eat. He told me it was good for me to not eat since I was so fat. At this point I was nearly my final breaking point with them. Summer had degraded into "Everyone is trying to kill me.. they're stabbing me with needles, YOU'RE stabbing me with needles". I was laying there with my phone when she grabbed it from my hand and started hitting me... she punched me and choked me. She left a big scratch. Long story short, I left after that (should have pressed charges but I didn't) and went to the local homeless shelter (This was in February. I had lived with her for a little over a month). Things weren't bad there. Walking everywhere sucked but I still got that $400 a month from R's uncle so I managed to buy a bus pass and some other things I needed. I wound up with a job as a Telemarketer, which I absolutely hated. One of my friends from TN told me if I would come stay with her and her girlfriend she could get me a job working at Amazon with her. She made it sound way too good to pass up and I was really, really sick of being homeless. So I got on the Greyhound again and made my way back to Tennessee. (March) On the way, my wallet, with ids and money got stolen. That was a set back. When I got there I got the distinct feeling that her gf did not like me almost immediately. I didn't get the job with her needless to say. One of my friends was going to move to IL so I agreed moving there with her would be my best course of action. Unfortunately, that didn't happen quite fast enough. One day (in April) my friend told me they had to take their kids clothes shopping and there wasn't room for me. The plan was to drop me off at the park and come back and get me. Two hours later I get a text saying "Hey, we can't come get you, just thought we'd let you know." Thankfully R's uncle had given me a payment so I could buy a ticket to anywhere at this point if I needed to. He also came and picked me up, took me to their house (which was 2 hours away) to get my stuff and dropped me of at my Bio mom's house. I stayed with her for about 2 weeks before she told me I had to get out because she was afraid she'd get evicted for me being there. I went and stayed at the mission in Nashville, which I despised because they didn't let you have your phone in the building past a certain time. Having a phone after you weren't allowed to have one for so long is a big, big deal. I started smuggling my little cell phone (which I got in FL) in and leaving my big one on my locker. Eventually I got ahold of my ex (Charlie) and his wife and they let me come stay with them for a few weeks while I was waiting for my time to leave. I had purchased a ticket to Portland to be near my best friend. We both figured that if I had to be homeless at least I could be homeless near someone who actually cared about me. That fell apart though, when her husband said I didn't have my s**t together and he didn't want me anywhere near her or their children. I was devastated naturally and now I had a ticket I had paid all this money for and couldn't use. I didn't want to stay in TN. She suggested I make my way to Boise ID. She had some friends here who could offer moral support at least. She lived here for 8 years and said it was a great place to start over... so in May I left TN and got on a Greyhound once more. Coming to a city you know nothing about and no one in is rather terrifying, however it was far better than staying in TN. I got here May 13th. I applied for Food Stamps... got in at the local shelter (which also didn't allow cellphones... BLEH) and started applying for jobs. There was a call center... Xerox... my best friend used to work there. I applied and got hired on May 28th. It was the first job I had applied for. Originally I had decided to be Customer Care. This required me to start June 3rd, however the classes started at 5am. Having no transportation I decided this was not a very wise move and asked to be moved to the Tech Support classes (June 9th - starting in the afternoon instead). I was told that wasn't a problem. Soon after I got a call from someone saying that my background check hadn't come back and they were going to place me in the June 9th classes (which is what I had requested anyway). My background check finally came back and so in I went on June 9th. I had no problem finding a ride back to the shelter, met a girl in my class who agreed to take me. A few days later she offered Wade rides as well. This was pretty much my first and mostly only contact with him at this point. We would talk a little bit in the car on the way home but mostly we were still distant. I don't really think I had developed a crush on him at this point but the longer we went along the more I started to like him. Eventually our teacher put us in a seating chart... and sat me next to Wade... and we talked a lot more... and that was that... I was hooked and liked him a lot... I gave him my number... he called me on June 28th (which was his birthday and the day I moved into the place I was staying -- a halfway house for $350/month... was much better than the shelter at the time). anyway... I asked him if he wanted to do something sometime outside of work and he said yes. We decided on a movie and had our first date July 5th. We went to see A Million Ways To Die In The West. It was hilarious... and he held my hand... put his arm around me... and kissed me. And we went out the next weekend... and the weekend after that... I went to his house for my birthday... we had Tacos and Ice Cream... I met his aunt... met his family... I like them all, they all like me. I go to his house every weekend at this point. Eventually one night he comes home and his aunt's cat ninjas out past him. His aunt is a crazy cat lady. She LOVES her cats. She flips out and tells him he has a week to find a place... so we wound up stressing out over finding a place. She finally gave him longer. We found the place we are living now and signed our lease on September 19th. We've been living together for nearly a month now and things couldn't be better. I've just had my wisdom teeth out and he stayed up all night with me when I was in pain last night (before I had it pulled -- it was infected). He is such a wonderful man and I'm very lucky to have met him. I can't believe how far I've come or how well we are doing. I'm so very happy for a change and that's wonderful. Anyways... enough of my rambling! Have some pictures, leave a comment, etc etc. Its very nice to see you all!
Oooh, a fresh new journal thread to mess up... rofl
That was a HELL of a lot to put up with, hon emotion_hug I'm so happy that your life is getting back on track! heart
Heheh feel free to mess it up as much as you want <3 emotion_hug Thanks! I'm trying really hard to get it together.
Pickled Cactus
aw the last bit made me smile. i'm so sorry to hear all that you've went through, but it's definitely inspiring knowing that you're happier now!
Thank you for the kind thoughts. It was really difficult. A lot of people call me inspiring or say I'm amazing... I still don't see it or feel that way at all....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry its taken me so long to get back on here guys. Life has been crazy hectic. I work 40 hours a week now. Its super stressful. A good thing about my job though is that I finally get insurance and so I am able to take care of my medical issues. One of my longer term problems has been my back... which is getting worse lately.
Recently, I have started talking to my younger sister, the one that isn't crazy. We never got along when we were younger but lately we've been getting closer and I'm really glad for it. Also, she's let me in on some key pieces of information lately.
For example, she has Lupus and a specific gene called HLA-B27. Basically, autoimmune issues.
HLA-B27, is genetic and causes a lot of problems... specifically very specific types of arthritis -- ankylosing spondylitis, psoriatic arthritis, and/or reactive arthritis. Any of these could account for a large amount of the pain I suffer in my back and other regions of my body.
I also have massive headaches on a daily basis, massive fatigue, randomly break into hives, and have had trouble going to the restroom in the past (urination, sorry if that is tmi).
The other night I wound up in the ER for chest pain and shortness of breath and was diagnosed with Costochondrosis. This is basically inflammation of the ribs. Doctors don't know what causes 40% of the cases but this is also linked to the HLA-B27 gene.
Today I went to my doctor. Today I had blood drawn for tests. I'll know the results in a week. Waiting sucks. If I do test positive for any of these things I will most likely be sent to a Rheumatologist to figure out exactly what is going on and to formulate a treatment plan. Long term, the most severe cases of Lupus can cause death.... but its getting rarer and rarer. I am hopeful, although I think I will just be happy knowing what is causing all my current issues.
About Lupus:
"In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs ("foreign invaders," like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues ("auto" means "self") and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body."
On the other side of the spectrum, Wade is the sweetest man I've ever been with. He has a crazy sense of humor but he more than makes up for it most of the time and when he upsets me he apologizes. He always calls me beautiful or sexy etc, etc. He is always kind to me. I'm so not used to it. Earlier today he was mad at me because I snapped at him (I'm in pain and hormonal because of my period on top of it). He basically told me that he's going to get mad at me because he's only human and I'm going to get mad at him too... ... but he promises to never go to bed angry with me. We sacred pinky promised. He says he understands I was in a relationship where someone being mad at me was held over my head for probably weeks or years... but he's not going to do that and he wants me to let it go. I'm trying. I still have some scars and things to work past but I honestly believe if anyone can make this work, we can.
Anyways, I'm so tired... I think I will probably go off and rest... though knowing me I'll just wind up doing other things... bleh.... off I go.
Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 9:58 pm
-Whimsical Stardust-
Isis Wife Of Osiris
Oooh, a fresh new journal thread to mess up... rofl
That was a HELL of a lot to put up with, hon emotion_hug I'm so happy that your life is getting back on track! heart
Heheh feel free to mess it up as much as you want <3 emotion_hug Thanks! I'm trying really hard to get it together.
Pickled Cactus
aw the last bit made me smile. i'm so sorry to hear all that you've went through, but it's definitely inspiring knowing that you're happier now!
Thank you for the kind thoughts. It was really difficult. A lot of people call me inspiring or say I'm amazing... I still don't see it or feel that way at all....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry its taken me so long to get back on here guys. Life has been crazy hectic. I work 40 hours a week now. Its super stressful. A good thing about my job though is that I finally get insurance and so I am able to take care of my medical issues. One of my longer term problems has been my back... which is getting worse lately.
Recently, I have started talking to my younger sister, the one that isn't crazy. We never got along when we were younger but lately we've been getting closer and I'm really glad for it. Also, she's let me in on some key pieces of information lately.
For example, she has Lupus and a specific gene called HLA-B27. Basically, autoimmune issues.
HLA-B27, is genetic and causes a lot of problems... specifically very specific types of arthritis -- ankylosing spondylitis, psoriatic arthritis, and/or reactive arthritis. Any of these could account for a large amount of the pain I suffer in my back and other regions of my body.
I also have massive headaches on a daily basis, massive fatigue, randomly break into hives, and have had trouble going to the restroom in the past (urination, sorry if that is tmi).
The other night I wound up in the ER for chest pain and shortness of breath and was diagnosed with Costochondrosis. This is basically inflammation of the ribs. Doctors don't know what causes 40% of the cases but this is also linked to the HLA-B27 gene.
Today I went to my doctor. Today I had blood drawn for tests. I'll know the results in a week. Waiting sucks. If I do test positive for any of these things I will most likely be sent to a Rheumatologist to figure out exactly what is going on and to formulate a treatment plan. Long term, the most severe cases of Lupus can cause death.... but its getting rarer and rarer. I am hopeful, although I think I will just be happy knowing what is causing all my current issues.
About Lupus:
"In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs ("foreign invaders," like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues ("auto" means "self") and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body."
On the other side of the spectrum, Wade is the sweetest man I've ever been with. He has a crazy sense of humor but he more than makes up for it most of the time and when he upsets me he apologizes. He always calls me beautiful or sexy etc, etc. He is always kind to me. I'm so not used to it. Earlier today he was mad at me because I snapped at him (I'm in pain and hormonal because of my period on top of it). He basically told me that he's going to get mad at me because he's only human and I'm going to get mad at him too... ... but he promises to never go to bed angry with me. We sacred pinky promised. He says he understands I was in a relationship where someone being mad at me was held over my head for probably weeks or years... but he's not going to do that and he wants me to let it go. I'm trying. I still have some scars and things to work past but I honestly believe if anyone can make this work, we can.
Anyways, I'm so tired... I think I will probably go off and rest... though knowing me I'll just wind up doing other things... bleh.... off I go.
hopefully you'll be okay! or even if you do have lupus, that a treatment plan could be created for you. i was thought to have lupus a couple of years ago with swelling of my fingers, they tested me and my double-stranded DNA came up suspicious, but so far i've been lucky enough to not have any other symptoms for it. also i just love the communication going on between you two. <3
Oooh, a fresh new journal thread to mess up... rofl
That was a HELL of a lot to put up with, hon emotion_hug I'm so happy that your life is getting back on track! heart
Heheh feel free to mess it up as much as you want <3 emotion_hug Thanks! I'm trying really hard to get it together.
Pickled Cactus
aw the last bit made me smile. i'm so sorry to hear all that you've went through, but it's definitely inspiring knowing that you're happier now!
Thank you for the kind thoughts. It was really difficult. A lot of people call me inspiring or say I'm amazing... I still don't see it or feel that way at all....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry its taken me so long to get back on here guys. Life has been crazy hectic. I work 40 hours a week now. Its super stressful. A good thing about my job though is that I finally get insurance and so I am able to take care of my medical issues. One of my longer term problems has been my back... which is getting worse lately.
Recently, I have started talking to my younger sister, the one that isn't crazy. We never got along when we were younger but lately we've been getting closer and I'm really glad for it. Also, she's let me in on some key pieces of information lately.
For example, she has Lupus and a specific gene called HLA-B27. Basically, autoimmune issues.
HLA-B27, is genetic and causes a lot of problems... specifically very specific types of arthritis -- ankylosing spondylitis, psoriatic arthritis, and/or reactive arthritis. Any of these could account for a large amount of the pain I suffer in my back and other regions of my body.
I also have massive headaches on a daily basis, massive fatigue, randomly break into hives, and have had trouble going to the restroom in the past (urination, sorry if that is tmi).
The other night I wound up in the ER for chest pain and shortness of breath and was diagnosed with Costochondrosis. This is basically inflammation of the ribs. Doctors don't know what causes 40% of the cases but this is also linked to the HLA-B27 gene.
Today I went to my doctor. Today I had blood drawn for tests. I'll know the results in a week. Waiting sucks. If I do test positive for any of these things I will most likely be sent to a Rheumatologist to figure out exactly what is going on and to formulate a treatment plan. Long term, the most severe cases of Lupus can cause death.... but its getting rarer and rarer. I am hopeful, although I think I will just be happy knowing what is causing all my current issues.
About Lupus:
"In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs ("foreign invaders," like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues ("auto" means "self") and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body."
On the other side of the spectrum, Wade is the sweetest man I've ever been with. He has a crazy sense of humor but he more than makes up for it most of the time and when he upsets me he apologizes. He always calls me beautiful or sexy etc, etc. He is always kind to me. I'm so not used to it. Earlier today he was mad at me because I snapped at him (I'm in pain and hormonal because of my period on top of it). He basically told me that he's going to get mad at me because he's only human and I'm going to get mad at him too... ... but he promises to never go to bed angry with me. We sacred pinky promised. He says he understands I was in a relationship where someone being mad at me was held over my head for probably weeks or years... but he's not going to do that and he wants me to let it go. I'm trying. I still have some scars and things to work past but I honestly believe if anyone can make this work, we can.
Anyways, I'm so tired... I think I will probably go off and rest... though knowing me I'll just wind up doing other things... bleh.... off I go.
hopefully you'll be okay! or even if you do have lupus, that a treatment plan could be created for you. i was thought to have lupus a couple of years ago with swelling of my fingers, they tested me and my double-stranded DNA came up suspicious, but so far i've been lucky enough to not have any other symptoms for it. also i just love the communication going on between you two. <3
I'm sure I will... right now it just sucks because the Costochondritis can last up to 12 weeks and the medicine they gave me for it is wreaking its side effect havoc on me.... >.< I'm sure tired right now...Don't really feel like posting a lot...thank you for your input and I'm glad you're okay so far. I really do like our dynamic too I must admit... I love him too much for my own good.
Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:06 am
I'm really glad that things worked out in the right place and at the right time for you. If you had applied for a job in any of those locations, I bet you would have gotten it and been on your feet in no time. You seem like an intelligent and resilient woman.
It's great to hear you've found such a great, mature guy. As humans, it can be difficult to understand our emotions. It is important to be able to feel them and to deal with them.
Thanks for sharing, looking forward to more posts!
I'm really glad that things worked out in the right place and at the right time for you. If you had applied for a job in any of those locations, I bet you would have gotten it and been on your feet in no time. You seem like an intelligent and resilient woman.
It's great to hear you've found such a great, mature guy. As humans, it can be difficult to understand our emotions. It is important to be able to feel them and to deal with them.
Thanks for sharing, looking forward to more posts!
Thanks, perhaps you are right.Thanks for thinking highly of me. smile In SC I was still shell shocked from my experiences and terrified of the world, I suppose that isn't really a great excuse as to why I never applied to a job but it was my reason.
Florida, when I lived with my sister, she told me I didn't have to have a job... I could stay with them and not worry about anything for a while... maybe get back into school... then I was forced into a job.. and when I eventually left I DID find a job... though I hated every minute of it. I remember not wanting to go every morning.
Tennessee, I applied to the job with my friend's gf but I never got it and my wallet had been stolen so by the time I got another ID I had figured out I REALLY didn't want to stay in Tennessee. By the time they left me in the park and I wound up in Nashville I had figured out that I REALLY, REALLY didn't want to stay in TN.
I was aiming for Portland and wound up here. I was tired of moving from place to place at this point and really wanted life to work for a change. The job I am at now is the first job I applied for here (I feel like a broken record lol) and poof... here I am... about 5 months later (from when I arrived)... with a great boyfriend who I love deeply... a house... a new comfy mattress.... things are definitely looking up. I am not too keen on my job atm... its a strain mentally... but I'm working on getting back into school for something else (though I don't know what). Perhaps time will tell, as it has for everything so far it seems.
I appreciate you reading my journal here. Thanks for replying. <3 smile
Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:16 pm
I'm happy you're doing so much better emotion_hug I'm of the thought that most of your current health problems are post-stress reactions. Hopefully it will all go away in time.
I'm happy you're doing so much better emotion_hug I'm of the thought that most of your current health problems are post-stress reactions. Hopefully it will all go away in time.
emotion_hug Thanks hon. I got my results back and they were all negative. I'm shocked on the HLA one but relieved. Now I still have to figure out at least what is causing all the back problems and numbness in my feet. Have an appointment with an internist on November 7th... so hopefully they can figure it out.
Wade and I got into it the other night. Basically, we got off work and I started bringing up buying milk, what was for dinner, and how we were getting to and from work the next day.
Wade flipped out (silently), spent the last of his money on McDonalds, acted very coldly (to me, nice to everyone else), and called potential rides.
After we got home, he insisted we eat before talking about it. After we ate, he told me that he lost his temper, but I worry too much,am negative, and its draining on him. He says if its that draining on him he can't imagine what its like for me. He lost his cool and bought the McDonalds to prove a point (which he soon after admitted was a very bad idea). He said he wants me to at least try and relax more.
After that incident I went and hid in the spare bedroom (before we talked about it of course) and he said he thought I had left... I told him I wouldn't leave... he said everything ends... I don't feel that way about us and I told him so. He's still the best man I've ever dated... even if our first "fight" was strange, one sided, and rather silly... and I love him. So unless he starts pulling straight up a*****e, controlling, sort of moves, then I have every intention of sticking this out.
Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 10:30 am
-Whimsical Stardust-
Well, unlike he who will not be named, Wade is actually capable of talking things out like an adult. This is good.
The thing is, I think Wade doesn't grok that thanks to everything you've been through, your mind has been trained to expect bad things. Hell, I wouldnt be surprised if you get diagnosed with full-blown PTSD.
Wade needs to understand it's going to take time for you to not automatically go downhill in your thinking, but I feel he's trying.
I'm glad you're keeping an eye out for unacceptable behavior emotion_hug I don't ever want you to end up with another creep.
Well, unlike he who will not be named, Wade is actually capable of talking things out like an adult. This is good.
The thing is, I think Wade doesn't grok that thanks to everything you've been through, your mind has been trained to expect bad things. Hell, I wouldnt be surprised if you get diagnosed with full-blown PTSD.
Wade needs to understand it's going to take time for you to not automatically go downhill in your thinking, but I feel he's trying.
I'm glad you're keeping an eye out for unacceptable behavior emotion_hug I don't ever want you to end up with another creep.
He does. He is very adult like. He tries very hard to make our relationship work, as do I.
I don't think he grasps it either but he's just trying to be helpful and loving. He doesn't want me to be upset and worried all the time. I think that's pretty noble.
I wouldn't be surprised on the PTSD thing either. Certain triggers shut me down. sad
Yea.... I don't want that either... I especially don't want that from Wade... it would break my heart.
