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Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2014 3:23 pm
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My 22nd birthday is coming up on December 2nd and I've decided to kill myself that day. I am going to jump off the cliffside above our beautiful fly fishing spot because that's where I would have wanted my ashes spread.
I am 20 weeks along, due March 25th. I wanted to wait until after delivery, maybe pump breast milk to help with the cost of infant formula, but I don't know how much more I can take. I was let go after missing too much work due to a pregnancy complication that put me in the ER several times (I was too weak and delirious to fill out FMLA paperwork on time, if you're curious, and the medical leave request was accepted two days after I was fired.) I was in line for a promotion, my supervisor and coworkers liked me, I worked well with customers, made decent sales bonuses, etc. We are now both unemployed, barely making it, living in my in-law's (who are also struggling financially with their business) basement while I continue to make mistake after mistake after mistake. I am evil and selfish and weak. I lose my temper easily and hurt the ones I love with vicious cruel words I never meant. I don't ever want sex even though it's always immensely enjoyable; my husband feels unwanted, unmotivated, and undesirable. Yet I don't have a bad life, compared to others, and am grateful for what we have...but deep down I want to be done. I don't know why I'm telling you girls this. I guess because there's no else to turn to in my own private hell. I smile and laugh with friends, do well at college, follow along in worship at church, and cry quiet tears to a god who could never fix me.
I don't feel an immense attachment to the life growing inside me, named Amelia Joy. I am nervous and anxious and know that I would make an inadequate mother. I find no excitement over the baby things on Craigslist that my mother in law obsesses about.
Thank you for your time, for reading this, for understanding or not understanding. You are beautiful and wonderful and will have an amazing fulfilling life.
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Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2014 5:15 pm
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emptyhearse Please don't do this. I know life can be hard, and sometimes you think that dying is a better option than staying alive, but it isn't. Please reconsider. Talk to someone. Get some help. There are people out there that can help you. Gaia has a list of phone numbers and websites you can contact here. Scroll down to 'Safety', click, and then go to 'Suicide Prevention Information'. Know that people care about you, even though you don't think there are. It'll be okay. heart
Thank you. What's worse is that I do have people who care. My husband, my family, my friends. But I can't talk to them about this. They don't understand or don't take it seriously. I've called the suicide hotline numerous times but hang up once I get connected, or try to chat with someone and quickly close out the window. Maybe I'm taking up time from someone else who deserves the help more, or someone that might be thinking about hurting someone else too (I can't comprehend that.) I don't know.
I got an offer to return to my job but will be declining it for various reasons. My husband is supportive of my decision but I can tell he's disappointed - we have no income and very little left in savings. What's more is that I didn't realize that I had been on the employer insurance all this time. I will probably be charged the premiums while I had been on leave (I don't know yet, I haven't called to put in my notice.) We can't afford it. Looking at the FMLA policy the company will not pursue recovering health insurance benefits from my husband if I'm gone.
I am going to buy three or four bottles of Tylenol and wine once the snow melts and the roads clear tomorrow. Not the surest way to go but I'm just done.
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Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2014 5:28 pm
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Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 4:22 am
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Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 5:38 pm
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Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2014 1:54 am
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Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2014 8:19 am
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 9:22 am
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