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 Posted: Sat Sep 28, 2019 9:49 pm
This is a solo RP between Nise-e (Nayci), and her familiar Xander (Nayci)Warning: The solo RP within deals with triggers of PTSD and suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, I advise against reading.----------  Time has a way of healing wounds. At least, the physical ones. The mental ones take much longer. Sometimes years, maybe a millennia. Nise-e, for all her hopes, dreams, desires, and vitality, still had more fear than anything in her life thus far. Even now the night terrors would keep her awake at night. Sweat dripping down her spine, making her cold. Made even worse when the seasons began to shift. It chilled her to the bone. In more ways than one in seemed.
Xander, her wonderful, and loyal friend, confidant, and familiar, had almost died protecting her all that time ago. Yet, even now, in the present time, he was still suffering from those wounds. He was lucky enough that the blow did not kill him. He could still fly, just not long distances. In a herd where flight is worshiped and required, this did little to give Nise-e a breath of ease. She was lucky enough that most did not turn an eye when he would rest on her back when he needed it, when they were airborne for extended periods.
Given the extension of time it’s taken for him to even reach this far in his healing, Nise-e knew he felt guilty, a burden of sorts. She knew the last thing he would ever want is to have to rely on others for his own comfort, and living needs. Time, and time again she would tell him it did not matter. This is what family did. She had never cared what his requests were. What he needed is what she needed. He cared for her, she cared for him. They were two halves of the same whole. They were in it together until the spirits decided to take them. To Xander’s credit, despite his vocalizations of unease, he didn’t put up too much of a fight. At least, not anymore.
Be that as it may, Nise-e felt herself, and by extension Xander, at a crossroads. Where would they go from here? Did it matter? They had a new home, a new safe haven to call their own thanks to the Thunderbird. Yet, Nise-e still felt…off. It wasn’t that she felt like she didn’t belong. Far from it actually. But something felt, was missing the right word? No matter what she did, no matter what she tried, the feeling of discontent continued to rise within her.
Nise-e couldn’t help but sigh as she glided along the treetops, Xander safely tucked between her wings taking a nap. They both knew they needed the fresh air. The space between home and the universe providing a silent blessing in disguise. They both craved something. Maybe something new, something vibrant to come into their lives.
“You’re overthinking again,” Xander whispered quietly from behind, “your path is not quite straight.”
“Maybe that’s the point,” Nise-e clipped a branch with her hoof, “maybe that’s what we need right now.”
“Still feeling like nothing is right?”
Nise-e frowned and dipped below the tree line, swerving around the vast number of thick tree trunks before gently touching down on the mossy forest floor.
“That’s one way of putting it. Everything seems wrong. It’s mudane. It’s not….us anymore.”
She heard Xander sigh and shift, launching off her back to soar up onto a lone tree branch at her eye height. He feathers were no longer ruffled, plucked, or bloody. In fact, he looked just as beautiful as he did the day she met him back when she was a very young filly just out of her basket. But every time she looked at him she still saw the bloodstains that dyed his blue feathers crimson. She could still see the scars that the attack left upon his body. It was a stark remind of their mortality.
“Time changes us Nise-e. That is not a bad thing.”
“But maybe, Xander, the change just isn’t what we want for this world.”
"It may not be what we want, but the spirits have already decided it's what we need."
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Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2020 11:53 am
“That’s not the point, Xander!” Nise-e cried out, her voice cracking with unshed tears, “You almost died trying to protect me! Why would the spirits be so cruel as to take you away from me?!”
She pawed at the ground erratically, digging a hole she almost wanted to just make the biggest possible, and bury herself. The pain, the unadulterated pain she felt at her partner’s touch with death was so deep, so severe, Nise-e didn’t know how to handle it. She hated everyone who had attacked her herd, her family. She hated how they had torn the peaceful herdlands to shreds. Even as they healed all she could see was the blood, and death that stained the lands that day. But most of all, and what she hated the most, was herself.
She couldn’t protect Xander from those who would do him harm. She couldn’t protect herself from the oncoming of kalona jaws that would end her life. It took him, her partner, throwing himself in front of harm's way to pull her away from destruction. And yet, she still could do nothing to heal herself. The physical wounds had healed long ago. But the internal, the mental wounds still remained. They had dug so deep into her body, into her soul, that she felt like she was drowning.
“For all that I see the spirits have damned me, or abandoned me,” she muttered darkly, a frown upon her mouth,“or they don’t even exist at all.”
“Do you dare say that, Nise-e,” Xander responded in kind, his concern for her becoming more palpable as they spoke, “the spirits have not forsaken you. You are still here. I am still here. We are both living, breathing souls.”
“Well maybe I shouldn’t be!” she screamed back, tears beginning to fall to the ground. She could hear the thrum of the fire raging, the screams of those dying, and she found herself back on that day, petrified with nowhere to run, and hide. She was alone, Xander was dead. Everyone was dead.
“Nise-e! Listen to me! Listen to my voice!” Xander flung himself at his partner. He knew of her struggles to heal. But he didn’t realize just how bad it had become. He had to find her some help.
“You are not there. That is in the past. You are here. It’s okay. Don’t let the flashback’s take you. That’s what the darkness wants. You’re the strongest mare I know. Come back to me.”
Nise-e almost couldn’t hear him over the roar of the flames, almost couldn’t feel his feathers against her as the heat of those flames licked her legs. The tears kept coming, and coming harder. She couldn’t see anything anymore. She could only feel the pain and despair, the deep anxiety, and self loathing of her very existence.
She was drowning. And what scared her the most was that she was okay with it. She was okay with losing what little control she had left.
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Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 7:10 pm
---------------
By the time Nise-e came back to the present, her body was drenched in a cold sweat. Her mane and tail matted to her body. The trails of dried tears were caked upon her face. Her mind, still fractured, but at least, more coherent than who knows how long ago. Time did not quite make sense to her just yet. Her thoughts muddled, but not as dark. Her breaths deeper, and not so shallow. No longer was the panic set in her body, and her soul. But she knew these attacks were still ever present in her time, her presence. And what scared her the most was when the next attack would be.
Much time had passed since she last remembered where they were. No longer deep in the trees, but now taking shelter in a nearby cave. It wasn’t a deep cave, but enough to protect her, and Xander from the elements. How she got there she wasn’t sure. Did she run off in a fit? Did she leave Xander behind? She lifted her head and looked further around, almost desperate in her gaze. It wasn’t until her eyes landed on her partner did she even think of beginning to relax. He lay quietly asleep up on a nearby flat boulder, his breath tinged with a soft sigh and snore.
For Nise-e the threat of tears almost overcame her again, not in despair, but in relief. She always feared he would stop breathing again. He did so far too many times for her to count during his initial healing. Back when time was of the essence. Back when time could have killed him. It was only through the skilled healers of the Thunderbird did he overcome. Nise-e quietly heaved herself into a more comfortable position, legs tucked neatly under her body. For all she knew, Xander had stayed up until utter exhaustion before succumbing to the darkness of sleep. It was her turn now.
She allowed her gaze to shift to the outside, the twinkle of stars overhead casting glimmers of light into the cave. A full moon smiled down in it’s soft and welcoming glow. She liked nights like this. So far removed from reality. She would love to stay here for a while yet, stay here forever if she could. But alas, Xander would wake up and remind her that fleeing from her problems would not solve the underlying issues that plagued her. That she had to keep fighting. That everything was worth it.
But was it though? She didn’t quite know. At least, just not yet. But was there the desire to? Maybe? So much has changed. So much of her regular life was gone with the whispers of the wind, or raging fires was more like it. What was out there for her?
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Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2021 2:57 pm
Time continued to pass in its ever-pressing existence, and it took everything in Nise-e’s body to keep it from consuming her. Now was not the time or the place. Xander was sleeping. She had to keep watch. She had to be strong. Strong for him. She couldn’t fail him again. He would tell her again and again until he was blue in the face, no pun in intended, that it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t see the future. But deep in her soul she knew it was. She failed to protect him.
But not again.
Not now.
Not ever.
As he slept close by, she cautiously allowed her thoughts to wander again to what was out there for her. Xander of course. That much she knew. But what else? There had to be more than just her nightmares. She followed the steady rise and fall of his chest, allowing it to ground herself in the present. Or, at least try to ground herself in the present. It was easier said than done to say the least. But she forced herself to do it anyway. He’d tell her that she had to do it for herself first before she did it for anyone else. But that wasn’t good enough. She had to do it for others or else she’d be lost to the wind again.
A soft sigh escaped through her lips as she closed her eyes for a brief second. Forcing the feelings of anxiety into the furthest reaches of her mind. Things were bad, she realized. She couldn’t keep going through the same motions as before.
She needed help.
But who could help her? She didn’t know who in the Thunderbird who could. She was sure there were counselors and other healers without a doubt. But she hadn’t been there long enough to meet them yet before the chaos. She could go off on her own for a bit to find someone. But the thought of that brought on feelings of anxiety and the wish to flee again to the forefront of her mind. Nise-e quickly shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and feelings again. This had to stop. She had to find someone to help her heal her broken mind and spirit.
“I see you’re awake.”
She turned her head towards Xander’s sleepy voice. He looked back at her through half-lidded eyes and a sleepy smile on his face.
“Are you feeling better?”
“I should be asking you that,” she answered him quietly with a soft smile, “clearly you stayed up to the point of utter exhaustion again.”
“Matters not. You’re my priority, Nise-e. Where you go, I follow,” was his answer as he got up onto his claws and shook out his feathers and the remains of his drowsiness.
“You know I hate it when you say that.”
She could feel his frown despite her not looking at him, “regardless, where do we go from here?”
“Where do YOU want to go?”
She sat there silent, unmoving. The question of the hour it seemed. Where does she want them to go? Nise-e pursed her lips into a thin line. She didn’t know.
No.
That was a lie.
She did know.
“I want the nightmares to end,” she whispered.
“Then, it's time we make them.”
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