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 Posted: Tue Aug 27, 2024 10:01 am
Weren't they?
In his heart of hearts, he knew that Matthi hadn't been really happy in a long time. He'd been happy as a kid, right? He hadn't messed him up from that long ago, right?
As Hathi laid near a reflective pool, studying his own face and the little fishies that swam beneath the surface, he was forced to ask, for perhaps the first time ever:
Am I a bad dad?
He didn't want to be a bad dad. He wanted to be a good dad - the best dad. Matthius was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and certainly the best thing that had come from his relationship with Rhea.
Rhea. It had been a long time since he'd thought about her. It had been harder when Matthius was younger; so many times, he'd wished that there was another parent around to back him up, or for him to look over at when Matthius was being bananas. It had been harder then, too, because Matthius had looked so much like Rhea when he was a kid.
Would Matthi have been happier if he'd been raised by his mother?
Hathi hadn't let himself think about that question since Matthius was a child. He couldn't bear it - and he couldn't bear his fear that the answer might be 'yes'.
((wc: 268 ))
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Posted: Tue Aug 27, 2024 10:31 am
Matthius was feeling more than a little bit muddled. He remembered yelling at his dad, he remembered storming off into the woods, he remembered meeting...someone.....having a few nibbles of.....something.......
And next thing he knew, he was trying to track his dad down, however many days later. He was pretty sure it was days later, anyway - it couldn't have been more than that, surely, right?
Well, at any rate - at least he'd gotten a certain amount of time of rest and relaxation. He'd had fun, during his mysterious lost time, he was sure of that - he was more relaxed, more rested, more revived, and, aside from the confusion over the missing time, was more clear-headed than he had been before.
His dad wasn't hard to track down; he'd never made an attempt to mask where he'd been or where he was going, which made him easy to find. That made Matthius nervous, sometimes, if an enemy ever wanted to find them, but he tried not to think about that at the moment - not when there were more important things to discuss.
He found Hathi staring into a lake, uncharacteristically still and quiet. Matthius actually couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his father so somber - if he ever had. Matthi allowed himself a few moments to study his father, to try and get into his head, and then he sighed and approached him.
"Hey, Dad," Matthius greeted quietly, not wanting to startle him. "You okay?" He didn't look physically hurt, but emotionally...? Matthius wasn't sure.
((wc: 254))
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Posted: Mon Sep 02, 2024 6:40 pm
Hathi's head jerked up at the sound of his son's voice, and relief flooed through him - almost unexpectedly so. He hadn't realized until Matthius had returned that he was afraid that he might not return at all.
"Hi," Hathi said with a big smile. His whole body felt less tense just for seeing him there, in the flesh. "Hi, Matthi. I'm-- I'm really glad you're back. I mean. Um. How are you? How was..." Hathi floundered, realizing that he didn't actually have any idea where Matthius had been or what he'd been doing. "How was, um, what you got up to? Did you, um, have fun? Not that you have to tell me! I mean I want to know but I mean-- you don't have to tell me. Like I'm not demanding you tell me anything. I just-- um. Hi. Hi again."
Hathi had a tendency to ramble. He knew that about himself. It tended to most happen around mares or especially handsome stallions - not around his son. He'd never been so uncomfortable around his son before.
He hated the feeling.
Hathi took a deep breath.
"Are you okay?" Hathi asked, forcing himself to be a little more calm. A little more together. He was supposed to be the adult here, after all - the father in this situation. This was a chance to show Matthi that he could be a good dad, not a cool dad.
...Or at least not just a cool dad, anyway. He could be good and cool. Right? Surely that was possible.
((wc: 260))
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Posted: Mon Sep 02, 2024 7:20 pm
Yep, Hathi was definitely hurting. Not physically, but definitely emotionally. Matthi felt a pang of guilt, but... well, probably not as much guilt as he should've, or as much guilt as he would have before his little adventure. Emotions had been heightened before, or they'd been repressed and coming out every which way, but... well, a couple of days away from his dad, relaxing and doing... whatever he had been doing... had relaxed him considerably, and left him with a much clearer mind - at least when it came to looking forward. Looking back, not so much, but he could worry about that later.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Matthius said, as gently as he knew how. "Thanks." He didn't bother asking if Hathi was okay - because Hathi was clearly not okay, but maybe now if they could be honest with each other, they could get to a slightly more okay space for both of them. Maybe. If they were very lucky and managed not to get very mad at each other again in the process.
"I've been thinking," Matthius said, deciding it would be kinder not to tell him exactly how long he'd been thinking about broaching this subject, "that maybe it might be better... for both of us... if I... took some time to explore on my own for a little while." He pressed on, trying to ignore Hathi's stricken look. "For both of us! Don't you kind of miss being a single stallion, doing whatever you want all the time without having to worry about your kid tagging along?"
((wc: 261))
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Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2024 11:19 am
Hathi was really trying to keep his face neutral - he was absolutely unaware of how badly he was failing at that goal, but it was his goal and he really was trying, because he didn't want his son to know how much he absolutely did not want what Matthius was offering.
"...Maybe," Hathi said, which was the best that he could do. "I don't...I don't know." He sighed and dropped his gaze; he couldn't help the flinch away from the heavier subjects, especially with his son. He was supposed to be fun.
But Matthius was trying. Hathi could see that. So he owed it to him to try, too, at least as hard.
"I don't miss being alone all the time," Hathi finally admitted, voice soft. "But...I don't miss that more than I want you to be happy," he said, voice breaking on the last word as he looked up at his son. "Would that make you happy? Because that's-- I'm so sorry," Hathi said, interrupting himself. "I'm so sorry if I ever... made you feel unhappy. Or that you couldn't... do what you wanted. I tried to... I wanted to show you that you could do whatever you wanted and I... maybe I was only doing what I wanted? But-- but you being happy, Matthius, that's... that's all I want for you, okay? So-- so you can do whatever you want, if you think it will make you happy, and-- and as long as you... as long as I get to see you again someday, sometime... I can be okay with that. As long as you know you can always come home."
((wc: 274))
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Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2024 11:31 am
Alone all the time? Matthius had never imagined that was how Hathi felt - before. Before he was born. Matthius had never really thought a lot about what Hathi had been like when he was Matthius' age; Hathi had always been so focused on now and next. Now that he thought about it, actually, Hathi was almost pathologically avoidant of talking about the past.
No wonder he felt so... untethered. No wonder both of them always felt like they were... drifting.
Was it really such a good idea to go drifting off on his own? Wasn't it better to stay, anchored at least to Hathi, his own father, something familiar?
Anchored. That was the word, wasn't it? An anchor was good to stay in one place - a heavy thing, meant to keep a body where it was put. That was good in a storm or in chaos, but when the seas were smooth? When the sky was clear?
What good was an anchor then?
There was so much world to see.
Hathi kept talking - it was maybe the most Hathi had ever spoken about something that mattered, in Matthius' entire life. Hathi was giving him permission to go, even if it hurt him. And it did hurt him, just as Matthius had known it would, but...
Maybe it wouldn't destroy his father. Hopefully.
"I think it will be good for both of us," Matthius repeated, softer, more serious. "And of course you'll see me again - you'll see me a bunch! I just... want to see what, um, what else is out there, you know? Is that... is that okay?"" Matthius hesitated. "Where... if I go on and explore... how will I know where to find you?"
((wc: 289))
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Posted: Thu Dec 05, 2024 1:16 pm
How will I know where to find you? Hathi was almost surprised by the relief he felt - that Matthius would want to see him again. Some part of him - a bigger part than he'd realized, maybe - had been worried that this was Matthi's hesitant, careful attempt to leave him behind forever.
He had to believe that wasn't the case. Why else would Matthi want to be able to find him again, later?
But aside from the relief he felt - Matthi's question was a real one. How would he find him again? Or what if something happened and Hathi needed to find him?
Hathi looked up at the trees above them, at the creatures that were waking or sleeping there - birds of all kinds, and bats, and...
Hey, that one looked kind of like him!
Hathi stood up and made his way over to the sleeping bat, hanging upside down from a thin little tree branch as it dozed. "Excuse me," Hathi said quietly. "Excuse me!" he said, a little louder, when the bat didn't stir. This one got the bat's attention and it promptly fell out of the tree and directly onto Hathi's nose.
The two stared at each other.
"Hi," Hathi said with a smile. "I was wondering if you might want to travel with me? And maybe if you have a friend who could travel with my son? And then when we-- that is, me and my son -- need to reconnect, you can help us find each other again?"
It would have, Hathi realized, perhaps been easier to just pick a spot to reconvene - a location that they were both familiar with, and pick a time that they would meet up. We can do that too, Hathi decided, because he had already bothered waking up this poor bat, and he couldn't very well say 'oh never mind I came up with a better idea'.
And anyway, the bat seemed kind of into the idea.
Radar had been having a beautiful little dream in which he chased down ten million little fruitflies and ate them all up, one by one, until he was so big he had to roll around instead of flying. it was a favorite dream of his, and that was why he was so surprised to find himself: a) awake suddenly, and b) staring into the eyes of a stallion, who was c) asking him to come on an adventure with him.
The idea excited Radar immensely, once his little brain woke up enough to process what the stallion was saying. But he had to play it cool - this could be a bad stallion, after all, who wanted to...eat him, or something! So with as much dignity as he could muster, Radar scrambled from the stallion's nose to the top of his head and peered down to look at him, upside-down, but in the eyes.
"Will there be bugs I can eat?" Radar asked, because he was still thinking about all those fruitflies he had yet to devour in dreamland. "Will you eat me?"
"Will I eat you?! What! No!" Hathi said, ears flicking back in abject distress. "Who would-- you know what, I don't even want to know. Of course I won't eat you!" Hathi paused, the little bat's first question processing more slowly than the first.
"Me and my kiddo can turn into butterflies," Hathi said. "Will you try to eat me?"
The bat took longer to think about it than Hathi liked, but eventually shook his head. "So you want to come with me? It'll be real fun!"
Radar considered. He'd never traveled with an entire horse before - this creature was so big! Maybe he could help him in all kinds of ways - and Radar could help him, too. Did horses eat bugs? Even if they could sometimes be a bug? Radar would have to find out.
"I'm Radar," the bat said, giving a courtesy flap of his wings as he settled in what would become his customary position, right between Hathi's ears. "What's your name?"
"Hathi," Hathi said, his smile widening. "And I'm taking that as a yes." Hathi returned to where Matthius was waiting for him - clearly he had only overheard the part about who was eating what, because he had a very strange look on his face.
"Matthius, this is Radar. He's my new friend." Hathi could make friends anywhere, and he knew it, too - he knew, now that he was older - not everyone could. He hoped Matthius could find friends when he was on his own, too... "He'll travel with me, and if we need each other, he'll find you." Hathi paused. "But I think we should also pick a time and a place to meet up, too. Just in case. To make sure we don't... lose track of each other completely. Is that okay?"
((WC:
Hathi: 546
Radar: 260))
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