Jokes all around!

[xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx]

Post your own, or a comedian's joke here!

I got a whole book of 'em! XD

 

[xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx]

"I got into an arguement with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap."

-Mitch Hedberg

 

[xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx]

"While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere."

-Auggie Cook

 

[snow_storm8]

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: well, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.  

[Mokona says Pu]

Bless me father for I have sinned...I poke badgers with spoons.

--Eddie Izzard (on original sin)  

[snow_storm8]

lol this is a little gross xp

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.  

[xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx]

snow_storm8

lol this is a little gross xp

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

eek xd

This one cracked me up!!

 

[snow_storm8]

i got em from comedy central

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.  

[s4mgir1v3rsi0n]

This may be slightly offensive to more sensitive readers. So.. there don't complain if you don't like my jokes cause I've warner you. =P

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew the lightbulb!  

[l Puffy l]

snow_storm8

lol this is a little gross xp

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

OMG rofl rofl I just read this to every one in my house. they all loved it.  

[Nitemare Sorrows]

xXx_Kingdom_Hearts_xXx

"I got into an arguement with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap."

-Mitch Hedberg

same guy but he sai dit on that 70's show

kelso: i dont understand why you can just serve us our food, i mean we are paying customers.

mitch: I did not lose both my legs in vietnam to serve a bunch of kids

kelso: you have both your legs

mitch: like i said i did not lose both my legs in vietnam  

[snow_storm8]

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."  

[l Puffy l]

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"  

[snow_storm8]

stupid ppl stories

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.  

[rammstein rocker]

READ THIS JOKE ALOUD


how do you catch an elephant?



first you dig a big pit with a fire in it and wait till the fire goes out and leave the ashes in there then you go to a garden and take some peas then you line the rim of the hole with the peas.


so when the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole