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| Should I give this thread a name? |
| Yes... and I've posted my suggestion on the last page. |
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| No... If it ain't broke... blah blah blah |
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| Total Votes : 250 |
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 Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 4:52 pm
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Remarkable Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies such as adults, not kids, are in charge.
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 6:56 am
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Close your eyes...And go back...
....Before the Internet or PC or the MAC......
....Before semi-automatics and crack....
....Before Playstation, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari...
....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail....
....way back....
....way.....way.....way back.....
I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk
Red light, Green light
Red Rover....Red Rover.....
Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first...no...second...no....third
Streetlight came on
Ring around the Rosie
London Bridge
Hot potato
Hop Scotch
Jump rope
Duck....duck....GOOSE!!!
YOU'RE IT!!
Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home - no pagers or cell phones
Mother May I?
Hula Hoops
Seeing shapes in the clouds
Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open
The sound of crickets
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom
Cracker jacks with the same thing
Ice pops with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend
...but wait.....there's more....
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons - Fat Albert, Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man, Schoolhouse Rock
Watchin' Sunday morning oldies (Abbott & Costello, Three Stooges)
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos
FONZIE.....AYYYYYYYY
Playing Dukes of Hazard
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Swinging as high as you could to try and reach the sky
Getting an Ice Cream off the Good Humor Truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed
Pillow fights
Sleep-overs
A 13" black and white TV in your room meant you were RICH
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from PLAYING
WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes
Your first crush
Your first kiss (I mean the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7UP" or hangman" in
The classroom, Remember that?
Oh, I'm not finished yet....
Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
So was a swig from the hose
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance; and another quarter a MIRACLE
When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him
to carry groceries...And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were COOL
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to
the fate that awaited you at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because
of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em!
Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember
that!"
Well, let's keep going!! Let's go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly" or "Life"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20. (CRAP! I'm officially old!)
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles..
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!! |
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Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:54 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 11:23 pm
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Tis Found!
"GOD BLESS MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US"
THE OTHER DAY, SOMEONE AT A STORE IN OUR TOWN READ
THAT A METHAMPHETAMINE LAB HAD BEEN FOUND IN AN OLD
FARMHOUSE IN THE ADJOINING COUNTY AND HE ASKED ME A
RHETORICAL QUESTION, "WHY DIDN'T WE HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM
WHEN YOU AND I WERE GROWING UP?"
I REPLIED: I HAD A DRUG PROBLEM WHEN I WAS YOUNG:
*I WAS DRUG TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY MONRING*
*I WAS DRUG TO CHURCH FOR WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS*
*I WAS DRUG TO FAMILY REUNIONS AND COMMUNITY SOCIALS *
*I WAS DRUG BY MY EARS WHEN I WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO ADULTS*
*I WAS DRUG TO THE WOODSHED WHN I DISOBEYED MY PARENTS
TOLD A LIE, BROUGHT HOME A BAD REPORT CARD, DID NOT SPEAK WITH
RESPECT, SPOKE ILL OF THE TEACHER OR THE PREACHER, OR IF I DIDN'T
PUT FORTH MY BEST EFFORT IN EVERYTHING THAT WAS ASKED OF ME*
*I WAS DRUG TO THE KITCHEN SINK TO HAVE MY MOUTH WASHED OUT
WITH SOAP IF I UTTERED AN UNACCEPTABLE WORD*
*I WAS DRUG OUT TO PULL WEEDS IN MOM'S GARDEN AND FLOWER BEDS
AND COCKLEBURS OUT OF DAD'S FIELDS*
*I WAS DRUG TO THE HOMES OF FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND NEIGHBORS
TO HELP OUT SOME POOR SOUL WHO HAD NO ONE TO MOW THE YARD,
REPAIR THE CLOTHESLINE, OR CHOP SOME FIREWOOD, AND, IF MY
MOTHER HAD EVER KNOWN THAT I TOOK EVEN A SINGLE DIME AS
A TIP FOR THIS KINDNESS, SHE WOULD HAVE DRUG ME BACK TO THE
WOODSHED*
THOSE DRUGS ARE STILL IN MY VEINS, AND THEY AFFECT MY
BEHAVIOR IN EVERYTHING I DO, SAY, AND THINK.
THEY ARE STRONGER THAN COCAINE, METH, WEED OR HEROIN.
IF TODAY'S CHILDREN HAD THIS KIND OF DRUG PROBLEM,
AMERICA MIGHT JUST BE A BETTER PLACE.
Funny, I had that same "Drug" problem wink
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Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:24 am
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 1:29 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:36 pm
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:04 pm
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:06 pm
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, “what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a*****e?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 8:04 pm
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History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 8:37 pm
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:56 am
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 12:24 pm
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Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 5:06 pm
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 7:08 am
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Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
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