Without Control ((FULL))

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin held Ash gently and felt a couple tears slide down her face. She looked around the waiting room, but didn't see Rebekka, even though Sirrah had said she was here. Maybe they had let her in Brian's room, which would be a good sign. That would mean they were finished pumping his stomach of the drugs he'd taken. Who knew how long he would be out, though? Waiting like this didn't sit well with Erin...

She distracted herself from her anger with Brian by thinking over what she and Ash could do for food when Ash woke up later. The poor girl had been under so much stress lately, she was sure to be starving when she got up. Hospital food was pathetic and unacceptable... Perhaps they could order a pizza and sit in the cafeteria. Erin gnawed her lower lip as she thought of the shop guys. 'I wonder... Would it be a good idea to call them?' She knew they would be over in a second if she summoned them, probably Jorden and Aaron too since they felt like part of the family already. And they would all be angry if nobody told them about this. Within a few minutes, she'd sent out a text to all the shop guys. Trouble, Tank, Ronnie, and Pitt's phones would all be going off right about now.

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin smiled slightly at Ronnie and nodded. "Yeah. I think we should make him a Uniform of Shame to wear for the rest of his life, personally." She sighed and rested her forehead against the top of Ash's head, trying to compose herself so she wouldn't start bawling in front of all the guys. "Thanks for showing up, you guys... Means a lot. And I know it'll help Brian that you're here too." Erin raised her head and checked that her whimpering wife was still asleep before looking at Ronnie again with a pained expression. "Ronnie... I understand why he did this... The guilt was killing him... But why would he try to hurt us more by taking himself out of the picture? Whatever happened, he's still our Old Man... It's not a family without a dad..."

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Aaron Royce Lee

Aaron cast a playful glare in Tank's direction, blushing and tightening his grip around Sean's waist. "Anyways, Erin, I think what Tank's trying to say is that we're gonna be here for Brian and you gals no matter what." He saw Ash beginning to stir and turned his gaze to Erin. "Hey, Wings, I need to talk to you for a second. Alone, okay?"

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin looked down at her wife as the woman slowly woke up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear and delaying answering Aaron, whose eyes she could still feel on her. "Hey, sweetie, you feeling better? The guys are all here," she said gently, shifting Ash in her lap so she could see their family standing around them. "Aaron wants to talk with me... Will you be alright here for a few minutes, Ash?"

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin surrendered her wife to Ronnie and watched with an oddly choked-up feeling in her throat as the others surrounded her in a group hug. After a moment she walked a little ways away with Aaron, waiting until she was sure they were out of earshot of the others before turning to him with raised eyebrows. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it and cleared her throat because her voice cracked. "So, um... What did you want to talk to me about?" she finally got out, folding her arms over her chest.

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Aaron Royce Lee

It broke Aaron's heart to see the deep pain in Ash's eyes, and in Erin's as well. The guilt the latter was feeling was obvious in more than just her eyes, though, he realized as he looked at her away from the others. Dark circles under her eyes, her shoulders hunched as if in defeat, body language that suggested she was trying to make herself smaller... Aaron sighed and pulled his female persona into a hug, feeling her stiffen at the contact. He held on, though, whispering into her ear. "Erin, you can't keep blaming yourself for everything. You are literally killing yourself, I can see it. None of this was your fault, you understand me?"

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin closed her eyes and for a moment rested her forehead against the male's shoulder, allowing him to embrace her... Just for a moment letting herself imagine that Ash and Brian's pain wasn't her fault... But then she came back to reality and gently pushed away her male counterpart. "It is partially my fault, Aaron. Thanks for the hug though, man." With that, Erin turned and went back to the others, taking Ash from Ronnie and sitting back down in the waiting room chair, feeling near tears as she looked at her exhausted lover. 'Ever since the beginning, all I've done is hurt her...'

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin gasped and protested to no avail when Rebekka dragged her off to yell at her for her guilt trip, her face turning progressively more red and her scowl deepening as the lecture went on. "If you were listening, you would have heard that I only claimed partial blame for what happened. If I'd been strong enough mentally to resist that ******** control on me, none of this would have happened in the first place." She looked down at the floor and clenched her fists. "I've tried to keep that feeling inside. I don't want to bother anyone with it. Hell, I only told Aaron because he guessed it right."

 

[Dreaming_Drifter]

Erin Joyce Lee

Erin covered her face with her hands, unable to hold back the crying any longer when she realized that her mother-in-law was right. The entire ordeal suddenly crashed down on Erin like a ton of bricks, the horror of the atrocities committed against her hitting her for the first time. She hadn't allowed herself to feel any pain of what had happened to her yet... Sure, she'd felt anger and killed Jayce over what had been done to Ash and Brian, but Erin hadn't allowed herself to really go through the grieving process over what had happened.

As she finally let herself cry, she began to feel the guilt leave, replaced by the desire to talk things out with Ash and Brian and finally put all this mess behind them. After a few more moments, Erin finally uncovered her face and wiped her now-soaked hands on her jeans, grabbing a Kleenex off a nearby table in the waiting area to mop the rest of her face up. "Sorry 'bout that," she mumbled to Rebekka, almost afraid to look at the woman. "You're right. I want to talk it out, put it behind us, and get on with our lives. I... I don't want to keep it inside anymore. It's not good for any of us."