[Catira Norr]

I had one boyfriend that tried to use my clothes closet, because he was too tired to make it to the loo.... needless to say he was an ex boyfriend pretty soon afterwards.  

[Lil-Jo]

WHAT THESE DAG-NAB TERMS REALLY MEAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOG ON - Makin a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF - Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR - Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD - Gettin the farwood off the truk.

MEGA HERTZ - When yer not kerful getting the farwood.

FLOPPY DISC - Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

RAM - That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE - Gettin home in the winter time.

PROMPT - Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

WINDOWS - Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

SCREEN - Whut to shut wen it's black fly season.

BYTE - Whut them dang flys do.

CHIP - Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP - What's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM - Whut cha did to the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX - Old Dan Matrix's wife.

LAP TOP - Whar the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD - Whar ya hang the dang keys.

SOFTWARE - Them dang plastic forks and knife.

MOUSE - Whut eats the grain in the barn.

MAINFRAME - Holds up the barn roof.

PORT - Fancy Flatlander wine.

ENTER - Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".

MOUSE PAD - That haippie talk fer the rat hole.  

[Lil Brat]

Cute... I've seen one similar... though it might not meet the rating requirements in Gaia Land... twisted  

[Lil-Jo]

I don't think this one really breaks any PG-13 rules...

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and that makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing!"  

[Nodijo]

rofl  

[Lil Brat]

LOL ~ it's too bad we don't truly appreciate these until we start falling into the "In Need Of Ironing" catagory... whee  

[Lil-Jo]

This morning, I was in a huge hurry on my way to an appointment downtown. I
was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light
because.....I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap,
a bagel in one hand, my cell phone in the other and oddly enough I was
running late. "Great, just great", I muttered. The driver opened his
door....leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got
out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled
down my window. He said, "

I'm not happy"... To which I replied,
"Well..... which one are you then?"

I know....I'm going to hell..........  

[Nodijo]

Lil-Jo

This morning, I was in a huge hurry on my way to an appointment downtown. I
was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light
because.....I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap,
a bagel in one hand, my cell phone in the other and oddly enough I was
running late. "Great, just great", I muttered. The driver opened his
door....leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got
out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled
down my window. He said, "

I'm not happy"... To which I replied,
"Well..... which one are you then?"

I know....I'm going to hell..........

rofl Finally, Gaia has invented a matching avatar to this post...we are all invisible....*decides to run around naked and get a little crazy~since I'm invisible and am therefore unable to scare people as I run by.....* biggrin  

[Malheureux]

Lil-Jo

This morning, I was in a huge hurry on my way to an appointment downtown. I
was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light
because.....I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap,
a bagel in one hand, my cell phone in the other and oddly enough I was
running late. "Great, just great", I muttered. The driver opened his
door....leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got
out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled
down my window. He said, "

I'm not happy"... To which I replied,
"Well..... which one are you then?"

I know....I'm going to hell..........

That's funny!!

 

[Lil-Jo]

Barbecue
-------------------------

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and
The man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and
Measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was
Working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the
Barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely
Brushes him off, "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
Big-a** grill for one little weenie ?"

 

[Nodijo]

biggrin 3nodding rofl Serves him right!  

[Harbone]

I have decided to provide a list of conspiracies which Malheureux can blame the death of his mother-in-law upon, should he decide to take rash action. If not, he can simply spread the word that she IS a member of one of these secret societies.
We'll start with the Templars, because, you know, sooner or later, it always gets back to the Templars.
Let's see, Freemasons, Illuminati, Carbonari, Fendeurs, Guelphs, Mercelots, Alumbrados, Mithraens, Orphic Mysteries, P2, The Great White Brotherhood, Ku Klux Klan, al'sirri al'tabi, al'qaeda, ak'qa'idah, al'qaeda in Iraq, Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, Dragon Rouge, Church Universal and Triumphant, the Sleepers, Bildeberger Group, Merovingians, Priory de Sion, Cosa Nostra, Black Hand, Rosicrucians, the Other Knights Templar, Mrs. Widery's Lodgers, Thule Gesselshafft, East Texas A&M Night School Extension of Toledo, Luciferians, Encantada Jalifa, Cthulhu's Minions, Zos Kia Cultus, the Aradian Witch Cult, the Benandanti, the Red Spears Society, the Societies of Heaven and Earth, Black Dragon, Genyoshi (I'm sorry, I meant Genyosha. Genyoshi is the Dark Cult of Yoshi which even now threatens the mushroom kingdom.) Uh, lessee, there's lots more, uh... sweatdrop Army of God, God's Army, Phineas Preisthood, National Democratic Front of Bodoland, Abu Sayyif, the Tamil Tigers, the Leopard Societies, Akromayia and Adolat, the Hashishin of the Old Man of the Mountain, Fatah al'Islam, Hamas, Georgian Mobsters, the Monks of Medmenham, Animal Liberation Front, Symbanese Liberation Army, The Loyalists of Libertatia, The Zenda Rebels, the Fenians, the IRA, the Scottish Liberation Army, the Bay Bombers, the Weather Underground...
Er, did I miss anyone's favorites?  

[Lil-Jo]

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

DAY 659 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 662 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 669 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 681 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm Not working according to plan.

DAY 688 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 690 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 699 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.