Someone help me...I'm lost

[Door Revoir]

Think about how you feel seeing these IMs from different girls.. And how you felt the first time he did it to you. From my experience, the pain is just not worth it and if he's been willing to cheat on you before, who's to say he won't do it again? If he can't love you like you need to be loved, someone else will. It's extremely difficult to let go and immensely painful after having such a long term relationship, but this sort of thing can make you lose yourself and damage your mind and heart until you feel there's no hope. This sort of thing just.. Isn't worth it, hun. Even though I know this is easier said than done (and it takes a really long time to accomplish), let go of him and try finding who you were withouth him all over again. Love yourself and don't deal with this. Save yourself, because no one else really can.. This is all a personal challenge that we can give you loads of advice about, but none of us can help you make a firm decision on what to do. It's all up to you.

He's sending you so many red flags... Are you sure you want to ignore them?  

[Shenyu]

I don't have experience in this cheating stuff, but I would not go to Germany if I was in your shoes. (In my shoes I already live there^^)

You have your family and your friends where you are living now. Going to Germany would mean to be alone with a person you do not trust anymore. You are digging your own grave then.

My husband had a friend who move a few hundred kilometers away (for Germans this IS far away^^) because of a girl. He has no friends there, they do never go out, he goes to work, cleans up and he cannot get back because he has a daughter now.

So don't put yourself in such a situation. You will kill something really precious inside of you.  

[Caither]

Don't go to Germany unless you just want to torture yourself and him. He will resent you, as will the numerous girls, and you will be constantly in pain from all of it.

Instead, it's time to get on with your own life. Move toward independence, look for a new relationship, whatever you want in your life, but move away from him. Oh, and do tell him about all of it. Let him know how much you're enjoying your new life without him. Tell him about the exciting things you're doing. And be sure to credit him as the reason you've decided to grow in life, expand your social circle, whatever.

If he had only cheated once, I'd say that you could try again. But, with multiples, I recommend never looking back.  

[otakuskater]

I wouldn't like to be treated that way if I were you. Haven't been married, but been in an "irregular" *the guy has this appealing looks and personality which I could not stand due to his experiences with different women before even if he wants to be stick-to-one with me* relationship.

If you don't want to go with him to Germany, you have to let him go and start to hang out with friends. Go to a nearby amusement park. Play all games in arcade shop. Skate/swim until you drop. Sing you heart out with your favorite songs at the moment. You'll realize some things that you would wish to do while single and therefore, move on.

wish you luck and hope your Mr. Right comes along.  

[Lady_Niqui]

Trust your instincts on this one. It can be very very difficult to let go of someone you love, but if he's even giving the appearance of doing the same thing that made you separate in the first place he might not even be too sure about how he feels about you. If you want to live in Germany, move for you, not for him.  

[Dani Hyrosha]

It pains me to see so many of you giving the advise to give up. Now granted, when you get to a certain point, enough is enough and it's time to let go.

But you really haven't been married that long. Don't move to Germany, but work with him and go visit. I come from an army town, it's hard when you're loved ones are overseas.

Now, if he comes up with exuses and tries to keep you away from a visit, I would suspect something. But if he is willing and you are willing, you may be able to save what you have.

But be ready for the worst. My parents are doing through a divorce. It's not pretty.

Also, do you have any kids? If you don't, and this isn't working out, now is the time to call it quits. I speak from experience (parents divorced once before too stare ), once kids get involved, it gets much more complicated.  

[ladyshari]

move on with your life; find happiness without him..  

[medea malfoy]

Dani Hyrosha

It pains me to see so many of you giving the advise to give up. Now granted, when you get to a certain point, enough is enough and it's time to let go.

But you really haven't been married that long. Don't move to Germany, but work with him and go visit. I come from an army town, it's hard when you're loved ones are overseas.

Now, if he comes up with exuses and tries to keep you away from a visit, I would suspect something. But if he is willing and you are willing, you may be able to save what you have.

But be ready for the worst. My parents are doing through a divorce. It's not pretty.

Also, do you have any kids? If you don't, and this isn't working out, now is the time to call it quits. I speak from experience (parents divorced once before too stare ), once kids get involved, it gets much more complicated.

now i agree with every one to a point. now that said, the best thing you can do is get your head on straight. the army does offer conseling and support for spouses while their loved ones are away. speaking with other military spouses can only help you, even if you only speak to the navy wife who asked you to pm her if you wanted to talk. i served an eight year enlistment and can tell you some military men are amoeba on ticks on dogs, while other will be the most honorable men you will ever meet--just like in the real world.

i can't promise how helpful i'll be, but will gladly lend you my ear when/if you need it.  

[Kamui_kusinagi]

From a guys perspective here. In so many ways, I'd just end it if there are no kids (is the child of divorced parents, and can tell you, the effects on us arn't the most pleasent). At the same time, if you give him another chance, I would suggest it being the last time. And if you do indeed decide on going to germany, please, makes sure you have a way back incase things go wrong. From what I undertstand he's the kind of guy who makes the rest of us look extremely bad.

@caither, I agree with everything up until the point of
Let him know how much you're enjoying your new life without him. Tell him about the exciting things you're doing. And be sure to credit him as the reason you've decided to grow in life, expand your social circle, whatever.
I am very intimate with revenge and can tell you that taking a path of vengence only leads to a darker reality, with which can literaly cost some people their very lives.  

[Caither]

Yeah, you're right. That part was EEEVIL.

(heehee)  

[Cierrah]

If he keeps going with his habits, despite the knowledge of how much pain he's putting you through - I would say it's time to back out.

You can't trust him - do you really want to live like that? Forever?

Like others asked, do you have kids? Because it's no longer about you first - it's them.

I have a little story about this I thought I would share. I had a chat with my cousin, who has trapped herself by having two children with a man she's beginning to hate - with good reason, too, although she's kinda evil herself for getting pregnant originally to keep him. I asked her, "Your children are going to grow up by what examples you give them. If he's treating you like crap and hurting you, what do you think your son is going to do when he grows up? You need to do what you think is best to ensure your children grow up in the best environment possible." She burst out crying the first time in front of me - this is the first time she told anyone in the family how miserable she was. She said she needed to be fake. She needed people to think everything is going well - to prove herself as successful. She wanted her fairy tale ending, but made a few really bad choices in the process.

She didn't realize how this would hurt her children by staying with a man who's inconsiderate, hurtful. He called me that night to ask me if she slept with another man, since she went out with me for drinks and all. Right. She's trying to work it out right now, but I'll never forget that.

To me, you should leave whether you have children or not, if this guy is blowing his second chance. It's not a good environment for children - allowing cheating isn't a very good lesson in life, and it's not a partnership anyways if you don't have children yet. I would say now is the time to step out, recover, and find someone who does care about how you feel, about being there for you, someone worthy of your trust. Someone your kid would be proud to call his Dad.

And no revenge. No contact. That's the best recovery route, and staying above his level.  

[ladyrose2]

I would say if he hurts you this much; they he will continue hurting your.. You know in your heart,whats going.. When is it time for you to be happy?  

[Lil Brat]

One final thought ~ if he's cheating on you, you could get a lot more than just a heartache... and some diseases have no cure ~ you could be stuck with it long after he's gone... some are downright deadly.

If you're serious about sticking it out, I'd definitely insist he get some testing and then some serious marriage counseling... Unless he's ready to be invested in the relationship, I can't see any point in moving so far away.  

[mekutataki]

Wow, it's amazing to me to see how may people on both this guild and another I am on say pretty mush the same things... I have no children yet, but we were talking about it. I would never stick with him if he tried to hit me, I came from an abusive household and I refuse that road again too. I have seen a change as of late too, I think I may go out there and give it a try, I mean it is impossible to work on a relationship 1/2 way around the world...So I'm gonna try. If all else fails, I will be able to get home one way or the other...  

[Harbone]

I'm afraid we men only change our behaviour patterns if we must and, even then, will gladly slide into something more odious and comfortable when given the first opportunity.

For instance, I haven't been able to keep a steady job since College. For a while, that was all right, but my wife can't stand it any more. I don't blame her. We are seriously considering divorce within in the next few months while our debts remain low. It hurts, of course, but if I'm not a good partner... then why inflict myself on others? (Except to irritate them, of course, which is one of the main reasons I post on these boards.)

But, what I'm trying to say is: if you've caught your husband cheating, he'll probably do it again, if he can (I would, no offense. Male culture in many countries sort of encourages that.) Personally, I couldn't get away with cheating if I wanted to, but very little would stop me if I could.

Sorry. Some men are better husbands than others, I suppose. I wish I was one of them!

Oh, and, don't move to Germany to save the relationship. Save the relationship (if both you and your husband think it's salvagable) before you move to Germany!