Man trouble, Advice needed...

[Cierrah]

Original_DraconicFeline

Is it really that bad? I made friend recently that is prepared to help and it would be a HUGE life change.

The worst part of all this is that I made him this way, he was extremely over protective in the begining and I felt smothered, and that caused me to chea on him twice. i doubt he will ever forgive me. And in the year that we have been living together I have done everything to try and make it up to him and except for the occasional bad mood he has been treating me relatively well. I just don't want to jet away and waste all my hard work. I wish there was a way I could be certain as to whether he will ever treat me as an equal.

So I am caught between a new chance at life or a chance at repairing this one... crying

It's sounds like you couldn't break up before when he was smothering you, and that you could have argued the cheating with him as a direct result of his behavior when it happened. But still, even though you've blamed the cheating on him, why are you trying to make up for it? Was cheating a way you hoped would result in the break up, and it didn't work out? If that's the case - and I could be wrong - why are you trying to repair something that you didn't want in the first place?

Are you trying to prove something to yourself? I've done that, and my cousin's going through that now so everyone thinks she's just doing great. I think women are proud when it comes to relationships. We don't want to be a part of a failing relationship, and we will punish and torture ourselves to try to fix whatever it is that's hurting us. If a pipe is getting too many leaks, it's time for a new pipe and a clean start. So that's my answer - A New Life.

Besides, as a result of the cheating, you're now stuck with a guy who will probably never trust you again. No matter how hard it is, you'll be both doing yourselves a favor in the end. You know'll that for yourself, and he may realize that someday, if he doesn't ruin some else's life first.  

[Cierrah]

I'm also thinking...what kind of things have you said to him to break up with him in the past? Maybe we could help you find some ways you can communicate your problems directly to him in a way that will effect him.

Also, I'm a spoiled American, and while I know that's the way of life is harder where you're at, I'm not that familiar with any cultural differences that could be holding you back from making the change. That women's shelter sure would have helped. stare What are the expectations of girls your age? How are you treated in general in contrast to men? Sorry to be naive, but the more I know, the more I'd like to think I could help.

But if you have a friend as an option, I'd say go for that.  

[Original_DraconicFeline]

Well I'm a white working class lady, expectations are to have a job that pays, Have a drivers licence and a car. And while working, being the housekeeper. Its pretty much like a combo of traditional and modern, a good cook, good mother if you have kids (Which thankfully I don't) and be successful in A career.

Well the 1st time we broke up it was me, then It was him and then it was him again, we have been on and off several times. He inhibits my freedom and I am disobedient. And in this year that I have been living with him I have endured being called a slut and being completely isolated from family and anyone that isn't HIS friends.

At the same time he has slowly become gentler and less firm, he acts like an overproctive father and that comes from the 1st day...

I highly doubt he wants to ever marry me and he often thretens to drop me of at a relatives house, his way of thretaning to break up.

I can'yt talk openly about where we stand with him because he immediatly gets tense and upset. Infact, unless he starts it, he generally hates conversation and I'm a blabber mouth.... crying

If there really is sound advice, I REALLY REALLY want to hear it.

Should I give up and start fresh? Or
Should I change the way we live as a couple for the better and how....?  

[Teayo]

I understand what you are going through .. been there done that sort of thing .. My mother was in abusive relationships left right and center.. and i was in am emotionally unstable one till I got out

You may be scared that you can't do it on your own but I'm telling you that you can .. no matter how hopeless it seems YOU CAN do it .. I was scared to leave my ex because i didn't think i could do it .. what i didn't realize was that there was a time that he didn't have a job for about 9 months that i took care of him ..

Now I am in a healthy happy relationship we both work .. neither one of us has cars but we both got our licenses about a year ago .. just have pride in yourself .. because you can do better .. ANYONE who isolates you from your family is not someone you want in your life .. before anything family is number one  

[Original_DraconicFeline]

I understand. Our personalities clash. Him being over bearing and me being disobediant and head strong. Ive had enough time to think about it and I have decided to make the leap to freedom.

I just have to find a way to let him down easy, He may be a jerk but he has been taking care of me rather well and if we didnt have issues we would have been happy. Unfortunately we do have issues and they can't be solved and time won't make them go away.

So now I just need a way to bow out gracefully.... sweatdrop  

[Cierrah]

I guess I would keep it along the lines that you're not happy, and that he doesn't seem to be happy either, and that you think it's time for each of you to go your own way. You cannot see yourselves getting married, and there are better matches out there to make both of you feel fulfilled.

If I want to end a relationship, and the guy isn't so willing - even after trying to say the above, I fib a bit. I don't kick him low by saying what I don't like about him, but I lead him to a conclusion that seems to be enough to make him move on. One of my ex's thinks I left him because of money, since we lived so poor and had next to nothing to eat. He thought I was weak and materialistic. What the truth was, was that he couldn't stick with a job to pay the bills, wasn't responsible enough to handle his own debts, and I always had to clean up after all his new messes so he wouldn't look bad. Didn't want to have children with a guy like that.

Another ex - my first big relationship - used to call me dumb so much that I started to believe it. He began to flirt with my best friend - they were together after we broke up - and I definitely lost interest. When I met my next ex from the previous paragraph, I finally decided to end it. This guy was totally unwilling to break up, so I had to hurt him. I told him I didn't want to end up like his mother. People treated her like she was stupid, she had no self esteem, and no one seemed to value her efforts to be a good mom and person. Because I was now the jerk for saying what I did, he could move on. I said nothing about my best friend, and nothing about the new guy waiting for me after I ended it. I saw him again about a year ago - he pretended I didn't exist. Oh well - at least his family still thought I was cool.

I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that if you want to end it, you'll say what you need to to end it. Time heals and you'll be happy you left it behind you.  

[Spirit Crusher]

My advice?

If you're through with him:

• Stay long enough to get yourself a driver's license and save enough money for a rental car. Then pack up and leave when he's not there. Set something up with your relatives.

If you want to work things out:

• Jealousy comes from insecurity. He's obviously insecure about your relationship. Ask him what's really bothering him. Then try to reassure him. If he gets his emotional needs met, maybe he'll stop being so controlling. What ever you do, don't end up his slave.

 

[Teayo]

Cierrah

I guess I would keep it along the lines that you're not happy, and that he doesn't seem to be happy either, and that you think it's time for each of you to go your own way. You cannot see yourselves getting married, and there are better matches out there to make both of you feel fulfilled.

If I want to end a relationship, and the guy isn't so willing - even after trying to say the above, I fib a bit. I don't kick him low by saying what I don't like about him, but I lead him to a conclusion that seems to be enough to make him move on. One of my ex's thinks I left him because of money, since we lived so poor and had next to nothing to eat. He thought I was weak and materialistic. What the truth was, was that he couldn't stick with a job to pay the bills, wasn't responsible enough to handle his own debts, and I always had to clean up after all his new messes so he wouldn't look bad. Didn't want to have children with a guy like that.

Another ex - my first big relationship - used to call me dumb so much that I started to believe it. He began to flirt with my best friend - they were together after we broke up - and I definitely lost interest. When I met my next ex from the previous paragraph, I finally decided to end it. This guy was totally unwilling to break up, so I had to hurt him. I told him I didn't want to end up like his mother. People treated her like she was stupid, she had no self esteem, and no one seemed to value her efforts to be a good mom and person. Because I was now the jerk for saying what I did, he could move on. I said nothing about my best friend, and nothing about the new guy waiting for me after I ended it. I saw him again about a year ago - he pretended I didn't exist. Oh well - at least his family still thought I was cool.

I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that if you want to end it, you'll say what you need to to end it. Time heals and you'll be happy you left it behind you.

did you date my ex's????? that sounds like dead on LOL  

[Original_DraconicFeline]

Last night I had a talk with my bf to get a clear idea of where he thinks we stand and was truly shocked to find that I actually had an open conversation. I asked him a few simple yet crucial questions and he answered as follows:

1. Where do we stand. - Couldn't answer but I derived the answer from what follows.

2. Do we have a positive future. - yes.

3. Will we marry any time soon. - yes.

4. Why does he isolate me from my family. - Because they are a bad influence and he doesn't like them at all.

5. Will he ever treat me as an equal. - No, because he believes no one is his equal and you are only his equal if you can beat him in a physical fight.

The reason I have been so confused and so desperately in need of advice is because he has treated me very well in the last 4 months, almost as if he actually FORGAVE me at last. Which puts me back at square one. Except that the friend that has offered to help me is really interested in dating me and I've told him its a go. He still has to fix his car before he can fetch me and he lives 400 miles away. And I being guilty of also being somewhat attracted to him have been flirting.

Man why do things always have to get so complicated... crying

So In light of the recent developements, PLEASE HELP!!! crying  

[Tirsden]

Original_DraconicFeline

Last night I had a talk with my bf to get a clear idea of where he thinks we stand and was truly shocked to find that I actually had an open conversation. I asked him a few simple yet crucial questions and he answered as follows:

1. Where do we stand. - Couldn't answer but I derived the answer from what follows.

2. Do we have a positive future. - yes.

3. Will we marry any time soon. - yes.

4. Why does he isolate me from my family. - Because they are a bad influence and he doesn't like them at all.

5. Will he ever treat me as an equal. - No, because he believes no one is his equal and you are only his equal if you can beat him in a physical fight.

The reason I have been so confused and so desperately in need of advice is because he has treated me very well in the last 4 months, almost as if he actually FORGAVE me at last. Which puts me back at square one. Except that the friend that has offered to help me is really interested in dating me and I've told him its a go. He still has to fix his car before he can fetch me and he lives 400 miles away. And I being guilty of also being somewhat attracted to him have been flirting.

Man why do things always have to get so complicated... crying

So In light of the recent developements, PLEASE HELP!!! crying

Oh geez, hun, the very last thing you should be doing is getting into a new relationship. You need some serious counseling, or at the very least to sit back and be single and figure yourself out before you try tackling a new relationship.

I am going to be honest and frank here because I was where you are (though I married a guy who was basically an internet predator... that is one long, sad story). But I think you need to hear this. Sit back, try to look outside the box, and... good luck. Forgive me for my lack of tact, when I see someone in a situation like this I want to reach out and help them any way I can. Other people have said everything else. Here's what my heart has for you.

He is not treating you well. Those things he said are just excuses. From the sound of it, your family is a bad influence, but he is just more of the same. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you've been conditioned by your family to be succeptable to further abuse. I should know. That is me. Or well, I'm working on making it "that was me." But anyways... the odds of you attracting another bad guy are waaay too high right now. Again, spoken from experience. If you can get help from this friend you've mentioned without going on the dating level, that would be best. If this friend is a good guy, he'll understand. If not, that's a big red flag. True friends help each other without expecting anything in return.

You have nothing to repair with this guy, he's someone you and all other women should stay far away from. Yes, it is "really that bad." (I too had to ask that question in a forum once.) And you may think you love him, but what you actually need is the chaos he represents. Your family set you up for it. You can do so much better. You just have to see it... and yeah, nobody's perfect, but this guy is awful and if you can get away from him and get the help you need, you'll look back and go "wowww..." I still remember the thoughts and feelings I had when I was stuck with my ex, but I know now how deluded I was. "I could have landed worse... I have a roof over my head... he's not that bad... right?" I could not have been more wrong.

I wish there was something I could do personally to help you. When I was where you are right now, I had nobody... I couldn't even call my parents who were a half-hour drive away, because I thought they'd make me get back together with my ex who I literally fled from while he was away at work. I went to a homeless shelter that threw us out during the day in the snow... for a week... the only white girl in a travelling shelter just outside north-east DC. The abuse crisis hotline was disconnected and even 911 couldn't properly help me (this is in the US guys, that's how sad things can get here) so that's why I ended up there. In the end, I did call my parents, and they only wanted me home safe. They handled things very badly (still are, but at least I'm not living with them anymore)... I only ever got help getting a restraining order on my ex because I finally broke down and freaked out at my mom for being so insanely stupid... but it was better than it could have been. I'm not sure if it helps to tell you all of this, but understand that I am bipolar, have Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning autism, makes dealing with social situations really hard), and I had no money by the time the taxi ride to the shelter was over. No driver's licence, and an ID from the wrong state.

But I did it. I think you can too. Please, please try. I hope things work out with this friend in a way that won't cause you further harm. If there is some other way you can get away from your ex... unfortunately I too am unfamiliar with South Africa. But when I escaped my ex, I threw myself into a completely unfamiliar situation. I have managed to survive and get somewhere better, and continue in that course. You need it now! *hugs and very best wishes*  

[Original_DraconicFeline]

Okay so the general consensus is still to leave. How should I go about it? The hurtful breakup method? The cruel vanishing act? Or the long painful converstation that probably won't turn out well...

I just want to end it peacefully. If that is even possible.

As for the friend I think he would understand my need for space. He likes me but it isn't serious.

And I haven't got a clue if I suffer from any kind of mental ilness, I just know that I have attempted suicide 13 times. And often get to that level of depression. I don't have a doctor and have never been to a dentist. I don't have any sort of medical aid or medical insurance. I have also never been to a shrink. I have however had an abortion once (with my current bf who practically forced me to go) And here we don't have a 911 or any kind of counsiling...

I don't know if my family really had much to do with this because my father died when I was 18 and my mom has always been very supportive of any decision I have ever made.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Original_DraconicFeline

Okay so the general consensus is still to leave. How should I go about it? The hurtful breakup method? The cruel vanishing act? Or the long painful converstation that probably won't turn out well...

I just want to end it peacefully. If that is even possible.

As for the friend I think he would understand my need for space. He likes me but it isn't serious.

And I haven't got a clue if I suffer from any kind of mental ilness, I just know that I have attempted suicide 13 times. And often get to that level of depression. I don't have a doctor and have never been to a dentist. I don't have any sort of medical aid or medical insurance. I have also never been to a shrink. I have however had an abortion once (with my current bf who practically forced me to go) And here we don't have a 911 or any kind of counsiling...

I don't know if my family really had much to do with this because my father died when I was 18 and my mom has always been very supportive of any decision I have ever made.

It sounds like you are blaming yourself, or are attempting to.

While I have not been in an abusive relationship, I have been with an abusive stepmother. I had to tell her I was leaving, and then I left. In your case, it will not end well if you speak about leaving, so I say you up and leave the second you find someone who will take you in.

You will likely need counseling after this. Leave that for later. Your primary concern is your safety and life. Yes, it is this bad. There is not any peaceful solution I can see. I say up and disappear, but older and wiser heads reading this can, and should, correct me.  

[Tirsden]

It's cruel what he's done to you. Leaving him without his knowing is not cruel, it's the safe way to do it. Once you're in a safe place, you can start looking to see what your options are. Sometimes you find things you didn't even know existed because you didn't know where to look. I'm almost wondering if someone at the US embassy would have that sort of information? It's all I can really think of right now, unless there are free health clinics in your area, or outreach programs.

And the reason I picked on parents is that is usually the source of someone who lands in an abusive situation and doesn't know any better. Even damage early on will still affect you for a long time. *hugs* I hope you make it out okay, keep us posted!!  

[BlueberryJoy]

Get out of there. Go to the police or to a shelter. Do not give him a way to contact or track you. Yes, he's that dangerous. All the red flags and warning signs are there. Please take it from someone who knows about dangerous, stalking ex-boyfriends. Don't try to smooth things over, don't try to 'win' with him. Just get out.  

[Lil Brat]

Original_DraconicFeline

5. Will he ever treat me as an equal. - No, because he believes no one is his equal and you are only his equal if you can beat him in a physical fight.

I think that pretty much tells you the whole story ~ no woman will ever be treated as a partner because they are unlikely to beat him in a physical fight... And he will never pick a woman who possibly could ~ it's all about the control ~ my mom worked a battered women's shelter when we were younger and I promise you are not the only woman who's been there and blaming themselves for the situation ~ it is not you, it is HIM ~ yes, I'm saying very clearly: GET OUT! And don't warn him you are leaving ~ he could very easily trap you in and make life worse...