I need advice: What would you do?

[KaShash]

Ok, lets see if I can make some two cents for you that isn't either a repeat of what others said, or just fluffy "keep your chin up" messages.

I do agree that communication is key. Try dating someone who knows you enough that you can open up to him about how you instinctively react to such situations. He should be able to understand that.

I also agree that it may be your uncle that caused this reaction with men. If you think it is, then problem identified; but if you have doubts, then keep searching for other clues that might be it. Try not to search too hard, as sometimes you'll miss what you're looking for. wink

If you'd like to 'get over' your reactions and fear, perhaps you can try some thing like a controlled environment.

Example:

Be with someone that you are dating and who knows of your fear. From there have them say out loud "I am going to hold your hand". Yes, this sounds childish, but it prepares you for the fear you will feel.

Next, hold his hand for maybe a minute. While holding hands, tell him aloud your current feelings. Don't be shy and don't omit anything! After the designated time is up, you may let go and calm down again. Tell him how you may act in the future because of things like this so he knows to expect this.

Also, if you feel you need him to tell you that he will do nothing else, then asking him to tell you that. Ask him to tell you: "I will only hold your hand. I will not hug you."

Try repeating the process on a weekly basis (or whatever interval is comfortable for you). Slowly increase the length of time during the interaction (from 1 min, to 1min 30 sec. from that to 2 min... from that to 3. Fromt hat to maybe even five, but do it slowly, not every session needs to go longer than the last, you can even go less if you feel the need!).

When you finally can handle one type of affection (holding hands) without much effort at all, then move onto the next (hugs?).

If you are uncomfortable doing this with only two two of you present, have other friends be present (girls, guys or mixed, your choice) who know of your feelings and fears. They can even encourage you! Not encourage you to go longer or stretch what you're currently comfortable with, but tell you that you're safe, that there are here for you, and other things that seem silly, but in the end help just that extra little bit.

I am not an expert and this process may take years, but perhaps it will give you an idea of something that you can do to break what's going on.  

[Harbone]

There's a lot of great advice on this thread.

But, I wonder, have you ever considered becoming a consecrated virgin?
I mean, if you've been able to avoid sex for 4 decades, why not make a lifetime of it?

You can say to yourself: "I'm proud of being a virgin and I'm damn well gonna stay that way!"

Of course, if you're not religious, that might be a stupid suggestion, but I didn't see it in any of the other posts, so I wanted to make sure you had yet another option.

And, anyway, you really aren't missing much. I've never felt sex was all that spectacular, anyhow. I am an avid onanist, however.  

[mizducky]

I agree with the far majority of this thread.

Things that have stood out to me:
1. You were definitely abused whether or not it was full on intercourse is irrelevant. The fact that you feel like you need to cleanse yourself (wipe your mouth after kissing) and force yourself to participate in limited contact is evidence of this.

2. You obviously do want to be able to have a physical relationship with (presumably) a man, or else this wouldn't be an issue for you.

All I can really say, is:
Do NOT be ashamed of inexperience. If that is part of what makes you withdraw, then try your best to get over that little detail. It is nothing to be ashamed of and any one who is actually worth your time and feelings will not only understand, but they will do what ever is in their power to accommodate you.

Lastly, when it is finally right for you then let it be. Try to make sure that he understands your apprehension and I'm sure that with some work you'll be able to get past this.
I truly wish you the best!  

[shall she sail seas]

KaShash speaks truth.

If you're able to voice out or visualise what you are going to do in some tangible way, you are more likely to do it. Let your potential romantic partner know about what you've been through. Chances are, they're going to be understanding and patient. If not, they're not worth your time in the first place.

I have intimacy/trust issues as well, although not quite as severe as yours, it seems. While my partner does not know all the details about it, he knows that the problem exists. I guess part of his understanding also comes from the fact that he was also abused as a child. He knows how to push me slowly and gradually out of my comfort zone.

Take baby steps like KaShash mentioned. Your potential romantic partner may or may not want to push you, depending on their personality. They might feel it'll make things worse for you or they might feel they're trying to help you get over it. Let them know what sort of help you prefer, but in the end, you're the one who has to work hard to overcome your fears.

I'm not too sure about having friends to encourage you, but a public setting may make simpler displays of affection less intimate than when you're in a private space.

If someone is attracted to you and feels that they want to be intimate with you, it's most likely that they already know something about your personality (from what you've said of your social life). So the further physical attraction has very high probability being combined with sincere emotional attraction to you as well, not using you for sex. Their intentions are going to be good. You just need to speak up.  

[TamlinSan]

Thanks!

I will take everything into consideration. While I hate to admit it, after thinking things over for awhile, I am going to reluctantly admit, I might...okay probably was abused. I just can't remember it... confused

With that in consideration, I will consider what would be the best way to go about dealing with the situation. I think a bit of honesty, now that I am trying to be more honest with myself, would work if I start feeling pressured and uncomfortable.

Blueberry Joy- Yes, I know that I am probably bi. I prefer men, but I have always been attracted to women as well. I have considered in the past side-stepping the entire problem by dating women and am still considering it. I don't seem to freeze around them, so there is a major plus that might override the preference biggrin But would that really solve the underlying problem of trust and intimacy if I am basically running away from it? I don't know... I'll think it over.