The golden joke

[Nei1]

Two seagulls named Gracie and Heathcliff. They were flying over sea when they see a cruise liner. Gracie says, "Look, the ship of fools." Puzzled, Heathcliff asks, "How do you know that's the ship of fools?" Gracie coyly replies, "They're looking up."  

[-Stumblefoot-]

Whats grey, stands at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of ya?....


A kidney dialasis machine!!  

[Nei1]

Back when the world was scared of the Y2K bug, Microsoft announced that new version of Windows will be released in latter half of 1902.  

[babyshinobi]

ok Darthsethus.... I think this is pretty close to PG rated...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a dump!"  

[Nei1]

Updating the dictionary:

Decor -what's left after eating an apple.

High Chair - the way two stool greet each other.

Deliver - that's what you get with the onions.

Menu - a college were only guys go.

Booze - the sound you make when your favorite team looses

Homer - the first Greek poet to hit one out of the ball park.  

[-Stumblefoot-]

He he! good one girls! 30 jokes away from the first give away!

Bob dies and goes to heaven. When he arives at the pearly gates St Micheal shows him around and gives him the low down.
"We have a new system here" he tells Bob "becouse heaven is so big, weve decided to give everyone there own transport to get around by, how good you was in life will decide what your given" He checks his books and tells Bob "well youve been OK, youve been a good father and hussband and only ever told 34 lies in your whole life! You get to drive this 3 series BMW. Have a test drive and see how you feel in it"
So bob takes it for a spin around heaven and 20 mins later comes back.
"So how do you like it, any problems?" asks St Micheal "well its OK" replies Bob "But I think the breaks need some attention, I was coming around the corner a moment ago and nearly knocked the vicar off his bike!"  

[Nei1]

This restaurant was giving out prizes randomly by placing a ticket on a plate what the person won. Now, a couple were eating breakfast at this restaurant and the wife's plate won something. She excitedly she says that she won a Winnebago. The waitress states that she could not have won a Winnebago and the largest prize was fully paid dinner. The wife insists that she won and wants to speak to a manager to claim her prize.

That manager comes over and looks at the ticket, "Ma'am this doesn't say you won a Winnebago, it says that you win a bagel."  

[-Stumblefoot-]

A lawyer is driving home from work one day to his lovey country mansion, when he see's a poor man, kneeling on all fours eating the grass from the side verge. Concerned he pulls over and asks the man " My god sir! what are you doing, and on earth why!?"
The poor man replies "Why sir! Im so poor im starving! why not only cant I feed myself, but I have a family at home I cant provide for"
The lawyer takes time to reflect, then answers "well my god man, you and your whole family shall come with me to my mansion where you shall eat all you can!"
The man thanks him emensly and gives him directions to his hovel where the lawyer pics the whole family up and takes them home with him"
when he arives he gets out his car, walks in his mansion and closes te door behind him.
5 mins later the poor man knocks on his door and asks "Oh sir, I dont mean to seam ungratfull, but did you not say you would feed me and my family all we can eat?"
The lawyer replies "Well get to it man! Theres 25 achres there and the lawn hasnt been mowed in weeks!!!"  

[Angelicphrase]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.  

[babyshinobi]

sweatdrop dont know if this is completely G rated but its my favourite joke so had to add this 1... hope it counts!!!!

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!"

and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"
mrgreen  

[-Stumblefoot-]

An Italian girl has just married and is getting ready for her honey moon night with the help of her mother. she changes in to the clothes her mother has bought for her and goes upstairs to her new husband.
"Ah, Sophia! You look beautiful!" Says Giovani, and takes off his shirt.
She takes one look and runs out the room to her mum, crying "Momma, momma! He has a hairy chest!" "Dont worry child" Answers her mum. "All good men have'a the hairy chest" and gives her a pat on the back.
Sophia returns upstairs "Oh sophia!" says Giovani "you have returned!" and takes off his trousers.
She takes one look and again runs out the room to her mum. "Momma! Momma! He has hairy legs!" "Dont worry child!" reasures her mum. "All good men have'a the hairy legs! its'a good sign! Now go upstairs and make'a da love to your husband!"
So She returnes upstairs "Oh sophia! are you ok my bambino!?" asks Giovani. "Si, im OK now" Replies sophia.
Feeling a bit braver now she takes a good look at her new husband in his birhday suit. Suddenly she notices he has three toes missing off of his right foot! Alarmed she runs down to her mother crying "Momma momma! He has a foot and a half!!" "Well then stand aside child!" Replies her mum. "This is a job for your momma!"  

[Angelicphrase]

Things men say when having there colonoscopies

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"  

[Azred Crimlean]

Angelicphrase

Things men say when having there colonoscopies

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

You forgot, "da da da da, da da da, GOldfinger! He's the man, the man with his finger up my...."  

[Angelicphrase]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
rofl