What are your thoughts about my situation?

[Siumbering Princess22]

wow my response to all of that is WHAT THE ********?? I honestly would never have apologized to those girls for what you said in the thread. They very well know he has a girlfriend. And they're talking about you.

I'm reading all of the crap you're saying hes doing. Why are you with him?? I know you say you love him and you'd basically just die without him. But I am telling you that you will get over it. It will hurt for a while, but I can promise you if you EVER EVER want to be happy in your life you need to get away from him. He is slowly killing off you self respect and self confidence. Plus giving you major trust issues. I can tell you right off the bat and I'm almost 100% positive I'm right. You two will not work. And the longer you stay with him the harder it is going to be for you to ever be in a healthy strong relationship in the future.

Everything that hes doing right now is scarring you. You are going to bring the trust issues the insecurities you have into your next relationship. And believe me sweetie you do not want that. You seem like such a great wonderful girl. Why let any man destroy that?? Why take away the opportunity of a good man treating you right?? Because in the end you are going to wind up destroying future relationships because of the pain this guy has caused you. Please don't every say you need a man who would ever do such things to you. You to stop and realize that you don't need him.

If his own family even points out that he treats you like a dog, then what does that tell you?? He verbally abuses you, and while no it isn't physical. Don't underestimate the damage his words can do to you. It has already gotten you in deep enough for you to think it is alright for anyone to say those things to you. When in the end no man should ever speak to you that way.

Don't play the games, don't try and make him jealous. Open up your eyes and see you deserve better. It isn't about these girls, don't bother with them. Because if it wasn't them it would be someone else. This guy didn't single these two girls out. He flirts with whoever is willing to flirt back. And that isn't someone you want.

You really need to figure out what you're going to do. You deserve respect from the man you're with. And if he can't show that....he doesn't truly love you.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

oh and by the way that whole "im not going to change this is who i am" is pure bull crap. thats his way of saying hey im not gonna stop flirting and im not about to compromise to help make this relationship better. thats him saying "i dont give a ******** and if you don't like it leave" and he knows you wont. Because if you were you woulda left him at that dinner he took you to, to dump you infront of his family. So he basically knows he can do whatever he pleases. So when are you going to realize this??? When are you going to say ok Im gonna make the change and leave him??  

[Otia]

Thank you so much Princess. I will take this into consideration. I love him more than anything. I'd jump into a sharkinfested beach to save him, if not, die pushing him out, and he loves me more than anything, but... It's wrong of him to tell me he won't even compromise...
I asked him yesterday if he respected me, and he said he did. Also, later when we were on the phone, he asked me if I wanted to know what he talked about with those girls yesterday, and I said ; No, I don't care, what you talk to them about is what you talk to them about and it stays with you guys, because I don't want to see or hear it anymore.
But, in fact, he wasn't intending on telling me about all the flirty crap they were saying, but to tell me that they talked about religion, too.
I was thinking ; ...And I care, why?
Then I thought ; Well, at least it made him happy.
With each passing day, I feel myself losing God, and it makes me very sad. I used to do what I felt was right and good, but now... I do what I feel like doing because I have ADHD so bad that I can't stay on a single subject long enough to complete it. Also, with him stressing me out over stuff like this, and past issues I had growing up makes me really depressed. So I gain weight.
I can honestly say that he's easily the best part of my life, and that I wouldn't change how we met in any way. But, I would certainly do some things better if I had known. For one, I would have kicked in the nuts the first time he disrespected me. And when he made me go to the dinner with him, I would have made him realise that there was no point in his actions but to make a scene and show EVERYBODY in Romeo how disrespectful he was.
I'm at fault, too, though. I'm so ADHD that it drives him wonkers...
I can't physically help that, though. If I could, I would and we'd still be happy together... We are, but... We keep having conflicts, like HIS double standards.
He thinks that it's ok for a girl to hang off of him and sit on his lap in a bar simply because he wouldn't let it go anywhere, but I couldn't have a guy do the same to me.
WTF... What's that..!? I argued, but he twisted my words and made it look like his side of the argue was submissable and mine wasn't. GR.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

I don't know you, but the situation is highly upsetting for me. Because I have gone through this, and been in this situation. My boyfriend treated me the same way, and I stayed because the happiness I felt with him was what I wanted. I didn't wanna break up with him, and have nothing. But I didn't realize how it was going to haunt me down the line. You say it's your fault as well because you have a condition?? How is that in any way your fault?? And if he were to ever use that against you, that would be a complete jackass thing to do.

Once me and my boyfriend broke up. I was devastated, and heartbroken. I couldn't live without him. So I decided I was going to prove to him I was the one for him. I was so desperate to be with him I made myself look like a fool over and over for this man. I slept with him hoping him spending time with me and being with me in that way would remind him how much he loved me and how much I meant to him. It never did, and it never worked. I know you don't think it could get to that level. And neither did I. I was with this guy for 5 years, and though he treated me perfectly. He cheated on me over & over. And because I "loved him" I dealt with it and tried to make it work. I would have taken a bullet for that guy.

But what I didn't understand is that no he didn't respect me. And neither does your boyfriend. The fact is he wouldn't do those things if he did. And it isn't like he is doing these things without knowing they are hurting you. Because he very well knows how you feel about it.

I see so much of myself in the things you are saying, and I don't want you to go through the same obstacles I have to love someone again. You are gaining weight, and already having self esteem issues. How much worse is this going to get? You have even noticed you're changing into someone you don't wanna be. I got so caught up in the love that I forgot to take care of myself. I thought being with him was what made me happy. But in the end it's what hurt me.

I realized never to put any mans happiness before mine. And if you're feeling in the pit of your stomach that this man is no good for you, then you're most likely knowing deep inside you shouldn't be with him. I guess it's just something you are going to have to go through and learn.

I just really wish young girls wouldn't have to go through such heartbreak to learn that they deserve better. That no man should ever treat you in that way. Whether it be verbally or physically. And that there ARE men out there who won't treat you that way. I have finally found someone who treats me better then anyone in my life has ever treated me. And I cherish every moment he is in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. And I want that for you. I hope you understand the value you hold, and that any man would be lucky to have the chance to learn just how valuable you are.  

[Patron with a Mission]

I suppose, in the end, it depends on how much of this you're willing to take. Different people have different opinions. I don't usually flirt at all; actually, I'm rather bad at it. sweatdrop

But seeing as the boyfriend I'm with is actually a reconciliation with my ex, maybe things are different seeing as we understand each other a bit better and know when the other is at their limit of tolerance.

As for the OP, all I can really tell you is that if it seems he's not respecting or listening you anymore, drop him and leave. Easier said than done, but it will help you more in the long run in terms of confidence and learning to love again kinda deal. Hope things get better for you.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

sounds like the boyfriend has some maturing to do as well. stare

I skimmed over the thread in question, by the way... what the girls said actually wasn't as bad as Otia was making it sound. I think if you're given a chance to view the other side of the story, you should always take it before giving further advice. A person is only going to tell their side of the story and always make it sound like they are more victimized than they actually are. If Exor had come to us first and said that he was having trouble with his girlfriend, people would sympathize with him more {as can be seen in the Life vs. Love topic... although it's pretty clear that Exor has control issues even from his own side of the story}.

I do agree that this relationship is going no-where, though. You, Otia, obviously just stick with him because of the idea of being in love rather than actual love. If you actually read all of his topic instead of just his posts, you would have found some good advice for yourself... such as these quotes:

bandaidd

I was in love with a guy once. I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be. Every word was a kiss or a knife, depending on if he approved what I was wearing, doing, saying. He had expectations I was clueless about until he gave me "talking to's". I am not saying I am her...

I just wondered if she is doing the same thing I did and if she will always feel inadequate. I clung to that relationship, because being alone was so horrifying.

Etoile de la Mer

Contrary to what some people believe, you can be wonderfully happy without having someone to date or live with.

TamlinSan

If you are micro-managing her actions, she'll probably be relieved in the long run about this break up.

No intelligent adult likes to be told what to do and how to do it.

 

[Exor Omega]

Be advised: The demon has a name.

I'd like to start off by pointing out the obvious... Didn't this thread start by getting other people together and badmouthing an individual for allowing others to badmouth an individual? That's certainly interesting, isn't it?

I, this horrible person with no morality and no loyalty, have kept this girl whose love life is so terrible in my apartment, sustained her on my dollar alone, and given her everything I could in order to help. I rescued a self-worthless girl from a nigh-pointless life as a stripper. I helped put her back in school and turn her life around. I made her happy and did my damndest to help her get the life I thought she could have. I, this fiend among fiends, put my entire life on hold for her. Living day-in and day-out with her shortcomings, laziness, lack of ambition and action. Day after day without respite in the same one bedroom apartment with a girl with the same problems that did not seem to change have taken a great toll upon me. I have my limits, yet oh what a villain I am.

I am not here to defend myself in this case or to prove to you what I really am. I am here because something told me to finally read this thread. After doing so, it is evident that my attempts are not sufficient and in knowing this I will cease to offer them. There is no point to this, as you say. You are not happy and you wish to change things that are beyond the scope of your control. There is but one option available, and so it must be taken.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

nice to see your side of it. But regardless of what you have done for her. That doesn't give you a right to put her down, take advantage of her. Or openly flirt with other women. You did great things for her. You don't get to treat her however you wish because of it. Just from the simple things she has said you've done, that is more then enough to merit to calling you an abusing boyfriend. Nothing gives you the right to treat someone the way she says you have. You are not better then her because you "saved her from a life of stripping". She still deserves respect. And I am just giving the girl advice based on what has been told. So can you give reasons for why you would invite your family on a dinner to break up with your girlfriend???  

[ThisEmptySoul]

For the record, no the thread did not start about bad mouthing. Read the first post again and you'll see she was merely talking about flirting and not bad mouthing.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if you rescued her from a speeding train that was going to run her over and blow her up at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to do whatever the hell you want in the relationship. Similarly, she doesn't get to do whatever she wants either because relationships are about compromise, however... you {Exor} act as if the combination of your past and "being her savior" entitles you to everything you want and more.

You need to grow up and get over yourself. Stop blaming "Nightmare" for your problems. It's a lot easier to think that things are "out of your control" when you just lump the blame onto a separate persona, but in reality they are still in your control but you don't want to control it or you're just not sure what to do about it.

This reminds me of a friend of my spouse who often puts the blame of things going wrong in his life and his relationships on numerous personas and unseen entities just so he can continue doing what he does without feeling guilt or remorse. When he looks back on the event, he'll just say to himself, "It was {insert persona name here}'s fault, not mine. I'm innocent and I did everything I could to make it work, but {persona} wouldn't let me be happy." At one point, he seriously thought he was an incubus and that's why his relationships didn't work out.

I'm not saying Otia is innocent {as she has some growing up to do as well} and I'm certainly not suggesting that you two should keep trying to work it out, because it's obvious to me that you {Exor} should not be with anyone right now. You have too many problems of your own to be in a relationship and you should have realized that a long time ago.

A relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows all the time, and it doesn't mean that the person you're with bends to your will or always meets or exceeds your expectations. There are draw backs to every relationship and you have to learn to compromise or work things through. In this relationship, neither Exor or Otia have a clue as to what they really want either in life or in the relationship and seem to just kind of stick with each other despite their differences not because of "love", but because they don't know what else to do {been there myself before}.

In some sense it kind of seems like you both might be looking for a "traditional" relationship in which the man provides while the woman stays home, but you have different ideas as to what all responsibilities that entails for each of you. Relationships like that can work as long as both understand what their obligations are and fulfill them... or are at least understanding of and encouraging each other to fulfill them. {There's a difference between encouraging someone to clean the house and flat out demanding they do it. Demanding is a lot less likely to get you the desired result.}

Being that Otia is still a teenager {something Exor should have thought of before complaining about her laziness and lack of motivation}, like most her age she probably isn't completely ready for such a relationship as it requires more responsibility than most teenagers are used to handling. She probably still wants the opportunity to enjoy her youth before becoming an adult. As such, if she is going to be in a relationship at all {which she doesn't need to be}, it should be with someone who is understanding of this.

This is why it is always good to date someone on the same maturity level as you. If you date someone with a lower maturity level, all you're going to do is try to make them grow up faster than they are ready to and make them feel bad about themselves. If you date someone of a higher maturity level, they will have higher expectations of you than you might be ready to fulfill. And while you both may have growing up to do, you are not on the same maturity level and are completely incompatible.  

[Otia]

All of you have acceptable reasons, but I would never let go of him. I won't. I started this thread because I wanted help dealing with my jealousy issues, not because I wanted my relationship to die. I don't think I stated prior that I'm mentally unstable without him... I went through a lot of crap and life only started looking better when I met him. I haven't cut since I met him, and leaving him would be a very, VERY bad idea.

When we're alone and in a good sense, we laugh, joke, giggle, and play with each other. The only reason why we have problems is because he's depressed and stressed. I'll do something terribly stupid without him around... He's the reason why I stopped hurting myself in the first place.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Otia

All of you have acceptable reasons, but I would never let go of him. I won't. I started this thread because I wanted help dealing with my jealousy issues, not because I wanted my relationship to die. I don't think I stated prior that I'm mentally unstable without him... I went through a lot of crap and life only started looking better when I met him. I haven't cut since I met him, and leaving him would be a very, VERY bad idea.

When we're alone and in a good sense, we laugh, joke, giggle, and play with each other. The only reason why we have problems is because he's depressed and stressed. I'll do something terribly stupid without him around... He's the reason why I stopped hurting myself in the first place.

I really can't keep replying to this crap..this is just ridiculous. You're mentally unstable without him? It is never ok to depend on someone else to keep you mentally stable. That is never healthy, and plus you're using him as a crutch. If you can only not cut yourself or harm yourself in any way as long as he is around then you have a lot of issues and that is no way to live. This whole relationship is built on him acting like your parent, and you allowing it because you are so insecure and dependent on him. I read through the thread he made. And it seems like you have problems with taking responsibility. You need to seek some help, and really work through your problems. Stop using this guy as an excuse for your lack of responsibility. You have a lot of growing to do, and you have a lot of issues you keep trying to hide behind. And the sooner you see that hiding behind a man isn't going to fix that, the better off you will be. Good luck..I realize none of what any of us say will help you. This is something that is going to have to crash and burn before you open your eyes.  

[Otia]

Wouldn't be the first time I've been called that.
Honestly, I have been. In the past month, i've put in 16 applications, followed up on them, checked out college, started seeing a counselor, and been cleaning a lot more. I've been working on that.
The reason I a this thread was because I needs help dealing with him being flirty with other people. How did it get so derailed? >_<
I have no intentions of leaving him. ='

He's flipping out now.q  

[ThisEmptySoul]

regardless of your intentions, the both of you made your relationship very public by posting about it in multiple places. If you did not want him to see what you were going to say or didn't want other people's opinions on your relationship, then you should keep it off the internet. And the fact that you made this thread in a forum in which you knew full well that he would likely see it eventually {as it is a forum that he has posted on himself} makes it seem like you wanted to get "caught".

So instead of taking your issues straight to him, you went around him and waited for him to see you complaining to others about his actions, which always makes things worse. Perhaps you were thinking this would "force" him to talk to you about it, but the only "talking" that would arise from this argument.

If all you wanted advice on was his flirting, then why did you bother sharing so much other information? The advice we give is dependent on the information given... if you give information that involves more than just flirting, it sounds like you're asking for more advice and we respond accordingly. What this looks like to me, though, is that you're just trying to bring up that the thread was "derailed" because things did not work in your favor when Exor read it.

I am not your scapegoat. -You're- the one that decided to post about it instead of talk to Exor about it and -you're- the one that complained about various aspects of the relationship that had nothing to do with the initial flirting problem.

I completely agree with Slumbering Princess that this is just ridiculous {along with everything else she said in her last post}. Don't bother "asking for advice" if all you really want to do is complain to others or start a fight with your boyfriend. {Similar can be said to Exor.}  

[Siumbering Princess22]

I agree with everything ThisEmptySoul said. I would have never known any of the information I commented on if you hadn't told me. And reading through my posts. I don't think I ever one said "so what else does he do?". So it got derailed once you started bringing up other things he does. In the end you are both young and you clash quite a bite. Just communicate is the last thing I will say. Good luck to you both.