lisiana

[Lisiana]

Actually, it started this morning.

I don't know why, but something just ticked me off. I'm sure I didn't mind my mom asking me to clean my stuff and sweep the house--you know, household stuff. And I'm sure that I didn't mind my dad asking me to prepare the camera whilst I was doing the cleaning.

Okay, fine. Maybe that did spark up something, but it was only little. I was almost done with sweeping off the dust bunnies in my room when my dad told me to prepare the camera right at that instant. I decided to finish my first job before the camera thing, but he told me to prioritize the camera first. It ticked me off to some extent, but I did not show it. I did a bit of his assigned job and then finished her assigned job, and, finally, I finished his job.

And then I took a cold, cold shower. It really helped a lot in cooling off.

Fast forward to the reason why he was fidgety about the camera: the Family Christmas Party.

I like celebrating Christmas with my family. It's a refreshing break from being cooped up inside home all the time. It all started well and dandy, to say the least. People were eating, we were solving riddles (which, until now, has not been answered) and, generally, just talking about what's going on in our lives.

Hours after lunch, the second tick-off happened. My best friend and I decided to sing some karaoke, but, almost at the last minute, she gave me the mic so that I could sing instead. I was like, "Hell, no. We both should sing together." But she shook her head.

-TBC.  

[Lisiana]

1/2/2012

First of all, happy New Year everyone. biggrin

I've decided not to continue the previous entry, since it's too... sad and frustrating and, well, depressing. And that's not a good way to start the New Year, right?

Besides, I've built a bridge and got over it now. I'm ready for a fresh New Year.

What I'm not ready for, however, is school. Which happens to be tomorrow.

Ugh. There are two things I positively dread doing tomorrow: knowing my grades and confronting him.

I don't know what has become of them anymore. Now that I look back at the week, I guess I got too excited about the Christmas break that I wrote my answers in a frenzy, without even a second thought. I don't think I can take it. I'm literally holding my breath.

And my heart is pounding at the thought of meeting him again. In the flesh. At school. Everyday.

For the past week since Christmas morning (three a.m.), we have not kept in touch. Yeah, he goes online at the same time I get online, but... I don't think he likes talking to me. Ever again.

I imagine that one of the main reasons is that his parents (or mom) got mad at him for sleeping at three o'clock in the friggin' morning. I would be too, if I had growing kids. Maybe he's avoiding me so that he would avoid staying up late and getting scolded. I feel bad now.

OR, maybe he's avoiding me because he doesn't want to talk to me. I mean, our chats are literally filled with topics of her, and now that his big gift-giving has been done and over with, he ran out of topics to talk about... or he simply refuses to talk about anything with me.

GAH. I'm overthinking again. Maybe... maybe he's just busy.

But, hey, you know? This should be fine. Now that we're not chatting, I have free leeway for my sister and my best friends... right?

Yet, how come, everyday, I keep on hoping that... I keep on wishing that... I keep on dreaming that one day he'd talk to me again?

You don't know how much that thought had been recycling inside my mind for the past few days. In fact, I thought about it so much, that I managed to pull out an unfinished song (unfinished because this is just a line of the imaginary chorus and bridge.)

Why do I keep on falling in love
When I know that nobody's there

To catch me, to love me,
to hold me close to his heart
To save me, to stop me,
to keep me from breaking apart.

Why do I keep on falling in love
When I know that you're never there?

Ahhh... inspirations come from the weirdest places, neh? I just wish I could use this in a song, if I ever compose one in the future.  

[Lisiana]

I'm just happy yet disturbed at the same time.

Happy, because, well, WE'RE ALL FRIENDS AGAIN! WHEEE. Thank you, God, for letting us be friends again. It is such a blessing that all of us could be on good terms again, especially when our senior year is almost coming to an end. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I've been hoping this could happen, that he and my best friend would remain friends. It feels so natural just to be with the both of them, talking about anything that bothers us (except for some personal stuff like him having a crush on a girl we all know and her not wanting to do something). Like the tango our choreographer taught us.

Yeah, I guess the tango is good for a change. But that style of dance requires a cocktail--short--dress to really bring out its beauty. And we're wearing long, poofy gowns. Well, others are wearing long poofy gowns. I'm wearing a long gown that's not poofy; it just "falls" down from the waist to the ground.

It also requires a fiery soul for an intimate embrace. At least, for me, it does require all that shiz. (PM me if I'm wrong.) While I don't mind my partner's hand at my back, I do sympathize with the others. They had to have teachers as partners because there was no one else. If they could, they would've brought outsiders to dance with them.

How I wish they could. It's my last year at school, and I really, really don't want anyone to miss out on what will be a memorable night. It just... isn't right. You know, that feeling when you're enjoying something, and, at the back of your mind, the others aren't feeling quite the same or the others are just stuck home with nothing to do and they can't call or text because you're so busy with the event so they have to wait until the next week to be updated on what happened in that event.

It's sad really, what they're doing. You see, the ones who paired [all of] us up... yeah, it was unfair of them to do so. Yeah, sure, the inevitable is inevitable, but it could have been prevented if and only if they've actually thought of our position instead of, "Ah, they're not that fussy. They won't mind being partnered with blah blah blah."

But we do mind (at least those who are not happy with their partners), we really do. We want this night to be happy for everyone. Okay, so maybe if we switch up the partners again, it would cause some trouble for some people, but... if those people would be partnered with those who still have one year to go, I think it wouldn't be so bad. They still have another year, after all. While we have only now, and we wouldn't want to waste it, you know.

Sigh. Thanks for ruining my good mood. But I feel all better now.  

[Lisiana]

Okay, so several weeks ago, I and my sister had our dresses tailored.

The other week, the dress was almost finished, so the seamstress asked us to go to her and try on the dress. My sister fitted hers so perfectly. And mine?

The zipper at my back can't even reach its top end. This gave me the conclusion that I've gone fat. gonk

And, ever since then, I've been conscious around my classmates. Whenever I see them with something other than a school uniform, I'd feel like my self-esteem just got even lower. They're not the skinny type; they're slim. Not fat, not skinny, but slim. One of us even has all the right curves, judging from the top she wore yesterday. (No, don't worry, it wasn't anything too revealing or too tight; just enough so that her top hugged her frame gently. I'm not lesbian either; I just notice these things.)

And I'm sitting there like, why the fudge have I gone fat?

Yesterday, we ate out and I was pigging away. The thought of me and fat didn't even reach me, until that afternoon, after I ate a slice of pizza and opened a box of chips sent over by that day's birthday celebrant. I moaned and chewed away anyway.

And then I complained to my classmates, "I'm going to get fat again. The dress is so not going to fit me again."

Oh, how wrong I was! That evening, my mom brought home the finished product. They've already readjusted all measurements so that the dress will fit me once and for all.

And it did. As I twirled around and enjoyed watching my dress swish left to right in front of the mirror... I felt as if I'm turning into one of those girly girls.

I was finally happy that it did fit me.

But then, this morning, realization hit me as I type down this diary entry. If they've readjusted all the dress' measurements, then that means I've really gotten fat.

... -sulks in a corner-

Pushing dresses aside, I am now faced with an even bigger problem: how do I get rid of back pimples?

Last night, I've promised myself that I'd maintain the pimple-attack regimen the dermatologist had recommended me. I've also browsed through the internet on some pimple home remedies. So, I think I'm pretty good right now.

I just need the discipline and the time to work this through.

I feel like I don't have the time to actually make this work because prom's just one week away. I was not able to do this whole... thing because of a competition that drove me insane to the bone. (Luckily, I and my best friend bagged second place. Which is good, considering our past entries in that competition. It was worth it.)

I didn't have time to do the regiment. But, now, I hope I do.

... but I still think I got fat.

-sulks in a corner again-  

[Lisiana]

I hate it. This feeling...

... I think it's what they call the "J" word. J-J-JJealousy.

Yuck. It even sounds so gross coming from my mouth.

But I think it's true. I don't know.

Because every time I see her (it's another girl; I think he's crushing on her too, but he just wouldn't admit it or maybe he doesn't realize it himself yet) photos last Saturday night (no, don't worry. When I see her now, it's the normal--"Hey, how 'ya doin'," stuff; it's just the photos that bother me [again, don't worry, they weren't bad photos, they were good. So, so good.]), I feel my hairs standing out. Once I start to get control, I could heart this pang-type of sound in my heart.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I mean, why the fudge should I, of all people in his life, be mad at her? She's his friend, yes, that's bordering on crush now (I like to think I know what are his [and, practically, everyone else's] "falling" signs. He kept on talking about her during our chat last night.) He's her friend, whose feelings I do not know (it's kind of harder to tell if she likes him back or not because we're not close. At all. It's not because of bad stuff, heck no; it's just because she's in another year, and I'm in another year.) They're both friends. Everyone's happy, riiiight?

Well, then, how come... UGH. JUST STOP IT, OKAY?!

It's getting kind of annoying. All these jealousy stuff. I mean, I'm not his girlfriend, wife or mother or anything. I'm just his classmate. His clearly ugly classmate. And he has an eye for beautiful women, which is why I'm never, ever going to be noticed by him in a different way no matter how hard I try for him.

Shoot. Did I just say that?

Oh well. It seems like it's the end of the line for me. I should stop now before it's too late. There's still time to back out before anything happens, i.e. our friendship getting ruined.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't hate her. I don't hate him. I just hate myself for feeling this way.

I hope it goes away. I mean, what are the chances of me and him (or any guy, for that matter) end up together? Zero, I tell you. Zero. I'm ugly, he's pretty. And he deserves a gorgeous woman like her.

She is one of those effortlessly pretty girls. No make-up, no fake laughs. Just a pretty face and a daring personality--which I think are attractive to the likes of him.

He seems to smile for often now as well.

She and her friends make him happy. I should just slowly back away now, shouldn't I?

Yeah, that would work. After all, when high school's done and gone, we're going our separate ways. It's best like this so that it wouldn't hurt that much to miss him.

He's chatting with them now. He doesn't know that I've actually been waiting for over an hour now. But it's okay--it's best that way. After all, I don't want to get in the way of him having a flock of girls by his side, now do I?

And, soon, I'll get replaced by someone who's more of his style than I am. Soon, I'll just be one of his classmates. Soon, I'll be one of those people who he'd forget. He'd forget about me, about the countless chats we've had about his supposedly existing love life (he's already done so for the hundredth time now.)

Soon, I'll be gone from his life, never to return ever again.  

[Lisiana]

I think I've just done the worst thing I could ever do to my guy classmate.

I don't hate him, even! He's on the my so-so level--you know, the type of person on my list that I could hang out with, but we're not close enough to have lengthy chats; just the typical hey-what's-up-nothing-much converstation, sprinkled with questions involving homework. That's all there really is to it.

I don't know if he hates me or anything, though I'm starting to think that he will (does) when he discovers that I gave out his home address to a person.

Yeah, sure, that person has some right to know (since, you know, said person was a teacher) but... I don't know. He's not fond of people giving out info about him. Especially to those whose outings he just skipped.

I think he's going to get so pissed this Monday.

"Cross your fingers, and hope you'll live," I told myself. I just pray that that teacher forgets about it. I pray that she will forget everything that has happened AFTER the outing. I hope, I wish, I pray. DDX

Because, if she doesn't, then I'm doomed. For life.  

[Lisiana]

Though I personally think that it's not that big of a deal, it still struck a chord inside me every single time I think about the start of classes in the college I'm going to this June.

After knowing that I had passed the entrance exam, someone somewhere decided to test my resolve and posted a new school course offer that so happened to have just a bit of what I supposedly wanted, so I went around and asked if I could change the course I've applied to during the entrance exam. They didn't tell me to trash the old test result, so I didn't and kept it with me all the way.

I had to wait for one week so that I could be interviewed by the department's chairperson after that particular event, and I used that time to comtemplate on my father's words about how sure I am about this "new course" I could've taken right now. At first, the thought of it was so exhilarating; going around, inspecting lots, checking out houses and their values in the market. But then, as the hours passed by, I began to realize that... It was just a small spark, and it died as soon as I've given it some time to fully enter my system.

I didn't know how he did it, but my father somehow knew I wasn't sticking around in that course for long. When I told him of my decision to change to the course I originally applied, his eyes, and his mouth, told me, "I told you so."

And then he explained to me why he was a bit skeptical of the idea, because it wasn't something we know--it's a new line of business. A kind that's so rare today; it's so mysterious that we don't even know what's in it. That caused, even my uncle, to believe that it's an unstable job to take.

And, knowing my parents, especially my father, they just want to see their kid having a stable life, and a stable job; they don't want their kids to go the same path they did.

If you're asking, no, they didn't tell me I shouldn't do that course--he didn't tell me to stop. He said, before I changed my mind to going back to the original plan, that "I'll support you in anything that you do. I just want to know: is this really what you want? Are you sure that this is it?"

Funny, though, the chairperson asked me the same thing in our short interview.

"Usually, the students in our department often shift courses in the middle of the year, which is why I am holding individual interviews just to make sure they're positive about what they are going to undertake. Your grades are also good enough for another course. Are you sure you don't want to change?"

This time, she meant my original course. This time, I nodded and told her, "Yes, I'm sure I won't change."

What I didn't tell her though, was that I had given her my old test result, instead of the new one.

They were the same, actually, just scores from the entrance exams. The only difference was the course typed down on each paper.

Which is why, right now, in the middle of the night, I'm writing this down, to take it off from my chest. It's been bugging me since two weeks ago, and, just worrying about whether or not I'd get in trouble for not telling them this is taking away my sleep.

Every time this crosses my mind, the same dreadful scenario appears.

I was in the chairperson's office, again, but this time there were three of us: the chairperson herself, who was watching me with a hard-edge, no-nonsense face, her glasses making it even more intimidating; the lady consultant, who was the only one who knows that I changed my course before I enrolled (she was glaring at me); and me, looking at the both of them, scared to death at the edge of my seat as I practically saw smoke coming out from both of their nostrils, mostly from the consultant though.

"Are you kidding me?!" the consultant was the one who spoke first. "Do you know how hard it is to process everything? I had to get through the trouble--"

She would press on after that, and I would mentally sigh. She was a kind woman when I first met her, surely she wouldn't be like this outside my dreadful fantasies?

The chairperson pushed back her glasses to the bridge of her nose, eyes not wavering from its target: me.

"I thought you were sure about your course," she said and her speech continued on as her intense stare was plastered on her face.

After what seemed like hours, she finally asked me, "Are you sure about this now?

I looked at her straight in the eye and said yes, and we all lived happily ever after.

The ending would be changed into, "I'll punish you for your indecisiveness." Or, "You are hereby kicked out of this school for your indecisiveness."

And the second ending almost, always plays out in my fantasies, which is why I'm scared as hell right now.

That won't happen in real life... Would it?  

[Lisiana]

I don't know why, but I still find myself thinking about him.

It's been two long, bloody months. We haven't had contact since he texted me, and, yet, I still wish we were talking. I still think about what he's probably doing right now (chatting with other girls in his new class, maybe), what he looks like.

Yes, I miss him. I miss every single one of my classmates, but, apart from my best friend, he's one of the people who is stuck in my mind like gum and I can't just take. It. Off.

I don't know... I still have a slight pang in my heart whenever I think of him.

I hope he had a good day today.

Gosh. I'm pathetic beyond relief.  

[Lisiana]

College life has been fine... So far.

Other than a few (one) teachers, it isn't as worse as I've imagined. Sure, the teachers give out more assignments, the books are a lot harder to attain, and the discussions fly like the wind ( we were already finished with chapter one in management this morning ), but, it's... Fine.

I get to go to the library a bit more often, but sometimes I think that's just because of the requirement. Fifty long hours inside a diminishing library... Sigh.

The reason I said, "diminishing", was because they're transferring the books from the main to this other campus. Said it was to make thew biggest library ever.

But what difference does it make, other than it being the biggest library? Where would we get our resources from now on? It's not like we could rely on the net 24/7. I trust books more.

Oh yeah, and a lot of my classmates practice make up now. I think I'm the only one who doesn't know how to apply powder, or foundation. Or whatever you call it.  

[Lisiana]

Ugh, I feel so frustrated right now. I seriously wished I didn't do what I did earlier.

You see, our teacher assigned us to groups and had us report on a particular topic. He made a deal that if we get a score of 1.2 and above, we'd be exempted from the finals.

Our group had our report that day. We got a 1.3.

Well, yeah, it sucked. Missing just 0.bloody1 point. But, we can't blame him. It was an average of his grade and the class' evaluation. It was fair.

So, like, he approached us and told us we could raise up our grade if we do well in our written report.

Now, me being disappointed at a bloody 1.3 kind of took that as a gesture made out of pity. So, I was like, "But, sir, I can take the exam. I got 1.3 fairly and squarely."

"But if you're okay with it, why are you crying?" he asked. And that was when the waterworks really started.

FUDGITY. FUDGE. FUDGE.

"Fine, then," he said to me after a few more exchanges. "If you can prove to me that you are a bad leader, you'll get your grade of 1.3. If you can't, your score will be pending."

FUUUU- And now I just realized that that was the stupidest move of the century. And I even had to guts to accept the challenge! FUUUUU---

I hope Sir would like kindly let me back out and take up his offer on the written report.

BUT. BLOODY HELL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOOO.

U;laidjf;asejfpquwepofijsd. It frustrates me to no end... I just want to die in a hole right here and now.

-------------------

I don't want to assume that I'm actually getting someone's attention as a girl or a woman, but I have a feeling that I really am.

See, I'd turn my head one way, and coincidentally, his head is there, his eyes are looking into mine (or somebody behind me; I can never tell.) And he would smile at me a bit, and I'd smile back, then he and I would look away. And the whole process would repeat itself a few hours (minutes?) later.

Snap out of it. You're probably the one who's in likewith him. He was just probably looking at someone that was coincidentally behind you. He happened to see you, and smiled to acknowledge you and then looked away because it was getting awkward.

Noooo, don't tell me... No. I can't. My friend likes him. And she's adorable when she likes him.

I mean, come on. Just look at her! She's pretty, yet only a bit shy. She's just looking at him from afar, seeing that they almost never interact with one another.

Except for that one time. Ahhh, the feels~

He was asking around for loose change, though I don't know what for.

"Hey," he told her. At the sound of his voice, she looked down and froze on her seat. "Do you have change for one hundred bucks?"

"Y-y-yes," she managed to tell him, her eyes finally meeting his briefly, before reaching down for her wallet. "H-here you go."

There fingertips brushed, and for that brief moment, ecstasy began to fill her every being.

"Thanks," he said with a smile, before walking away with a puzzled look pointed at us.

"Y-you're welcome!" she exclaimed.

All the while we were at the background, whooping and screaming in delight.

It was such an adooooorable scene. Gah, I just want to hug her.  

[Lisiana]

If there was something I really, really don't like about school, it's group projects.

SERIOUSLY. WHO EVER INVENTED THAT... THAT MONSTROSITY?!

Yeah, sure, it teaches us the value of teamwork, promotes unity among classmates, blahdiblahblahblah. But, those things are good if you're in a group where EVERYONE is conscious the project.

Lookie me here, talking about project consciousness when I still haven't started on my own segment. :XP I'm such a bad member.

I just really wished that this wasn't a group project, but, rather... it was individual. I liked working alone better than in a group.  

[Lisiana]

I'm deathly anxious right now.

A few moments from now, I'd be enrolling myself. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

Like, seriously. This thing's scary as... scary.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Lisiana

I'm deathly anxious right now.

A few moments from now, I'd be enrolling myself. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

Like, seriously. This thing's scary as... scary.

emotion_hug You'll be fine!  

[Lisiana]

I'm such a bad friend.

Scratch that, I'm the worst friend ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they start to distance themselves away from me, or even completely ignore me the rest of my college days.

You see, my friend, let's call her A, lost her beloved cat pouch, but, by God's good grace, a person turned it over to the organizers for safekeeping.

Now, by the time we found out that it was with the organizers all along, the organizers themselves were taking a lunch break, and the only one left to entertain us was the DJ.

He told us that we should wait for the organizers to go back to their station before claiming the pouch. I insisted that we leave a note saying that we have retrieved the pouch. I even placed A's name on the note!

We were called back (via microphone announcement, might I add) to that station and we were, shall we say, reprimanded by the organizers. I feel so mortified for my friend, and guilty for what I did.

If I hadn't been reckless, I would have saved all of us from the trouble. Gosh, I'm so stupid.

I hope the organizers forget about the event. They--rather he sounded mad at us.

But, that incident just heightened my respect to my elder Carolinian. They are responsible enough to be worried over a small matter like this.

I, on the other hand, feel so stupid. Completely, and utterly, stupid.

Just bury me now.  

[Lisiana]

I feel so bad right now.

I and my highschoolmates were supposed to have a reunion today, and, even though it has been said by another friend of mine that it would be cancelled (for reasons unknown, until now), I had the nerve to ask dozens of times about whether or not it would continue.

The reason was that one of our mates couldn't come because her home is miles away from here.

I feel so mean... I sound like I want to continue without her. =(

I hope she forgives me.