Sexual Assault - A Safe Haven

[Cheondumb]

A few years ago, my best friend was molested by her uncle and one of our old friends said something that hurt: they were in an argument and she screamed "at least i was raped by my freaking uncle you b!tch!" I feel like people have no idea what this is, i wouldn't know myself, but i have a pretty clear view of the horror and pain people go through. there is no reason people should be making a joke of this.  

[Booty Popping]

I think I may have been a victim of sexual assault, most my life from age 5-11 is a big blur, i'm 21 now, and I feel like something has happened to me, my aunt told me many women who have been sexually assaulted do not remember it, because they block it out. I love sex, but i hate it at the same time, i can masturbate, but the thought of a man touching me...makes my stomach churn and i start sweating. when i first had oral sex at 20, i thought i was going to faint, it felt so surreal and yet, i knew what i was doing. it felt freaky. and when i went over to a friend's house and it got heavy, i nearly cried. i'm a virgin still, but my doctor told me i have no hymen, and asked all the questions (i.e. was i sexually active, did i do sports etc.) when i answered no, she told me i could have been sexually assaulted. it's been a while, and what has happened might pop up one these, i just pray its not anyone i'm close to who did it...  

[flauterfli]

@Jeni: I'm glad this thread has helped so much!
I hope things get even better for you. =]
@bubbles: ohh, that makes my blood rile!
People like that are disgusting and crude.
They can't comprehend what it's like to be in that position: you become helpless mentally and physically -- even when you're normally a very strong woman.

@Sweetmoochi & Lillielle: That frightens me!
I mean, the thought of not knowing whether or not you were abused...
I hope that, in any case, you will find the peace of mind to move on from it.
Praying for contentment really does help. <3

And Lillielle; I'm glad you're no longer surrounded by abusive and spiteful people.
Separate yourself from them!
You deserve the best, and anyone who tries to convince you differently certainly isn't worth time nor pain!  

[x-TeaseMe]

Um... Hi?
I was raped when I was younger.. Twice.. I don't want to go into details yet. Not until I trust again.  

[Tigcat2]

(I'm letting you know, I'm not a guy. Just have a guy avi. >.< My friends got on my account and changed it.)

This isn't as horrible as it could of been, but for being six..It was pretty bad. And yeah, it's long and hard to understand. I just typed as I remembered it..
When I was six I had this friend..He was younger than me, and actually pretty annoying. I don't even know why I was friends with him. Anyways, I was outside in the yard of this old abandoned house that my parents owned. It was on the corner, his house was to the right of it if you were facing the street, and my house was right behind the one on the corner. We were standing, like I said, in the front yard of the abandoned house. He all of a sudden came up to me and held me close. He was shorter than me, but only by a little. He started humping on me, and I can't remember, but I think he started to take his pants off/unzip them to make it easier. I screamed, yelled, and cried. I shook him off of me and glanced at his older brothers. They just stared. (One of his older brothers was really sweet. The other, was a total b***h..) So I ran to my house, basically ran into the door, opened it, then pretty much flew into my parents bed room and leaped onto the bed. I curled up in a tight ball and cried. My grandmother asked what was wrong, and I sobbed, and tried to tell her. I couldn't. I told her finally, and I forget what she said..My grandfather wouldn't even go over there and tell his parents. I yelled at the top of my lungs to go tell his parents. He finally did. I found out that his brother (the sweet one) told his parents. The kid, who I thought was my friend, got whipped. Badly. He constantly tried to come over to the house and apologize. I wouldn't even say anything but, "LEAVE. GET OUT!" I never did forgive him. I was an emotional wreck for a while..I just now remembered this about a month ago. My mind had blocked it out. I'm thirteen now. It has all of a sudden made me block out my guys friends more. It's tough. I'm worried, since all my guy friends are pervs, that one might try something..  

[TH3_G1ITCH_]

Shut it! K R A Y Z E H' S talkin'!

~~~~~~~~

I didn't know we had this here. That's nice.

I'm not going to waste people's time explaining
this shite. It happened long ago and i had to
get over it myself because i told no one.
I want to help people here who have also
suffered at the evil hands of these raping bastards.

If anyone ever needs to chat i'm just a PM away.

Keep strong girls~!

~~~~~~~~

Right, NOW you can talk!

 

[Lieutenant Katherine]

It happened once, years and years ago. I was at my best friend Jakes house waiting in the living room for Jake because we were going to go to the park to watch the football game together. Jake has been my friend since I was four, and we did everything together; homework, jump rope, we even went to watch the games at the high school with his older brother. Wyatt. Oh I despise that name.
He was sixteen, I was around 12 or 13 and Jake was around 10 or so, and he locked Jake in the bathroom, and came after me. He attacked me, and sent me home like it was all fine. It wasn't; I got tired and crankier easier and nauseous in the morning. I stopped eating, because I though I was getting fat from eating so much and stopped.
And all I can say is that it happened so quickly, the rest was a blur. I still have nightmares about that day. I remember Jake asking me at school if I was okay, and I yelling at him and sending him away because I had thought he told his brother to do it.
I am 21 now and my son is 15. Jakes brother is dead now... guess he attacked one to many woman, but its good Jake isn't like that, and all is fine now... I do not know why I shared this, because few including Jake have ever heard it.

 

[flauterfli]

@GuardianAngel;
Oh, that's horrible. =( It's hard growing up and dealing with all these changing body functions. It sounds like it was an accident and he was too young to really understand what he was doing wrong. While it is a traumatizing memory, the boy is still forgivable...unless he's a sleaze now, then perhaps it really was in ill-intent, but it most likely was not.

@KRAZEH;
It wouldn't be a waste of anyone's time to share~ =)
But I'm glad it's part of the past and not the present.
Thank you for your support. <3

@Katherine;
Oh my! =( I don't normally say this but, Wyatt got what he deserved.
Perhaps you should share with Jake? It might help relieve some of the painful memories and perhaps any lingering tension between you two. He could feel guilty for that incident, though it definitely wasn't his fault and it's understandable for you to partly blame him because of how emotionally scarring it must have been. Sharing with others, especially Jake, is part of the healing process. And remember that you are a brave and courageous woman to keep your son. I'm proud of you. =]  

[User_20392979]

This is something I hadn't told many people though two friends I once knew kind of guessed or had a feeling that something happened, I never even told my family everything.

When I was younger, there was this guy who was about my age that was staying with us and he would always try to force to do things, and it got worse each time. My parents thought something was wrong and heard stories from other girls ended up kicking him out and he was sent to some group home (since no one said much about it or had evidence, they couldn't really do much).

This wasn't the first time things happened. I once had some guys try to strip me though I think I was unconscious for awhile as I seemed to have blacked out and other times people would snap by bra or some other terrible things while during P.E. class and yes, some of these people were other girls.

I still don't trust people or always like it when someone touches me.

People don't seem to understand or get how serious sexual assault or harassment is.  

[Alyx Rodanthe]

Allow girl the serenity,

I feel like I'm bitching as I finish writing this, my whole mindset has always been, "It could be worse," so it is difficult for me to write this and not feel like I have no right to "complain".

I have only told the whole thing (or most of it) to my best male and female friend, my fiancé, and my ex best friend who introduced me to this guild.

I guess it all kinda started when I was 9, turning 10. I had stayed with my friend for a few nights, and the third night we went over to her friend's house for a sleepover. Her friend's older brother was like 19, and was living there with them. When we were there he was sitting in the living room when we went in to watch T.V and there were no more actual seats left. He kept pulling me onto his lap and ignored me when I asked him to stop. This kept on all night, ending with me giving up so I wouldn't cause a scene and sitting in his lap. Turned out he was my friend's older brother's best friend so he was over at my friend's house a lot. One time when my friend's mom was taking me home, she brought him and her son with her because they were going grocery shopping after they dropped me off.

When I was little I used to open the window to listen to and smell the rain, and I guess I left it open or something because I woke up to him in my room. Long story short, he raped me and I ended up pregnant. It's why I'm pro-choice. I can't imagine having gone through the whole pregnancy. The 4 weeks of it was torture to me. Did you know that if a mother claims medical procedures on her daughter's friend of a similar-looking age using her daughter's name, medical information and SSN that most of the time they won't know the difference? Yes, it's identity/ medical insurance fraud, but I couldn't tell my mother. My friend was the one who came up with the idea to use her identity.

I was kidnapped 2 years later. They said I was only missing for 30 hours but it felt like so much more than that. I was taken from a park near ASU, pulled into a car, gagged, restrained and raped by 5 men for almost the whole time I was gone. I don't completely remember this whole time, I had my first black out. I was dropped back at the same park when they were through with me. The only reason some of my family knew about this one was because the cops were called when I was found curled in a stall in one of the bathrooms. My mother still doesn't know about any of this.

Seven months ago, my best girl friend's ******** buddy decided he wanted to have a threesome with her and I. We were both uncomfortable with the thought, and I was dating my fiancé. He decided to take his anger about that out on me and was going to sodomize me in the alley behind a store where he had dragged me. Threatened, and attempted. My friend called my cell just as he was getting ready. He got spooked and shoved me then ran off.

There is a hatred I have for my body now, a hatred that I cannot shake no matter how hard I try. I have nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes I feel horrible because I'll get all riled up and be a tease and then have a flashback and freak out. Night like tonight, I can't sleep because I'm so afraid of these nightmares because I relive every moment. Since the first time, I have blackouts. Most of the time after the blackout happens, a few hours, a few days later I remember what I forgot, or "blocked" or whatever. I still don't remember those hours I lost during when I was kidnapped. It's really hard living with it and knowing all these things about these people. I ride public transport for the moment, and a couple weeks ago I saw one of my attackers. I had a panic attack and practical meltdown there on the lightrail.

If anyone ever wants to talk, I know the pain, I know the fears, I'm here to understand and listen. Thank you if you have made the whole way down my story.

To life, uninhibited by fears,
To a place where one may live,
Free of tears,
To hearts who are willing to give.

to serve Him in peace.

 

[flauterfli]

@Medicine: that's horrible!
I'm sorry. =(
It's especially painful to hear these things from younger girls.
But definitely stand up for yourself!
If people are harassing you at school, definitely tell a counselor.
Legal action can and will be taken.

@Lady Rose of the North:
DO NOT feel ashamed! Please do not think you are "complaining" about this, ever. You are opening your emotions to girls who've gone through many of the same things and can relate to you -- no one here will ever think badly about you "complaining."

Please don't hate yourself for what those disgusting, vile men ever did to you. I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better. I will put my trust into your fiance to help you heal those wounds. You should definitely tell him everything, as I assume he will love you no matter what and will give you the gentle love that you deserve.

Your mother, as well, should never hate you for what was done to you. I would suggest letting her know everything, at least one day. It will make you feel better, really, to let her know. I haven't told everything to my mother, either, so I shouldn't be one to talk; but it really does help. A mother should love you despite the abortion -- should understand that the pain was too much to handle.

Those rapists are evil and should be behind bars. I do understand if the whole legal process is too costly, emotionally and money-wise, but they could be preying on other innocent women as well. Since the cops did find you and know what happened, they should be on your side if you recognize one of the men -- they ought to have DNA samples on them still, so...

I'm sorry. =( You are loved and supported by every girl on this guild and your family, friend, and definitely fiance. Try to remember that when you have nightmares.  

[flauterfli]

sorry for double-posting..

Girls, something happened. Bad. Really bad.
I don't know if I was raped or...or what.
Someone please tell me I wasn't --
but please tell me if I was.

My boyfriend is amazingly sweet. Adorable, cuddly, and always warm and happy.
But lately we've been having trouble with sexual stuff.
We tend to go too far...a lot.
Yet we've always been able to stop ourselves...


Before my birthday party today (that no one showed up to) we were taking things way too far again.
Kissing, groping. Everything. And of course I loved it.
I always love it too much -- but we wanted to wait for a variety of reasons.
Then it happened.

He asked if he could take my underwear off.
My head was swimming and I said "no", then "I don't know....maybe..."
and he said, "are you sure?"
and I mumbled no; I couldn't think. Sometimes you just can't think.
And then he took them off. His p***s was out and he was rubbing against me.....
I didn't think it would go in. At all. I didn't think he'd ever put it in me;
I've said no to it, I said I wanted to wait.
In fact, he wanted to wait first. He always stopped me before.
We both decided to wait. Together, until marriage.
I'm not physically a virgin (sports tore it apart) and it went in.
In my mind I pushed him away, but my body didn't respond properly.
I was up against a wall and couldn't say a word.

When girls say they couldn't stop it, couldn't say no, yet still were raped --
I always wondered if that was true. I've always imagined that I'd fight back; claws, slapping, screaming. I'm not a passive woman. I've grown up to be a fiercely independent fighter. So why, why did I let him do it? Why couldn't I push away before it was too late and he was inside me, taking away my innocence? Something we both agreed to save until much, much later.

But I finally found my voice when warmth trickled down my thighs.
I looked down and there it was, white stuff on the ground between my legs.
I screamed and screamed and screamed then sobbed and cried.
He cried too, saying he was sorry and that he'd really messed up.
That he didn't mean for it to happen.
He cleaned up the mess and got me a change of clothes and water and everything while I lay there on my bed, broken and weeping and still really unable to comprehend what had just happened. Stuff had come out of me in the bathroom and I had a panic attack.

Then the only friend that showed up rang the door bell. He kept her entertained while I dry heaved over and over, quietly trying to contain my cries of anguish. After that I put on a happy face and acted as if I was crying because no one cared about my birthday, which was a good enough excuse though it was hardly true. He left then, and I was very glad. My friend knew something was wrong but I wouldn't say. She said if it was his fault she'd beat him up. I think she would have castrated him if I told her. Later, after she left, I confided in my long-time best friend(taking college finals that day), who was calm about it, because she knows I would freak out if she wasn't. She's willing to help me through everything (including a possible pregnancy) and said she'd like to kill him but knows, despite my pain, I still love him enough not to allow it...

Of course I wanted my first time to be romantic; somewhere quiet and alone and beautiful. But no. He was barely in me, but...I don't think I'm a virgin. I don't feel like a virgin. I feel violated and dirty and raped not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I went over to his house, reluctantly, to return the party stuff he'd let me borrow (left unused) and I told him that the one person I trust with my life -- with all my dark secrets and thoughts -- had stolen my virginity. Had filled me with unwanted poison. I screamed and wailed hit him and he just kept sobbing and apologizing. Begging me not to leave him and to never blame myself (I told him I did) and that he'd understand if I could never forgive him.

I'm scared, girls. I am downright horrified with myself and him.
I keep denying that it was unwilling but I know that intercourse should feel good and not wrong.
I want it to be my fault but deep down, I feel that it wasn't.
And I'm so so so worried that I might be pregnant.
My period is due next week (second week of the month)
and I'm praying that I won't miss it.
I have dreams and goals. I'm graduating with honors.
I'm already accepted into a school and am waiting for a probably positive response from my dream college.
I want to make a difference in the world.
But I will never ever give up a baby. Ever. I won't consider it.
We've already talked about it not too long ago and supposedly he'd never leave me; he and his family would support me. So would mine. But what if they back out in disgust? Leave me while I struggle through my senior year? I'm so afraid of being abandoned....

I'm sorry for rambling on and on and on and on and probably too much TMI
but I don't know what to think or what to do.
I should end it with him. I'll never be able to trust him again.
But I still...stupidly, I still love him. I love his family and his friends and his adorable puppy and his videogames and his smile and hugs and words of encouragement. He's never judged me and has always made me feel beautiful and comfortable with myself. I don't know if this one incident could lead to others. If anything could go back to the way it was before....even if we've argued and don't always see eye to eye, he's never ever hurt me before....

I don't know...I don't know....

 

[Alyx Rodanthe]

Allow girl the serenity,

Thank you, flauterfli, it really does help to talk sometimes.

You situation is very complicated.

Rape is a vile word. When we say "rape" I think malicious intent, or someone only thinking of themselves.

It is rape, as you did say no, but at least in this case it wasn't meant maliciously. At least he acknowledged that he messed up and apologized. I know that it doesn't change anything. You may end up staying with him, and trusting him again and in the future look back on this and know it was an accident.

Then again, you might not. If you do end up pregnant, I don't think your family (or his for that matter) will back out in disgust. Your family should always be there for you.

I'm here if you ever want to talk, we all support and love you.

to serve Him in peace.

 

[Femme Mantis]

I wasn't aware of this thread's being until i scrolled around the guild in boredom.
At least i'm not quite alone in this topic....

I was six at the time, i stayed with my grandparents and uncles while my mother worked, parents divorced and dad was out of state so there was no one else to watch me or my brother.
One of my uncles frequently requested that i accompany him to his room or to help him take care of the kittens at the barn.
Of course i went to his room because that's where i watched my favorite movies with my brother or we played games when he was around.
I don't recall the first time i knew something was off with my uncle but i remember bits and pieces...Being alone when my brother was sick and not there....Being pinned to the bed, kissed against my will, kicking and shoving with all my might and running out of the room to my other uncle who never was anything but a big loon and would never know what happened.
I don't know why i tolerated that slimey b*****d, his way of getting me to submit was always "We can't go back to the house until this" or something equal since he knew i really hated being outside unless my brother was with me.
My brother saved my a** more than once, this went on for about two years. Occasionally i would yell for my brother who'd kick him off me and we'd run somewhere outside to hide.
This has ******** up my relationships. I never remembered a lot of the past until i got seriously inolved with my current boyfriend of over a year or more. In highschool i realized what had happened to me but i repressed it further and it seems to have hit me hard in my current years. ( I'm 21. )
I dislike touching, webcamming, being nude in general, slip in and out of depressions, have anxiety problems, get upset to the point of crying at the idea of sex, and find myself deeply disgusted by the thought of intimacy.
I want to never have sex yet masturbation is my addiction and i hate every damn time i do it. I just look at myself and want to scream but i block it out..."So what if i'm horrible? I am a sorry whore anyways." i tell myself and despite knowing better i can't get out of that mindset.

I don't quite know why my head is so ******** up but i know one thing; i hate my uncle. He ******** up any chance i ever had of being happy in a relationship and the more sad part? Apparently i wasn't the only girl in the family he did this too.