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 Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:05 am
Aaa, much better! This paints a much more precise image of him and his history in my mind, now~
I also like it a lot that his parents didn't just punish him aimlessly- the fact that it was a tradition rather then outright spitefulness C:
I'd like to know more about why his parents were killed, even though he himself isn't aware of it, but aside from that everything is looking MUCH more filled in and explanatory <3
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:11 am
Ah, should explain what happened XD
Will do that now <3
Thank you for reading it over again and left you a crit as well!
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:05 am
There are a couple of typos/missing words around. I corrected some parts and placed them in red; I can see more typos, but I think this is something you'll have to look through and find for yourself. >.<; I've also left some comments in the brackets.
"Although he rarely speaks, others can tell his mood or feelings by his body language. To those he finds a threat to his well being, his insanity could show through in various forms. The most common would be sighs of hurt (uh, you might want to make this clearer; as in, he'll look like he had just been hurt? Or sighs of physical wounds?) or catching him with a needle and the doll that has been used for voodoo by his parents. Sometimes he could be heard screaming and seen cowering in a corner, fear in his eyes from hearing the voices. The voices be believes to hear on a constant basis are his dead parents who are to be keeping him on his toes and behaving."
I have no idea what you're trying to say in the underlined part. >.<; Might want to fix it? I think you were trying to say "The voices he hears belong to his dead parents, constantly keeping him on his toes and from misbehaving"?
"They blamed him as the prime suspect, leaving him in a police prison cell for at least two months. Until a grand jury declared him as not guilty, he spent most of his time believing that he was responsible for his parents death. He had confessed many a time to actually doing the crime, but no one believed him. From then on, he began to hear the voices when he sleeps. As he got older he became more paranoid and fully able to hear him (Uh, might want to fix this sentence? And do you mean the voices got louder/clearer? Or did he dismiss the voices when he was younger but now that he's older, he begun to think that they might be real?). He'd get nightmares of him stabbing them and having blood all over him. "
As Hostel said, it would be nice to get an explanation for how his parents died since its directly linked to his current personality. You might also want to put down why he believed himself to be the culprit of his parents' death - if he was not guilty, why would he say that he was? I also spotted a contradiction; you wrote "To become happier and able socialize without fear of being shun or blamed for nothing he had done wrong" as his reason for enrolling into Amityville; however, you wrote that he believed himself to be 'in the wrong' for killing his own parents. Might want to clear this up?
In regard to his history, he might not know the explanation for his parents' deaths ICly, but not having his history written out makes it seem like you just want a "special" character but am not putting enough thought into it!
"Filed in the police report: "It was a Sunday afternoon, they were headed home as it began to rain. Witnesses say that a lone man stopped in front of the car, making them have to make a quick turn towards the guard railing. They ended up at the bottom of the hill, but were unable to make it out alive since their car had caught fire. Causing serious damage to their bodies when Paramedics and Fire Squad had come to help. It was too late for the either choked on the smoke or burned to death."
Why would the police/Bogeyman blame him if that was what happened? Was he there? Also, what happened to his mother calling 911 and having her conversation cut short by something?
"His parents only over used the doll to help make him a more suitable lifestyle for he was more of a troublemaker as he was a child."
I think this sentence needs to be fixed; it doesn't really flow/make much sense.
Personally, after reading his profile, I came to the conclusion that perhaps you shouldn't call him 'insane'. Its rather misleading... He sounds more like a frightened young boy with several deep rooted issues, and is in need of psychiatric treatment, rather than an 'insane' character. An insane character would also probably be rejected by the school, since he might hurt other students outside of gym class! Please keep in mind that these things will have IC repercussions!
I am not sure if these are contradictions, but you said that anyone who gets too close to him might set him running or foaming and biting. You also said that he might be curious about other shapeshifters and will even attempt talking to them. So which is it? Do only shapeshifters get special treatment, or is he so random that he would run away from or bite anyone who pushes him too far?
As for his physical appearance, while I do like his design, is there a reason for it? Why does he have odd/non-matching eyes? Is it a species thing? Or a family thing? Why does he have a scar over his eye?
I'm sorry, but... I think this quest might have potential, but you'll need to clean it up a bit first. >.< Tie up the loose ends, check for spelling/grammar mistakes and type out his history. GOOD LUCK and I hope this helped!
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:25 am
This really helped me out, Drag <3
I forgot that I took out the reason why his eye is like that Dx
I'll fix it up and thank you for reading it > w<
This will help me get this a bit more clear than it already is.
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 11:56 am
Edited personality, added in more about who he would get alone with better, family woes, reason behind the eye, and took out the scar in his physical description. Couldn't think of an explanation to it.
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 3:56 pm
Alrighty lets see....
Im not too sure I can really see someone being at a school of fright and terror being so traumatized. I mean his personality seems very consistent, which is great but I feel he needs to be a little less fragile mentally. His physical design to me sounds pretty badass too it would be a shame for him to be too wrapped up in his past.
I feel like it would be more appropriate for Amityville to be a distraction overall than just to rid him of the voices. Little windows of regret and worry are great here and there but again I feel like there would be... too much scary already going on to "help" with his problems of hearing voices. ^^;
HOPEFULLY THAT HELPS I hope Im not too vague!
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 4:11 pm
Pretty much toning down his past, making him less fragile and a bit more open. This is how I'm interpreting it, King. A distraction would be a better way of putting it. I'll work around that are fix it up. Don't want him too scared.
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Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:45 pm
Sorry I took so long to crit him for you. orz;;; Anywho, on to the crit.
And I'm just going to apologize now if I sound mean or anything since I'm bad at critting. ^^;;;;;;
So, I have a slight concern about his parents/the accident. It all sounds...kind of, well, too human to me. It might just be me, but I think if you changes a few of the things (policemen to bogeymen, day names such as Sunday to their equivalent, things like that) it would sound a lot more halloween-like. Also, what charge could they hold him for nearly two months on, if he was just a suspect? (This might just be me, so I'm sorry if this sounds nit-picky. ^^;;;; )
Another thing which I just kind of noticed is that he has five tails. To my knowledge, the actual Kitsune student, Tomoko, is pretty amazingly talented and she has three tails. As such, I kind of think it'd be a bit impossible for him to have so much power (since that's what the tails symbolize, right? The more tails (nine is maximum, to my knowledge?), the more wise/strong/powerful/whatever, right?) that he would have five tails...unless it's because of his actual race, but then you'd need to specify that they naturally have more tails at a lower power level or something.
Besides those points, I think he has a lot of potential. I think if you fixed/explained those a bit better, he would seem much more put together and such. ^^;
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Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 12:36 am
OTL
I keep forgetting this is a halloween based shop XD
*nods* Fixing up his sentence would be better.
Maybe less tails could work too.
Maybe two or three, or just one could work.
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Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 12:43 am
Oh Lawrd~ I'm really not good with crit OTL
I'll think of something soon! Hopefully. l D
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Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 11:06 am
Anything helps, Peas <333
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2011 1:43 pm
It's nice to see a demon that is tormented and not tormenting. Very different spin. But overall there's nothing I can criticize about it. Love it.
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2011 7:51 pm
D'aw, thank you Royal <333
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 8:22 pm
Added where the skull pin would be in his appearance.
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Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 7:04 pm
 *swoons* Krovi art from Kuro <333
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