A 17 year old dating a 14 year old

[Isla Finch]

Sihily Nihily

hello its nice to meet you first of all. smile
and when you read this please understand i do not condem nor condone this situation. after all you are only three years apart and i have been in relationships ranging from 2 years younger than myself to 20 years older than myself. so i figure the best approach would be to just go through and explain from experiance your situation. and i do apologize here and now if at anytime i may offend you. try to understand that it is not my intension to do so.

that said here we go! smile


"...We kept it a secret from her parents the whole time, the reason why is; I didn't want them automatically shooting down the idea of her dating me, without getting to know me.So we secretly dated, and I secretly grew closer to her parents for them to get to know me, that way I had a fighting chance of getting them to agree..."
this was not a very good idea. true it was thoughtfull of you to want the parents to get to know you so they wouldnt misjudge you, however, by dating behind their backs anyway before they get the chance to know you is basically like telling them that you dont care what they think and that you will date their daughter reguardless. in otherwords you have started your relationship with them on disrespectfull ground. in my experiance its better to have maintained your friendship with her and asked to hang out with the family to begin with. then once you felt that you have earned their trust take the next step by following some basic courtship rules. have a sit down with her parents and inform them of your intensions. let them know you fully intend to respect their daughter and at the same time respect their wishes. and if they are still against the idea prompt a sort of trial period. yes i know its sounds crazy but believe me... it works. have a couple of double dates to start off with. and take it slow. and i mean slow.


My last 3 relatioships ended for the same 3 reasons
---------❶: Depression [chronic depression]
in the words of my idols and many a wise person.
"if you cant love yourself. how are you going to love someone else?"
i'm not saying that you cant at least have someone to care for and in turn cares for you. but if you are in a relationship where you have issues with yourself... it will eventually eat you guys up. because it not only affects you... but her as well. keep things easy for now and find someone to talk to. be it a counselor or a therapist heck even a priest/father/rabbi/monk. work out your personal issuses first before getting serious in your relationship otherwise it'll mess up the whole "working out OUR problems" and no matter how mature/age/gender/background you are... you WILL have those.


".... forced to go slow, it was good for me....She is a happy spirit which I need in my life,... she makes me feel my age.... I'm a different person then who I used to be, and now, I can look out for her, protect her, and keep her away from the bad decisions...taught me alot in the 3 months...I have quit smoking, and slowed down the drinking because of her. I have also changed my eating habbits, and started working out more because of her. I wanna be a doctor is the mental field. A psychologist, so despite my physical features, or my personal life, I have ambitions, and goals...."
i am so happy that you have found such a postitive force in you life that makes you want to be the person who you were always meant to be and might have started to loose your way. hold onto that. keep a momento and remind yourself daily in the mirror before leaving the house what she does for you. but please remember that its a two way street. you need to let her be her support her and continue to enourage her to go after her dreams as well. im sure you are already just dont loose sight of that. once you take it for granted its a very fast and painfull fall...

"...Her parents don't think she is ready to date, even though she has done an AMAZING job so far ... Because of my personal life, her friends don't trust me to do a good job..."
despite the fact you have already been dating. there is probably a reason other than the fact her parents are afraid of her growing up to fast. and i would have to agree to an extent. being 14 yrs old she still has a good many years to date right now she should be focusing on living her life finding what she wants 10-20 years down the road. when i was 14-19 dating for my peers was really nothing more than dealing with changing hormones, escaping the reality of the world around you. its a pleasant euphoria which if not kept in check and guided can lead to disasterous results if not fatal. i have lost friends growing up because of the politics behind high school dating. and if you think there are no politics then please take a step back and take a look around at the people you work with. look at your friends and her friends. dating at the teen and young adult years is all for entertainment. im sure as much as its a nice idea you arent rushing out to find a wife anytime soon. so try to see her parents view as well. dont totally dismiss it, really ty to understand what they fear. accept it. and work to prove to them that you wont allow those fears to become reality.


"...I'm turning 18 in February, and trust me, I woulda ended our relationship once I turned 18, cause then there could be some complications legally. I'm not pissed that we have to break up, cause I knew it would happen eventually, I just wish it was on our terms, not when someone said too. Her parents do like me, they said we can still see each other, hangout, whatever, just can't date. But it's still ******** annoying.."
this is actually NOT as big an issue as many make it out to be. more over because of the closeness in years you are tends to make societies opinions less harsh. all in all as long as there is full consent between both parties AND their respective legal gaurdians (ie: your parents her parents) no legal action will take place.


and that is where i stand im not against the idea however i think you could have handled it with more maturity to prove to her parents that your not just some "dude" looking to score with their daughter. i do wish you the best of luck and i truely hope that one day her parents come around and give you their blessing. she sounds like an amazing person and she really does improve your life and your choices.

good luck to you  

[Lady Kayura]

SyFy Girl

Sounds fine to me. My parents have an 11 year age gap (the the other hand, they met when my mom was in her 30's and my dad in his 40's, so not as big a deal...)

But it's less then 3 years, which is when I believe the legal complications come into play.

That doesn't sound bad when they're adults. But the age gap seems smaller as people get older. Does an 11 dating a 22 year old sound like a good idea? Just saying.  

[Ratz-ItsJC]

Dude. I think everyone is misunderstanding the parents. Its not the age difference that gets them. Its the fact that if they have a girl her age dating, there's a higher chance that she'll end up having a kid in high school.

I don't care if she's not one of those girls that's dumb enough not to use a condom. I don't care that you say you can keep it in your pants. Every boy says that. You can't trust them. Because the majority of guys end up giving in to their desires and persuade the girl that its ok. Look, from a parent's perspective, they want their kid to stay innocent until outside of high school. They won't take the chance with her dating that young.

Even if you do keep it in your pants till you're 20 and she's 17, are you sure that you won't get tired of girls in HS and start getting interested in women your age? High school sweethearts are least likely to last passed high school. I've only seen 2 relationships that have made it passed HS. Both almost didn't make it. If it weren't for them having kids, they would've left each other.

Its ok to date. I don't care. As long as you guys really think everything through.  

[Centipedes In Utero]

I love how people who date kids in high school claim their SO is "mature" for their age. lol ******** kind of agree with the parents. 14 year olds shouldn't date. They should be focusing on school work, so they can graduate from high school and not end up as a drop out who trolls theater groups for underage p***y.

I bet the majority of relationships like these only exist because the guy has a car.

7 people disapproved, and I was the only one to make a cynical post? Pansies, the lot of you. Also: teenagers in wuv, blah blah blah, use your imagination.

 

[Isla Finch]

Ratz-ItsJC

Dude. I think everyone is misunderstanding the parents. Its not the age difference that gets them. Its the fact that if they have a girl her age dating, there's a higher chance that she'll end up having a kid in high school.

I don't care if she's not one of those girls that's dumb enough not to use a condom. I don't care that you say you can keep it in your pants. Every boy says that. You can't trust them. Because the majority of guys end up giving in to their desires and persuade the girl that its ok. Look, from a parent's perspective, they want their kid to stay innocent until outside of high school. They won't take the chance with her dating that young.

Even if you do keep it in your pants till you're 20 and she's 17, are you sure that you won't get tired of girls in HS and start getting interested in women your age? High school sweethearts are least likely to last passed high school. I've only seen 2 relationships that have made it passed HS. Both almost didn't make it. If it weren't for them having kids, they would've left each other.

Its ok to date. I don't care. As long as you guys really think everything through.

agreed  

[King_of_Tarts]

Okay here are my two cents -

You are older than her and if her parents really don't want her dating they could make your life hell. i.e. Taking legal action, smearing your reputation. Painting you as a child molester.

14 is really too young to date. I know that you say you two don't have sex, but it's bound to happen eventually. Especially when your hormones are going all crazy and you're both "In the mood." Sex with a minor is illegal.

You need to do you first. When your life is in the place you want it, like you going to school and going for your psych degree like you wanted, then you can revisit the idea. If she's in the place she wants to be and you aren't, then it will only lead to fights.

Waiting could also show her parents you accept their wishes and that your serious and have good intentions. Plus if things do get serious and you are wanting to marry, then you want the in-laws on your side.

Also if you're still friends, you can have her in your life.

Hope this helped. 3nodding  

[Art Greylace]

bulletproof13

14 is really too young to date. I know that you say you two don't have sex, but it's bound to happen eventually. Especially when your hormones are going all crazy and you're both "In the mood." Sex with a minor is illegal.

Oh, for crying out loud. Kids in Brazil say they're dating at age six. The reason why dating at age fourteen is bad is because you're immature, since it's your first time. Guess what? Wait until you're 24, you're still going to be immature, because it'll still be your first time.  

[Sakura086]

thats is perfect!!!!!!!!
idk y ppl r craxy about dat its nt like ur 25 and shes 13! i hv seen dat
also ppl r like 18 years apart....i think (this is jst me) 10 years shld be the limit
if u love each other 17 and 14 r fine heart  

[King_of_Tarts]

Artemesia Greylace

bulletproof13

14 is really too young to date. I know that you say you two don't have sex, but it's bound to happen eventually. Especially when your hormones are going all crazy and you're both "In the mood." Sex with a minor is illegal.

Oh, for crying out loud. Kids in Brazil say they're dating at age six. The reason why dating at age fourteen is bad is because you're immature, since it's your first time. Guess what? Wait until you're 24, you're still going to be immature, because it'll still be your first time.

Now we're using Brazil as a model for how we should act? Let's let everyone use drugs then and just give them a warning. Kids that are 14 are much less emotionally mature than 16 year olds. At 24 you're more mature and have a lot more wisdom than at 14. If I was to use your argument model, then I could also advocate letting kids drink at 14 because whether you let them at 14 or at 24 it'll be the same right?  

[King_of_Tarts]

Centipedes In Utero

I love how people who date kids in high school claim their SO is "mature" for their age. lol ******** kind of agree with the parents. 14 year olds shouldn't date. They should be focusing on school work, so they can graduate from high school and not end up as a drop out who trolls theater groups for underage p***y.

I bet the majority of relationships like these only exist because the guy has a car.

7 people disapproved, and I was the only one to make a cynical post? Pansies, the lot of you. Also: teenagers in wuv, blah blah blah, use your imagination.

Couldn't agree more.  

[Lady Kayura]

Artemesia Greylace

bulletproof13

14 is really too young to date. I know that you say you two don't have sex, but it's bound to happen eventually. Especially when your hormones are going all crazy and you're both "In the mood." Sex with a minor is illegal.

Oh, for crying out loud. Kids in Brazil say they're dating at age six. The reason why dating at age fourteen is bad is because you're immature, since it's your first time. Guess what? Wait until you're 24, you're still going to be immature, because it'll still be your first time.

Generally people mature whether they date or not. I matured despite not dating much. I hope you're capable of that too.  

[Art Greylace]

bulletproof13

Artemesia Greylace

bulletproof13

14 is really too young to date. I know that you say you two don't have sex, but it's bound to happen eventually. Especially when your hormones are going all crazy and you're both "In the mood." Sex with a minor is illegal.

Oh, for crying out loud. Kids in Brazil say they're dating at age six. The reason why dating at age fourteen is bad is because you're immature, since it's your first time. Guess what? Wait until you're 24, you're still going to be immature, because it'll still be your first time.

Now we're using Brazil as a model for how we should act? Let's let everyone use drugs then and just give them a warning. Kids that are 14 are much less emotionally mature than 16 year olds. At 24 you're more mature and have a lot more wisdom than at 14. If I was to use your argument model, then I could also advocate letting kids drink at 14 because whether you let them at 14 or at 24 it'll be the same right?

Brazil doesn't have that much drug use. And I'm not talking kids from the slums here, I'm talking the upper middle class that live, honestly, healthier lives than we do.

Nope, that extrapolation is wrong- the drinking thing is because really, it's bad for you at any age, and experience isn't going to make it better, they've just figured out that people do more damage to themselves and everyone else if you tell them alcohol is illegal.

Dating, on the other hand, is something that really does get a lot better from experience, and I can tell you that a sixteen-year-old who's been casually dating since she was six (it's cute, they hold hands, seriously) seems a lot more capable of taking care of herself in a relationship than a girl who reaches the age of eighteen without ever so much as a peck on the cheek. Yes, you can gain some of that experience from watching other people's interactions. Yes, at age 24, you're more likely to demand a condom. But a lot of the maturity has to come from a few, fumbling firsts.  

[sandrock_buck]

Centipedes In Utero

I love how people who date kids in high school claim their SO is "mature" for their age. lol ******** kind of agree with the parents. 14 year olds shouldn't date. They should be focusing on school work, so they can graduate from high school and not end up as a drop out who trolls theater groups for underage p***y.

I bet the majority of relationships like these only exist because the guy has a car.

7 people disapproved, and I was the only one to make a cynical post? Pansies, the lot of you. Also: teenagers in wuv, blah blah blah, use your imagination.

Ma'am, I could not agree with you more. I've seen some pretty messed up relationships in the past. But the fact of the matter is, she should be less concerned with her love life and more concerned with her school grades. Think of it this way, if she spent the time that she spends with you studying instead of wth you, she might go from being a BC student to a AB or even A student. The fact is, you really shouldn't be dating before the age of 18 or 17 at the EARLIEST. I've seen many a friend torn apart by a relationship they'd been having with a younger person and the relationship had not worked out. I've seen it happen about six times fro three reasons.
1) They guy/girl couldn't keep his/her hands off.
2) The guy/girl got interested in people their own age.
3) The guy/girl was a general.... we use the term "shitbag" in the Navy....

So no, I don't think you two should be dating. You sir, need to focus on your goals, becoming a psychologist is not an easy path and requires an above average college education. There are a lot more burger flippers than doctors in this world, just saying. Don't focus on "someone to fix you". Only you can do that. And she n eeds to focus on her education so that she can achieve her own goals.  

[cvbkfgbkjmgbcj]

just saying--not that this is really true or even what i think--a lot of people say that girls are 2 years ahead of guys their age, mentally.