Karasu's Journal

[ForeverDreamWithinADream]

It's official, I am pretty sure I am panromantic/demisexual.  

[ForeverDreamWithinADream]

So Friday on opening night of the local fair, I got to preform two dances. I am a ATS and Tribal Fusion Belly Dancer. It was nervous wrecking at first, but I manage to do it and people say I did well and didn't mess up.

This was of the biggest performances of the year.

For once I felt so special. People said I looked good and did a great job and had tons of photos and videos taken, it was like I was a celebrity. I also got to make some new friends. I think I will stick with belly dance/Middle Eastern dance, it was one of the best decisions I ever made and it is quite fun and beneficial. My fellow dancers seem to except everyone too and are like family.  

[ForeverDreamWithinADream]

I went to the doctor's today and I am kind of pissed off about it. So I got the results of my blood work, my testosterone level had an H next to it as well as the Bun cretintine ratio or however you spell. H means it is high. My estradial level is about equal to my testosterone level, but the testosterone is still higher.

Basically he said my female hormones are out of whack, which I already knew, but thinks losing even more weight would magically solve it. Here's the thing, I always had a hormone problem since puberty and that's when I also started gaining weight. I know I need to lose some, but I am still under 200 pounds. About in the 160 range. I think there is more to it then just my weight.

Also he never told me about the bun thing being too high (that has to do with the kidneys). Good thing I got a copy, my parents were thinking about finding another doctor, but don't know where to look. He's good for weight loss, thyroid and diabetes, just not when it comes to sex hormones. Nobody seems to be able to help, just take more hormones and weight loss. Kind of tired of it as nothing has helped me so far.

Oh well, I am going to try harder to lose weight anyways, but I doubt it will solve this problem I had for years as I weighed less before and it never helped. I am just doing it more to prevent diabetes and to look better.  

[ForeverDreamWithinADream]

Feel tired of Gaia and DA and other forums for whatever reason, I decided to try one more thing due to advice from someone and joined Tumblr. OMG, I love it! I wasn't so sure about it at first and didn't like it, but now I am actually meeting and talking to be and being part of something.

I meet this wonderful group on there.

I still hate real life though. I am tired of being insulted and dealing with the same crap over and over.  

[ForeverDreamWithinADream]

Have you ever felt so out of place that you don't belong anywhere or feel excluded or hurts when everyone talks and praise others and you go unnoticed?

I tried being nice and making an effort, but not I just sort of don't anymore as I feel like there is no point and starting to ignore other people's posts/works/etc..... Part of me thinks it is the wrong thing to do and to just stuck it up and be nice, not expect anything in return and keep trying. Another part of me thinks that it is only fair, why got out of your way if people aren't really noticing you, say things that feels hurtful (maybe not always realizing it) and not really to do the same.

Some days I feel like giving up on people and groups completely. Usually it isn't anything permanent, but feel that it is wrong and starts to worry me. Maybe I just can't connect with people. Not really close to people, even my own family.

Just a journal rant as I hadn't made one in awhile and it was bugging me a lot.