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Everything seems to be falling in to place now. It would seem that the good Karma I've been building up as of late, has finally come to fruition.

My final student loan has gone through, my college has accepted it and I need only now ask what I need to do to finalize everything.

I've pretty much gotten ever material thing I'll need for dorm/student life.

My appeasement is growing daily as my stress level falls ever more.

On top of it all, the weather has been absolutely lovely here; blue skies shining from horizon to horizon.

Even better, I have decided to begin making radical changes to my character and behavior. I suppose I'm attempting to reinvent myself and begin anew as I enter into my tumultuous new life.

I'm hopeful, I'm energized, I'm full of ambition and drive, everything seems to be inspiring me as of late, and ultimately I'd say I'm just ready to take on the whole world.

This all just goes to show that when I kick my a** into gear things start to come together and the road becomes smooth. Let's just hope I keep this momentum going.

At the time, whenever I get in that mood that I was in where I felt the need to vent, I always just feel so, not misunderstood, but almost uninteresting I suppose, where no one quite cares to get where my head is at.

Today, however, I feel much the opposite.

I've kind of had an epiphany where I've realized that I really just don't even want someone else in my life to love or feel loved by. In some ways I feel almost relieved that I have myself to rely on and only myself to worry about.

Ultimately I think it's often that I strive for someone like myself, someone who shares my eccentricities and my thought process. Someone who has similar ambitions and a similar drive to make their dreams fulfilled.

I guess I've always wanted someone who wanted what I did and was willing to help me, as I would help them, get to that place.

Now, I think I've begun to understand myself and get that I don't need this "ideal' person. While it might make the ride through a life a little bit brighter and a little more enjoyable, I'm okay with just flying solo. It leaves so much more room to meet others and to let them in. It just gets a little lonesome at times but the feeling never lasts c:

It's nice to hear, however, that someone went through something similar. Makes me seem less crazy.

So with only three more days before I move out of my house and into my dorm, I decided to start packing up most of my stuff.

Basically, everything that I purchased or will be using in my dorm room has been packed away, the majority of my clothes, cleaning supplies, pretty much all the non-essentials that I will need to survive the next three days.

All in all, there are ten boxes, two or which are clothing, one that is my microwave, one that is my printer, another for my tv, and the other five are basically random stuff, like cleaning supplies, little collapsable storages, that sort; two of those five are also very small.

But holy hell, I didn't realize I had so much crap!

My bedding and towels are just in bags and their original packaging. I have no intentions of packing them into boxes, no need, but like holy crap!

So much stuff and it's not even everything I need for room. I haven't yet purchased a rug, or a shower curtain. I mean, gahhh. I just feel a bit overwhelmed now.

With that said, I'm both really excited and anxious now. These next three days are going to go so fast, I don't even know what to do with myself.

I love change but wooo, this all super fast change!

Suppose I just need to roll with the punches and keep on keepin' on.

My life is one big frustration and leaves me constantly flustered.

The emotional detachment I'm plagued with leaves me so far out of reach with everyone around me. My mind is elsewhere. I can't help but feel that I'm always being left behind but is it that I'm truly left in the dust or am I just so far ahead of others that I'm in my lonesome?

College has taught me a lot about myself. I find it difficult to relate and express myself to others. My complicated existence is something that I can't even understand so how can I begin to explain it to others?

Additionally, I've been faced with the cold hard fact that I want what I simply cannot have.

I'm looking to feel loved and to love another yet I always find myself with my nose pointed in the wrong direction. My self worth, while not completely gone, is severely diminished as of late, and I don't feel as though anyone desires me in the way that I had hoped someone would.

My attractions at this university have me eyeballing the heterosexual guys and wishing they'd notice me. I already know they won't have me, so why do I continue looking?

Even so, I really don't think I actually want a relationship. I think rather than having a boyfriend I'd rather just have that male companion who's by my side at every turn and looking out for me as I would them.

I can't really even make sense of any of it. I know things will change, I know I'll find what I'm looking for, and everything will look a bit brighter but there is always that minor doubt.

The only thing I can really do at this point is just persevere and resist the temptation to give up.

I need to vent before I blow up on this self-centered t**t in my dorm.

The girl is fine maybe about 30% of the time and the rest of that 70% it's all about her.

I just bought new speakers recently and they arrived today in the post. Naturally, I set them up and tested them out. Mind you, it was about midday so well outside of quiet hours.

Now between then and now I had class and to get dinner so they've been off.

My other friends in the dorm wanted to test them out with me after dinner so we can back, it's about 6:30, so well outside of quiet hours still, and my friends are really jamming out. No problem. They leave the room so I turn it down considerably. Within a matter of 2-3 minutes of me TURNING IT DOWN I get a text from the self-centered chick down the hall asking me to turn it off or disconnect my speakers so she can study.

Okay. Now, I'm a fairly considerate person, so I turned my speakers WAY DOWN, doubt anyone can here them from outside of my room with the exception of a little bass leaking from the windows.

My issue though, is that on campus we have a massive library that was built for students to use as a place to study. Its 4 or 5 floors, the upper two of which no talking is even allowed. This is the perfect place for her to march her a** and study but she'd rather sit in her room and b***h b***h b***h.

This is incredulous infuriating because my room shares a wall with the community den. This girl is notorious for staying up in the den until 5 am, during quiet hours, screaming, laughing, being obnoxious. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night and when I've asked her to be quiet she yes' me to death but then never follows through.

Why, why the ******** should I have to turn my speakers down when 1. you can go study outside of the dorm in several places MEANT for studying and 2. you give no consideration to any other individual in this dorm.

I just don't get it, I don't understand how she has the audacity to ask someone else to be quiet when at 10 am on the dot she blasts her music because "it's not quiet hours anymore".

I want nothing more right now than to just turn my speakers up all the way and say ******** you. And really, I think I have the right to do so.

After all, you get what you give and if you're serving a plate of s**t I'll serve you a ******** dump truck worth of it.

For the first time in probably two years I've finally heard from Blair.

I am a complete loss for words and thinking about it makes me cry like a baby.

All this time I thought I was the farthest thing from his mind and today he said he was thinking about.

After everything that has happened between us, the good and the absolute terrible, for him to take even a moment to say hey is enough to make my chest heavy again.

I can't stop crying. The joy I feel right now is incomparable to anything else in the world.

I just hope that maybe this will become a habit, that he and I will somehow get back to being the friends we used to be.

So I've come to the realization of why I'm so upset by what happened.

It really has nothing to do with the guy himself or how shitty the situation turned out to be. It all sort of boils down to how he treated me, how I let him treat me, and how stupid I had been.

I'm no good at emotions. I'm no good at having feelings for others genuine or otherwise. I'm no good at making planned decisions, I'm far too impulsive. I'm no good at dealing with my feelings long after the event has passed.

Really I think I'm most upset with myself. That I'm honest but not honest enough. That I hold myself back, settle for less, and put my self in shitty situations all because I'm not willing to speak my mind. And then there I sit, upset, annoyed, on the verge of tears and coming to the same conclusion that I always do, that I need to make a change in my life.

But it never happens.