♡ The Diary of an Angel ♡ - Psykfall

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

August 16 2012, Thursday

I'm just going to whine a bit - I miss my boyfriend and I don't know when I can see him. I makes me sad. And I doesn't get better that he dreams about me and that I get killed in my the dreams and that makes him sad. ... I miss him.

emotion_hug At least you know he dreams about you... and I think it's symbolic; maybe he's afraid of losing you? (Nobody ever said dream symbols had to be subtle, this one's as subtle as a brick through a window.)  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

Angelic Dust

August 16 2012, Thursday

I'm just going to whine a bit - I miss my boyfriend and I don't know when I can see him. I makes me sad. And I doesn't get better that he dreams about me and that I get killed in my the dreams and that makes him sad. ... I miss him.

emotion_hug At least you know he dreams about you... and I think it's symbolic; maybe he's afraid of losing you? (Nobody ever said dream symbols had to be subtle, this one's as subtle as a brick through a window.)

Is is actually afraid of losing me. He's afraid that I'll find someone else or that I'll leave him. gonk  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

Gigi Deveraux

Angelic Dust

August 16 2012, Thursday

I'm just going to whine a bit - I miss my boyfriend and I don't know when I can see him. I makes me sad. And I doesn't get better that he dreams about me and that I get killed in my the dreams and that makes him sad. ... I miss him.

emotion_hug At least you know he dreams about you... and I think it's symbolic; maybe he's afraid of losing you? (Nobody ever said dream symbols had to be subtle, this one's as subtle as a brick through a window.)

Is is actually afraid of losing me. He's afraid that I'll find someone else or that I'll leave him. gonk

Insecure, much? Seriously, if you haven't given him any reassons to think you might do that, then a) he's monumentally insecure, b) is accusing you of his own behavior, c) does not get that you're with him, or d) all of the above.  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

Angelic Dust

Gigi Deveraux

Angelic Dust

August 16 2012, Thursday

I'm just going to whine a bit - I miss my boyfriend and I don't know when I can see him. I makes me sad. And I doesn't get better that he dreams about me and that I get killed in my the dreams and that makes him sad. ... I miss him.

emotion_hug At least you know he dreams about you... and I think it's symbolic; maybe he's afraid of losing you? (Nobody ever said dream symbols had to be subtle, this one's as subtle as a brick through a window.)

Is is actually afraid of losing me. He's afraid that I'll find someone else or that I'll leave him. gonk

Insecure, much? Seriously, if you haven't given him any reassons to think you might do that, then a) he's monumentally insecure, b) is accusing you of his own behavior, c) does not get that you're with him, or d) all of the above.

I already know why he's afraid of losing me. He simply thinks he's not "good enough" for me and that he can't satisfy me the way I want and need. But I'm just like him. Guess we're both have low self-esteem and stuff.  

[mahou prince]

21 August 2012, Tuesday

Been having these strange dreams lately. Can't always remember all of them, but they tend to be very...bizarre. Like last night I dreamt something about a huge dog that was going to eat me or something. And I dream about dinosaurs, being lost in forests and realizing I'm the only human left on earth and stuff like that. Sometimes I wonder how the brain works when you go to sleep.

On to something else now - I've ordered catalogues from universities that I want to attend. I hope I get them today (it's in the middle of the night right now) so that I have lots and lots of time to read them. I still haven't the slightest idea of what I want to do. I don't know if I want to attend a whole program and become...a teacher or a biologist or something like that. I think I'll go for the courses, like Japanese and things that interest me. But to have any chances of getting in to the university I have to take this stupid test in October that'll cost me 350SEK (about...$52 I think) and I don't have that much since I have no source of income. So...yeah. But I'll manage! The second problem with this test is that it's a difficult one with 160 questions. And I just realized that I only have about a month to decide whether I want to take the test or not. Myh! I don't like these problems! I just have to keep my eyes on my goals! It always seems impossible until it's done!  

[mahou prince]

23 August 2012, Thursday

omgomgomgomg! <3 I'm going to see my boyfriend tomorrow! Going to stay at his place until Tuesday and it's going to be all OM TO THE NOM! It's only been like two weeks since we last saw each other, but I miss him like crazy. I'll start climbing the walls soon. Imma be Spiderwoman! >8D But I don't even like spiders. I hate spiders to be honest. But..yeah. Boyfriend - nom. Getting up at like 7am to get ready and to catch the bus at 8.35am - not so nom.

EDIT;; Also, a train ride on 4 hours - not so nom.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

23 August 2012, Thursday

omgomgomgomg! <3 I'm going to see my boyfriend tomorrow!.

Have fun! emotion_hug  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

Angelic Dust

23 August 2012, Thursday

omgomgomgomg! <3 I'm going to see my boyfriend tomorrow!.

Have fun! emotion_hug

I will! cat_blaugh  

[mahou prince]

9 September 2012, Thursday

You know that feeling of emptiness and hopelessness that sometimes just comes to you sometime? Like a sudden wave? You get the feeling that nothing you do is good enough. Nothing you think is a happy thought. Nothing you say comes out the way you want it to. Everything just seems...hopeless. "You can't do anything right! You're ugly! You're fat! You're disgusting! You are not even loved! You're simple not good enough..." That is what the little voice in my head keeps telling me over and over and over again. I don't know... I don't even know why these feelings suddenly washed over me.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth anything. Like I'm nothing. Just a small corn of sand in the dessert.

Sometimes I just want to lie down and disappear. Forever.  

[mahou prince]

15 September 2012, Saturday

It's been nearly three weeks since I last saw my boyfriend. It kinda starts tearing me down. I feel so small and helpless without him, but I know it's worse for him. He has never been the emotional guy, but now that he's with me, he feels so...alone and sad and everything that he's not supposed to feel! And I feel that it's my fault, somehow. But I don't know... None of us do. The only thing we know is that we don't know when we'll see each other again. I'm busy with this course I'm taking and I won't have any money until the middle of October, but even if I get money I still don't know if I can go to him. It's all so complicated. And he doesn't even know is he's going to get money or not. He local job allocation (or what ever it's called in English...) hasn't returned his e-mails or sent out a letter and called him. Nothing! He just wants to go and hide from the world sometimes, and so do I. I ******** hate life. Why can't thing never be fair? And easy?

And I've kinda gone back to old habits - more or less starving myself. I won't east more than three small meals a day and I won't allow myself to eat past six o'clock, but weekends are an exception. Just this week I've lost a kilo by eating way too small meals. I've become a slave to the scale and every morning I step up on in, hoping to see the numbers go down. When the numbers are lower than the day before I get this happy feeling. Like I've accomplished something. Like I can do something. And thanks to that, I get anxious if I eat something 'cause I'm afraid I will gain weight from it. And what's really sad is that I get jealous of a girl with anorexia. I know, it's really sad and... I don't know. I guess I'm just weird. Urgh... "Dear life! Be easy! Sincerely Angelic Dust"

But on to something that's not as depressing - I've read through an old RP me and a friend had. A yaoi-RP in Swedish. Oh, how I miss that. I want to do it again. I want to have a yaoi-RP. I'm kinda thinking of making that RP into a short story or something. It's so cute! My OC's name is Matthew, he has a depression disorder as well as borderline, anxious disorder and sleeping problems and he cuts himself. Oh, and he's in to sadomasochistic games. ... He's just weird, but I kinda like him.
I want a yaoi-RP like...now.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Angelic Dust

emotion_hug Oh, sweetie, I can tell all the way from over here that you're depressed and dealing with an eating disorder. emotion_hug

I'd ask you why you're punishing yourself over things you have no control over, but I know you don't have an answer to that. Hell, I've done self-destructive things I couldn't really explain, too. It takes a therapist to help with that.

I wish you could/would talk to a specialist, because you deserve to be happy, and we can't always find the path on our own. emotion_hug  

[mahou prince]

7 October 2012, Sunday

The moment when everything just seems to go to Hell. Nothing feels good right now. I haven't been with my boyfriend for almost a month and a half, I'm having my period every other week and even bleed slightly in between the "periods", I don't want to take my pills (what ever it's called in English. Contraceptive pill?) but I don't know if I should, I feel ugly and worthless and I just want to hide under a rock. The biggest problem isn't that I miss my boyfriend, the problem is that I'm constantly bleeding and have been for the past three or four weeks. And it makes me feel so disgusting. I never feel clean even if I just had a shower. Sometimes I just ******** hate my life.

Yes, I'm whining, let me. That's why I keep a journal - to whine.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Psykfall

7 October 2012, Sunday

The moment when everything just seems to go to Hell. Nothing feels good right now. I haven't been with my boyfriend for almost a month and a half, I'm having my period every other week and even bleed slightly in between the "periods", I don't want to take my pills (what ever it's called in English. Contraceptive pill?) but I don't know if I should, I feel ugly and worthless and I just want to hide under a rock. The biggest problem isn't that I miss my boyfriend, the problem is that I'm constantly bleeding and have been for the past three or four weeks. And it makes me feel so disgusting. I never feel clean even if I just had a shower. Sometimes I just ******** hate my life.

Yes, I'm whining, let me. That's why I keep a journal - to whine.

TAKE. THE DAMN. PILLS!!!!

Seriously, I think part of your problem is hormones influencing your emotions. I bet stress is making you bleed irregularly too. TAKE THE PILLS, the worst thing that can happen is you don;t feel any better. If that's the case SEE A DOCTOR, but first TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!  

[mahou prince]

Gigi Deveraux

I've already stopped taking them after talking to a doctor. She said I could stop eating them if I wanted before I actually go see the doctor and talk to her, in hopes of getting something better that hopefully can fix my problems. But... I don't know. I just don't want to bleed for four weeks with barely a day's break.  

[mahou prince]

1 March 2013, Friday

Long time, no see, dear journal.
Things are going... I don't know really. Let's put it this way - is it bad to get anxious and feel ugly and disgusting for eating one toast? I don't know. I just...feel disgusted by myself for eating. Urgh.

I've started studying again. At a university. Only taking Japanese though. Woho? Sadly, I don't find it especially fun. I actually think it's kinda boring. That might be since I know most of the things we're doing right now. And since I'm studying at home and not actually go to the uni to have class, we still have e-meetings to practice out speech in group. That made me terribly anxious yesterday for my class today, so I ended up skipping it just to feel better. ******** I'm going to my boyfriend next Friday after my Japanese class. Hopefully I can catch the bus that leaves at 12.05 to be able to get on the train that leaves 13.20 so that I can be at him at 16.30. Would be nice. I don't want to get there too late!

I want to watch anime, but I can't relax enough to do it. I want to read, but I can't make myself actually do it. I have about ten books that's waiting to be read! My period is a b***h and hates me. I want to draw, my I have no inspiration. I want to write a short story, but I don't know what about. I love to RP and stuff, but my imagination is gone with the wind and I can't be bothered to reply. My hair looks like crap and I hope to get it cut next week.

And yes, I am whining again. That's what I'm good at - whining.

I really need Gaia to fix the glitch with the black items. hturhdfxij!!!!