Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm not in the mood for anything too deep today. I found the cards I had been given for Christmas and Valentine's from Andrew (I didn't even realise I had kept them still), so it set me back a bit. And then I dreamt that I saw him and his ex back together (impossible since she dumped after realising she was, in fact...a lesbian), and we ended up in a raging argument. So yeah...feeling in the mood for something a bit lighter than what's actually supposed to be written today.

So yeah, actually Andrew wasn't really one of those guys who just didn't get when you can and can't say things. That was always more Simon's thing xd There has been many things Simon has said to me over the years over knowing him, though this has always been my particular favourite - after noting that I don't eat a lot for lunch, he announced "Wow, so if you actually did some exercise, you'd be as thin as a rake." Thanks Simon! rofl Fortunately, I'm pretty good at not letting that kind of thing get to me, so I just laughed at him (since he couldn't see how that could be insulting).

Anyway, back to Andrew. We are pretty much the same height, but there's no point in sugar coating it - I am overweight. Oh yeah, the little stars - the sizes in the quotes are UK sizes so, on the off chance someone not British is reading this - that's US 6 and 12. Now, I'm not really a big shopper. Unless the mood really grabs me, I'm more of a 'man shopper' - that is, I go into the shop, get what I want, and leave. When I cam back from Spain, I had no jumpers, and despite being early summer, it was cold in the UK stare So we went on a little shopping trip.

We got to the shop, wandered around looking for jumpers, found them. I basically just grabbed the first one I liked the look of and held it out to get a better look, not checking the size. Deciding I liked it, I said aloud:
Me: OK, I'll have this one...just not in size 8.
Him: So what size are you?
Me: Umm...definitely bigger than size 8.
Him: Tell me please?
Me: Well probably size 14 for a jumper [I like them a size bigger so I can layer up underneath]
Him: Oh right...I can fit into size 8 tracksuit bottoms.

At first I thought that he meant men's, and the sizes were different somehow. And then I remembered that actually, the sizing is completely different, so he really meant women's 8. So I had just been told that I am 3 dress sizes bigger than my boyfriend. Yeah...I feel good about myself confused I knew I was bigger than him, but not that much bigger. It was even worse when I tried on the jumper and it was really tight gonk Turns out the sizing must have been crazy or something, since I've got size 16 jeans that are practically falling off of me, and yet size 14 jumper just fits (I'm pear-shaped too!). I went ahead and bought the thing anyway because I couldn't bear to get the next size up. At least it was only cheap xd

So this may have seemed like a while for me to get to this point, but originally this was number 10 I think. That's still pretty far down the list, but after writing the previous 9, I finally clicked that this was one of the major problems.

I'm certain I wrote about this before (I just can't remember when xd ) but, without realising, I had become depressed. Not so much that I was depressed all the time, but my emotions had become overly reliant on the relationship. When things went OK, I was fine. The moment things went bad...I went down with it. It wasn't like that all the time, and I'm not even sure when I became that way.

I guess it was probably sometime around the 4 month mark, because when I went to Spain, I wasn't myself any more. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do go out. I like to get out and experience things. But for the entire 3 months, I didn't want to do anything. I'm not blaming Andrew for any of this - it wasn't like he was making me go on the computer and talk to him. But I didn't like the area I was at, the people I was with, so I just got too dependant on him. Hence why every little thing that happened got to me so easily.

It's why even one week after the relationship ended, I started feeling like myself again. And I hadn't even realised I wasn't feeling like myself. oh, and I haven't just ignored the quote - honestly it sums up what was happening pretty well. Honestly, there was a constant love triangle going on. Not me-Andrew-Summer (ex), but me-Andrew-computer. That got me down too a lot, but that was still partly due to my growing dependency. Still, I don't think I'm too unjustified in getting upset with him a lot of the time - only talking to your long-distance girlfriend morning and night, basically before and after getting on the computer, seems like a good reason to get upset.

Wow, life just suddenly caught me up there eek One second I'm chilling over summer, next I'm running around panicking. It's not everyday you find out your mum's got cancer (a relatively treatable form, but still cancer), you've got a cyst on your nerve in your wrist, and you're moving back to university all in one week. Damn life, couldn't you have given me a little breathing space?!

Anyway, so here's is today's (much delayed) point.

Japan.

Oh yes, Japan was, is, and will likely continue to be an issue. Now to avoid this becoming another ridiculously long narrative as with the whole Simon-me-Andrew post, I'm going to try and limit this to three main things.

1. Our trip to Japan. As part of my university course, I got to study in Japan for a year. Yay! blaugh Seriously, it was the best year of my life by far, even with point #2. Andrew wanted to come out and visit while I was there, and we planned about 10 days travelling together before I had to go back to classes, so then he'd have had probably another week of sight-seeing by himself. It was always fun explaining to people that we a) weren't going out and b) he was coming to see Japan, not me. I gave up in the end, explaining it, and let people think whatever they wanted. And it was all set too happen until...

2. March 11 Earthquake. I was in Japan, stuck about 75 miles north of Tokyo for 2 days. He was still back home, waiting to come out, since the trip was planned for roughly 10 days after the earthquake hit. Honestly, when I first got back to Tokyo and we talked about it, we were hopeful that he might still be able to come out since most of our plans were to the West, not the East of Japan. However, the situation only got worse, and in the end I got called out of Japan by my university. So no trip.

Now there are 2 major issues that are still around that came about from this event.
1) I never really got the idea that he seemed to...bothered about the effect the whole thing had on me. No, I don't go around talking about it 24/7 because I don't want to feel like one event dictates my whole life. I was lucky that I was away from the coast, no buildings collapsed where I was, and I was able to get back to Tokyo relatively quickly. But, that doesn't mean that it was nothing. He 100% knows I still get nightmares because I had one while I was staying with him. To which, by the way, he did one of his most annoying traits - grabbing my arm and putting it over him...when I'm upset. Sorry, but that's really not very comforting.
2) He never got to go to Japan. OK, this can actually be split into another 2 points, but I'll just stick with this as one xd Now since he never got there, and I stayed there for nearly an entire year (I returned to Japan 3 weeks after the earthquake for another 3 months), he simply couldn't stand hearing about it. I did feel a bit bad, but it's not like I was constantly talking about my time there. He would get upset every time I spoke about it, which is a little annoying when it's something I enjoy recalling. The other reason he never got to go was that he chose not to go in the summer instead, even though he could have rebooked it. The reason why? Because it was the only time his then-girlfriend (the one from which he rebounded) could go to visit him. Oh, except by the time she would have been visiting, she'd already ended it. So he gave up his trip to Japan...for nothing. He's never specifically told me this, but I am pretty good at investigating so I do know this is correct.

If I'm perfectly honest, at the time I felt a little bad for him. Now...there may be a part of me making this face twisted

3. Me (hopefully) returning to Japan. This year, I'm applying for a scheme to work in Japan. I really, really want to do it whee Anyway, while we were going out, we'd already decided he would come out to visit, maybe for a month while I was out there, and we could finally have the trip that never happened emotion_kirakira Sorry I had to do that xd Upon getting dumped, he tells me straight away afterwards (seriously, it might have been in the same breath) that he's still interested in going to Japan. Yeah, I know. Probably even if I went crazy-psycho-b***h on your a** and wrecked your car you might still be tempted to go out for a trip to Japan.

I don't know if he genuinely thought it would somehow be a comfort, or he just wanted to make sure I didn't completely cancel it, but either way, my mind was made up probably...2 days after the break-up. It would be the most ridiculously inappropriate thing to do, go on a month-long holiday...with my ex. If we were both single at the time, it would just be tempting fate too much I think. If one or both of us were with other people, I think there would be so much jealously in the air, there's be a permanent green mist floating about. And maybe to start with, there was an element of spite. You lose me, you lose Japan xd But regardless, I still think it's valid not wanting to go on holiday with him. Don't get me wrong, if he wants to crash at my place and travel, I'll let him do that. Just not an actual holiday together...I'm not going to tell him any of this though, unless it comes up. I'm hoping this time apart we've had will have made him realise that really, Japan's off the cards for him as far as I'm concerned.

Well, in fairness, our OCDs manifested itself in different ways. I compulsively...pick my skin. Sorry if that sounds gross, but that's what it is. His was more like, certain patterns. I can't remember exactly how it worked, but he had to walk with an even number of steps before changing to another material (so if he walked 11 steps on grass, he'd have to add another step before walking on the pavement). And he had to tap his razor 3 times on the basin while shaving, just stuff like that

So actually, in the beginning, I think it was pretty good because we understood. We didn't necessarily understand why the other did what they did, but we at least understood the frustration the other felt from it.

The thing was, with mine, is that it was self-destructive. And, although I liked to say he never cared about me at all, the truth is he did (it was just that it was really only as a friend). Which is why after I explained to him about my compulsions, he asked me "Please stop...for me". Now, the thing is, this is something I have done for much of my life, and if it were as simple as just stopping for someone, I would have stopped by now. I don't think he ever intended to put the amount of pressure on me that he did, but after one month of me guilt-tripping myself, I flat out told him that I couldn't just stop. I would try, I really would, but he shouldn't expect anything. After that, it was just never mentioned again really.

Oh I was so angry when I wrote this point - I did a lot of editing out of swear words before I posted it here xp But although it was written in anger, I still thinks it's a valid point.

Now, the thing is, my family are well and truly in the middle bracket as far as money is concerned - we make enough to live comfortably, but we don't really have enough to be classed as rich. His family on the other hand...yeah. It wasn't that he flaunted it, if anything it was the exact opposite, since the only reason I know *exactly* how well off him and his family are was because he confided in me about it. He admitted that he didn't like to tell people about it really.

So yeah, it's not exactly like he had some horrible attitude about money, and he definitely wasn't spoilt or anything. But, and maybe this is something to do with the different backgrounds, in my family, where we can, we like to spoil our loved ones. And it's not with expensive gifts, sometimes they're really cheap, it's just something we know would mean something to that person.

He never seemed to even think of that as something to do. All the time, excluding one particular weekend, it would be we'd split the bill, I'd pay for myself, that kind of thing. I'm not lying when I say I don't mind - I really don't - but it's nice to be spoilt. Also, when you already know the guy well, and you can tell he's edging you towards the cheaper meals, it doesn't sit particularly well.

Now the other part of it was the travelling. As I said in the previous entry, I only ever travelled to where he was, and it never happened the other way round. I was never, ever going to ask for him to split the ticket with me because a) I'd always thought it would eventually even out and b) it felt just too awkward being like "Hey I paid £50 to come see you, feeling like giving me say, £15, towards that?". No, just no.

Since I was spending out so much money, I was going to flat out tell him that he would have to come to me for a while but well, we all know how that's ended. It's not like it's ever going to be balanced out. I did blame him to start with, the fact I ended up spending so much money. But I know it was my decision, my money, therefore my fault. Just would have been nice if he'd paid out for something more than just once.

So today's post is bought to by the letter D, for douchebag! biggrin

This post was originally going to be a post discussing how he was completely spineless on many issues, especially his dad. But you know what?

SCREW THAT FOR A PACKET OF CRISPS!*

I underlined the first sentence though because it's still key to my post. That is, I discovered something interesting today. Not gonna bother giving the whole back story that led to this happening (there is actually a logical sequence of events here), but I went onto Andrew's facebook page.

Bad idea, I know, so sue me.

Anyways, he's with someone else. I fully expected that, since the one thing I did learn from the relationship was that actually, he one of these people who needs another person in their life. I was expecting it to be someone from work or something like that.

Oh no. Oh no no no. It's someone online. From the US as well! biggrin Oh I'm sorry, what the hell was that about long distance being too hard?

This was actually the first excuse he plied me off with. The next one was that he only sees me as a friend. This girl has been around since before we broke up. Sooo....I'm thinking less saw me only as a friend, and more saw her as more than a friend. [insert long list of swear words here]

And lastly, the cherry on this disgusting sundae, "I never got over my ex". Which means, as I thought, I was the rebound, the transitional person, or whatever else you want to call it. Fine, I can handle that. You know what I can't handle, the fact that he thought it was totally a-OK to use a friend, an old friend like that.

So now, the one thing I was holding onto as being real (as in him telling me the real reason why it ended), turns out to not be real. That last bit of trust I had, poof, gone. I have it spot on that he has no backbone, because he really doesn't. Fortunately for me, it's been long enough now that I feel strong enough to cut the cord. I don't want to know how his life goes, I don't care too much either.

I'm not gonna bother outlining it all to him this time, I don't want to give him the satisfaction. I'm going to sort out a way to get rid of him quietly, and hopefully that'll be it. I don't need someone so toxic in my life any more.

*Originally I used something a lot stronger...but I'm not sure how much I can get away with saying, so this is the edited version sweatdrop