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 Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:26 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:34 pm
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MadPad I know what you mean, a lot of forums tend to be like that. Don't fear, I don't think we have any trolls around... and you haven't done anything to anger a mod, you should be fine. c: ...btw, welcome to the guild! whee
Usually it was "You're in the wrong forum." I heard that so many times I just gave up completely and started only posting in Heaven.
There was something saying "Come introduce yourself in this thread ____" but I wasn't sure if that was only for members, or if you're allowed to post anything there other than My name is so-n-so, or if you're allowed to post anything at all if you're not a member, and then the member thing was all "You must have a reason for joining or will be refused!" and just... -hides under couch- v.v; |
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:35 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:55 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:00 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:24 pm
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MadPad That's why I'm usually a lurker. xd Never posted anything in Heaven though, I don't get that forum. It looks like a little more polite chatterbox to me. I suppose you had a reason to come here, why didn't you made use of it for your guild application? I doesn't say that you must have a perfectly good reason for joining. c; Come out from under that couch of yours, there's no reason to be nervous! 3nodding
Heaven is supposed to have stricter trolling regulations and is only available for people who've never had any serious violations in the last blah blah months or something and blah blah people have to be nice in there.
I came here because I was desperate to be accepted and not just tolerated. Everybody around me in real life just agrees to keep their opinions to themselves in front of me, but nobody I know is actually just completely and totally okay with me. I feel like everybody is uncomfortable around me and doesn't understand and thinks what I'm doing is wrong and so on and so forth. I know, I know, it could all be worse, but sometimes being quietly ignored is as bad as being openly ridiculed. At least if people openly b***h about it they're accepting it and acknowledging it and not just pretending it doesn't exist. I realize people just don't know what to say and don't know how to handle it but it was driving me crazy. It's not like anyone asks how they should handle it or how I want them to treat me or anything like that.
I'd rather be hated for what I am than accepted as something I'm not by people who don't want to deal with the situation.
I considered looking for a "real" support group/helpline kind of thing (considering my previous experience with people on Gaia being jerks) but I decided to come here first (because I decided to take a leap of faith and presume I've just been in the wrong places all this time). I just need somebody to tell me they're honestly okay with me and actually mean what they say instead of giving me that fake smile and the I'm-only-saying-this-so-you'll-feel-better attitude. I know people mean well when they say things like "I don't approve of what you're doing but I still support you" but it's hurtful all the same. Is there nobody in the world who does approve, does accept it, doesn't secretly think I'm going to hell or that I'm weird or something, and isn't afraid of me?
All that seemed like an awkward thing to put on a membership application. I don't know if I want to be a member yet anyway because I don't know anybody here. I'm testing the waters. |
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:26 pm
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:45 pm
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Taeryyn I understand. I don't enjoy confrontation myself, so I don't often post outside of my guilds anymore. The only thing I can really suggest, at least in here, is that if you have something to say...say it. Some threads are more argumentative than others, particularly if the subject matter is touchy, but it's usually easy enough to avoid those. 3nodding If you don't have anything to say, you're certainly welcome to lurk.
I used to play zOMG a lot, or visit Towns, and you'd see somebody and say something nice like "Oh I like your avatar" and they'd act like you were running up to them naked with a bloody knife in one hand and their mother's head in the other. And then of course you have people who start flaming at you just because you're standing there (I discovered if you don't move or speak they think you're AKF and go away o3o).
But when being nice, or just being present, leads to people acting like tards then I don't even want to attempt saying anything deeper than hello...
Which reminds me, I never took this avatar to Towns to see if the legs wiggle when it walks or just stay static. |
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:10 pm
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Masamune Breaker Heaven is supposed to have stricter trolling regulations and is only available for people who've never had any serious violations in the last blah blah months or something and blah blah people have to be nice in there.
I came here because I was desperate to be accepted and not just tolerated. Everybody around me in real life just agrees to keep their opinions to themselves in front of me, but nobody I know is actually just completely and totally okay with me. I feel like everybody is uncomfortable around me and doesn't understand and thinks what I'm doing is wrong and so on and so forth. I know, I know, it could all be worse, but sometimes being quietly ignored is as bad as being openly ridiculed. At least if people openly b***h about it they're accepting it and acknowledging it and not just pretending it doesn't exist. I realize people just don't know what to say and don't know how to handle it but it was driving me crazy. It's not like anyone asks how they should handle it or how I want them to treat me or anything like that.
I'd rather be hated for what I am than accepted as something I'm not by people who don't want to deal with the situation.
I considered looking for a "real" support group/helpline kind of thing (considering my previous experience with people on Gaia being jerks) but I decided to come here first (because I decided to take a leap of faith and presume I've just been in the wrong places all this time). I just need somebody to tell me they're honestly okay with me and actually mean what they say instead of giving me that fake smile and the I'm-only-saying-this-so-you'll-feel-better attitude. I know people mean well when they say things like "I don't approve of what you're doing but I still support you" but it's hurtful all the same. Is there nobody in the world who does approve, does accept it, doesn't secretly think I'm going to hell or that I'm weird or something, and isn't afraid of me?
All that seemed like an awkward thing to put on a membership application. I don't know if I want to be a member yet anyway because I don't know anybody here. I'm testing the waters.
I see. o:
How do you know that they are only tolerating and not accepting you? Considering my own experience, people who tend to be afraid of social contact usually think about what might be wrong about themselves and project those thoughts on others (I did that a lot and still do). Is it okay to ask you to give an example?
I actually don't know if I'm really okay with you or not, you haven't told us that much yet about you. c: Would you mind telling us a little more about you?
Let me start by telling you something about myself:
Since December 2012 I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not heterosexual. In January I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and accepted my homosexuality. I already told my friends (I didn't make an announcement, whenever the topic came up I mentioned my own sexuality), told my big sister (don't have contact to the rest of my "family" anyway) and of course my ex (before I broke up with her). Everyone, except for my ex (she said a lot of hurtful things...), was okay with it. I'm still feeling very insecure, particularly because I never dated another man before and I can't even imagine how I am supposed to hook up with one. sweatdrop But I'm sure everything will work out eventually... whee
What's your story? c: |
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 5:46 pm
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I'll apologize in advance. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm putting up an emotional barrier because I expect a negative reaction, and people sound really bitchy when they're like that even though they don't intend to. I'll sound like I'm ripping your head off (apparently, as people have told me, every time I keep something short and to the point I'm told I sound mean or something, so I keep adding onto it trying to be as clear as possible). Bitching and lashing out is not my intention but people always tell me that's what it looks like when I try to explain something. I just don't know how to act around people.
Actually I think I'm the human incarnation of Cloud Strife.
Gay people only have to worry about getting put down by straights. I'm that thing that both gay people and straight people avoid. The one thing gay people and straight people both agree on is neither of them want to go out with something like me.
Thing as in 'it' as in transgendered, and 9 out of 10 people reading this just hit the back button on their browser and won't read the rest of this after they see the dreaded T-word. If straight people have homophobia and are always afraid of people thinking they're gay, gay people have trannyphobia and are always afraid of people thinking they're crossdressers.
Ten years ago when I first realized I was different I was very self-confident and open about it and I told anybody who asked. Obviously the first words out of everybody's mouth is "but why would you want to have that done?" and so on and then I have to find some way to explain it, and finally just settled for "It's a mental disorder, Google it if you want to know more about it." I still don't know what to say when kids ask. I still tell anybody in real life who asks, but for the last 7 years I've stopped telling people on the internet. People on the internet are the only people who will treat me like a guy. People in real life just assume I'm a dyke, and then when I'm like "No, I like guys, not girls" then it's kinda like "Oh, you're just a tomboy then." No one treats me like a guy, but they don't even treat me like I'm gay either. They just act like I'm just another girl who doesn't like to wear dresses or makeup, and that's totally normal.
An example is my mom's boyfriend, he's very nice to her and all, she told him about me, he knows. I don't really expect him to start calling me 'he' and whatnot, and I suppose it's nice that he doesn't bring up any Bible crap since he's the deacon at the church or whatever, but when me and mom are together he makes comments like "Oh I get to hang out with two lovely women at the same time!" and "Good gosh, girl!" etc. He's not being mean or anything, he's very nice, he just ignores the tranny stuff and pretends I'm a tomboy.
Another example is my mom, who loves me and all because we're all each other has, she hated gays till she found out I was one of them and then changed how she thinks about things. She'll buy me, like, a pair of shoes or a jacket or something, and then be like "Well nobody knows it came from the women's section." And I'm like yeah, but would you buy this for a real guy? And of course she doesn't know what to say. Because no, you wouldn't buy stuff from the women's section for a real guy just because they don't have his size in the men's section. Real guys don't have to wear women's clothes just because they're too small for men's clothes.
And another example is people know about me and don't say anything bad or whatever, but they want to have 'girls night out' or say 'you go girl!' (which completely ruins whatever they're congratulating me for) or just other general girl stuff around me and then they actually say "Sorry, I forgot." They say SORRY, I FORGOT. If you see a guy in a flowered dress with a wig and make up YOU DON'T FORGET HE'S A TRANS. But you see a girl dressed like a guy and it's just considered normal.
I can't have the operation because it's too expensive. My family is completely s**t poor and we would have to go several states away just to find a doctor who will do it. It's impossible for me. People seem to have the attitude of "Well but you're still a girl so if you ever get turned into a guy, then we'll start treating you like one" and that's never going to happen so they don't need to worry about it. It drives me crazy because I can't do anything about it, I can't date anyone *obviously* because it will be Situation A: straight guy/gay girl wants me to be his/her girlfriend. I say "Well I'm going to have a sex change, is that all right?" *poof* or Situation B: gay guy actually wants me to be his boyfriend, and I say "Well I'm not physically a guy, is that all right?" *poof* or good old Situation C: bisexual person doesn't mind girls that dress like guys, but would still like to have regular guy/girl p***y sex and can not get it through their brain that no, I don't do that, if you go out with me I'll nail you in the a**. *poof* These are all true experiences from both online and real life, on multiple occasions. Names have been left out to protect the innocent. Bl
For the last few years I was doing really well dealing with loneliness, but lately it's been catching up with me. Everybody gets lonely, it happens. I don't really blame people for not wanting anything to do with me cuz if you're attracted to guys you want to have a guy who is actually a guy. I sit around and cry until it hurts and hate myself and consider suicide, and then the people around me in real life just pretend I'm a normal ordinary tomboy, like I'll grow out of it or I'm not serious about it or something.
When we're in town, people have come up to mom before and said "Oh my gosh, I didn't know you had a son that young!" and it has to be embarrassing and awkward for her. When we're in town and she sees someone she knows, I just leave and act like I'm a stranger who happened to be walking by or something. She goes to church so I can't help wondering if anyone is gonna bring that up or if they're thinking bad about her because of me, but no, I don't have any proof of that.
I am defensive, I do assume people are going to reject me, because it has happened so many times before. I've had only one boyfriend in real life, back in high school (people called him queer because he was with me and I felt horrible about it) and I think he may have been sort of bi-ish, but he wanted me as a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. He wanted to see boobs and so on (thus, he really got picked on for nothing). I had a girlfriend online and it was nice for a while, but then she pulled the "I've decided I'm gay, I don't like guys. But you're not REALLY a guy and you won't have the operation so..." and we broke up.
I know I'll never find anyone who will actually fall in love with me if I'm like this, and if I do, I'll only have that ONE person and I'll have to be with that one person because there's no one else. It's always someone you're really not attracted to but they're the only person interested so you have to settle for what you can get. And that just isn't right, it's not fair to the other person to know you're only with them because you can't have someone else.
But romance aside, people in real life like family and friends just ignore what I am and pretend I'm just a tomboy, because I don't like girls. They act like it's normal and whatever. Yeah, all the girls in town wear ace bandages. I enjoy not being able to breathe. Like I said, I don't expect people to go so far as calling me 'he', especially in public, but at least cut the girl jokes. Yes, people are being NICE, but they're ignoring something that causes me extreme emotional distress and acting like it isn't even there, and it's hard. I know they don't know how to deal with it, but the fact they ignore it is what leads me to think they don't really accept it.
Typing this was a waste of time but I guess I needed to post it somewhere. Most of the people reading this said A: loltoolong or B: saw the T-word and quit. I picked this guild because it had "transgender" in the keywords, but I still noticed the topics mentioning this don't have very many replies, there's transphobic comments in people's signatures like "yes I'm gay but I don't dress like a girl so don't stereotype me" etc. I feel like I don't belong here either, like I need to be a trans-only guild made only for crossies like we're so disgusting and nasty that we need to just keep to ourselves and not mingle with normal people. This is the "gay-straight alliance" not the "gay-straight-trans alliance." Sometimes it feels like gays and straights are only allied with each other and both are against me. I'm not a straight girl, I'm not gay guy, I'm nothing, I'm nobody, there's no room in the world for things and its like me.
For 7 years I haven't told anybody online that I'm not really a real guy, but it puts me in the same situation in real life. Real life: normal ordinary tomboy girl. Online: normal ordinary gay guy. But if I tell people what I really am, here comes the But why's and some people will insist on using the 'she' pronoun from then on with the justification of "But you're not really a guy." I know, because that's what happened before I stopped telling people what I really am. Online, they only know what I tell them, and it's easy to just put 25/m/gay/usa, the end. And yes, I want to be treated like just a normal ordinary gay guy, but then I get PMS and I'm depressed and I'm biting people's heads off and I can't admit the real reason why. It's just hard, I don't know what to do. I think I'm going crazy. Literally crazy for real, because I can't deal with it anymore.
Lately, I've stopped uploading my pictures online. It was okay when I was 15, but when you're 25 and still look like Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, people start leaving you comments of "lol you're NOT that old, there's guys in my class that look older than you" which is a bit better than "you look like a girl" I suppose. What pisses me off is my sister is over 6 feet all, and I have another friend online who is a girl and 6 feet tall. People always act like tranny people are supposed to be big and buff and husky, and then I'm this tiny delicate small thing because of my parents and how they're built. I'm 5'3" and weigh less than 100 pounds. There's nothing manly about me at all. If someone dated me and tried to treat me like a guy they'd have to use a lot of imagination. I ask myself, really, is there ANY "real" guys in the world this small? Then the voice in my head goes "Well there's Frodo Baggins..." and I throw a desk. It is frustrating beyond all possible explanation to not only not be a guy, but not even be able to look like one. Unless you are attracted to ***** because anyone your age who is turned on by you is gonna be one. Lately, the only people who look at me in a way that suggests they might think I'm cute has been little girls who think I'm a boy their age and that is extremely awkward...
What's more awkward is I looked just like Justin Beiber before he cut his hair! I honestly think some people in Wal-Mart did double-takes when I walked by the music posters. Is that a confidence boost or a confidence killer?!
Anyway, I just wanted someplace where I could be me and know that people are okay with it, and that's how I ended up here. To be honest, my actual social-phobia isn't much beyond fear of elevators and crowds. It's how many times people have given me that awkward silence, got up and walked away, logged out, yelled at me for lying to them, acting like being gay is okay but having a sex-change is unnatural and wrong (I have been told this, by gay people), etc. It's got me to the point that I don't expect anything more from people than fake niceness or quiet rejection. Some people are nice to everyone cuz that's how they are, and I hate them more than the people who tell me I'm gonna burn in hell and I'm disgusting and weird. At least those people are being honest. I don't like to be lied to. I don't like it when someone I trust tells me they support me but they don't really approve of what I'm gonna have done to myself (this has really happened).
And I expect that here, that's why I'm using a mule that can't be traced to my real account. People on my real account still call me 'he.' I'll start over new and see how it goes if I'm honest from the start and give people a chance to not act how I expect. I used to accept myself and wrote it on my online profiles and everything, but it didn't go very well and now I hate myself because it seems like everyone else already does. They'll be nice, but they won't accept a tranny among them, only a tomboy. I don't want to ruin my pretend online world where I'm a real guy for a while, at least until I sign out. If everything fails I can always run back to my online persona where all I have to worry about is coming out as and dealing with the bumps and consequences of being a gay guy, which is a million times easier than being a transgendered gay guy.
No, I've never been beaten or raped or anything, but I live in constant fear that I will be. I'm afraid to be home alone. I keep wasp killer and a crowbar next to where I sleep. I never, never never should have watched Boys Don't Cry. I'm afraid that "real guys" will be offended by me trying to be one of them. Fear of crowds and elevators became terror so intense that I can't work. I don't leave the house. I don't go outside. I can't apply for disability because I'm too afraid of the doctors and lawyers and strangers that are gonna look down on me. So now I'm a tranny AND a bum, as far as everybody else around here is concerned (no I'm not imagining that out of paranoia, I've heard the comments about why don't I get a job, if I can't get a job why don't I get disability, I'm just lazy, etc).
Yes, I'm paranoid, but it's always because of things that really happened, and happened over and over and over. Even Alice in Wonderland has a tranny joke: "What's funny?" "I had a sudden vision of all the women in trousers and the men wearing dresses." "It would be best to keep your visions to yourself." Crossdressers are "funny." They're things. Not people. "Well if you don't want to be called 'she' then I'll just call you 'it'," is what I was told on a few occasions. Yes, actual experience, not projecting my imaginary thoughts onto other people.
I have one friend in real life, who accepts me and such, but we don't really talk about it much. She doesn't talk about much of anything, she kind of has the mentality of a 10-year-old, you know, not stupid but not really... she just can't be supportive when it comes to something like this. My other friends from high school that accepted me have moved away and gotten married and no longer contact me. Lately my friends online who accepted me have been slipping away for one reason or another. I'm more and more alone all the time. I know there's other people like me and people who would accept me out there somewhere in the world, but I don't know how to find them. That's why I'm here.
Ugh, I typed too much. I actually posted this in the test forum to see if there was a letter limit. I'm sorry, I'll stop. v.v; -crawls back under the couch, tucks in tail- ...
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 6:19 pm
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That was quite a lot, even more than your... first version? I was planning on sending you a PM, but I suppose I don't need to do that anymore... xd
Let's see, I'll keep it short...
First thing I'd like to say; damn, you got my greatest respect sir!
I can't even imagine how it must be to live with the wrong biological gender. Like you said, it must be extraordinary hard to find acceptance or even a special someone who you'd like to keep not only because he/she is the only one accepting you.
How do you even manage to cope with your loneliness? I know it may sound a little insensitive considering your fears, but you have to get out there, face those doctors and lawyers or get a job. You gotta improve your career if you ever want to afford changing that body of yours to your liking! I mean a guy needs his man-parts to feel like a man, right? Maybe then people will finally take you more serious. I can't guarantee that people will understand (I'm not even sure if I do... sweatdrop ), but I'd be a waste if a man like you, who lived through those hardships, would have to live without ever feeling comfortable with his own body!
I'm really no expert on such matters, but I don't see a reason why you have to keep crawling under that couch! Come out of there and explain to me why you think you are the incarnation of Cloud Strife! razz |
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Posted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:16 pm
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Considering your experiences, I can certainly see why you feel the way you do; once burned, twice shy, so it's easy to imagine the result of being burned over and over and over.
Regarding transphobic comments you've seen, in signatures and elsewhere, I would guess that ignorance is a large part of the problem. People are pretty aware of what kind of language is homophobic, but there is a great deal less awareness about transphobia. The solution to that is obviously education, and (as with any issue), I'd encourage any of our members to talk about it. Make a thread about it, make a journal and vent about it, post in threads where it's relevant. If you have ideas for threads, but don't feel comfortable posting them yourself, send a PM to me or another crew-member, and we can post it instead. 3nodding
The majority of the folks here are cisgender, so I do feel like that contributes to the lack of threads that are relevant to the trans* community. We can offer our empathy, but can't really relate, so I would hope that the trans* members that we do have would reach out and share their experiences as often as possible. I believe there are some other guilds that cater specifically to the "T" folks in the LGBT community, as well, so I would guess that those would be worth looking into.
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Posted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 12:56 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:25 am
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MadPad That was quite a lot, even more than your... first version? I was planning on sending you a PM, but I suppose I don't need to do that anymore... xd Let's see, I'll keep it short... First thing I'd like to say; damn, you got my greatest respect sir! I can't even imagine how it must be to live with the wrong biological gender. Like you said, it must be extraordinary hard to find acceptance or even a special someone who you'd like to keep not only because he/she is the only one accepting you. How do you even manage to cope with your loneliness? I know it may sound a little insensitive considering your fears, but you have to get out there, face those doctors and lawyers or get a job. You gotta improve your career if you ever want to afford changing that body of yours to your liking! I mean a guy needs his man-parts to feel like a man, right? Maybe then people will finally take you more serious. I can't guarantee that people will understand (I'm not even sure if I do... sweatdrop ), but I'd be a waste if a man like you, who lived through those hardships, would have to live without ever feeling comfortable with his own body! I'm really no expert on such matters, but I don't see a reason why you have to keep crawling under that couch! Come out of there and explain to me why you think you are the incarnation of Cloud Strife! razz
Because he never fit in with other people and decided to go out and prove the world wrong, then it completely blew up in his face and he spent the rest of his life trying to hide it. He hated himself so much that he tried to be somebody else. And he's completely shitbad with people, everything he says comes out wrong, people think he's weird, he tries to be tough/strong/cool and just looks like an a**, he doesn't know how to act around anybody. And he's little. Not as little as me but little enough to relate to when he has to stand on his toes to tell someone off.
I know, it was embarrassingly long. ;A; But when people would ask about something and I'd only say part of it, they wouldn't understand so I'd have to explain the next and the next until they finally saw the big picture, and that would take hours. After going through that several times with several different people, I finally just decided it's best to go ahead and put everything at once.
I could probably deal with people and stuff better if I just had somebody to support me and whatever. But it's really hard to do anything on your own by yourself, especially when you're small. If I go out to see doctors and lawyers, they're gonna be NICE and say ma'am this, ma'am that. It makes me feel awful, like I try and try and try to be a guy and everyone just still only sees a girl, no matter what I do. And sometimes people do say "sir" first, until I talk with my damnd stupid shitass fail voice, and then they switch to ma'am and you can tell it embarrassed them because they made a mistake and it's just awful, I hate it, it's hard to do stuff around strangers. Everything they say will be ma'am ma'am ma'am. I feel like I'm made out of glass when that happens. I can't focus on whatever the point of the meeting is because they keep reminding me of what I am every two minutes. I flat out hate polite people.
I've had my name changed, but since I go by Danny everyone is like "For Danielle, right?" I could scream. I even have a guy's name and people still just ignore that too. I should have changed it to Fred or something obnoxious. Then they would say "Your real name is Fredrika, right?" If I was Bob then it must be for Bobby Jo... I just hate the world sometimes, people don't do this if a guy named Sarah walks up to you. I called on the phone once about picking up a ring for my sister and was like "Well it's bought in my name, do I have to come get it or can she get it?" and the lady is like "Well Daniel has to be the one to get it." And I'm like "Yeah, so I have to be there myself, right?" "...........DANIEL has to pick up the ring." "....okay. Thanks." There is never a non-awkward moment when I have to deal with strangers.
One of the worst things is every time you try to work on your lawn mower or something, some real guy comes over to "help" and takes everything away from you because you're not strong enough or fast enough, or just simply and only because "you're a girl" so you must not know what you're doing. Even when I'm just pumping up a tire for crying out loud, something I can actually do by myself. I could just crawl in a hole. v.v
At least if you're a drag queen you're big and you can beat people up. When you're tiny and wimpy it's just horrible because you can't do anything. Everything is scary.
I did actually go to the dentist a few weeks ago for the first time since I was a little kid. The last time I was at a dentist, my 12-year molars were the last teeth in my mouth. I'd never been in after I got my wisdom teeth. I was quite proud of myself for going because that was really hard for me and they were really nice. But once you start getting "better" people start pushing you. One small good thing and all the sudden "Okay lets get disability! You'll have to keep fighting for it for 2 or 3 years and go to lots and lots of doctors and have to be in court again!" I just, I can't do that yet.
As far as accepting myself physically goes, I've resigned to the fact I won't ever be able to do it. First of all, we don't have a vehicle suitable to drive all the way to Florida, and once we get there we'll have to stay at a hotel and eat out all the time. That part is expensive, as well as all the places you'll have to stay at along the way, and I can't use the bathroom in public unless it's a unisex restroom. I'm NOT going in the girl's room (the last time I did so out of absolute emergency necessity, I got some very strange looks), and I've heard too many stories about transgenders getting beat up for going in the guy's room to ever even dare going in there. And then the actual surgery, even if you only have part of it done, is expensive. They do it in sections, so to do the whole thing you'll have to keep driving BACK to Florida again and do the whole road trip thing over again. I understand it's not logically possible. It's other people who don't understand. People think that if I don't have it done then I'm not serious about it.
I'm small-chested which is nice, if I use duct tape I can make them completely disappear (some people aren't that lucky, but it's funny how heavy people in BRAS look more manly than I do in an Ace). I don't mind the broad hips because some guys have hips like that (and they are my heroes) and it has some degree of aesthetic quality to it. I did have some nice abs for a while even if I couldn't get my biceps to do anything. My a** is all right. It's other people that I'm afraid of. v.v I have to live with this, so I have to try and find some middle ground that I can accept and try to focus on my best aspects, but other people don't. They can just find a real guy that they don't have to pretend with. They say you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else. Maybe it's true, but also sometimes, you can't love yourself until somebody else does. I'm afraid that, in edition to not being able to do the surgery, if I stop hating myself and find something about myself that I like and learn to have some self-pride and so on, that people will take that as a sign that I'm content to just be a girl. But if I sit around hating everything about myself, I end up going crazy and I can't take it. I don't know what to do.
Oh gosh I did it again. I just don't know how to say things in small ways. The problem isn't small so you can't say it small. ;^; -stays under couch-
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