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 Posted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 4:51 am
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Posted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 5:00 am
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got a good one! look! lol
Abstinence
Previous Next
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Another good one-check it out!
Careful What You Wish For
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, ''Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.''
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, ''I told you to watch out for the houses!'' Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.''
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ''Come on in.''
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ''Are you the people that broke my window?''
''Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.'' the husband replied.
''No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.''
''OK, great!'' the husband said.
''I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.''
''No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?'' the genie said, looking at the wife.
''I want a house in every country of the world,'' she said.
''Consider it done.'' said the genie.
''And what's your wish, Genie?'' the husband said. ''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.''
The husband looks at the wife and said, ''Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.''
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ''How old is your husband, anyway?''
''35'', she replied.
''And he still believes in genies. That's amazing!'''
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Posted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 1:26 pm
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FOR ALL YOU GRANDPARENTS!
Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
A 6-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Gram-pa, what is a couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Gram-ma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs".
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Posted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 1:37 pm
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:38 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:39 am
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Pink Fregia A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
lmao! very good one! =) |
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Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:43 am
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Real 911 Calls
mark as unread
emergency-call
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
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Posted: Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:48 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 29, 2013 6:04 am
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Classic Booty Call... Sight
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Forget About It
Previous Next
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
thought this was a little crude, but funny at the same time!
Dirty Meal
Previous Next
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either!* |
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Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:45 pm
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At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "******** him!"
about an hour ago. eek
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Posted: Sat Aug 03, 2013 1:52 pm
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Posted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:29 am
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Here"s a real good one! hehe rofl
The Eve of Creation
Previous Next
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her.
"Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her.
"What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires.
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" she asks.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:28 am
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“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.”
.
The priest asks, “Is that you, Joey Pagano ?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation”.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Maria Minetti?”
“I cannot say Father.”
.
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”“
.
I'll never tell.”
.
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
.
“I'm sorry, but I cannot tell you her name.”
.
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
.
“My lips are sealed.”
.
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
.
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You”re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
.
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
“What”d you get?”
.
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
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Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 7:16 am
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