Valkyrie (Open/Accepting!)

[lil_lollypop1]

Paradise451

((Ok, I know you said you're new to Role Playing, right. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to consult this:

http://www.katfeete.net/writing/marysue.html

Your character... is a paladin princess hero with a sister who's an oracle. Supposedly she killed gods, giants, and 3 dragons, has been in multiple wars, and watched a best friend die in their arms. That's not saying all of it either. I think that's... a bit much.

For role plays, it's good to have a background, but not an overdeveloped one so that there is much to be desired. More can be revealed over time and more can be done. This should be the middle of your character's journey.))  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

Berith noticed that Max had left Fiona unattended. "Interesting" he said, then teleported himself to the mage's tower. "I think I'll take this" he chuckled to himself as he warped back out, this time taking Fiona with him.  

[lil_lollypop1]

The black crystal Fiona was in started responding to Berith, and it began to slowly dissolve and return to him as his power. Finally the crystal cracked like an ice cube in water.  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

"As I suspected, the dark magic is nowhere near the level of mine" the Dark Lord said with a small laugh. He carried Fiona into a guest chamber and laid her on the bed. He then ordered the door locked and guards posted to let him know as soon as she was awake.  

[Paradise451]

lil_lollypop1

((I filled it out exactly as she is in the game, for her story. This is the result.

Wylla Somaris is only a little like you. She isn't really very cool: she blends into crowds, she hangs out on the fringes at parties, and wearing shades after dark makes her run into things. She may have sometimes thought that she was special, or destined for greater things, but probably dismissed the idea as a fantasy. She's had a rough life - to say the least! Angst? Histronics? Her speciality. And you've been sparing with the free handouts: whatever she gains, she's worked for.

You may have let yourself get a little too close to Wylla Somaris. Maybe she's you as you wish you were, or maybe you're just afraid no one will like her and are trying to give her a free ride. Have some confidence in your writing! Wylla Somaris is a good character. Give her room to be herself before you stifle her.



Score Breakdown
I Love Her, I Let Her Go 5
You Mean Plaid Is Out? 9
I'm Destined For What? 9
Valium Poster Child 23
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child 4
Total: 50

Not exactly Mary Sue if the score of 100 is Mary Sue material. There was only One War. On top of it, she wasn't the only one, there were 6 other mercenaries, all playing off one another's strengths. Also, this is what I mean by a Paladin. Stage One Stage Two If that clears things up, they're part of a Pact. Now for the RP part of this post, I'm gonna bring in another character which I'll send in the skeleton in a little bit.))


Wylla waited a minute then started forward. "Better get to the next town?" She asked, then ran down the road for a distance before stopping to catch her breath. A man came running down the road from the opposite way.

"Miss! Miss!" He yelled as he drew near. "I have a letter for you. Said it was from a friend." Wylla raised her eyebrow, she hadn't even been in this land for more a day, how did someone know she was there already. "Uh, thanks?" She took the letter and opened it.

'I just felt your presence from the town over. I knew you might've ended up here in Titania, so I'm sending this down with a Courier so I can meet up with you at the tavern.' ~A Merc without a Voice.

Wylla smiled, she knew who was waiting to greet her. Now she had someone who could vouch for her on her story.  

[lil_lollypop1]

As the crystal completely dissolved, Fiona began to writhe, coughing up malice. She became pale from the chaos that poisoned her, and she sweated feverishly.

"Is... is this the valkyrie the master's been so taken with?" One of the guards asked the other. "She... doesn't look so good. Should we go tell the master?"

"No. I'm sure he already knows."

After a few more moments, she began to huff and scream in pain as her back began to glow at her birth mark, the guards shielded their eyes as she breathed heavily, exhausted, but cured and awake. "Ugg... my- my head..." She groaned.

"T-the sun?" One of the vampires asked, feeling surprised that he was still alive.
"She's awake! Get the master!" The other guard yelled as two servants with to Berith.

"Be quiet... t-too loud..." she muttered, rubbing her head.  

[lil_lollypop1]

Paradise451

((It's not about getting all a hundred points. If any particular area is above 20, it's red, meaning she is a Mary Sue in that particular way. So yeah... you just proved my point...))  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

The Lord of Darkness returned with the servants and waited as the door was unlocked. "How is she?" he asked as he entered the room with a few servants.  

[lil_lollypop1]

"Its hard to say. She appeared to be in a considerable amount of pain, but she's awake now, and looking quite a bit better. It was strange. She was glowing and it burned." The guard told him, still rubbing his eyes. "Even now I- I can't see..." He told him.

Fiona breathed heavily, she was staring off into space as everything in her vision spun. She then grabbed her head, shaking it with a slight moan. "S-so loud... s-stop spinning... please stop..." She mumbled, still looking rather sick and shaken.  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

The Lord of Darkness quietly sent his servants and guards away and inspected Fiona himself. Seeing her suffer made him smile a little, but decided to be nice and help her...if she wanted it. "You want me to help take the pain away?" he asked.  

[lil_lollypop1]

"P-please..." She muttered before covering her mouth and coughing again. She didn't recognize his voice, but it seemed nice enough. At that point, anyone seemed better then that crazed sorcerer.  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

Berith wasn't sure how his power would affect the Lord of Light, but he placed a hand on her head and began flowing a dark energy into Fiona to numb the pain.  

[lil_lollypop1]

"W-uhh... AHH!" She screamed, feeling like her head was being ripped open. "N-no more! P-please no more!" She begged, gripping her head as her back began to light up again, trying to drive out the dark energy from her body.  

[Paradise451]

Vella sat reading her book. This author knows nothing on sailing does he? She thought, then sat the book down. Wylla should be arriving later today. I just don't get why I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head, like someone is trying to tell me something. She strode to the door, and motioned with her hand as if to open the door, but nothing happened. Vella scowled then grabbed the handle and opened it and stepped outside.

Her sight went from being blurred on the edges to a quicker paced blueish tint as she passed through into the sunlight. She felt her strength fade, Well, back to human strength. She walked down the street holding her arms behind her back and looked out in the direction she had sensed Wylla, Soon, friend. We'll see one another soon. She walked to the butcher's shop and bought a nice cut of beef. Then grabbed some vegetables from a stall, making sure to pay both with more than they asked. Might as well make my guests welcome when they arrive, knowing Wylla she'll have two people in tow when she arrives.  

[Eternal_PrinceOfFire]

"Humph. I thought this might happen. Still, it's pretty amusing" Berith chuckled to himself about Fiona's pain. He then ordered his servants to make up a concoction that would help take Fiona's pain away. It would take a little while to make up, though.