The golden joke

[-Stumblefoot-]

!!! Quick !!! Every one !!! Stand on your head !!!


370HSSV 0773H  

[babyshinobi]

k.. now u said nothing that may offend and altho this has an irish accent... this joke is in NO WAY abusive to any1 irish.... that being said I wish I had the accent to pull off this joke live hehehe....


A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." rofl  

[Azred Crimlean]

Not really a joke but funny anyways

For anyone that doesn't get it its based on the old 1980s computer text games, like Zork and whatever, where they would describe a situation to you and you would type in a response, they were actually quite fun, like reading a choose your own adventure.  

[babyshinobi]

u say mines nt a joke n post a pic? okaay rolleyes ....... well lets try this 1


***ring ring*** ***ring ring****

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom

with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,

you haven't got

an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,

right now."

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then,

this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone

down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

just a minute."

A few minutes later

the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,

jumped out of bed

with no clothes on

and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,

hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed

with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know

that you took out the water

last week to clean it.



He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead"


***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says.....



"Swimming pool?

Is this

486-5731?"

twisted  

[Nei1]

*ring* *ring*

Little Girl: Hello?

Man on phone: Hi, is your mom home?

Little Girl: She's busy.

Man on phone: I see, is your dad home then?

Little Girl: He's busy.

Man on phone: Well, is there any other adults around?

Little Girl: The police.

Man on phone: WHAT?! Quickly, put them on.

Little Girl: There busy.

Man on phone: Why is everybody so busy that they can't come to phone?

Little Girl: They are looking for somebody.

Man on phone: My word, who are they looking for?

Little Girl: They are looking for me.  

[MotherMoo]

knock, knock
who's there?
banana
banana who?
knock, knock
who's there?
banana
banana who?
knock, knock
who's there?
banana
banana who?
knock, knock
who's there?
orange
orange who?
orange you glad i didn't say banana?  

[-Stumblefoot-]

*Groan* stressed
Azred your link isnt active!
OK this one is an exception to the rules!

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he was stapeld to the chicken!  

[Nei1]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"  

[wiccan j]

A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the millennium.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, with my Mother... Where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:


I don't ******** think so.  

[Nei1]

Waiter, what is this ntler doing in my dessert?
What did you except, sir? It's chocolate mousse.

What did the toast say to the knife?
Stop trying to butter me up.  

[Lady_Phenyx]

Quick one: What did the snail say while it was riding the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeee!  

[babyshinobi]

wow....thort my jokes were getting sick *giggl*... guess its about time i added this one in the mix twisted

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new
Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and
Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....





sweatdrop


"Pre-d**k-a-mints!" rofl  

[wiccan j]

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As You Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I tried to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,

Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.  

[Nei1]

Two drunk men are walking down the street in New York when one of them disappears. The first one hails a cab after few minutes of searching. When he gets home he sees his buddy was all ready there. "Where did you go", he asks. The second man replies, "I stumbled in somebody's home and boy does he have a set of trains there."  

[wiccan j]

Little Johnny had learned a new trick....he ran into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner:

Johnny: "Mom! I learned a new trick!"

Mom: "Oh yea?"

Johnny: "Look!" and with that Johnny pulled down his trousers. He yelled "ATTENTION!" and his lil pecker stood proud. Then he yelled "AT EASE!" and his lil pecker stood down.

Mom: "Oh Johnny! Go show your father!"

Johnny ran to the living room proud of himself.

Johnny: "Wanna see my new trick dad?"

Dad: "Sure Johnny."

Johnny: "Look!" and with that Johnny pulled down his trousers. He yelled "ATTENTION!" and his lil pecker stood proud. Then he yelled "AT EASE!" and his lil pecker stood down.

Dad: "Geez Johnny! Go play outside."

Johnny went outside to play. He spotted his friend Sally and wanted to show her his new trick as well.

Johnny: "Sally, i learned a new trick, wanna see?"

Sally: "Ok Johnny!"

Johnny: "Look!" and with that Johnny pulled down his trousers. He yelled "ATTENTION!" and his lil pecker stood proud. Then he yelled "AT EASE!" and his lil pecker stood proud still. "I said AT EASE! and his lil pecker still stood proud. Johnny was confused and said: <******** IT! CHARGE!"