lisiana

[Lisiana]

So, we are back to year ender posts.It's funny that I've been doing this every year since I've found this little space in the guild called "Journal Writings." One too many times have I posted diary entries, only to have them deleted on my next visit to this special corner.Fun fact: I've only ever kept my entries here since this year, actually. The year 2012, and I've been in this guild since a year ago? Or was it two years ago? Either way, this has been a very, very special spot to me. I may have been on and off Gaia for a while now, but every time I'm on, I managed to stay in this thread and vent out everything I wanted out of my system, whether they be good or bad ones... So, now you can see why I cherish this thread.Because, if not for this, I would've been sent to a nearby mental institution, or even hanged myself for all the things I've been through this year, and it was certainly one hell of a joyride. Notable ones were my... Say, huge crush on a certain someone for a certain period of time. It was the first time I've felt like grinning over a few, friendly messages that made no sense at all. It wasn't like we were dating or anything. We just chatted. A lot. On facebook. And I got to know him a lot through that.Or maybe it wasn't a crush. Maybe it was just the attention he gave me. I mean, no one would be able to hold a lengthly chat with me... Not as long as he did. We could chat, like, for hours on end, all talking about his latest muse, interests, and generally, anything under the sun now that we were not classmates anymore. Wait, now that you think about it, I think he's the one who's doing all the talking, and I was just cyberly nodding my head, adding my own two cents when necessary.

Wow. Biiig revelation to me. I should do this more often.

But before you could call me an attention whore, let me tell you that there were times that I didn't feel that way. I felt like he was sharing with me his most guarded feelings... Or his most vunerable moments. So, as his friend, I had to be there for him, virtually.
Now, I'm just rambling. This is what I get for staying up so late in the night. That, and I really wasn't one to stay on track anyway. My mind tends to drift off somewhere in the middle of something that's supposed to be important, but now that I've blabbered off in the middle of my speech, my "important" thought turned into trash.

So, where were we again? Oh, yes. 2012 highlights.

Well, another highlight was my life as a freshman college student.
When I thought of college before, I had always, always tied it with grumpy, unreasonable teachers, hard-to-reach grades and expectations and lots, and lots of drunk people running around in an after-after party.

(Hey, don't blame me. That's what I've read.)

While the first two holds some grain of truth (I swear there's a teacher out there who wants to kill us all), the last one wasn't true at all. Though, that might just be me in my prudish, non-partying ways.

Except for maybe that one time when we had our (my first) acquaintance party, when I felt like I could disco all night. But the committee had to let me down by starting the disco hours at eleven, when I was pretty much snoring at the back of the taxi. Okay, that was a lie. I had two friends with me who didn't know how to get home from the party, so they asked us to drop them at school, where they're more familiar.

Oh, and another highlight was that I actually felt... More welcomed, I suppose is the most appropriate term, by my highschook classmates whenever we'd meet up at our old school or at the mall to watch some movies. It's like we're seeing each other in a new light (well, more of me seeing them in a new light), and I'm slowly being accepted into the group. It gives me joy and this warm, fluttery feeling inside. Even though the slight uneasiness was there (probably due to the fact that we all rarely kept in contact with one another), it felt... Like that.

Those were the happy times. There were sad times as well, but they aren't wirth talking about on a lovely evening like this.

And, so, before I come to a close, I just wanted to thank the Lord for everything that has happened thus far in my life. For my family, who had been there all the way. For my friends, who I share laughter and tears with. For my enemies, who made me stronger. And for this guild, this tiny little space in the web, where I can share anything and everything I wanted to share; all the bottled up emotions I couldn't speak out loud in real life, all the ramblings in my mind, it's all in here and here is where I am kept sane.

It was a fun 2012 with all of these. =)

Happy 2013!  

[Lisiana]

I know that I've been pessimistic in my posts lately, but I can't help it.

Now, I feel like I've done something so wrong, I have a death sentence against me.

You see, me and my old friends were supposed to have this lunch meeting. A moment like this is rare to me, simply because I haven't gone out with them often during high school, and because I've moved to another city to study college.

So, my best friend couldn't come because she woke up too late. She called me and all, and I felt guilty about not being able to convince her further. Because she's been dying for some girl time as well.

AGGH. GAH.  

[Lisiana]

Ughhhh, I feel so stupid and horrible today.

We didn't have class in our first period since our teacher herded us into going to this conference at school.

I reserved a seat for my friend, who came in a bit too late. So, while she was still out, a classmate of mine asked if the reserved seat was free, and I told him it wasn't because a friend of ours is coming. A little while later, he came back, sat down, and asked me if I could stay there for a while. Having no other choice, I nodded to him hoping that he remembered my warning earlier.

And then my friend came in, and I was panicking. Where would she sit? I asked, and then told my classmate that my friend's here. He stood up and sat down on a free seat right in front of us, and my friend sat next to me.

It was after the conference that I realized how that scenario must have looked like. And I started to think about how horrible I was to him. He must have thought I was stupid now.

Flash forward to five in the afternoon.

I remembered that I had to practice a dance for PE with my groupmatesthis afternoon when I had arrived at the dorm. So, I went back to school, asked one of my groupmates if the practice was still up, and she told me no.

I was relieved for one second because that meant I didn't skip anything, but then I remembered I was so adamnant about having to practice the dance. Now I feel completely horrible because I think there was supposedly one, but because of my irresponsibility and lack of communication, she decided that there would be none.

Ugh. I am horrible. gonk  

[Lisiana]

I wonder, why do I always end up here?

Maybe it's because this is where I could freely express my thoughts. After all, I've only ever used this space for letting out I feel. When I simply couldn't handle my stress, I let it all out here. And, even if this is sort of a public post, I feel as if I could just talk endlessly about my problems without the fear of irritating someone unintentionally.

I guess I should thank the mastermind behind this subforum. It's really helped me a lot.

And I apologize for I am about to ruin that moment, but I have something to let go right now.

I think it all began when a teacher of mine spotted my good marks in class.

It was the second semester of my college life, half a year to go until I am officially a second year student. It was a rather typical day... until my marketing teacher announced to the whole class about my test score.

In my point of view, that was when my whole class began to look at me like I've grown four heads. I could practically hear them thinking, "Whoa, she got that high of a score? She must be a genius!"

Days flew by, and things got a little more... Extreme? I guess, is the term. We had finished our pre-midterm exams for accounting class the other week, and we were all at the edge of our seats, waiting for the teacher to give us our test results. I was sighing in relief. "I passed the exam!" was what I thought, before the teacher announced that the highest score was 96.

I looked back at the test paper, and I was stunned. Really? Me? I got the highest score? But that was impossible! There were lots of other people who were definitely smarter than me... Why...?

Then everyone began asking anyone what their score was. When a classmate of mine asked me what mine was, I answered truthfully. Whispers exploded across the room. "She got 96. She's the highest!"

As the room began to hush down, the whole class stared at me as if I've grown a fifth head.

It didn't stop there. By the end of midterms, our department released the list of dean's listers (honor rolls, whichever you prefer). At the time, I had to go and practice a PE dance presentation with my groupmates, so I didn't know about it. Imagine my surprise when a classmate I don't often interact with came to me, shook my hand and congratulated me.

"For what?" I asked him.

"For being top one, of course," he smiled in an amused way. When I sent him a disbelieving look, he said, "It's true! Go to the BA Department, and you'll see."

I didn't have time for that, so I thanked him instead and went on practicing the presentation with my groupmates.

When it was five minutes before our next class, we decided to check out the buzz at the BA Department. Before I even got a glimse at the list myself, everybody was already surrounding me and congratulating me. When I finally looked at the list myself, I was filled with joy, at the same time embarassed? I think. Because these guys from my previous class started calling me, "Genius!" quite loudly, and it was certainly uncomfortable receiving stares from everyone.

Before you misunderstand, I am very grateful and happy that I was able to achieve that. It was good news indeed, it made my parents proud, and it gave me a chance at a full scholarship at school. I am also thankful that I was given this special ability by God.

What I didn't like about it was the fact that everyone started to act around me differently, except for my close circle of friends. It's as if they're so distant from me because they thought I was... Different from them. In a sense, yes, I am different... But I'm still human, aren't I?

The stares died down as everyone grew "accustomed" to me getting high scores. But the responsibilities built up. I was assigned by the teachers to check the attendance of every event the teachers found important enough to make us attend. I was chosen as class representative, even though I didn't have a single clue as to how things could be done (been a class auditor for most of my high school days, which was practically an empty position since the class treasurer ended up counting the money himself anyway, which wasn't a lot).

Perhaps the heaviest responsibility of all was in our NSTP class.

Our NSTP teacher comes in late, and leaves us alone after ten minutes of being present. He never comes back, and never explains where he went and why he went. It got on my nerves a couple of times since my classmates end up asking me questions only our teacher has answers to.

He left me a huge task in assigning roles for our school fire drill, because he was absent during a meeting. I remember fretting over the smallest of details.

I was nervous about the whole thing. I was afraid that I'd screw up. Afraid of what my classmates thought of me. Afraid that if we screwed up the fire drill, I'd take the blame because I didn't do well.

I end up crying myself to sleep, imagining all of the things that could go wrong with the operation. I started resenting my NSTP teacher for leaving us behind, for leaving me with no guidance at all. I got stressed, I ate less, I couldn't sleep properly. I couldn't even focus on my other subjects, and they were much more important than my NSTP class. But, I can't help it.

I don't know. I'm scared of interacting in large crowds, especially when I'm not prepared for it. But everybody seems to think otherwise.

I don't know if I've overreacted, even now I still think of it as a horrid memory of me failing as a leader, even if everything worked out in the end.

Once in a while, this horrid memory would haunt me. When it does, I could feel my chest tighten, and my breath quicken. I would shake all over, trying to find something to hang on to, even if I knew there wouldn't be any of it. It fades, eventually.

The bad thing is, I think it's gotten worse. Now, the horrid memory isn't the only one that makes me feel extrememly weird. Everything related to my school makes me feel that way. I'm afriad of my school now... I feel it waiting on the opportunity to pounce on me and torture me, and take away my soul.  

[Lisiana]

I had a weird dream last night. What's even more weird was that it was so vivid.

I was at a hospital. I saw a father carrying his child in one arm, while carrying a tube in the other. I couldn't hear anything, but I saw him chuckle and say a joke as he handed the tube to his wife.

She was pretty. Straight, platinum blonde hair and big blue eyes were her most prominent features. Though, she looked too pale to be considered healthy. She was wearing a pale green hospital gown. Attached to her arm was an IV bag, and a series of tubes.

She accepted the tube with a witty retort and placed it on her mouth. At the back of my mind, I was somehow able to explain what she was doing. While blood was oozing out of her system, the tubes would go right back to her body via the tube on her mouth.

My vision changed, and it was as if I was the woman. Drips of blood slithered down the tube, though there was a mix of oil in them. I inhaled the blood to make hasten their journey to my mouth. I tasted the blood. It tasted sweet.

Then I woke up. My throat was aching.  

[Lisiana]

I'm having a hard time sleeping lately.

On school days, I'd sleep at ten and wake up at seven--a full, straight eight hours of wonderful sleep. No dreams, and no interuptions. Just me, my pillow, my blanket and my bed dancing to the sound of sleep.

When summer break finally came upon me, I started sleeping at eleven or twelve in the evening, but I still manage to wake up at six or seven in the morning... But I would usually end up sleeping for another hour because I didn't want to get up yet.

Now that I and my family would go on a vacation abroad, I most likely slept at eleven (or twelve? I don't know) last night, and woke up at two thirty this morning and I haven't slept since. Weird. I don't even feel that excited.

Just in case you want to know, it's five fourteen according to my watch.

I tried everything I can to go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom to do my business, got myself a hot glass of milk, and ate two packs of mini Oreo's. All of these would usually do the trick individually, but it didn't.

So I ended up fantasizing about my ideal partner in life, and what we'd do when we're having our dates, when he'd proposed, how many kids we're having and that sort of stuff. (Stupid, I know.) It was actually a replay of what I've thought of for the past few years. Usually, they'd become one of those times when a child ends up sleeping in the middle of a bedtime story, but it just didn't knock me out the way it used to.

So I grabbed my phone and began searching the web, and then found myself here.

I'm starting to get worried, you know. I hope that my sleeping patterns would return to normal someday... I don't want it to affect my health in a dangerous way.  

[Lisiana]

I am upset right now.

First, I got scolded by my mom because I'm wearing my ratty old shorts that's in desperate need of repair. Yes, I understand completely that it needs to be repaired, but when were you going to tell me you were going to have it repaired? Huh? You do know that if you were serious about having it repaired, you could have just taken it out of my closet, shoved it to the seamstress and be done with it.

Second, my sister tells me that I have to go to take an ID photo today. I haven't been told about this by my dad or anyone for that matter. I thought that they were still going through the process of filing for that stupid ID... that it'd take weeks for it to be processed. Now, when my father checked up on me to see if I'm ready, he's like, "I'm coming back for you later." What? What for? WHY IS EVERYONE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME.

I know I sound bratty at the moment. They're just looking out for me, and stuff like that. It's for my own good. But, GAH, really? No one bothered to tell me about all of these things.

It frustrates me to no end that they won't tell me anything that involves me, like they just expect me to go with the flow and all that jazz. Like I'm just some bratty kid who doesn't need to know what will happen.

a/daw0wfiaeererefr'aewk'fpaocj;efoj.

Another thing is that they don't understand the sanctuary that I'm in whenever I'm inside the household. When you go to college, day in and day out you'll be living, breathing college life that you start to forget what it feels like to relax and rebuff. When I'm back here, I feel I could let go of all of that tension, which is something I like to feel.  

[Lisiana]

It's that time of the year again--the time for enrollment.

I don't know if I've talked about this before, but I feel like it's coming again: the anxiety I feel whenever I so much as think about my school. I can't help it. It gets hard to breath, my throat clenches and I feel like my heart starts pounding erratically.

I know, it's insane. But I just can't help it.

Perhaps I should think about a reason why I'm so nervous. Maybe it's because there's a probability of the school offering only two blocks for my course, and the probability of having a bad schedule. Above all else, I really want a good schedule... a schedule that doesn't have to make me wake up too early in the morning and go home too late in the night. Somewhere in between.

But then my heart remembers that I have friends, and they're more important than some stupid schedule. Sure, I'd have a great schedule, but without great friends, I'd get a crappy class full of people who'd never get their hands dirty and I have to do all the work. It would suck without my friends.

Which is probably why I'm conflicted right now. I need to have a good schedule, at the same time good company. Choosing one over the other is difficult... but they often say that the right thing to do is more often than not the hardest thing to do, which is why I should choose good company over good schedule.

If I've already made up my mind, why do I feel so conflicted?

This is driving me crazy.

EDIT: Just a sidenote.

My other account's been hacked, I guess. I got an email from the staff saying that my account's been "compromised," so they had to ban it for now. I've already sent a hacking report, but so far they haven't responded.

Maybe they're still working on the countless other reports in the site. After all, my case isn't the only one present, right? I just hope they'd find out what had happened to my other account.

I didn't do anything bad, really. I rarely use that account on site as I am often logged in as Lisiana. That account is for the gold I'm saving.

And it's not like I've advertised all the gold I've gathered there. That avi dressed in newbie clothes, so it definitely blew my mind that the hacker thought my other account was worth, you know, hacking.  

[Lisiana]

Perhaps this is karma, for all the things I've done in life...

... especially the times when I've rubbed my perfectly perfect schedule in front of my friend's face because it was so perfect, I wanted to show it to the world, somewhat hurting her in the process because her schedule's crap.

I'm at the brink of insanity. I haven't slept a wink last night... I spent my time wondering, what should I do? Should I go for Block A, where the schedule is perfect, save for one itty bitty missing AC 18B which is probably the most important subject of all time? Or should I go for Block B, where the schedule's crappy as crap but everything's complete and almost every single one of my old classmates are there?

What should I do? I have to hurry in my decision. Only five spots left of Block B... maybe one of them is for me?

My friends have not logged in yet, so I can't tell where they're going to go. They've promised to be online at six, and at six I did go, but they were not there. So I waited and waited and waited and waited.

It's 7 in the morning, and they're still not on.

Should I drop them a message? Maybe they're sleeping. It's seven in the fricking morning after all.

I'm scared. Scared that I can't do anything at all. Scared that no one's ever going to help me. Scared that I have to do it all alone, in that perfect little world.

But that's so, so lonely. So far there's only one of me against 35 of them... and there are 40 slots max.

Should I go A or B?

That question haunts me to this hour. If I go for A, what if I can't ever enroll in AC 18B? I'd have to wait a whole semester before I could get the opportunity again. If I go for B, what if I can't handle it? We are dismissed at seven thirty, and approximately I'd arrive home at eight or nine, maybe even more. And I'm scared at that time because it is dark. Plus lunch time's messed up.

A or B. B or A.

ABBA.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Why did they have to forget about AC 18B?

I told a whole facebook group of officers about it. They still haven't responded. Bunch of unresponsive dolts, they are. But maybe they're busy with everything else. Always, always busy. Never time for me.

I'm on the brink, and I'm afraid I can't come back...

Now there's four spots. Should I?  

[Lisiana]

Tomorrow's the first day of class, though I doubt we will some learning right away. It's nice to catch up on old friends, however... So maybe an empty classroom isn't so bad, especially at 7:30 in the morning. I can't wait for one of those days wherein, at 8am, they inform the whole school that there would be no classes for the rest of the day, while the rest of the people who have 7:30 classes like me are awkwardly standing there thinking what we should do in a deserted place like school.  

[Lisiana]

I'm scared. Like, really scared.

I accidentally misspelled an openly gay teacher's name, and he went berserk, threatening to end me Wrath of the Titans style. I apologized immediately after, hoping to put an end to our little episode.

But, apparently, it didn't end there.

An acquaintance of mine recently told me that he showed my message to every single one of his students, except for the ones in the same class as me, thereby secretly humiliating me. He (the teacher) didn't even bother placing a sensor. He openly showed it to everyone in his class that this is the stupid student who misspelled his oh-so-perfect name, and she will suffer the consequences of such a horrendous act.

I do not doubt his intelligence. Having a homogeneous sexual orientation would, for me, mean that you have a big brain.

I just doubt his professionalism, with the way he responded with my mistake.

It was a mistake. A mistake. Can't he see that?

He makes mistakes as well. He's human. I'm human. I make mistakes too.  

[Lisiana]

I confess. I had been feeling a bit suicidal in the last few years, but no one has ever noticed it because I tend to keep it to myself.

It was a thought I'd usually have when I am alone in my bedroom.

But, now, I'm reaching out. I don't want the dark thoughts of suicide to plague and stop me from achieving my true potential.

Which is probably the reason why I shared it in class yesterday, other than it being homework. After sharing, my teacher, who was teaching religious education, told me many things in a gentle albiet humorous manner, and advised me to go into confession, or at least share it with my family.

And shared with my family I did. And I feel lighter somehow.

I'm learning on how to deal with my insecurities, which, I believe, are the source of my suicidal thoughts. It's hard because no matter how much I try to convince myself I'm a good person, I can't possibly see myself in that light because I don't see myself. But I'm trying. I'm trying to let go and let God in.

And then I see why my parents wouldn't let me live alone. They must've sensed that something was psychologically, or emotionally, wrong with me that it felt dangerous for them to leave me alone.

Because, back home, I'd usually sit by myself in my bedroom, where the thoughts usually come.

I now see. I can see the love that has been showered upon me.

Now I want to fight the thoughts away. I want to stop them, before they stop me.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Lisiana

emotion_hug I'm so glad you've been able to open up to your family.  

[Lisiana]

I had a weird dream last night. Even weirder, it's almost the same as a dream I had some nights ago.

They both had the same theme. A mysterious old woman would warn me about three people in black, tattered clothing. They'd present me with items, and I had to pick the best one out of the items. If I didn't, I'd die. If I did, someone else dies.

Three times, a person in a black, tattered hood come up to me and let me choose which item was the best. And each time, I'd choose the best one. After that, they disappear and the next thing I know, someone dies.

I wonder if it meant that I should be a bit more braver and more selfless. In the dream, I chose not to die by letting someone else die.

Or maybe it has a deeper psychological meaning to it? Something darker. Mysterious.

Or maybe I'm overthinking.

But, still, I shudder at the thought that this has been happening two times now.  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Lisiana

I had a weird dream last night. Even weirder, it's almost the same as a dream I had some nights ago.

They both had the same theme. A mysterious old woman would warn me about three people in black, tattered clothing. They'd present me with items, and I had to pick the best one out of the items. If I didn't, I'd die. If I did, someone else dies.

Three times, a person in a black, tattered hood come up to me and let me choose which item was the best. And each time, I'd choose the best one. After that, they disappear and the next thing I know, someone dies.

I wonder if it meant that I should be a bit more braver and more selfless. In the dream, I chose not to die by letting someone else die.

Or maybe it has a deeper psychological meaning to it? Something darker. Mysterious.

Or maybe I'm overthinking.

But, still, I shudder at the thought that this has been happening two times now.

Well, unless something really awful has happened - or there's a serious depression affecting them - most people don't want to die, even to save someone else.

Maybe it's just a premonitory dream?