I lied to my bf, and now its eating me alive.Advice?

[Liisukas]

Pseudoyoyomi

Yeah her boyfriend was a psycho...and he was the only one who did not know it. xd It's good that it does not seem your boyfriend wants to hurt you physically but emotionally he is kinda already hurting you. By keeping you isolated and making you feel bad for going out and enjoying yourself without him.

I think that it is quite possible that he has abandonment issues. Because his dad left he fears that in time you too will end up leaving him. And he only feels that way because his own father did that to him. It's a pretty hurtful blow that never goes away when a parent just decides to leave especially when the child is young.I don't think a fear like that ever goes away. sweatdrop I am not a sociologist or a psychologist but with everything you told me this is my best guess.

If my boyfriend had not quit then I would have had to broken up with him. Because his continuing to do what made me feel uncomfortable would mean that he did not care about me or my feelings. Actions speak louder than words and no matter how much he said I love you his actions would say otherwise.

Lol, xD..
Well, yeah, he kinda is hurting me emotionally, but nothing I can't handle at the moment wink

At first I didn't even think about the fact that his dad left him, but now, when I'm giving some serious thought to it, it really might be the reason for his issues O.o .. Sounds logical.

That would have been the right thing to do, if he had continued to do that!

Oh my, I guess I'm not going to sleep today, its already past 6am xD  

[omfg harry styles]

Liisukas

iiJava

Oh my.
I've only dated a guy who was extremely jealous once- one week later I couldn't take it.
Hun, it seems like you've made a big sacrifice staying with him.
Do you really like him that much? Do you think he could be the one?
Think of it this way- if he doesn't turn out to be the one, you may be out of touch with most of your friends by then, noting how jealous he gets.
However, if he is the one, that's a totally different story.

Is their a reason for his jealousy? Did he have some kind of traumatic experience when he was younger? Possibly he has separation issues?
It's very likely something affected him and made him that way at a younger age.
Of course, it could just be his natural character.

I personally would tell him if it's eating you that bad.
Better to get it off your chest, and it's better he doesn't find out later and go ballistic.
Honestly, if he's not able to trust you with another guy, I would drop it. (That's just my opinion though)

I really do like him that much, in every other way we click perfectly.

I'm not sure , but it might be due to the fact that his father left him and her mother when he was pretty young , not sure though, O.o

Well, yeah, its eating me, but the last 24 hours it hasn't eaten me this much. Getting it out in the open has helped I guess. And that's what I'm afraid of,that he'll find out and go ballistic :/

I can't just drop it, I do love him, heart

Oh I see.
In that case, you could try couples counseling?
It's a good way to see both sides and see what he's feeling and possibly where it's coming from.

 

[Liisukas]

iiJava

Oh I see.
In that case, you could try couples counseling?
It's a good way to see both sides and see what he's feeling and possibly where it's coming from.

I don't think that's an option, that would take a lot of money and there's also the distance problem,so I guess I just have to confront him one day. wink  

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

Liisukas

Kaiyle Brightblade

You have the right to go and catch up with an old guy friend. You deserve a boyfriend who trusts you enough to let you do that. You are spot on in thinking he shouldn't make you feel bad when you go out with friends. You lied because you wanted to protect him and to avoid drama, and I know that might feel like the right thing to do at the time, but it's not. You know that deep down, and that's why it's eating at you.

I think you should tell your boyfriend the truth, even if it causes a lot of drama. You DID lie, and you have to face the consequences before you can start to feel better about it. Tell him that you lied because you thought he would try to control your behavior if you had told him who you were really going with, but don't act like that excuses your behavior. It does not.

If he wants to break up with you after he learns the truth, that's just more proof that this guy is all wrong for you. No one should be controlling who you are friends with. You should never feel like you have to lie to your boyfriend. You should be with someone who trusts you and isn't too insecure to even let you see your own grandmother.

When I tell him that he should trust me, he says that he trusts me , but he doesn't trust the others.
And I know it was wrong, that's why I'm going through all this, but its not like I can find a good time to tell him as well, but I guess there really is no good time for that :/. But yeah, I kinda need to prepare him for that before I go and spill the beans. Right now its not a very good time. But I am planning to tell him at some point.

I don't think we'd break up. He'd just be really really hurt.
Well that is true, he doesn't have the right to control who my friends are, thankfully he's not like ''I order you not to be friends with him/her'', but thanks to his jealousy I haven't got together with my friends that often anymore.

My first boyfriend was emotionally abusive to me, but I didn't see the signs because I didn't understand what a healthy relationship should feel like. In particular he isolated me from my friends so that I became dependent on him and wouldn't leave. I really wish I had taken the time to look at something like this: http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/59847/relationship/3
I don't know what your situation is, though I see #1 and #9 from what you have told me. I'm hoping that I'm dead wrong and it's something else entirely that you guys will take steps to work through together. But just in case, think about it.

And didn't you say you had to stop being friends with a girl because he had an issue with her? And it seems like a big intrusion on your boundaries when he stops you from getting together with friends when you aren't even spending that extra time with him.
Feel free to pm me if this is too personal for the thread.  

[Pseudoyoyomi]

Liisukas

Lol, xD..
Well, yeah, he kinda is hurting me emotionally, but nothing I can't handle at the moment wink

At first I didn't even think about the fact that his dad left him, but now, when I'm giving some serious thought to it, it really might be the reason for his issues O.o .. Sounds logical.

That would have been the right thing to do, if he had continued to do that!

Oh my, I guess I'm not going to sleep today, its already past 6am xD

As long as you don't feel the pressure of having to deal with your bf then I would say nothing is wrong. But when you reach your breaking point he should look out. blaugh

And yes it only takes a little incident in the past to change someones perception.As his girlfriend it is now your job to show him that he can trust you and that you are not leaving him anytime soon.

And sleep you need to. Where I am it is only 11:20 pm. ^^ I took a nap earlier and it was divine. 4laugh  

[Liisukas]

Kaiyle Brightblade

My first boyfriend was emotionally abusive to me, but I didn't see the signs because I didn't understand what a healthy relationship should feel like. In particular he isolated me from my friends so that I became dependent on him and wouldn't leave. I really wish I had taken the time to look at something like this: http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/59847/relationship/3
I don't know what your situation is, though I see #1 and #9 from what you have told me. I'm hoping that I'm dead wrong and it's something else entirely that you guys will take steps to work through together. But just in case, think about it.

And didn't you say you had to stop being friends with a girl because he had an issue with her? And it seems like a big intrusion on your boundaries when he stops you from getting together with friends when you aren't even spending that extra time with him.
Feel free to pm me if this is too personal for the thread.

Oh, no no, its not as bad as you think sweatdrop
He doesn't threaten me with anything, doesn't order me to do or not to do stuff. How can I put this, he just has major trust issues I guess and abandonment issues, but I think we're gonna be able to work it out :3 Step by step, one day I already told him that when I go to college, he can't get upset when I go out with my friends, he was like '' I know, but..but still, I'm afraid what if something happens'' ...
But thank you for the link, when things should get a lot worse, I'll know how to get help wink (though I really hope, that when we have a nice long talk about all that, he'l understand me a bit better and where I'm coming from wink )  

[Liisukas]

Pseudoyoyomi

As long as you don't feel the pressure of having to deal with your bf then I would say nothing is wrong. But when you reach your breaking point he should look out. blaugh

And yes it only takes a little incident in the past to change someones perception.As his girlfriend it is now your job to show him that he can trust you and that you are not leaving him anytime soon.

And sleep you need to. Where I am it is only 11:20 pm. ^^ I took a nap earlier and it was divine. 4laugh

I'll get help when I need to:3 no worries :3

I'm trying as hard as I can, but it is kinda hard since we live so far apart and sometimes I do have my own personal problems and can't deal with him. Uhh, men are like children, seriously, they act like children and need care like children xD
There is one thing he is really happy about, I started cooking because of him, before , I couldn't even make pancakes, but now I can make a delicious lasagne 4laugh , though, pancakes are still a working process XD

I know, but since I want to doze off early in the evening(my sleeping pattern is a bit messed up thanks to Christmas holiday ) its better not to go to sleep anymore, because, there's no way I can get up before 3pm or so.. XD  

[Pseudoyoyomi]

Liisukas

I'll get help when I need to:3 no worries :3

I'm trying as hard as I can, but it is kinda hard since we live so far apart and sometimes I do have my own personal problems and can't deal with him. Uhh, men are like children, seriously, they act like children and need care like children xD
There is one thing he is really happy about, I started cooking because of him, before , I couldn't even make pancakes, but now I can make a delicious lasagne 4laugh , though, pancakes are still a working process XD

I know, but since I want to doze off early in the evening(my sleeping pattern is a bit messed up thanks to Christmas holiday ) its better not to go to sleep anymore, because, there's no way I can get up before 3pm or so.. XD

Yeah men are like children.They need all this extra attention and you have to feed them and water them and love them.And they think women are high maintenance. They have no idea what they put us through. rofl

I still have not learned to cook as well as I would like to. sweatdrop I did make some lovely french toast and bacon one morning my bf was at my house...we ate it..and we actually lived and we did not have food poisoning. I would say that was a win. mrgreen

And the holidays always mess up my sleep patterns. Tomorrow I might sleep till maybe noon and it does not matter how early I may go to bed.But if I get up early I can walk down to the store and get the cereal I have been craving. pirate  

[Liisukas]

Pseudoyoyomi

Yeah men are like children.They need all this extra attention and you have to feed them and water them and love them.And they think women are high maintenance. They have no idea what they put us through. rofl

I still have not learned to cook as well as I would like to. sweatdrop I did make some lovely french toast and bacon one morning my bf was at my house...we ate it..and we actually lived and we did not have food poisoning. I would say that was a win. mrgreen

And the holidays always mess up my sleep patterns. Tomorrow I might sleep till maybe noon and it does not matter how early I may go to bed.But if I get up early I can walk down to the store and get the cereal I have been craving. pirate

Exactly!! XD

Well, same here, I can only make 3 things: lasagne which is actually pretty good, muffins hard as rock xD and some pretty good pasta heart oohhh, and crumbled eggs XD
Haha, that's good, ;D

I like to sleep long as well heart ..nothing better than a warm bed and nice dreams heart
Uhh, all this food talk is making me hungry :burn:  

[Pseudoyoyomi]

Liisukas

Exactly!! XD

Well, same here, I can only make 3 things: lasagne which is actually pretty good, muffins hard as rock xD and some pretty good pasta heart oohhh, and crumbled eggs XD
Haha, that's good, ;D

I like to sleep long as well heart ..nothing better than a warm bed and nice dreams heart
Uhh, all this food talk is making me hungry :burn:

Sometimes I think my bf will not let me have a puppy or a guinea pig because he thinks that my pet will steal attention from him. stare

You can make more things than me. lol I make muffins from mix, pancakes...also from mix. pasta...the only pasta I make is called top ramen. add boiling water. rofl I did make some pepper steak and rice one night for dinner...but it lacked flavor. I can't eat salt so I did not add any and it needed it for the other people who were eating. xp

Yeah at least I am not alone in my love for a warm bed. I like my covers warm and my pillow cold.To me that is the right balance for my best dreams.The only thing that would make that better is if my bf were always here to cuddle me until I fall asleep. crying  

[Liisukas]

Pseudoyoyomi

Sometimes I think my bf will not let me have a puppy or a guinea pig because he thinks that my pet will steal attention from him. stare

You can make more things than me. lol I make muffins from mix, pancakes...also from mix. pasta...the only pasta I make is called top ramen. add boiling water. rofl I did make some pepper steak and rice one night for dinner...but it lacked flavor. I can't eat salt so I did not add any and it needed it for the other people who were eating. xp

Yeah at least I am not alone in my love for a warm bed. I like my covers warm and my pillow cold.To me that is the right balance for my best dreams.The only thing that would make that better is if my bf were always here to cuddle me until I fall asleep. crying

Haha, lol, XD...seriously?! XD I don't have any pets at the moment...all dead crying ... my 2 year old kitty got hit by a car a year ago ..

Hahaha, I don't use mix, I do everything myself , XD Lol, adding some salt would have been thoughtful xD

That's like the only way, who could fall asleep on a warm pillow?! O.o ..
And I know the feeling... crying ... though, at nights I sleep better when he's not next to me, because every time he moves too much I wake up and every time I wake up I feel the need to use the bathroom stare  

[Pseudoyoyomi]

Liisukas

Haha, lol, XD...seriously?! XD I don't have any pets at the moment...all dead crying ... my 2 year old kitty got hit by a car a year ago ..

Hahaha, I don't use mix, I do everything myself , XD Lol, adding some salt would have been thoughtful xD

That's like the only way, who could fall asleep on a warm pillow?! O.o ..
And I know the feeling... crying ... though, at nights I sleep better when he's not next to me, because every time he moves too much I wake up and every time I wake up I feel the need to use the bathroom stare

Aww that's sad. And yes I really do believe that. I asked him when we got married could I have a puppy and he said no...I asked why and he said you don't need one...and that is not a valid answer.So I asked for a guinea pig and he said no again.He does not know it yet but I am getting a pet even if he does not like it. whee

I watch food network in hopes that something will rub off. I did manage to bake cookies but I was under the watchful eye of my grandmother who has been baking these cookies for years. rofl They came out okay I would say...nothing burnt and they tasty. 3nodding

You are right some nights it is better to sleep without him. He steals all the covers from me.But I kick him in my sleep so I guess we are about even in the punishment we deal out during sleep. sweatdrop It's just sometimes I feel safer when he is there.It feels good waking up next to someone....that way you have someone you can breathe morning breath at. rofl  

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

Liisukas

Kaiyle Brightblade

My first boyfriend was emotionally abusive to me, but I didn't see the signs because I didn't understand what a healthy relationship should feel like. In particular he isolated me from my friends so that I became dependent on him and wouldn't leave. I really wish I had taken the time to look at something like this: http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/59847/relationship/3
I don't know what your situation is, though I see #1 and #9 from what you have told me. I'm hoping that I'm dead wrong and it's something else entirely that you guys will take steps to work through together. But just in case, think about it.

And didn't you say you had to stop being friends with a girl because he had an issue with her? And it seems like a big intrusion on your boundaries when he stops you from getting together with friends when you aren't even spending that extra time with him.
Feel free to pm me if this is too personal for the thread.

Oh, no no, its not as bad as you think sweatdrop
He doesn't threaten me with anything, doesn't order me to do or not to do stuff. How can I put this, he just has major trust issues I guess and abandonment issues, but I think we're gonna be able to work it out :3 Step by step, one day I already told him that when I go to college, he can't get upset when I go out with my friends, he was like '' I know, but..but still, I'm afraid what if something happens'' ...
But thank you for the link, when things should get a lot worse, I'll know how to get help wink (though I really hope, that when we have a nice long talk about all that, he'l understand me a bit better and where I'm coming from wink )

I'm really glad to hear that it's not that bad. Sorry If I jumped to conclusions, I just got worried for you.

Does he know his jealousy is getting out of hand? It sounds like he might need professional help dealing with abandonment issues from a young age.  

[Liisukas]

Pseudoyoyomi

Aww that's sad. And yes I really do believe that. I asked him when we got married could I have a puppy and he said no...I asked why and he said you don't need one...and that is not a valid answer.So I asked for a guinea pig and he said no again.He does not know it yet but I am getting a pet even if he does not like it. whee

I watch food network in hopes that something will rub off. I did manage to bake cookies but I was under the watchful eye of my grandmother who has been baking these cookies for years. rofl They came out okay I would say...nothing burnt and they tasty. 3nodding

You are right some nights it is better to sleep without him. He steals all the covers from me.But I kick him in my sleep so I guess we are about even in the punishment we deal out during sleep. sweatdrop It's just sometimes I feel safer when he is there.It feels good waking up next to someone....that way you have someone you can breathe morning breath at. rofl

Good for you! ;D I'd do the same if I were you! xp
Sidenote: I've had 2 guinea pigs ;D

Lol, thats good, ;D ...and I almost never have a watchful eye beside me...so ..yeah... learning on my own xD I guess nobody wants to be with me in the kitchen, who could blame them, I'm like an elephant in a porcelain shop sweatdrop

Lol, I'm usually the one stealing all the covers and he's all night in the cold because he doesn't want to wake me xD
And I know what you mean, its great especially when you've had a bad day. Its also nice to wake up next to someone when you have an awful nightmare. :burn:
Yuck, I hate morning breath xD  

[Liisukas]

Kaiyle Brightblade

I'm really glad to hear that it's not that bad. Sorry If I jumped to conclusions, I just got worried for you.

Does he know his jealousy is getting out of hand? It sounds like he might need professional help dealing with abandonment issues from a young age.

Its okay, I would have gotten worried as well wink

Well, I have told him a couple of times, but I haven't really confronted him on that subject sweatdrop
Maybe so, but I don't think he's gonna do anything about it,