A Regurgitation of My Consciousness

[Saint Sims]

Thank you.

It's as simple as that, thank you.

I truly appreciate your generosity and thoughtfulness.

You know who you are.

 

[Saint Sims]

Astral Ocean.

I'm a big ol' anime nerd and I just finished Eureka Seven AO. I won't spoil the ending but I just needed to vent for a hot second.

SO MANY FEELS!!!! I can't make sense of any of them.

There were so many instances in the last EP that made me want to cry, got me to that point of tears but then everything retracted and I was like "the ******** might go back and re-watch the original Eureka Seven and cry my eyes like per-usual.

So many feels....

 

[Saint Sims]

Second at best.

I met this amazing guy. He's kind, funny, weird (much like myself), and handsome. He has a sense of direction and knows exactly where he's going in life.

We started talking a while ago and more recently we've been talking more and more. Suddenly he indirectly introduces me to his boyfriend, not actually outright saying it's his boyfriend but making it rather clear that it was.

And today he made it much clearer without again out right saying it was his boyfriend.

I guess I'm just annoyed that he won't just up and say it to me. Not that he owes me that but I wouldn't be talking to him so much if I knew there wasn't much of a point.

I still want to be friends with him but now I'm unsure how to go about it.

Mehh, once again I'm second...at best.

 

[Saint Sims]

Obnoxious much?

I'm currently residing illegitimately with a girl in my dorm, one of my friends, down the hall from my actual room because my real roommates a flaming t**t.

I've been so ******** annoyed by her lately though.

She has an insatiable habit for stomping around when she walks, slamming drawers shut, slamming things down on the floor and her desk, and is rather inconsiderate of my existence of which she invited me into her room.

Some nights she'll call this ex boyfriend of hers and stay on the phone from 12 am until 4 am and then b***h all day that she's tired.

She constantly asks me to put headphones or turn off a light when she herself doesn't do much in consideration of me.

Oh and I tend to snore when I sleep on my back, albeit it often happens that I flip over onto my back while I'm sleeping. Whenever I start to snore she yells at me to wake me up and insist I flip over onto my stomach even though I'm quite content and comfortable where I am. Like, honestly? Could you be anymore rude?

I don't know.

I'm seriously thinking about moving out of this dorm altogether. This whole living situation, having to pick the lesser of two evils, is rather bothersome

I wish my roommate would leave to be honest. He says he hates the dorm, hates all the people in it, so I mean why stay? Especially if I like my dorm?

Gahh, I don't even know how to bring it up with him.

Why can't I ever catch a break in life?

 

[Saint Sims]

Exceptionally irritable.

I can't stress how badly I need to get away from this dorm, and from these people, and from this school right now.

Everyone, EVERYONE is annoying the physical ******** out of me. I can't tolerate everyone's annoying "stressing over finals" bullshit and the random diets happening right now.

Everyone has an obnoxious attitude right now and I'm really about to blow the ******** up on someone and b***h them out.

It's so frustrating when people overly express how chill they want to be, need to be, or are when they really aren't. Someone who is chill is someone who isn't bothered by petty bullshit, someone who can wake up everyday and be content and go with the flow about everything. Not someone who finds the need to smoke a blunt, act stupid, and bum around all day.

Gahhhh. Everyone I know right now with very very few exceptions is all stressed about their finals and bitching about studying, and bitching about everyone else all the ******** time.

Just shut up. Seriously, shut up. No one cares. You're not being unique, you're just annoying the piss out of one of the most tolerable people you'll ever meet in your entire life, ME.

I just get so overwhelmed with people after long periods of time. I can deal with the usual individual quirks but after a while I just get fed up and everything I internalize just comes fuming out of me.

Finals just need to be over. I need Christmas break, I need to be around people who are actually chill and go-with-the-flow.

Blahhhh.

I need to have my brains ******** out too.

I'm frustrated, and sexually frustrated above all else.

Only five more days. Only five more days.

 

[Saint Sims]

Sorry for the profanities but I just saw a couple of my finals grades and almost pissed myself in delight.

My hardest class my first semester of college was Logic, struggled so hard because it's like this crazy mathematical-not-math-oriented way of thinking and it was hard as s**t. Totally thought I was going to fail the final, barely studied for it even.

I got an 84% on my Logic final. AN ******** PERCENT!!!! I passed Logic you guys!!!

And in my Biology class I got a 94% on the final and finished the class with an A, MY FIRST COLLEGE A!!!!

Seriously could use some congratulatory sex or food or getting drunk but instead I'll just sit here wriggling with delight and texting all my friends ahahah.

YOU GUYS, I'm passing college!

[Taeryyn]

Congratulations. biggrin That's ******** awesome.  

[Saint Sims]

Taeryyn

Congratulations. biggrin That's ******** awesome.

Thank you thank you c:

 

[Saint Sims]

Men make me flustered.

Once again an individual of the male design has sent me into utter flustration.

This is a guy who I've been kind of drooling over for a really long time and then suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel, he was single, he made suggestions about him and me getting together and not only just harmlessly hanging out but possibly, and of course explicitly, having sex (perchance, naturally).

He even drunk texted me on New Years Eve, me of all people, and decided to share the progression of his night. He even managed to drunkenly hammer out that he wanted to see me when we got back to school.

My hopes just kept building and then suddenly his ex-boyfriend decides to randomly share that he and the guy I like are now ******** buddies and since I've been back at school this very kid has continuously made a point of telling me when he and the guy I like are hanging out.

Now I understand entirely why he's doing it, he's definitely trying to make me jealous. And while I do wish it were me hanging out with the guy I like and not his ex-boyfriend, I'm not going to throw a fit over the fact that someone else is.

What really flustrates me is that the guy I like hasn't exactly been so thoughtful as to actually get around to suggesting we hang since we've been back at school. Sure, it's only been a week, but all he's done is talk to me about his ******** buddy and hangout with other past flings.

I just don't know what to think.

I'm not particularly upset or heartbroken but I'm a little perplexed by him. I just don't know what course of action I should take and even if I should continue to bother with trying to get close to him.

Blahhh. I feel like a child whining about it too.

I just don't like boys anymore :c

 

[Saint Sims]

Where do we begin, Joseph?

I've been a little perplexed lately. A bit awash with a desire to create perpetual change yet not quite sure how to go about it.

I should first explain that it is my life mission to alter the state of our world. That is, to instill an unrelenting desire within the peoples of this world to create change. In some way I hope to begin or at very least contribute to a global revolution.

Now it's important to understand that I am an incredibly pro-change individual. I mean, I can't stand looking at the organization of my desk for more than a month or two before I decide to rearrange it altogether.

I've always found that fighting social injustices, combatting ignorance, and perpetuating an idea of self-growth and discovery has allowed me to find peace of mind.

When I look at the shape of the world today I'm rather disgusted with the how far we've allowed our rights and wellbeing to deteriorate.

I suppose that I find motivation in social injustice. That by seeing governments, societies, and the world as a whole impose upon its citizens I feel compelled to ravage everything we've worked for and start anew.

I'm of the mindset that only by bringing together the people of this world; all peoples of every color, size, and language imaginable; can we truly make a change in this world, a change for what we deserve, for better.

And then after all these thoughts I ground myself by asking, "Just how do you plan on accomplishing all of this, Joseph?" to which I reply, "Does it matter?"

I suppose that the ends do not always justify the means but do the means justify the ends?

So I'll ask myself everyday for the rest of my life, "Where do we begin, Joseph?"

 

[Saint Sims]

I want love, not lovers.

Every so often I give myself a reality check.

I come to a cold realization of what I really want in my life and yet I also remind myself how incredibly far I am from all of it.

I want someone in my life who I feel the desire to do anything and everything for without a second thought. I want someone to hold, to feel close to, to love unconditionally, and to make happy.

Now I know, I know for a fact, that one day I will have that someone but sometimes I just can't help getting to thinking of how far I am from that person and it's scary and disheartening.

It's hard fighting for someone you've never met. But that's something I think I'm rather good at.

 

[Saint Sims]

I know what I want, but how should I go about achieving it?

I've come to a set of crossroads.

I have many passions in life but none of them are quite as potent as my desire to fight social injustices through educating the masses; best achieved by journalism, and storytelling through visual means; my tool being that of cinematography.

Unfortunately, those two passions do not exactly overlap at any point and so it becomes, which do I choose?

I know for a fact that I no longer wish to attend my current university and that my love for video is both unequaled and unsurpassed. But is cinematography something I really see myself doing for the rest of my life?

At one instance the answer is yes, I'd rather do nothing else. On the other hand, sometimes I see journalism, something I am innately good at and quite educated about as something that would not only get me far in life but also allow me to make a huge impact on the world through it.

I know that if I attend Columbia College in Chicago I may be able to double major in both journalism and Film & Video with a concentration in Cinematography.

The issue then becomes: is Columbia practical, feasible, and something I desire?

I don't quite know at this point in time.

Ugh, and so ensues the self-doubt, stress, and anxiety.

I need loads of advice here but I'm not entirely sure what advice I'm exactly looking for.

 

[Saint Sims]

A moment of clarity.

I've come to the realization that I can both have my cake and eat it too.

It is, without a doubt, entirely possible for me to fill my life with both of my passions, cinematography and journalism, and attend a school that would enable me to do so.

Missouri State University and Central Michigan University are the two schools I am now to choose between, CMU being the more appealing of the two.

That means one more year of pulling my hair out and clawing at my face while suffering through GVSU's aggravating courses.

Thank the Lord Jesus.

 

[Taeryyn]

I'm happy to hear that there's a workable solution available for you. biggrin  

[Saint Sims]

Taeryyn

Me too c;

And goodness, sometimes I wonder what you must think of me when you read my posts.

I question myself even when I read over my posts xP