Carolyn's Life&Ramblings ☆ ⋆ [[comments are welcomed]]

[Emo Pankakes]

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oh my was yeseterday a good day. i mean work was stressful, but then i got some unexpected help wich made me much happier!!
i had good food and saw the hobbit, which was amazingggggg! but at the same times im sitting here not knowing what to think still... i mean it's like i think that things are going one way, but there's evidence stacked in both directions...

Let me clarify my confused situation for anyone that might want to read:
so E, Z, and I all went out. I shouldn't be suprised that Z showed up because E and I never hang out alone, he always adds someone else to the plans (I think it's because the first few times we hung out I was hesitant to say yes until I learned that there would be more people there, so now it's either just to coninue that trend or keep me in my comfort zone, which is good. My comfort zome has been pushed quite a bit lately @//n//@ )
ANYWAY. I just- I don't understand myself right now.
I should probably focus on other things.... OH WELL

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[Emo Pankakes]

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Sometimes life is just a great and fun adventure. Other times it's just bleh. Today was not just bleh. I mean, it wasn't really an adventure either, but it was a good day~
I had to work and I felt confused much of the da like my head is in a fog, but I also laughed a lot which is very good.
I'm still confused as ever about everything though.
Maybe I should make lists. For some reason making lists helps me think through things. I noticed once that one of my little brothers is like that too, he makes lists all the time though, not just when confused about something.
oh well
bye for now. I feel like I might forget about this thing again soon :/D

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[Emo Pankakes]

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okay, wow. I guess this is like a step up to I don't even know what the f*** is happening anymore. So I hung out with E, and we were goin to try to bring Z and this guy she secretly likes, but he wanted to go out to eat before we picked them up, and then they both bailed on us so we had dinner and watched a couple movie at his house after? So, sooo weird. I don't mean it was bad, like I had fun and new experiences are always great, but now both Z and my parents think E and I are dating which isn't true unless I missed some kind of memo here...
I am just gjenxuckanxja. Seriously I don't know how to properly express myself in words right now about the situation. I'm just doing what I can do, see how it plays out.
Oh, also, I should add that he later asked a question infront of his friend about the other day when we were hanging out, but when his friend asked about why E asked me that (because it related to the first movie we watched, and no one would really understand the question unless they had been in the room). ANYWAY, he explained the question as something else. Aka, his friend doesn't know we were hanging out? Idk so much confusion.

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[Emo Pankakes]

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I feel like I am walking on a dangerous edge.

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[Emo Pankakes]

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Can I just not anymore. I know what I want, but I have to question myself as to whether or not this is something I really should even consider, because I know where this road ends, and I know I'll hate myself for it. But at the same time I kind of don't care. I feel ridiculous and I think that I need an outside perspective on the matter.

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[Emo Pankakes]

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OH MY GOD.
seriously. how. what. no.
ummm, so apparently my dad thinks that i am dating one of my coworkers and that i'm mad at him because he said i couldn't hang out with them. lol, honestly i'm okay that i can't go out (other than the fact that i was going to buy dinner and i am really hungry because i decided not to make dinner when i found out we were going out)... anyway just i am so confused like really. i mean maybe my dad saw me get dropped off when i thought he was sleeping a few times and i lied about who i was hanging out with because i know that my dad doesn't like it when i hang out with guys, so just uggh @n@

this is all just really dumb though because i'm not going to do anything but what we normally do, which is literally nothing. and i considered telling my dad that they've had quite a good amount of experience driving (his reason that i can't go is that he doesn't trust them to drive me when it's snowing), but then he'd know that they are a lot older than me and there goes my social life...

-end rant-

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[Emo Pankakes]

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what am I even doing anymore.
seriously, I have myself running in circles around the same ideas/thoughts/people and I don't know how to make it stop.
I feel like the obvious solution would be to talk about it/to these people, but that is 100% a no-go, not ever happening type-thing. End of story.
Mostly because I really just don't know what to do with my feelings. Heck, I don't even know if I am just misplacing the feelings I had for K, or it's just because the idea of something happening excites me, or I actually really do feel this way.
It's insane. And it's driving me insane slowly.
I keep going in a circle because I think things are leaning one way, and I think that I want it to go this way, but then I realize how bad of an idea it really is!
just uggh.

if anything happens for real (other than driving myself insane) I'll be sure to post about it....

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[Emo Pankakes]

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alright, so I think that I have decided that I am going to peruse whatever currently seems to be building (with E). I mean who knows where it could go right? So I'll put effort in, and if he doesn't seem to pick up I'll be blunt and just tell him. (but I feel like he's the kind of guy who would totally catch on... I hope).
Anyway, other than that, everything is pretty uneventful. My hours got cut at work, but hey what can you do sometimes :/

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[Emo Pankakes]

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after today I feel as though I am making negative progress, which is to say I'm making him (E) think that I like him as just a friend, if that. So that's never good... (case and point is that he thought he had been annoying me so he stopped talking to me, and then I didn't go to a party with him),
There were two very different ways that tonight could have gone. To be honest it didn't go the way I would have liked, but morally it was probably the best choice because oh my god what is self control. (I mean absolutely nothing has happened, but I know if I had gone out tonight not only would I have not said no, I probably would have been encouraging/starting things).
But it's whatever, because this isn't my last opportunity, I will make sure to make more opportunities for myself if none arise soon,

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[Emo Pankakes]

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so I find myself falling deeper and deeper into a hole I didn't realize I was digging until it was too late. oops!
so today at work one of the guys that works there goes "I noticed E is really hands-y with you, do you want me to talk to him about it?" (yes, that is how he worded it, and a few days before E had held my hand for like five seconds while everyone was out, and he also had an arm around me for a while when we were sitting next to each other)
Anyway I had been really hoping that no one would talk about that at all at work but then oops it happened and I was blushing and just said that it was okay, if I felt uncomfortable I'd tell him (I think I actually said something along the lines of "I'm a big girl and I know how to say no when I need to")
But yeah everything is just weird... I think it's going how I want it to though? I mean later on that night that E was "hands-y" with me he drove me home and held my hand then entire drive >/////< but yeah (I never really realized how nice it feels to hold hands with people before. or maybe it's just him)
And I like how I feel like this journal-ish thing of mine is slowly becoming more and more focused on one thing...... hehe :'D

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[Clasela]

♥ Aw, that's so sweet for you! I remember what it was like when I first held my partner's hand... There is nothing more perfect in the world than that moment.
So are you two officially dating or?

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Clasela

No, not yet. We haven't really talked about anything more than him asking me who I liked the other day when I didn't want to confess and mess anything up. I mean at this point I'm pretty sure he likes me and a lot of people think we are.
The other night (when he was being "hands-y") we had been hanging out before we picked up some other people and he hugged me and went "mineeee" >/////<

 

[Clasela]

Emo Pankakes

♥ I'm sure it will come with time. It's nice to take it slow and adjust. But I'm positive he wouldn't be holding your hand if he didn't like you~ 4laugh
Aw, haha, that's cute of him, maybe it's his way of saying that you are his girlfriend?

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Clasela

For now I am just taking everything in stride and seeing how it goes, and I think taking things slow is good for both of us.
haha, maybe!! It was a really cute/sweet moment and in my head I was like "wow wait did he just say that? my goodness".

 

[Clasela]

Emo Pankakes

♥ That's good. Relationships should be built on friendship and time.
I can imagine. I was stunned when my partner first asked me out to dinner. I kept thinking, "dinner, you want me to go out for dinner with you?" sweatdrop