Hi.

[MadPad]

Masamune Breaker

-erases post and gives up trying to explain-

Xenosaga gets a lot of criticism because it's 90% cutscenes. A lot of people complain that there's too much story and not enough gameplay. I'm more of a movie fan than a game fan, I suck at games, I'm not very competitive, I'm easily frustrated, etc. So I liked it because it was all movies.

The other thing is they lost a lot of money on it when they messed up Episode II, so they cut the series short. They skipped over some important stuff and left out a lot of key things in the story, which made Episode III a little confusing and weird.

Aside from that though, the game universe is very massive and detailed. It has a lot of philosophical stuff in it also, about how people think and all about the fear of rejection and will power and so on. It's not perfect but it's pretty interesting.

I'm doing a yaoi xeno comic on deviantArt. Some people looked the game up on YouTube only because of my story. Most people I meet have no idea what it is so I'm surprised anyone recommended it to you. A lot of people don't like it.

One of the things I liked about the game, I guess, is that several of the characters are immortal and stay 16 forever. They're small and sleek and graceful and pretty and it makes me feel better about myself or something. There are a few characters in Xenosaga that are extremely powerful even though they're little and not very masculine.

But then sometimes I feel bad for liking it because it's too "pretty" and seems like a girl's game. v.v I feel like if I don't only like muscle cars and Die Hard and whatever that people will say "Well you're not really a transsexual" or something because I'm not guyish enough. But I'm a gay guy and gay guys are allowed to like sissy stuff. But it's okay for them because they have the equipment to back it up. They don't have to PROVE they're guys. But it doesn't matter if I do only like manly stuff because people in real life still ignore it anyway, like I said in the monster post earlier. So it really doesn't matter what I like or don't like. It's just frustrating trying to figure out what I'm "supposed to be" in order to get people to respect me. It's not enough to make me not adore the game anyway, but it does hurt my pride now and then when I seem to like girly games and all my tomboy friends are playing Silent Hill and whatever. Even girls are more manly than I am.

I'll have to sheepishly admit while hiding in my flower pot that sometimes I only play Devil May Cry because it's a "guy's game" and I feel all badass and manly and tough when I play it. v.v; And Dante is hot, but besides that.

I just don't tell people that when I'm playing it, I spend most of my time watching him walk. gonk emo

What do you mean you give up trying to explain? If you ever want people to understand you you gotta stop being so lazy and explain to them what's the matter! Silly boy... >_>


I've heard about the game world being massively detailed and the story and characters being emotionally complex, but I haven't heard much else besides that.
Characters that are young, pretty and overly powerful at the same time sound an awful anime stereotype though, hopefully it won't damage the characters' credibility.

I'm sorry to say that and I really don't want to sound offending, but that's just a waste of thought capacity. It doesn't matter if you are guy, a girl, gay, straight or whatever, you just like what you like, period. Having a preference for action-movies and muscle cars doesn't make you a man, neither does a preference for "sissy stuff" make you gay. Identifying yourself honestly as a man and being sexually attracted only to other men is what makes you a gay man! I know it would be great if people around you could recognize that aswell, but like I said earlier you just can't force them to. There's no way around it, you got to stop self-pitying and start fully accepting yourself as a man, despite those physiological problems.  

[XrosHeartless]

Masamune Breaker

XrosHeartless

They both fit in the "Close enough" category for me.

I like dragons because I can pronounce their names, lol. They're always like "the white dragon" or "the black dragon" or something, and dinosaurs are always Cersoidhsoiebshexsaurus. lD ;

And every time I'd have a dino I really liked, scientists would "discover something new" and change the way it looked and stuff. They started adding feathers on things and making them look silly, decided such-n-such can't stand up like you're used to seeing it, etc. Bc

Eh, it doesn't bother me too much.  

[Masamune Breaker]

MadPad

What do you mean you give up trying to explain? If you ever want people to understand you you gotta stop being so lazy and explain to them what's the matter! Silly boy... >_>


I've heard about the game world being massively detailed and the story and characters being emotionally complex, but I haven't heard much else besides that.
Characters that are young, pretty and overly powerful at the same time sound an awful anime stereotype though, hopefully it won't damage the characters' credibility.

I'm sorry to say that and I really don't want to sound offending, but that's just a waste of thought capacity. It doesn't matter if you are guy, a girl, gay, straight or whatever, you just like what you like, period. Having a preference for action-movies and muscle cars doesn't make you a man, neither does a preference for "sissy stuff" make you gay. Identifying yourself honestly as a man and being sexually attracted only to other men is what makes you a gay man! I know it would be great if people around you could recognize that aswell, but like I said earlier you just can't force them to. There's no way around it, you got to stop self-pitying and start fully accepting yourself as a man, despite those physiological problems.

I don't know what else to day. I'm mentally tired. This is too hard for me.

Thanks anyway.  

[Masamune Breaker]

XrosHeartless

Eh, it doesn't bother me too much.

When that happens to do you go with the new version or stick to the old? o3o  

[XrosHeartless]

Masamune Breaker

XrosHeartless

Eh, it doesn't bother me too much.

When that happens to do you go with the new version or stick to the old? o3o

I honestly forget about alot of the changes.  

[MadPad]

Masamune Breaker

I don't know what else to day. I'm mentally tired. This is too hard for me.

Thanks anyway.

You don't have to say anything immediately, take your time.
I have to ask you a favor though. Please, with heaps and heaps of sugar on top, do not shut yourself in again. I really want to empathize, but I can't if I always get the wrong impression. So please, I need you to clarify what's true and what's just assumption!

Feel free to tell me if you consider that it's not worth your time. I'm not going to be offended, promise. c:  

[Masamune Breaker]

XrosHeartless

I honestly forget about alot of the changes.

xD
I don't like how velociraptor has feathers now. And they were trying to say T-rex has feathers too or something. Silly! emotion_donotwant  

[Masamune Breaker]

MadPad

You don't have to say anything immediately, take your time.
I have to ask you a favor though. Please, with heaps and heaps of sugar on top, do not shut yourself in again. I really want to empathize, but I can't if I always get the wrong impression. So please, I need you to clarify what's true and what's just assumption!

Feel free to tell me if you consider that it's not worth your time. I'm not going to be offended, promise. c:

I can't make people understand. v.v

I think the only thing there is to understand is I'm psychologically damaged. I've been pushed so far that something broke inside and everything just isn't working right anymore. Most people try to help, but they keep ignoring that and insist that I'm normal, I suppose because they're trying to be comforting or reassuring, but it's like I tell someone how I feel, and the replies I get are all like someone is trying to correct me or even argue with me. I get frustrated and start getting mad at the person. I have to keep telling myself that they mean well and they're trying to help.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want from people.

I want friends my own age that I can relate to and have fun with but it never happens, because there's some kind of barrier between me and other people and I can't get through it. I think something's wrong with me.
 

[MadPad]

Masamune Breaker

I can't make people understand. v.v

I think the only thing there is to understand is I'm psychologically damaged. I've been pushed so far that something broke inside and everything just isn't working right anymore. Most people try to help, but they keep ignoring that and insist that I'm normal, I suppose because they're trying to be comforting or reassuring, but it's like I tell someone how I feel, and the replies I get are all like someone is trying to correct me or even argue with me. I get frustrated and start getting mad at the person. I have to keep telling myself that they mean well and they're trying to help.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want from people.

I want friends my own age that I can relate to and have fun with but it never happens, because there's some kind of barrier between me and other people and I can't get through it. I think something's wrong with me.

Thank you for telling me that. c: I really did not want to make the impression that I want to correct you or even argue with you, I'm so sorry for being such a straining fella. sweatdrop You have every right to be mad, it was very inconsiderate of me to just assume that by saying these things I could make you feel better, like I was not even taking you seriously enough to consider that someone must've already said similar things to you.

May I ask what kind of barrier you mean? Is it some kind of inner obstacle or do you feel like it's because of other persons?  

[Masamune Breaker]

MadPad

Thank you for telling me that. c: I really did not want to make the impression that I want to correct you or even argue with you, I'm so sorry for being such a straining fella. sweatdrop You have every right to be mad, it was very inconsiderate of me to just assume that by saying these things I could make you feel better, like I was not even taking you seriously enough to consider that someone must've already said similar things to you.

May I ask what kind of barrier you mean? Is it some kind of inner obstacle or do you feel like it's because of other persons?

Talking like this is extremely hard for me. I can never seem to get people to hear what I'm trying to say. That's why I have to type huge posts. Sometimes it takes me an hour to post a reply here because I keep reading over it and changing it and adding onto it and taking parts out and trying and trying and trying to make it clear what I'm trying to say. But when people answer, it's always as if I said something completely opposite of what I meant. I don't know how to say things in a way that other people understand.

And it always seems like when I think I'm really really weird and screwed up and a total mess, that I realize everybody else is just like that too. It's like I'm always so different that I'm completely alone in the world and no one understands me, but at the same time always just like everybody else.

I'm just so completely afraid when I come here. I'm always worried what people will think about what I said, and how I can possibly explain what I mean, and if people will get mad or get uncomfortable or if I'll hurt their feelings and I just don't know how to talk to people, it's so hard.

When I first came here I just sat and cried my eyes out for over an hour because I was so afraid, and being here trying to talk to somebody is taking a lot out of me. And I keep feeling worse and worse that I can't just be normal and talk to someone without being scared, but I already explained all that in the monster post I put up earlier. It's so hard to trust anyone after the way people have been in the past. Every time I post something, I"m expecting to be told off. I've had a lot of "well it's your fault, quit feeling sorry for yourself, get out into the world and do something about it" kind of responses. I understand everybody has problems and other people shouldn't have to deal with my crap in edition to their own. That's the way I feel when people tell me stuff like that.

I probably just need a shrink but I don't think it would help. Therapy only works if you want it to. I don't want somebody to listen to me only because I paid them and only because they want to fix me. I want somebody to listen to me because they care about me. But I don't know how to make people care, I don't know how to be cool and be likeable and be someone you want to help.

Sometimes I would rather just die than sign in with this account and read what the replies are, but I'm making myself do it because I'm trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I believed that if I could find people who accepted me that I could make it better, that all of my problems revolve around fear of rejection and all the other nonsense I picked up from Xenosaga.

When I'm alone with nothing but my thoughts I'm able to think through everything and understand what's wrong. But when I'm confronted by people I freeze up and can't remember all the stuff I figured out before. All of the sudden I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm not making any sense and I just look stupid and weird.

I think the problem is I'm just a person like everybody else is and need the same things everybody else does, but everybody else acts like I'm something less than human, because humans have genders, and I don't, so I'm not a person.

I like Xenosaga because one of those little stereotypical pretty teenybopper anime guys can control the future. It makes my problems seem to tiny and silly compared to the overall fate of the universe. And then I feel better. But other people act like it's such a big deal! Like it's all that matters, life revolves around sex! No sexual identity, no value as a human being. You're either a he, she, or an it. Its aren't people, they're things. And then I start to snap because I've finally come to realize it's such a petty insignificant thing, but nobody else realizes that, so then suddenly I realize I'm surrounded by petty insignificant people who are wrapped up in petty insignificant things.

I'm just losing it. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't know what to do.
 

[MadPad]

Masamune Breaker

Talking like this is extremely hard for me. I can never seem to get people to hear what I'm trying to say. That's why I have to type huge posts. Sometimes it takes me an hour to post a reply here because I keep reading over it and changing it and adding onto it and taking parts out and trying and trying and trying to make it clear what I'm trying to say. But when people answer, it's always as if I said something completely opposite of what I meant. I don't know how to say things in a way that other people understand.

And it always seems like when I think I'm really really weird and screwed up and a total mess, that I realize everybody else is just like that too. It's like I'm always so different that I'm completely alone in the world and no one understands me, but at the same time always just like everybody else.

I'm just so completely afraid when I come here. I'm always worried what people will think about what I said, and how I can possibly explain what I mean, and if people will get mad or get uncomfortable or if I'll hurt their feelings and I just don't know how to talk to people, it's so hard.

When I first came here I just sat and cried my eyes out for over an hour because I was so afraid, and being here trying to talk to somebody is taking a lot out of me. And I keep feeling worse and worse that I can't just be normal and talk to someone without being scared, but I already explained all that in the monster post I put up earlier. It's so hard to trust anyone after the way people have been in the past. Every time I post something, I"m expecting to be told off. I've had a lot of "well it's your fault, quit feeling sorry for yourself, get out into the world and do something about it" kind of responses. I understand everybody has problems and other people shouldn't have to deal with my crap in edition to their own. That's the way I feel when people tell me stuff like that.

I probably just need a shrink but I don't think it would help. Therapy only works if you want it to. I don't want somebody to listen to me only because I paid them and only because they want to fix me. I want somebody to listen to me because they care about me. But I don't know how to make people care, I don't know how to be cool and be likeable and be someone you want to help.

Sometimes I would rather just die than sign in with this account and read what the replies are, but I'm making myself do it because I'm trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I believed that if I could find people who accepted me that I could make it better, that all of my problems revolve around fear of rejection and all the other nonsense I picked up from Xenosaga.

When I'm alone with nothing but my thoughts I'm able to think through everything and understand what's wrong. But when I'm confronted by people I freeze up and can't remember all the stuff I figured out before. All of the sudden I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm not making any sense and I just look stupid and weird.

I think the problem is I'm just a person like everybody else is and need the same things everybody else does, but everybody else acts like I'm something less than human, because humans have genders, and I don't, so I'm not a person.

I like Xenosaga because one of those little stereotypical pretty teenybopper anime guys can control the future. It makes my problems seem to tiny and silly compared to the overall fate of the universe. And then I feel better. But other people act like it's such a big deal! Like it's all that matters, life revolves around sex! No sexual identity, no value as a human being. You're either a he, she, or an it. Its aren't people, they're things. And then I start to snap because I've finally come to realize it's such a petty insignificant thing, but nobody else realizes that, so then suddenly I realize I'm surrounded by petty insignificant people who are wrapped up in petty insignificant things.

I'm just losing it. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't know what to do.

I've got to thank you again for being so brave and the effort you make to let me know how you feel.
Don't worry, I don't feel uncomfortable, hurt or angry at you. I rather worry that you are annoyed of me. I always fear that I might be overlooking important things people are telling me, whenever they say/type as much as you do. I'm reading stuff all over and over again to make sure I'm not missing anything, but when I don't say anything about a particular sentences or paragraph, people just assume that I haven't read it at all or I'm just not trying hard enough... :c

To be honest, I think I'm also a little intimidated by you. I can personally relate to some of the things you said, but your problems sound so much bigger and more complicated than anything I've ever had to deal with. I'd really like to listen to what you have to say, but I fear that you wouldn't even take me serious, because I'm just a nobody who can't even imagine what it must be like to be in your situation.
I believe I might be one of the insignificant ones in your eyes, who'd even give a damn if a person like that would care?  

[Masamune Breaker]

MadPad

I've got to thank you again for being so brave and the effort you make to let me know how you feel.
Don't worry, I don't feel uncomfortable, hurt or angry at you. I rather worry that you are annoyed of me. I always fear that I might be overlooking important things people are telling me, whenever they say/type as much as you do. I'm reading stuff all over and over again to make sure I'm not missing anything, but when I don't say anything about a particular sentences or paragraph, people just assume that I haven't read it at all or I'm just not trying hard enough... :c

To be honest, I think I'm also a little intimidated by you. I can personally relate to some of the things you said, but your problems sound so much bigger and more complicated than anything I've ever had to deal with. I'd really like to listen to what you have to say, but I fear that you wouldn't even take me serious, because I'm just a nobody who can't even imagine what it must be like to be in your situation.
I believe I might be one of the insignificant ones in your eyes, who'd even give a damn if a person like that would care?

;.; -gathers and huggles; puts on back and gives pony ride-

No, I appreciate all these comments but I don't know how to say thank you. You're down to being the last person still talking with me about it. I think everyone else saw the T-word in that monster post back there and split, and I really think there are a few scared little people reading this but just afraid to type anything or don't know what to say.

I know I do sort of ignore most of the nice things you say, and it's because in the past it works like this: I have problem. There's a type of people who are the Nice People and they see it as their duty to fix all problems. So they say a bunch of nice things to me, and it's supposed to fix it. If it does fix it and I feel better, they disappear because their duty is over. If I get upset again, they're magically summoned and do their nice thing again, then disappear when I'm better. It's confusing, because then you start to learn that if you do get better, your friends will leave, and that's why you see people always harping about suicide even though they'll never do it and they're ALWAYS depressed, because being depressed makes people pay attention to you.

The other type of people are the Shut Up And Get Over Its. They show up, lay down the facts and the cold hard truth to you, and if that doesn't fix your problem then you're a whiner or an attention-seeker.

I no longer pay attention to nice things people say when I'm upset, because the majority of them will say one nice thing and then leave. They don't become friends with me, they don't get to know me, they don't stay with me. They show up, say something to fix the problem, then vanish.

I don't want people to fix me. I just want people to care, even if they can't fix it.

But the fact that I can't be fixed seems to annoy people. emo

I just want friends. They don't have to be perfect friends that fix everything. I just want to meet those magical people that treat trans people like normal people and call them by the gender they are inside instead of outside and don't think there's anything weird about it. I saw them in an XY magazine, but they might as well have been riding on Chocobos and casting Ultima on homophobic bullies. I just want somebody to tell me honestly "No, really, I don't have a problem with it." But I noticed most people say "I have friends that..." and maybe they don't mean it that way or realize how it sounds, but I don't really care what your friends think. They're not here. It's always in third person, there's other people who are okay with it, but not the person I'm talking to at the time. There's always other people out there somewhere, but the person I'm talking to right here and right now always seems to morph into my favorite teacher that I trusted, the one I went to when I got upset in class, the one that said "I support you but don't approve of what you're doing." Everyone supports me, but deep down they think I'm nasty and sinful and weird and stupid but they don't wanna say it because they're nice.

That's why people saying nice things to me when I'm upset just doesn't leave any impression on me. If people keep talking to me and don't act like they'll disappear as soon as I'm "fixed" then it means something to me. Being nice and saying nice things doesn't mean anything, and I feel bad to say that, but that's how it is for me. So many nice people secretly don't approve of me, they just want me to feel better, because making me feel better makes them feel better. They don't CARE about me at all, they don't like me, they don't like how I am, they think I'm sick and weird and stupid and whatever, but they'll say nice things because they're nice.

I don't want it to seem like the comments people leave don't matter to me. v.v But other than you, most people did post one reply and then never said anything else.

I just want to feel like I'm okay. Normal gay guys can put up topics going "I think I like guys, am I freak?" and everyone goes "No, no! That's normal! C:" but then you post "I think I'm transgendered, am I freak?" "................................................." -no comments- *one of The Nice People posts a half-hearted nice thing that they tell anyone they see who is depressed and then they leave*

People are nice... but they don't approve.

v_v

I can't do this anymore, it gives me a headache, always reading over this over and over and changing it and it will never sound right, I might as well not type anything at all. Nobody is ever going to understand.
 

[XrosHeartless]

Masamune Breaker

XrosHeartless

I honestly forget about alot of the changes.

xD
I don't like how velociraptor has feathers now. And they were trying to say T-rex has feathers too or something. Silly! emotion_donotwant

It's not like it matters, movies and games for the most part are going to ignore or not even be aware of that.  

[Masamune Breaker]

XrosHeartless

It's not like it matters, movies and games for the most part are going to ignore or not even be aware of that.

Jurassic Park 3 bugged me. Even if they found out real dinosaurs have feathers, the dinosaurs in JP didn't. So just up and all the sudden they evolved feathers between movies was a bit derpy.

I think it's ironic how these days dinosaurs in movies look so real, especially in JP, but every time you see CG horses and even most dogs they never look real at all. You'd think modern animals would be easier since we can get references for them instead of having to make it up, lol.  

[MadPad]

Masamune Breaker

;.; -gathers and huggles; puts on back and gives pony ride-

No, I appreciate all these comments but I don't know how to say thank you. You're down to being the last person still talking with me about it. I think everyone else saw the T-word in that monster post back there and split, and I really think there are a few scared little people reading this but just afraid to type anything or don't know what to say.

I know I do sort of ignore most of the nice things you say, and it's because in the past it works like this: I have problem. There's a type of people who are the Nice People and they see it as their duty to fix all problems. So they say a bunch of nice things to me, and it's supposed to fix it. If it does fix it and I feel better, they disappear because their duty is over. If I get upset again, they're magically summoned and do their nice thing again, then disappear when I'm better. It's confusing, because then you start to learn that if you do get better, your friends will leave, and that's why you see people always harping about suicide even though they'll never do it and they're ALWAYS depressed, because being depressed makes people pay attention to you.

The other type of people are the Shut Up And Get Over Its. They show up, lay down the facts and the cold hard truth to you, and if that doesn't fix your problem then you're a whiner or an attention-seeker.

I no longer pay attention to nice things people say when I'm upset, because the majority of them will say one nice thing and then leave. They don't become friends with me, they don't get to know me, they don't stay with me. They show up, say something to fix the problem, then vanish.

I don't want people to fix me. I just want people to care, even if they can't fix it.

But the fact that I can't be fixed seems to annoy people. emo

I just want friends. They don't have to be perfect friends that fix everything. I just want to meet those magical people that treat trans people like normal people and call them by the gender they are inside instead of outside and don't think there's anything weird about it. I saw them in an XY magazine, but they might as well have been riding on Chocobos and casting Ultima on homophobic bullies. I just want somebody to tell me honestly "No, really, I don't have a problem with it." But I noticed most people say "I have friends that..." and maybe they don't mean it that way or realize how it sounds, but I don't really care what your friends think. They're not here. It's always in third person, there's other people who are okay with it, but not the person I'm talking to at the time. There's always other people out there somewhere, but the person I'm talking to right here and right now always seems to morph into my favorite teacher that I trusted, the one I went to when I got upset in class, the one that said "I support you but don't approve of what you're doing." Everyone supports me, but deep down they think I'm nasty and sinful and weird and stupid but they don't wanna say it because they're nice.

That's why people saying nice things to me when I'm upset just doesn't leave any impression on me. If people keep talking to me and don't act like they'll disappear as soon as I'm "fixed" then it means something to me. Being nice and saying nice things doesn't mean anything, and I feel bad to say that, but that's how it is for me. So many nice people secretly don't approve of me, they just want me to feel better, because making me feel better makes them feel better. They don't CARE about me at all, they don't like me, they don't like how I am, they think I'm sick and weird and stupid and whatever, but they'll say nice things because they're nice.

I don't want it to seem like the comments people leave don't matter to me. v.v But other than you, most people did post one reply and then never said anything else.

I just want to feel like I'm okay. Normal gay guys can put up topics going "I think I like guys, am I freak?" and everyone goes "No, no! That's normal! C:" but then you post "I think I'm transgendered, am I freak?" "................................................." -no comments- *one of The Nice People posts a half-hearted nice thing that they tell anyone they see who is depressed and then they leave*

People are nice... but they don't approve.

v_v

I can't do this anymore, it gives me a headache, always reading over this over and over and changing it and it will never sound right, I might as well not type anything at all. Nobody is ever going to understand.

Hm! cx You sweet lovely pony man!


I know what you mean, a few years ago I was exactly like that. I always wanted to be nice, so I said a lot of nice things, was trying to be cheerful and motivating, but I actually never asked any further questions. It was like you said, I saw a problem, said something nice and moved on.

In some cases that might even suffice, a little affirmation and the rest goes by itself. By now I've already learned that this is not how it generally works. I still feel very selfish, sometimes I feel like I'm not honestly being there for someone, like I'm asking questions and try to empathize just so I can benefit from the experience. I also fear that I'm still not sharing enough time with those who'd need the attention.
Damn, I'm making myself feel like a terrible person again...

There's one thing I need to tell though; people just try to fix the problem, because that's the way they want to show you that they care. They want you to be happy, because they also wanna be able to rely on you, so that you can cheer them up whenever they feel broken. That may sound perhaps a little egoistical, but that's what being there for each other is like (in my experience).

I have to thank you yet again for explaining your views, you taught me a lot!
I don't know if you are going to believe me, but I approve. You are a very interesting man and I'd like to get to know you better. c: (I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm hitting on you. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. I mean I just don't want to give you the wrong impression, I'd sure like to give it a try and be friends with you, you seem like a nice guy and I can surely learn a lot more from you... Not that it's only because I'm thinking about my sole benefit there... Damn, I'm making a fool out of myself... redface )

I think I know how you feel, short and uncomplicated answers are no problem, but as a non-native English speaker I do worry that I'm always saying something the wrong way or that what I'm saying sounds too simple-minded... sweatdrop