The golden joke

[wiccan j]

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"  

[-Stumblefoot-]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"  

[killafrog]

this is lame ut here it goes

3 blondes ran into a bar what they say?

ouch and we dont have i.d  

[-Stumblefoot-]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating great pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, He pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under your pillow."  

[Angelicphrase]

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."  

[killafrog]

1.
What has four legs, whiskers, a tail and flies?
A dead cat.

2.
Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.  

[killafrog]

One day a man desided to get a job at a candy store,
The mananger hired him because he was trully desprate,
now he really wishes he didn't and here's why.

On the man's first day he was the only one working,
so a kid walks in an asks, "Sir, how much are the lolly pops?"
The man says, "I don't know"
So the kid leaves and the manager comes up to the man and says, "No! your supost to say 25 cents."
So then he leaves,
another kid walks in and asks the man, "Sir, how much are the lolly pops?"
The man says, "25 cents."
The kid asks the man, "Are they fresh?"
and the man says "I don't know"
so the kid leaves
the manager comes back and says, "No! your supost to say, yes yes very fresh!" The manager leaves again.
So another kid comes in and asks, "How much are the lolly pops"
"25 cents!"
"are they fresh?"
"Yes, yes very fresh!"
and finally the kid asks, "Should I buy one?"
and the man says, "I don't know."
The manger comes in again, "NO NO NO! your supost to say YES BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES!"
So the manager leaves and a robber comes in!
The robber says, "Give me all your money!"
so the man says, "25 cents!"
The robber asks, "Are you freshening me?"
so the man says, "Yes yes very fresh!"
finally the robber asks, "Should I kill you?"
and the man says, "YES YES BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES!"  

[killafrog]

A man was walking out of an antique shop carrying a grandfather clock. Then a drunk bumps into him, the clock falls and breaks into pieces.
The man carrying the clock yells, "Why don't you watch where you're going?"
The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"  

[killafrog]

Pop quiz,
your riding a horse at full speed...
there's a giraffe in front of you, and
your being chased by a lion, what do you do?
What do you do?

...

...

...

Get yer drunk arse off the carousel!  

[wiccan j]

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack s**t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "you don't know Jack s**t?" Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack s**t is the only son of Awe s**t who married O s**t, the owners of Knee Deep N s**t Inc. In turn, Jack s**t married Noe s**t. The couple had 6 children: Holie s**t, Giva s**t, Fulla s**t, Bull s**t, and the twins Deep s**t and Dip s**t. Deep s**t married Dumb s**t, a high school drop out. After 15 years, Jack and Noe s**t got divorced. Noe s**t remarried Ted Sherlock and became Noe s**t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip s**t married Lota s**t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken s**t. Fulla s**t and Giva s**t married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the s**t -Happens wedding. Bull s**t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride named Pisa s**t.

So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack s**t!!!! rofl  

[MotherMoo]

I took my father to the mall one day, (he's 92) and while we were sitting at the food court, a teenager came over and sat down beside us. My dad couldn't quit staring at the young man because he had spiked hair in many different colors, red, blue, green, purple...

The teenager finally started getting agravated at my dad and asked him, "What the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

My dad just looked at him and said...

Well, I once got drunk and f*** a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my son!!  

[MotherMoo]

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with.'  

[-Stumblefoot-]

John is remorsing to Dave about how complaining his wife is
"When ever I come home late" He says "I turn the ignition off half way down the road, coast in to the drive way, oil the front door hinge so it doesn't squeak when I open it, slip my shoes off, tip toe up the stairs, avoiding all the squeaky floor boards, go into the bathroom to undress, put my foot in the toilet bowl and pee down my leg so as not to make a splashing sound! Creep in to the bed room and as gently as possible slip in to bed!
Every time she then rolls over and blasts me for coming in so late!!"
"your taking the wrong approach" Says Dave "when ever I come home late I screech in to the drive, slam the front door shut, run up the stairs, undress and jump in to bed! I then slap her on the butt and ask "" Who's feeling horny then!?!"" She pretends to be fast asleep! It works every time!!"  

[Exor Omega]

Try this one on for size...

Corduroy Pillows! They're making headlines!  

[-Stumblefoot-]

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton of money off the stock market and decided to retire to a ranch in Montana. One day he was out in his front yard planting some flowers when he sees dirt flying up behind a truck. The truck pulls into his driveway and a famer gets out of his truck.
"Hi, my name is Bob. I'm your neighbor. I live about five miles away and I came to invite you to a party I am having tonight."
"What kind of a party is it?" asks the stockbroker.
"Oh, we're going to do a little dancing, a little fighting, a little eating, little drinking, and a little screwing."
"That sounds great,' said the stockbroker. "What should I wear?"
"I don't care," said Bob. "It's just gonna be the two of us."
eek