Carolyn's Life&Ramblings ☆ ⋆ [[comments are welcomed]]

[Emo Pankakes]

The past couple of days have been good, but also mentally exhausting for me.
My friend Y was home this week, you know, spring break and such, so of course I wasn't going to not see her, though I feel like maybe I would have been better off if I hadn't.
Don't get me wrong, I have had so many good times with her, and she is a great friend, but I feel like we are such different people now. Honestly, this girl has changed so much since she went to school (I don't want to sound mean, or anything at all, but she has become very easy... That's the nicest way I can think to put it).
Actually, to be honest, the reason I was so quick to jump on hanging out with her was because I was scared (and a bit jealous of the possibility) of her hanging out with E and maybe hooking up with him.
She met him once and then told me she liked him (which, let's be honest, how do you like someone you met once when you were both drunk?).
I don't know. Just, I was driving myself crazy thinking about it. I know she still talks to him all the time. Like ALL the time. Maybe more than I do, and I see him almost every day.

I just couldn't really stand that she knows that I like him, yet she'll still call him every couple days, and throw herself at him the second she sees him. Then she tries to play it off, but she does it again.

I'm sorry, I feel like I am sounding like a b*tch and a bad friend to Y, but it drives me nuts.
I mean, I don't have any expectations for my relationship with E to ever change from what it is, but I wish that Y could have a little more self respect and a little more respect for me.

Also, I am beyond done with being that friend that likes a guy, but then finds out one of her friends likes him too, so she drops all her efforts and then helps her friend to win him. Honestly that has happened before, and I'll never get anywhere if I just let it repeat again and again.
Even if it took Y to make me realize my feelings for E, she knew I liked him before I was even willing to admit it to myself, what gives her the right to throw herself at him and try to take him for herself? I mean, I feel like I can't really say she doesn't have the right to do that kind of stuff, but I feel like morally, she should be more aware of the people she's stomping on. (Also, I know I am totally ignoring his position in this, but I know he has said he doesn't want a relationship right now, and let's be honest, he's moving away soon. But she has admitted to being both desperate and easy, and he knows it, so it's actually kind of like they both know it, and, honestly, it hurts me. uggh)

 

[Emo Pankakes]

I always kinda hoped I wouldn't make my first kiss so awkward... and then I did.

I mean that hardly counts, but still.
If only I could have stopped being so shy for five seconds and embraced the moment.

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Things I am really glad about; work not getting suuuuper awkward after the events from earlier this week.
I mean, okay, it barely counts, but still he kissed me, and like we are the only ones who know, and I can't let anyone know. That part kinda drives me insane, because I need to talk about things, it's how I deal with stuff and get it off my mind!!!
I mean I only have like three more weeks until such events ever reoccurring become an impossibility (sadly), so then it won't really have any place clouding my thoughts, but uggh I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more.

And on a slightly different note, I am already hating the weekend despite the fact that it hasn't happened yet. There are some big events going on near where I work, so we are going to be a lot busier than normal, and I have been blessed with the lovely task of closing the store all three nights.... ((please note my heavy sarcasm as I don't like closing on busy nights, or the fact that I don't get freedom on weekends))

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Ahhh, I am so excited! My friends and I are officially going on a road trip this summer! I cannot wait.
It's going to be the best week. Hopefully it doesn't rain so we can hit the beach!!
Also we may or maynot be visitng E while we are on said trip since our destination is near where he's moving to
I mean yeah, very exciting week to look foreword to!! ahhhh!!

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Have you ever just kinda felt like someone was done with you before? That's how I feel right about now (with E). Like, okay I get that he's moving really soon and it's probably a good idea to be distancing myself to begin with, but I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. We haven't really talked in more than a week, or hung out since he kissed me. I mean I saw him yesterday, but he left really quickly when I got there, and it felt really awkward.

This is just all so dumb. I've been feeling so much better over the past four months. I haven't really been depressed or down, with the exception of a couple days when I was weak, but the fact that I have slipped up goes to show that this bright and vivid new outlook I have on life and the world is still very delicate.
So I'm mad at myself that I can't stop thinking about things, my current happiness could shatter in an instant.


In other news tomorrow is my birthday, yay~
And my friends are all having a get to gether Saturday night so I'm excited. That should be fun, and it's something else to think about.

 

[Emo Pankakes]

I should have figured that my happiness wouldn't last.
I mean, I figured it wasn't permanent, and I've had a few bad days, but the last few days things have settled in and I am so depressed.
I cried myself to sleep last night, and okay, I'll be honest it was kind of over E because I have finally realized that I will probably never see him again.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I had forgotten how much I hate emotion. I've been living the past 4 and a half months in an ignorant bliss.
I knew I was digging myself into a hole, but I failed to truly see the reality of how much I was burning myself.
Today I sat at work and tried not to cry again, because everything there makes me think about E, which is what I am trying not to do.
Ugh. I don't think I've even ever cried over a guy like this before.
I mean in middle school there was this guy I liked and he didn't like me and I cried about it in class once (how embarrassing!), but still, I don't think I spent the night crying myself to sleep, or days trying not to.

Honestly, I thought I'd be okay, but clearly I am not. Faking a smile is a lot harder than I remember, and I don't know what to do.
I want to get rid of everything that reminds me of him, but that's impossible.

I'm hoping maybe I can spend time with my friends this week and try not to think of him too much.

 

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

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[Emo Pankakes]

La Belle Gigi

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[Emo Pankakes]

Spending time with my friends was both good and bad.
It was good because I got to spend much of the last two days distracted, and they also tried to help me out with getting my future education plans sorted out a bit.
But it was bad because my friend Z brought up E a couple times when we went to visit her. I mean that could have ended with me bursting into tears, but it didn't, so it could have been worse.

I'm just going to keep trying to focus on other things. Like reading. I just got a bunch of new books to read~

 

[Emo Pankakes]

Okay, wow. So This week, umm yeah.
I got to see E again, so that was good! I really thought I wouldn't, but then he texted me and asked if I wanted to come over.
Long story short I slept over his place and we may have kinda made out a bit... So even if that time he kissed me a few weeks ago barely counts, that definitely did!!
I'm happy about it. I still am sad that he's leaving, but I feel better about it now.
!!!Also -- he said that he'd miss me and called me both beautiful and cute multiples times and he kept worrying about whether or not I was comfortable and such. (like at one point he was like "there's another bedroom, I can leave if you want" cause I couldn't fall asleep @//-//@

And in other news the weather has been beautiful the past couple of days so my friends and I have been going on hikes and I really love nice weather like this (except when my allergies make my nose bleed and my eyes itch like today...)
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[Emo Pankakes]

ugh this week really fing sucks.

For starters, Monday. I don't know how that day could have gotten worse. I woke up to texts from E all excited because he was on his way to his new place 12 hours away from here.
Then, I get up and find out my dog, who had been kind of sickly for the past year, had gotten about 10 times worse over the weekend. Long story short we had to make that tough call to have her put to sleep Monday night because she was suffering so much.
(she was almost 16, we've had her for as long as I can remember. Sadly though, she has been having difficulty walking the past year to the point where we had to carry her outside a lot, and she was a good sized dog. She also had some tumors, and there wasn't really much we could do to help her cry )

And unfortunately the past couple days haven't been that great.
I've never been good at dealing with loss of any kind, and I have found myself slipping back into a depressed numbness.

Oh, and to add fuel to the fire, apparently E and his ex decided that they could work things out despite the fact that they are kind of living 12 hours away from each other now? That was a big blow to me trying to get over him because now I just feel bad about myself.
I mean, I kind of new he still had feelings for this girl, even when he spent time with me.
Now I can't help but hating myself for spending time with him and for letting him be my first kiss. I knew he didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him, but before I could hope.
And all I really wanted was to move on with that hope intact. It would have been so much easier.

Now I feel so much more screwed up.
Over the last, maybe six months, I have been tearing down all the walls I built around myself and letting new people in.
I've done so many things that scared me, and I've been happy.
And now I don't know what to do.

Everything that I have come to know since last summer is suddenly falling apart and I hate myself for letting people into my life.
If I had just stayed numb and alone I would be so much better off than this right now.


and one more bit of badness, my allergies are finally setting in, so my skin is all dry and itchy (mostly on my face). I get eczema from time to time in the spring (mostly my face and forearms) due to my seasonal allergies.
It's extremely uncomfortable. (I also get itchy red eyes, and and uncontrollable amount of sneezing occurs. Also my nose tends to bleed)

So yeah, this is and emotionally and physically bad week. I cut my had on the microwave at work last night.

I think I just want to curl up under some blankets and sleep forever, because when you're asleep nothing can hurt you.

 

[Emo Pankakes]

ahhhhh, okay, so I haven't updated here in a good bit.
ummm, okay, so I'm feeling much better for starters, and I bet you can guess who is to thank for that.
**ding ding ding** if you guessed E, congrats you're a winner!

I dunno. I don't know if I should really let myself feel OK right now, but I am. It's better this way... I hope.
So, what happened exactly? He called me... I mean he was drunk when he called me, but still.
It's nice to know that when his brain isn't functioning properly he still thinks of me.
He had been asking if I missed him, and saying that I need to visit, and that I should go live with him. That last one kind of confuses me. I mean I should really have a talk with him about what he actually wants from me, but for now I just wanna be selfish and keep this going.
(after calling me he has texted me every day, or I texted him first a few times).

So I'm happier than I was when I made my last post.
I'm more confused though...
(I'm gonna be honest here, if he was serious about wanting me to live with him, it's something I would definitely consider doing)

And in other news, my hours changed at work and I have to work mostly mornings now.
I am not happy about this, as I am not a morning person, and I find working in the store during those times to be more stressful than even the busiest nights gonk
(I don't get stressed too easily, but this is going to slowly eat me alive)

 

[Emo Pankakes]

so now this is the part where I just sit around kicking my self.
I haven't talked to E in almost a week. I mean, I really want to, but I'm trying to not spend all my time thinking about him.
And I feel like if I do talk to him it might just make me feel worse or miss him more.
wow I am such a scardy-cat.

anyway, there's that. And then also I had a nasty cold last week.
I was miserable and had a fever and leg pains wednesday-saturday.
I am very glad that it over!!

maybe I'll be lucky and this week will end up being pretty great.

 

[Emo Pankakes]

So nothing has really been eventful since I last posted...
I had a bunch of extra hours forced upon me at work, so now I'm /technically/ a full time employee.
I like the extra money, but I hate working mornings so much.
Let's be honest, I have been late quite a few times. But my manager said that's okay because I didn't and don't want to work mornings.

and because I feel obligated to include this:
I still haven't talked to E. I mean I texted him, but it took him 2 days to respond, and then when I responded to that message he never replied (it's been 5 days)...
So I guess he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
It really sucks because I miss him so much.
I mean, it's not like I'm trying to come between his relationship or anything, I just want to keep being friends with him because I miss him ):

I wish people came equipped with a little switch they could just flip to off when they didn't want to think about someone anymore. It would be SO much easier to move on that wayyyy...

 

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

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