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 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:58 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 12:02 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 12:09 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:59 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:43 pm
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Forgive me.. but what? jamd om theater?
Eponine I Thenardier Vampyre_Angel_Kiss I know... my main problem is.. I'm bored. I have too much time on my hands, since I'm not working or in school, and.. the memories are coming back..
-shiver- It's hard.. but it gets easier, it always does..Eponine I Thenardier Don't worry girl, I know there's hope, And I know you'll find harmony within this world of discord. How about try your a jamd om theater? It always relieves my bad memories
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 2:34 am
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There's very few people in my life who I managed to tell this to. It took me most of my years to tell my mom nearly everything that had happened to me. I believe the farthest memories I have was back in elementary school. As far back as kindergarten. My cousin and his friend introduced me to sex. I also thought it was a game and allowed them to explore my body. It wasn't until my mom discovered what we were up to and refused to allow me anywhere near the two boys.
Unfortunately, one of the boys was a classmate of mines and would force me to give him handjobs to which was put to a stop a week or so after it started by my teacher. It was embarrassing when she pulled him and me up and lectured us both in the middle of the class. Probably why I ended up switching schools after first grade.
My grandma would pick me up from school after that and take me to the farmer's market where she sold her fruits and vegetables. My aunt and uncle held the spot next to her with their big white van. My uncle would tempt me with sliced fruits or candies to get me to slip in to the truck with him to which he begun to fondle me. It didn't sink in what he was doing to me until later in my life. Mind you, I was five at the time. Still rather naive. It took me several market visits to feel wrong and dirty from his fingers slipping into my panty.
I'd continue to fall for his tricks until I was eight or nine. By then, I had an even worse experience. My mom would occasionally take me to work and I had a love of exploring the huge empty mall. One day I found myself running along the road that ran behind the mall, enjoying the scenery when one of the Filipino janitors called me over. He said he wanted to show me something and me not knowing any better went over to see what it was. He caught me in his arms then, holding me close to his body and nuzzling me. I started crying and telling him that my mother was calling me and I needed to go back. I kept repeating it over and over until he finally complied to let me go, but not without kissing me and shoving his tongue half way down my throat. I was left with a threat that if I told anyone, he'd kill my family. I was terrified. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, but I was too scared that he'd do worse if he caught me again. I ran back to my mom crying, unable to tell her what happened. Occasionally, I'd find him staring at me from across the way weeks after that incident.
Perhaps a year after that when my mom moved in with my step-father's family is when the next incident happened. I was always the early bird, waking up before everyone else and walking out to the living to wait for everyone. While lying there playing cards, a relative of my step-father came up and sat down. He said a few words in Tongan and proceeded to rub my legs and back. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Not until his hands slipped up the leg of my shorts and straight past my underwear. I froze up, frighten and unsure. By this point, I chose to ignore it that's what my uncle did all the time even though it felt wrong. I didn't have the heart to tell my mom once he was done with me. I didn't want her to be angry at me...
By this point, I was rather interested in sex. I'd study it, read about it. I was curious about. I had the need to understand what I was feeling and why it felt good yet wrong. Maybe my curiosity is what landed my first boyfriend. We'd fool around and stuff, but I refused to have sex with him. Guess he was sick of waiting since he made me feel like absolute s**t for not letting him have me and took me anyways. No amount of fighting, both verbally and physically would've stopped him and there went my virginity. It took me a few weeks to recover from what he had done, but he always had a way of making me feel guilty. This was when I was 14.
Sex was an everyday occurrence by this point. It was like Pandora's box was opened, but I never felt right about that day. Felt even more like a whore when my mom's boyfriend's brother tried to get me to give him a handjob. He kept calling my name while jerking off. The first incident I've ever reported to my mother immediately. This was when I was 15.
There was a party at my mom's house. Her newest boyfriend's cousin was over and drunk. I was probably 20 by this point. I couldn't sleep and he seemed like a cool guy so I sat up and talked stories with him while watching VH1. His hand begun to travel to my knee and from there up until his hands were up my skirt. By this point, I was scared, but somewhere inside I knew that I wanted this...which is what disgusted me. I didn't, but I did. He was so close to getting past my underwear when I bolted for the door. I tried to make it seem like it was all planned out from the beginning, telling him that my brother was coming to pick me up. My very big brother to which I kept showing him pictures of. It was a lie. When he came out to ask me to come back into the house, I had already called him and told him to hurry. It was 4 am already, my mom and her boyfriend were asleep in the room next to the living where this all begun.
I cried myself to sleep and bless my brother's soul, he stayed by my side until I was asleep. It took me almost a month to tell my mom what had happened. She freaked out and told her boyfriend who in turned beat the s**t out of his cousin and threatened him. His cousin defended himself with the usual, "She came on to me first." By this point, I could tell my mom everything... almost everything.
Jeez, I can't stop crying for some reason. I've always pushed these experiences to the side, saying they were minor. Was it really minor if I'm addicted to sex yet I can't look at the man I'm sleeping with. It makes me sick to look into their eyes. I feel so dumb for chanting it to myself, it's nothing.. It's minor. There's worse out there, stop being a baby about it. Is it right for me to shrug it off like that even it still hurts me? Telling all of this makes me realize that sex makes me feel cheap and like a toy.
Gah, sorry for wasting your time. I really don't know what I'm trying to say now.
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 2:40 am
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Firstly, never be sorry. I did for so long, and I regretted it. Secondly, it takes a lot to speak up. Thirdly, when you said you wanted it but didn't, there is a good explanation. It's a biological reaction. The body can't tell what's too similar or what's not. The entire point is to reproduce, so the body's standpoint is 'Make babies, make babies, make babies, make babies.' Genetics, over time, have been refined so that when you enjoy it, there's a better chance of making babies. Fourthly, and lastly, you're always welcome here. I'm available.. hell, my story is in here, page 5 I think? It's a nasty one, but we're all in it together.
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 10:14 am
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I was sexually harassed by my mother's boyfriend since about 14-15 until I was 19 years old. He began with exposing himself and trying to get me to touch him, as well as trying to touch/expose my breasts. He was also a notorious stalker and would follow/watch me wherever I went and sneak into my room at night and watch me sleep. During those years I was pretty much repressed and terrified-- and it's the primary reason I am afraid of men to this day. Nothing sexual happened to me outside touching and him exposing himself. Because I was very firm that I was not interested, which is a blessing in disguse with being a teenager versus an innocent child. It still made me feel dirty and one night of him sneaking in on me finally broke me and I told my mother and spent a morning where I should have been at college at the police station. Of course by the time I told someone I was 19 and considered legal, so nothing was done, and the detective told me since I had no real evidence, I would stand no chance in court and not to even try.
My mother seemed to forget it all and forgive him, even after the day I told her she made it seemed like she was breaking up and it would never happen again. And he still is dating her, and I do not like to be in her house because of it. I feel even more repressed than before I told, because nobody speaks about it or asks if I am okay. It's just supposed to return to normal magically.
I've had two relationships offline-- the number online is far higher. And both of those also resulted in similar abuses, but without the stalking, sexual advances when they were not wanted and abusive circumstances.
I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again.
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 5:21 pm
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Vampyre_Angel_Kiss Forgive me.. but what? jamd om theater?Eponine I Thenardier Vampyre_Angel_Kiss I know... my main problem is.. I'm bored. I have too much time on my hands, since I'm not working or in school, and.. the memories are coming back..
-shiver- It's hard.. but it gets easier, it always does..Eponine I Thenardier Don't worry girl, I know there's hope, And I know you'll find harmony within this world of discord. How about try your a jamd om theater? It always relieves my bad memories |
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:38 pm
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:42 pm
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:44 pm
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Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:45 pm
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